reconnecting while stressed from TTC (cross post)

[Anonymous]

I posted this under relationships non explicit but now I'm getting lots of 'just take a break!" comments so thought I would try w/ my peeps. Four years of TTC'ing, one kid, about to sign another contract w a one year expiration. To maximize our FSA we need to get a cycle in before 12/31. Since August (?) we only have sex while I'm ovulating, we try but we're tired, stressed - we work FT, commute, and I do the injectibles w/ 2X week monitoring (mostly). DH is tuning out, doesn't look at me, checked his phone for sports scores last night when we had friends over (and then got angry w/ me for creating a 'new rule' he'd never heard of), doesn't want to talk about which contract to sign, etc. We have a date night Friday, but he doesn't want to talk about what to do or where to go - and there's all that coordination to do w/ meds, sitter, dinner for kid, you know. I can't start marriage counseling now as I have end of year work plus my regular life plus this next cycle. Isn't there such a thing as a potion I can sprinkle on his food and we'll laugh about some old memory we share? Or some chant to remember why want to have kids together? How can we reconnect, and still keep TTCing?

[Anonymous]

Have you sat down and really discussed this with your DH? Maybe he doesn't want a second child. Oraybe you're wry stressed to the point of making unreasonable demands? Why can't he check scores when friends are over?

[Anonymous]

I understand the not checking scores when friends are over. It's a little rude to be engrossed in your phone when you have guests. But setting that aside, I don't think that OP is being unreasonable, I think she's really, really focused on a goal right now.

I know how annoying it is to hear "just take a break!" from people who don't know what you're really going through. But I think you guys really might need it. How much $$$ would you be out if you didn't max out your FSA this year. Is it at all possible that you can prepay but still take off November and December? Because I think you guys need to reconnect emotionally and start having closeness and sexytime without "WE WANT A BABY!" hanging over it all.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the posters who suggested taking a break, and I am also TTC so I dis not mean to sound glib, and I'm sorry if it seemed that way. I suggested taking a break when you indicated that perhaps your husband was not 100% on board with another baby, which to me would be an issue I"d want to address first, before continuing.

But like i said, I absolutely understand your frustration, and hope you do find that potion. Maybe just some champagne and handcuffs will do the trick.

[Anonymous]

I suggested taking a break when you indicated that perhaps your husband was not 100% on board with another baby,

I'm poster 14:13 -- hey, if this is true, this is a major factor. Major, major. This is more than him just being irritated with TTC and busy at work, this goes at the heart of what you're trying to do. Which is even more reason, maybe, to put the brakes on this -- just temporarily.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I think it's rude to check scores or otherwise tune out when people are over, esp. when the whole point is to connect. And I didn't tell him not to check, but to go to the bathroom to do it, so he could get the alone time he wanted. We invite people to our home and I don't think it's unreasonable to pay attention to them for 2 hours.
I am very focused and we can't postpone the next two months. I've started, canceled other things - and I'm simply too invested (not just $) in trying this new protocol now. I do love DH, very much, but I'm the one driving to the appointments, injecting, etc. - I will resent him if I have to stop right now so he can do what? He's not participating in that part, I am, so I don't see why my canceling will have him feel more involved in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

PP 14:13 again:

I just wonder if he's feeling very peripheral to the marriage right now and ignored. You're understandably hugely engrossed in this process...what is left for him to do besides provide sperm on a schedule? I'm not saying it's RIGHT for him to feel this way, but I can see how someone MIGHT feel that way.

It's not that canceling might make him feel more involved in the marriage, but it might offer an opportunity for you to get more involved with HIM. He can see your energies directed towards his needs. Not to be sexist, but I think men are really sensitive to this notion of being ignored. They need reassurance.

It's just a tough situation, though, OP. I feel for you. I wish there was that secret potion. But unless one of you is willing to make a change -- and he's not the one posting here, so I can only suggest things you can do -- then I don't know if it's going to get much better. Just don't get invested in protocols and schedules to the detriment of your relationship. God willing, whether you have another kid or not, you'll still have each other. A sure relationship-killer is contempt, which is very close to resentment.

I hope this next cycle is the one that does the trick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I think it's rude to check scores or otherwise tune out when people are over, esp. when the whole point is to connect. And I didn't tell him not to check, but to go to the bathroom to do it, so he could get the alone time he wanted. We invite people to our home and I don't think it's unreasonable to pay attention to them for 2 hours.
I am very focused and we can't postpone the next two months. I've started, canceled other things - and I'm simply too invested (not just $) in trying this new protocol now. I do love DH, very much, but I'm the one driving to the appointments, injecting, etc. - I will resent him if I have to stop right now so he can do what? He's not participating in that part, I am, so I don't see why my canceling will have him feel more involved in our marriage.

Maybe he feels like you are micromanaging him? And he is exhausted? I'm just saying that with everything you have going on, pick your battles. Let the small stuff go. For me, checking a score for 2 min is a small thing and not worth berating someone about.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he really doesn't want another baby, you need to have an in depth conversation.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I hate feeling like I have to bug DH for TTC things because I am definitely the driver of the process. When I know there is a week coming up where I have to remind him of things (time to BD, various appointments, etc) I make an extra effort to NOT nag him about anything else. He can come to bed late, leave dirty dishes, be on his bberry at dinner, etc. that week. It's annoying, yes, but it at least means I am only on his case about one thing and less likely to get the full brush-off because he's annoyed that I'm on his case about everything.