Best friend's wedding (and a toddler) WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I'm totally at a loss. I really wanted to go to my best friend's wedding, but now that I've looked into logistics it seems very impossible. Maybe some of you can give me encouragement that it could work.

1) It's exactly when our toddler turns 2, so we'd need to purchase 3 tickets, international, probably non-stop 5-hour flight. $$$$$
2) The wedding location is 1.5 hours from the arrival airport. We'd need to arrive early and take the charted bus with toddler or pay $200 to reach the site via car
3) No options for returning from wedding site, so $200 and 1.5 hour return then 5 hour flight (more if taking stops).

We have no family in the area or that would watch him, so can't leave toddler behind.

I could go alone, except its the weekend of my toddler's birthday.

What would you do? I'm so torn.

[Anonymous]

Do you have mural friends who are going that you could share the rental car with?

Personally i would go abd try to turn it into an adventure for the 2 year old but I completely understand that many if not most people wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I would go alone and celebrate the 2nd bday on the weekend before or after. For me, weddings of close friends/relatives rank higher than birthdays. Even for DCs.

[Anonymous]

I'm the opposite of 06:50, I wouldn't go. DC's birthday ranks higher than anything else, even if he is only 2 and doesn't really get it. Weddings...eh. Particularly overseas weddings. Your friend won't be any less married if you aren't there, so just send a lovely card telling her how much you love her and are happy for her and all that (and a gift of course) and be done with it.

Anyone who expects you to travel overseas (even if she lives there) at a huge expense and burden to you and gets upset when you can't go isn't really your friend. It's just a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite of 06:50, I wouldn't go. DC's birthday ranks higher than anything else, even if he is only 2 and doesn't really get it. Weddings...eh. Particularly overseas weddings. Your friend won't be any less married if you aren't there, so just send a lovely card telling her how much you love her and are happy for her and all that (and a gift of course) and be done with it.

Anyone who expects you to travel overseas (even if she lives there) at a huge expense and burden to you and gets upset when you can't go isn't really your friend. It's just a wedding.

I agree - family birthdays would come first for me. An overseas wedding is a huge expense, and that would also probably mean we couldn't do it, even for a very good friend. If it were me, I'd explain to my friend that I was so sorry I couldn't be there, and I'd also try to do something special for her before the wedding - could you host a shower for her, or throw her a dinner party? I would also hope that as your best friend she'd realize that it's your child's birthday and would understand that it would make it hard for you to be gone then.

[Anonymous]

If you're really considering going, why not call the airline and see if they age is when you book, not fly. They may work with you.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I'd go alone. A best friend only gets married once. (Well, usually!) You can celebrate your toddler's birthday before and after the day itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. I'd go alone. A best friend only gets married once. (Well, usually!) You can celebrate your toddler's birthday before and after the day itself.

I agree. Your toddler will never remember if the birthday and after you have a few more kids (or birthdays), neither will you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go alone if DC were, say, 5. But a 2 yr old? You can go and celebrate his birthday when you're back, or before. He won't really know the difference.

[Anonymous]

I see two options:

1) Go alone, celebrate the weekend before or after. (We didn't even have a big b-day party when my 1st son turned 2 since I had just had #2; we had a big party for his 3rd and THAT is the one he remembers/raves about.)

2) Bring DH and DS and make a vacation out of it. If you are planning on having another kid, you won't get many more opportunities for family travel for a few more years.

[Anonymous]

I agree that if you do go to the wedding and celebrate your child's birthday the next weekend, he will not know the difference. And this is an out-of-the-ordinary experience--it's not like you are trying to have a girls weekend that you could do any other time.

Having said that, if the wedding is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost you way more than you can afford, I don't think you should feel guilty not going. I know she's your best friend but she is choosing to get married in another country so she has to realize that a lot of people just won't be able to make it. And you have two good excuses--that you have a toddler and that its his birthday. I think she will understand.

I actually had a similar situation earlier this year. My best friend had just moved to California with her boyfriend who is in the Navy. They were planning on something a bit more formal here on the East Coast in the summer but he was being deployed on short notice in April so they wanted to just go ahead and do something quickly out there to make it official before he left. They still had a celebration--it was more than a courthouse wedding--mostly to make the MIL happy so it was mostly family who went out there and a few of his friends.

At the same time, DD was 4 months old and still breastfeeding. And I had just returned from maternity leave a week or two before the wedding so I didn't really have leave to take. Plus, my boss had an out of town wedding that same weekend so she was already planning to take off for that. Needless to say, add all of this to the fact that we would have been dealing with last minute fares and I didn't go. I still feel bad about it but she doesn't seem to care and it hasn't affected anything between us. She totally understood and I think your friend will too.

Do what's best for you and don't feel guilty no matter what. It's a one-time thing.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:36 (and 9:39)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go alone and celebrate the 2nd bday on the weekend before or after. For me, weddings of close friends/relatives rank higher than birthdays. Even for DCs.

ITA. Toddler will not know the difference.

[Anonymous]

My toddler turned 2 last week on a day that her father (a college professor) work all day long, from 8:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m. We celebrated the next day. She was no wiser, and her big sis was fine with it. I would celebrate DC's birthday another day -- unless you secretly don't want to go to the wedding. In which case, don't go.

[Anonymous]

This is not quite on target but I'll share. I agonized, agonized, agonized over which to attend one year - one of my best friend's weddings, or my other best friend's 40th birthday celebration. I went back and forth so many times - which is more important, milestone birthday or wedding (albeit second wedding). Both were out of town for me. Back and forth, back and forth I went, trying to make everyone happy. Finally I went with the birthday.
Skip ahead - wedding ended in very bitter divorce, birthday girl dumped me as a friend when I didn't invite her to my immediate-family-only wedding.
Moral of the story - I ultimately doesn't matter who you try to please. Just do the one that makes you feel the best and go with that one.