Husband wants to go to Vegas on his paternity leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good man would never dream of asking this. There are so many "cool girls" on this thread who are just oh so fine with absolutely anything their DH wants, because they are desperate to keep a man. Pathetic.

Believe me honey it's the women who won't let their husbands go on vacation that should be worried about keeping their man.

I disagree. It’s not about the “cool girls” or “women who won’t let their husbands”. It’s about the kind of man who wants to go to Vegas twice in four months, or the kind of man who prioritizes a random boys weekend over their newborn.

Exactly. Good men do not dream of voluntarily traveling out of town and away from their newborn. Good men want to bond. Good men want to take care of their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let him go. At some point I preferred to have some alone time to manage the babies as I pleased.

I bet that point wasn't at 4 weeks postpartum! I would have reacted just like OP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DH here. I don’t see what the big deal is. He’s home all day with newborns as well and wants to join a weekend trip with his buddies.

Despite the hype, mothering two kids and keeping them alive for 3 days isn’t climbing Everest.

Please tell us more about your expertise on mothering, male human.

Literally half the planet has done it since the dawn of time? I know that much. And 99%+ of those have done it under a whole hell of a lot more duress than “my husband went to Vegas for 2.5 days” and left me in my suburban, air-conditioned, well-appointed 5000 square foot home with two kids. Get over yourselves.

Well...certain type of victim woman will take a lot of shit from their DH. The DH who wrote above is married to a woman with low self-esteem and can get away by doing these kinds of things.

Feel sorry for the children who are raised in such shitty marriages.

[b]
+1000

Wait, let me get this straight. We have low self esteem and shitty marriages because we facilitate our DHs weekend trip with friends?

Do you hear yourself?

Girl, are you okay?

Ones who brush off the difficulty of caring for a newborn and a toddler alone as not a big deal? And who apparently don’t have a clue that one person caring for them alone is not something that has been done since the dawn of time and that throughout most of history and still in most cultures mothers have help? If you are married to somebody like this, I do feel bad for you. You are letting your husband get away with being an ass.

Maybe I'm just more competent at mothering but no, I do not think a newborn and toddler are all that difficult. I have had three children close in age while my husband traveled extensively for work. Now he makes a fortune. You don't have to feel sorry for me. Just FYI, doubling down as you are confirms my suspicions that you're projecting your shitty marriage issues here. I hope your husband is okay. Good luck in your divorce.

First, I’m not the PP. Second, this isn’t about how hard it is for you. It’s about a man, who in all likelihood hasn’t ever taken care of a newborn and a three year old alone (but who definitely has no clue how difficult OP’s kids are), flippantly saying that somebody who thinks it’s hard is being dramatic. It’s rude and it’s ignorant. The guy is a jerk and it’s weird that you’re defending a random internet dude who is probably a massive misogynist.

I'm not defending the mansplainer.

I'm defending those of us that facilitate our husband's leisure time even while we have young kids and newborns against PP who surmised that we have low self esteem and shitty marriages.

Note that lots of comments in this thread said “personally I would be fine with that” and the nobody accused them of having low self-esteem and shitty marriages. The comment in question comes from a man who is a special kind of douchebag, and your coming in and identifying with his wife and defending your self-esteem, as opposed to saying “hey dude that’s a shitty thing to say,” was really off-base. Especially when you started making comments about your superior parenting abilities, your superior marriage, and your husbands large income.

I genuinely think you should examine your internalized misogyny.

I swear people on this board have amnesia. Caring for a newborn and a toddler alone is absolutely very hard on the person doing the caring. I have done lots of hard things in my life including law school and biglaw and long-distance running and unmedicated labor. An all-nighter for work is not as hard as being up all hours to feed this tiny baby who won't sleep and then getting up to take care of a toddler who already feels jealous and neglected. And then doing it the next night and the next night and the next. Meanwhile it's 4 weeks so you are still bleeding and physically sore and depleted.

My husband would never have suggested a boys' trip to Vegas at 4 weeks. At 3 months he went out of town to a funeral and he helped me prepare by getting groceries and doing laundry before he left.

[Anonymous]

Is the father of the 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it but this is why I’m glad my DH had just three days of paternity leave.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DH here. I don’t see what the big deal is. He’s home all day with newborns as well and wants to join a weekend trip with his buddies.

