Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

[Anonymous]

The first years are so precious and I am happy with my decision to sah. I am what many moms on here would disparage as a loser who is dependent on her dh. I am also happy with my choice of husband, who will always be devoted to me and support me unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

This isn’t the OP, since it sounds like she is working now and planning to go back in a few years, but I have seen something similar to this with friends who have NEVER worked outside the home. They seem to have a very skewed view of what the working world actually entails and do a disservice to their children. Frankly, they really seem to give working people a lot more credit for their work than what is actually due. Maybe that comes from decades of never being able to call your husband on his BS.

I do think that everyone raising children should spend some time in the workforce. It’s important to be able to relate that knowledge to your kids.

How many women have never worked outside the home though, in this day and age outside of certain communities? My moms family is LDS and I represent the first generation of my family in that side to work with kids or even to have a pre-kids career but that is hugely unusual among my peers outside of LDS and some other highly religious people,

I don’t know. But it’s a surprisingly high number at my kids’ gym . Some are highly religious, some not, but none are from the same church, and none are LDS.
Quite a few have older teens, and they are so anxious about paid employment. Their husbands have also more or less outsourced all parenting to their wives, so, even though dad is a doctor or a lawyer, these kids have very little guidance on why math is important, how to apply for a job, or how to choose a college. It’s bizarre.
(Pre-pandemic, I saw them twice a week for an hour with nothing to do but watch our kids and talk, so we know more about each other than you would typically know about strangers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you don’t see as what is best for the mother as linked to what is best for the baby. Not that best for mom automatically mean best for baby, but the two are connected.

Op here. I agree with you completely but didn’t want to turn this into a usual sahm v wohm debate with the same tired arguments on savings, career, DH cheating , boredom etc rehashed endlessly

Except that this is exactly what will happen because any evidence that this is beneficial to child will be (and has been) stomped out of the conversation by working parents who feel that this threatens their status as "good parents" for making a different choice. So it's really a non-starter.
Do what you want to do and feel confident in your decision, OP.

Actually, you don't have evidence that this is beneficial to the child as long as they are well taken care of by someone competent who cares for them, but that's ok. You can make your baseless claims anyway.

Actually, multiple peer reviewed studies showing this have been quoted and linked to in this thread.
But that’s ok. Continue with the stomping.

DP and Nope. There is no study or set of studies that definitely proves that kids raised by a SAHP are better off or better people or whatever you want to say than kids raised by WOHPs or WAHPs. You'll find stuff about maternal caregiving unrelated to work status and SES, perhaps.

If you want to stay at home with your young children, go right ahead and do what works for your family. But don't dress it up as something it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's my experience that the working moms are super sensitive to this debate. Generally the stay at home moms don't really care what the other moms are doing.

This thread would indicate otherwise.



Why are you all arguing this stuff? And why are some of you rising to the bait of the obvious trolls who joined the thread today saying the obviously troll-y stuff about SAHMs (uninteresting, unmotivate, that BS)????

Ignore the obvious trolls, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's my experience that the working moms are super sensitive to this debate. Generally the stay at home moms don't really care what the other moms are doing.

I've been both and I totally disagree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first years are so precious and I am happy with my decision to sah. I am what many moms on here would disparage as a loser who is dependent on her dh. I am also happy with my choice of husband, who will always be devoted to me and support me unconditionally.

I do not disparage you as a loser and I don't know any other WOH/WAH moms that would.

I really do not get where some of the trollish stuff on both sides come from on these threads. Is it just a few troublemakers or do people really think this awful stuff and just never let it out except when anonymous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

LOL the thread is about "infant years." I don't think an infant is impressed that mom has a job.

Yes, but how many women can step back into a career after being out for several years? I certainly couldn't. My job was up or out. And I do think even an infant knows if a mom is depressed, insecure, or has anxiety. I'm not saying that piece is necessarily correlated with WOH/SAH. I'm saying that each woman should consider how to give the most she can give to her baby. And perhaps some women are very good at practical nurturing, like rocking and burping and swaddling, and others have other interests and passions that would result in having different gifts and talents to share with their child. Regardless, modeling confidence and self-esteem is important at all ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first years are so precious and I am happy with my decision to sah. I am what many moms on here would disparage as a loser who is dependent on her dh. I am also happy with my choice of husband, who will always be devoted to me and support me unconditionally.

I do not disparage you as a loser and I don't know any other WOH/WAH moms that would.

I really do not get where some of the trollish stuff on both sides come from on these threads. Is it just a few troublemakers or do people really think this awful stuff and just never let it out except when anonymous?

I know two people in real life who would and had thinly veiled comments in my direction when our babies were young. Turns out they are both miserable hacks so what do I care? I'm living my stress-free life for the past 10 years while they have both gotten divorced... yet always thought I'd be in such trouble for not working when my marriage inevitably fell apart. haha, yeah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you don’t see as what is best for the mother as linked to what is best for the baby. Not that best for mom automatically mean best for baby, but the two are connected.

Op here. I agree with you completely but didn’t want to turn this into a usual sahm v wohm debate with the same tired arguments on savings, career, DH cheating , boredom etc rehashed endlessly

Except that this is exactly what will happen because any evidence that this is beneficial to child will be (and has been) stomped out of the conversation by working parents who feel that this threatens their status as "good parents" for making a different choice. So it's really a non-starter.
Do what you want to do and feel confident in your decision, OP.