Despite the hype, mothering two kids and keeping them alive for 3 days isn’t climbing Everest.

Please tell us more about your expertise on mothering, male human.

Literally half the planet has done it since the dawn of time? I know that much. And 99%+ of those have done it under a whole hell of a lot more duress than “my husband went to Vegas for 2.5 days” and left me in my suburban, air-conditioned, well-appointed 5000 square foot home with two kids. Get over yourselves.

Well...certain type of victim woman will take a lot of shit from their DH. The DH who wrote above is married to a woman with low self-esteem and can get away by doing these kinds of things.

Feel sorry for the children who are raised in such shitty marriages.

[b]
+1000

Wait, let me get this straight. We have low self esteem and shitty marriages because we facilitate our DHs weekend trip with friends?

Do you hear yourself?

Girl, are you okay?

Ones who brush off the difficulty of caring for a newborn and a toddler alone as not a big deal? And who apparently don’t have a clue that one person caring for them alone is not something that has been done since the dawn of time and that throughout most of history and still in most cultures mothers have help? If you are married to somebody like this, I do feel bad for you. You are letting your husband get away with being an ass.

Maybe I'm just more competent at mothering but no, I do not think a newborn and toddler are all that difficult. I have had three children close in age while my husband traveled extensively for work. Now he makes a fortune. You don't have to feel sorry for me. Just FYI, doubling down as you are confirms my suspicions that you're projecting your shitty marriage issues here. I hope your husband is okay. Good luck in your divorce.

First, I’m not the PP. Second, this isn’t about how hard it is for you. It’s about a man, who in all likelihood hasn’t ever taken care of a newborn and a three year old alone (but who definitely has no clue how difficult OP’s kids are), flippantly saying that somebody who thinks it’s hard is being dramatic. It’s rude and it’s ignorant. The guy is a jerk and it’s weird that you’re defending a random internet dude who is probably a massive misogynist.

I'm not defending the mansplainer.

I'm defending those of us that facilitate our husband's leisure time even while we have young kids and newborns against PP who surmised that we have low self esteem and shitty marriages.

Note that lots of comments in this thread said “personally I would be fine with that” and the nobody accused them of having low self-esteem and shitty marriages. The comment in question comes from a man who is a special kind of douchebag, and your coming in and identifying with his wife and defending your self-esteem, as opposed to saying “hey dude that’s a shitty thing to say,” was really off-base. Especially when you started making comments about your superior parenting abilities, your superior marriage, and your husbands large income.

I genuinely think you should examine your internalized misogyny.

I swear people on this board have amnesia. Caring for a newborn and a toddler alone is absolutely very hard on the person doing the caring. I have done lots of hard things in my life including law school and biglaw and long-distance running and unmedicated labor. An all-nighter for work is not as hard as being up all hours to feed this tiny baby who won't sleep and then getting up to take care of a toddler who already feels jealous and neglected. And then doing it the next night and the next night and the next. Meanwhile it's 4 weeks so you are still bleeding and physically sore and depleted.

My husband would never have suggested a boys' trip to Vegas at 4 weeks. At 3 months he went out of town to a funeral and he helped me prepare by getting groceries and doing laundry before he left.

No, no amnesia. The real answer is just that different people find different things hard. I found all of the things you listed far harder than taking care of the baby and the toddler. The baby can’t even move and it’s asleep much of the time. I think a huge part of the issue is expectations. Kids screaming, yes. That’s going to happen. It doesn’t need to be silenced immediately. Same with jealousy. Also, I order my groceries and it takes what, 10 minutes? I guess just agree to disagree. I have a baby and older kids and I still value time with friends, more than ever now I’m older. You make the time. My husband did a trial when my second was born and was gone from two weeks on and it was nice sweet home bonding time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, no amnesia. The real answer is just that different people find different things hard. I found all of the things you listed far harder than taking care of the baby and the toddler. The baby can’t even move and it’s asleep much of the time. I think a huge part of the issue is expectations. Kids screaming, yes. That’s going to happen. It doesn’t need to be silenced immediately. Same with jealousy. Also, I order my groceries and it takes what, 10 minutes? I guess just agree to disagree. I have a baby and older kids and I still value time with friends, more than ever now I’m older. You make the time. My husband did a trial when my second was born and was gone from two weeks on and it was nice sweet home bonding time.

“Taking care of kids isn’t hard when you don’t take care of them!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No, no amnesia. The real answer is just that different people find different things hard. I found all of the things you listed far harder than taking care of the baby and the toddler. The baby can’t even move and it’s asleep much of the time. I think a huge part of the issue is expectations. Kids screaming, yes. That’s going to happen. It doesn’t need to be silenced immediately. Same with jealousy. Also, I order my groceries and it takes what, 10 minutes? I guess just agree to disagree. I have a baby and older kids and I still value time with friends, more than ever now I’m older. You make the time. My husband did a trial when my second was born and was gone from two weeks on and it was nice sweet home bonding time.

“Taking care of kids isn’t hard when you don’t take care of them!”

I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve raised kids. They’ve definitely been taken care of. Didn’t work when they were babies. No child care until they were older. Are you addressing my post or just generally angry?

[Anonymous]

Wait, didn't OP say that her DH was just in Vegas 4 months ago? And he needs another trip right now? Team OP here; that's absurd.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but a newborn baby and a toddler when you're not doing anything else is just not that hard. It just is not. I realty don't care if you wildly disagree, for most people, it is not a big deal.

How obtuse. I don’t think staying calm when you’re surrounded by screaming children is hard. My husband doesn’t think doing complicated things in excel is hard. Some people don’t think differential calculus or writing a thesis is hard. Just because something isn’t hard for you doesn’t mean its not hard for everybody. You can’t just disagree that something is hard for somebody else.

And for the vast majority of people, caring for a 3-year old and a newborn for a weekend when you’re alone is hard. For me it would be massively difficult because my 3-year old was inconsolably jealous when I had my second.

If it isn’t for you, that’s fine, but learn to accept the fact that everybody is different.

No.

I would say for the vast majority of people caring for an infant and 3 yo is NOT hard but who cares if it’s hard for OP. If she can’t care for her own child for 3 days alone she just needs to communicate that to her H and that’s the situation he is living with.

This. It’s only hard because we act like omg! Jealous toddlers! Not sleeping 8 hours straight! Mommy life amiright! But no. It’s not that hard.

Not everyone has your low standards or is a martyr like you. Must suck to have such a crappy partner but then you’re too dumb to even realize that.

Or maybe your spouse has low standards and is stuck with a crappy partner.

Yeah, I’m not that dumb. I just found studying for the bar, trial prep, trying to make partner, dealing with a dying parent, climbing hard climbs, etc., all much harder than I found kids. I think a lot of people whine way too much about it and are frankly really over the top about it. And don’t feel sorry for me. I have a cute, helpful, fun husband and I like my life. I encourage him to spend time with friends and I do the same. We had a blast on our respective parental leaves together and I spent a couple nights out. It was not hard for anyone.

Why would anyone ever ferl sorry for a lawyer? That would be like feeling sorry for a snake. Oh dear, forgot, they're the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, didn't OP say that her DH was just in Vegas 4 months ago? And he needs another trip right now? Team OP here; that's absurd.

OP here - that’s correct. Several people suggested that he’s going on trips to cheat or spend time with other women. Is that what married men do on guys trips?? I didn’t think that’s what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, didn't OP say that her DH was just in Vegas 4 months ago? And he needs another trip right now? Team OP here; that's absurd.

OP here - that’s correct. Several people suggested that he’s going on trips to cheat or spend time with other women. Is that what married men do on guys trips?? I didn’t think that’s what was going on.

Yes those people are dumb. I’m guessing they don’t go many places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let him go. At some point I preferred to have some alone time to manage the babies as I pleased.

I bet that point wasn't at 4 weeks postpartum! I would have reacted just like OP

Not PP but after the 1st week the next 2 months I wanted to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paternity leave is to stay home and help with baby not a gambling, drinking, weekend in Las Vegas. You are married to an a$$hole.

Agreed.
Any why should society pay for him to go to Vegas (because if it is paid paternity leave, then that is what's happening)

This is a WEEKEND trip, moron. Has nothing to do with paternity leave. Not sure why OP conflated them.

[Anonymous]

I would let my DH do it, provided I had family around to help. DH is an equal partner and also works a lot harder than me (owns his own company), so I would feel he deserves it. However, my DH is too much of a nerd to do two back-to-back Vegas trips. He might go visit family or something.