Actually, you don't have evidence that this is beneficial to the child as long as they are well taken care of by someone competent who cares for them, but that's ok. You can make your baseless claims anyway.

Actually, multiple peer reviewed studies showing this have been quoted and linked to in this thread.
But that’s ok. Continue with the stomping.

It is hard to control for quality of care. You can't intentionally vary that with human subjects -- it would be unethical.

There is some evidence that putting a young child (0-3) in group care all day can raise their stress. That isn't as true for PT care. And it doesn't seem to be born out by individual care. Again, though, we can't realistically compare children who had competent, high quality care from a professional vs. so-so care from a mom... and that's one of the key comparisons here, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first years are so precious and I am happy with my decision to sah. I am what many moms on here would disparage as a loser who is dependent on her dh. I am also happy with my choice of husband, who will always be devoted to me and support me unconditionally.

I do not disparage you as a loser and I don't know any other WOH/WAH moms that would.

I really do not get where some of the trollish stuff on both sides come from on these threads. Is it just a few troublemakers or do people really think this awful stuff and just never let it out except when anonymous?

I know two people in real life who would and had thinly veiled comments in my direction when our babies were young. Turns out they are both miserable hacks so what do I care? I'm living my stress-free life for the past 10 years while they have both gotten divorced... yet always thought I'd be in such trouble for not working when my marriage inevitably fell apart. haha, yeah

So are you saying all working moms are miserable people who get divorced?

You are just another example of someone who comes off as bitter and defensive rather than secure in your choices. Mabye they were reacting to *you* being smug and demeaning to them for working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first years are so precious and I am happy with my decision to sah. I am what many moms on here would disparage as a loser who is dependent on her dh. I am also happy with my choice of husband, who will always be devoted to me and support me unconditionally.

Honestly, you just sound like a moron.

[Anonymous]

It made a big difference to my children, but everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's my experience that the working moms are super sensitive to this debate. Generally the stay at home moms don't really care what the other moms are doing.

I've been both and I totally disagree with this.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you don’t see as what is best for the mother as linked to what is best for the baby. Not that best for mom automatically mean best for baby, but the two are connected.

Op here. I agree with you completely but didn’t want to turn this into a usual sahm v wohm debate with the same tired arguments on savings, career, DH cheating , boredom etc rehashed endlessly

Except that this is exactly what will happen because any evidence that this is beneficial to child will be (and has been) stomped out of the conversation by working parents who feel that this threatens their status as "good parents" for making a different choice. So it's really a non-starter.
Do what you want to do and feel confident in your decision, OP.

Actually, you don't have evidence that this is beneficial to the child as long as they are well taken care of by someone competent who cares for them, but that's ok. You can make your baseless claims anyway.

Actually, multiple peer reviewed studies showing this have been quoted and linked to in this thread.
But that’s ok. Continue with the stomping.

It is hard to control for quality of care. You can't intentionally vary that with human subjects -- it would be unethical.

There is some evidence that putting a young child (0-3) in group care all day can raise their stress. That isn't as true for PT care. And it doesn't seem to be born out by individual care. Again, though, we can't realistically compare children who had competent, high quality care from a professional vs. so-so care from a mom... and that's one of the key comparisons here, it seems.

Oh look, you had to walk back on your previous claim. Funny how now all you're saying is that kids in group care settings have raised stress levels. That isn't what you were saying before. But keep "stomping" around with your baseless claims. They really make you look smart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing has ever made me feel more confident in my decision to say home with my child for the first few years than the absolute viciousness of moms on this website towards SAHMs. A lot of angry, resentful, insecure people on here attacking anyone who actually wanted to or enjoyed staying home with their kids for any length of time. If going straight back to work after leave and sending your child to daycare or leaving them with a nanny were so great, why would people be so mean about people who did something different?

There are downsides to being a SAHM, I've experienced them. But I've never regretted that choice, either for me or my kid. I think we both got value out of it. But there are so many posters on here who are angrily trying to prove that it's a "bad" choice and you have to ask yourself why.

If you want to stay home with your kids, that's fine. I couldn't care less what you decide to do, and it sounds like it worked out for you, so that's great. I'm not angry, resentful, or insecure. I just happen to think you're kind of uninteresting and we don't have a lot in common and I don't want to listen to you talk about how hard it is to keep your house clean all day. Your choice isn't a bad one, but some of the things you say are pathetic and responding to them with an eye roll doesn't mean I secretly wish I had your life.

What a joke. Nobody finds your job interesting either. Believe me.

Not pp but it's more about being the kind of person who appreciates intellectual stimulation, thinks setting that example is important, etc. My company went under during COVID and I'm so sad not to be working. I love my kids, but I need my work as well to feel fulfilled.

Do you realize how ignorant you sound? Are you saying that SAHMs don't "appreciate[] intellectual stimulation" or don't think "setting that example is important?" Wow. Such an arrogant thing to say.

I mean, yes, I don’t think women who do not work think that setting an example as a working woman is important. That seems fairly obvious, no?