Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you don’t see as what is best for the mother as linked to what is best for the baby. Not that best for mom automatically mean best for baby, but the two are connected.

Op here. I agree with you completely but didn’t want to turn this into a usual sahm v wohm debate with the same tired arguments on savings, career, DH cheating , boredom etc rehashed endlessly

Except that this is exactly what will happen because any evidence that this is beneficial to child will be (and has been) stomped out of the conversation by working parents who feel that this threatens their status as "good parents" for making a different choice. So it's really a non-starter.
Do what you want to do and feel confident in your decision, OP.

Actually, you don't have evidence that this is beneficial to the child as long as they are well taken care of by someone competent who cares for them, but that's ok. You can make your baseless claims anyway.

Actually, multiple peer reviewed studies showing this have been quoted and linked to in this thread.
But that’s ok. Continue with the stomping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in HS and college now. I worked FT and they went to a daycare center near my office. They turned out great. And their friends (also great) have moms who worked FT, moms who worked PT, moms who stayed home for a few years and then went back to work, moms who went back after maternity leave and then stayed home when their kids were older . . . .

Yup. This is a vicious fight between unhappy women that's only reflective of their unhappiness and society's misogyny, not child-raising reality.

[Anonymous]

Back to the original question — skill set matters.

I worked from home when my kids were babies with help, and some of the nannies definitely had skills I did not. We had a night nanny for one who could massage the gas out of the baby with certain movements and the baby would sleep and sleep after that. Another nanny could always put the baby to sleep within 5-10 minutes and it would take me or my husband longer. I think when you have a lot of experience dealing with baby sleep or digestion you can definitely help them be more comfortable. I also had some sitters with degrees in early childhood education who taught me new ways to play with the baby that the baby loved — and that was my second child.

Sure, I loved and was devoted to those babies like no other person, but I learned a lot about how to take care of their needs from professionals. So when you ask “what’s best for baby,” if you compare a typical modern FTM with little baby experience to someone with years and years, probably the ideal would be some and some. They need love but they also need to feel comfortable and stimulated and rested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

This isn’t the OP, since it sounds like she is working now and planning to go back in a few years, but I have seen something similar to this with friends who have NEVER worked outside the home. They seem to have a very skewed view of what the working world actually entails and do a disservice to their children. Frankly, they really seem to give working people a lot more credit for their work than what is actually due. Maybe that comes from decades of never being able to call your husband on his BS.

I do think that everyone raising children should spend some time in the workforce. It’s important to be able to relate that knowledge to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back to the original question — skill set matters.

I worked from home when my kids were babies with help, and some of the nannies definitely had skills I did not. We had a night nanny for one who could massage the gas out of the baby with certain movements and the baby would sleep and sleep after that. Another nanny could always put the baby to sleep within 5-10 minutes and it would take me or my husband longer. I think when you have a lot of experience dealing with baby sleep or digestion you can definitely help them be more comfortable. I also had some sitters with degrees in early childhood education who taught me new ways to play with the baby that the baby loved — and that was my second child.

Sure, I loved and was devoted to those babies like no other person, but I learned a lot about how to take care of their needs from professionals. So when you ask “what’s best for baby,” if you compare a typical modern FTM with little baby experience to someone with years and years, probably the ideal would be some and some. They need love but they also need to feel comfortable and stimulated and rested.

I have been both a WOHM and a SAHM. And I agree with the above. I will add a caveat that you can have a similar experience and learn quite a lot by making friends with multiple children and seeing how they parent their kids. I’m not saying that every parent is perfect, but I definitely remember thinking “oh, that’s a good way to redirect a toddler,” or “that’s a good way to make sure they eat their veggies.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back to the original question — skill set matters.

I worked from home when my kids were babies with help, and some of the nannies definitely had skills I did not. We had a night nanny for one who could massage the gas out of the baby with certain movements and the baby would sleep and sleep after that. Another nanny could always put the baby to sleep within 5-10 minutes and it would take me or my husband longer. I think when you have a lot of experience dealing with baby sleep or digestion you can definitely help them be more comfortable. I also had some sitters with degrees in early childhood education who taught me new ways to play with the baby that the baby loved — and that was my second child.

Sure, I loved and was devoted to those babies like no other person, but I learned a lot about how to take care of their needs from professionals. So when you ask “what’s best for baby,” if you compare a typical modern FTM with little baby experience to someone with years and years, probably the ideal would be some and some. They need love but they also need to feel comfortable and stimulated and rested.

Same! I have help not exactly full time (I don’t work f/t) but my children’s nanny has 20 years of experience and taught me and my child so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

This isn’t the OP, since it sounds like she is working now and planning to go back in a few years, but I have seen something similar to this with friends who have NEVER worked outside the home. They seem to have a very skewed view of what the working world actually entails and do a disservice to their children. Frankly, they really seem to give working people a lot more credit for their work than what is actually due. Maybe that comes from decades of never being able to call your husband on his BS.

I do think that everyone raising children should spend some time in the workforce. It’s important to be able to relate that knowledge to your kids.

How many women have never worked outside the home though, in this day and age outside of certain communities? My moms family is LDS and I represent the first generation of my family in that side to work with kids or even to have a pre-kids career but that is hugely unusual among my peers outside of LDS and some other highly religious people,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

This isn’t the OP, since it sounds like she is working now and planning to go back in a few years, but I have seen something similar to this with friends who have NEVER worked outside the home. They seem to have a very skewed view of what the working world actually entails and do a disservice to their children. Frankly, they really seem to give working people a lot more credit for their work than what is actually due. Maybe that comes from decades of never being able to call your husband on his BS.

I do think that everyone raising children should spend some time in the workforce. It’s important to be able to relate that knowledge to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing has ever made me feel more confident in my decision to say home with my child for the first few years than the absolute viciousness of moms on this website towards SAHMs. A lot of angry, resentful, insecure people on here attacking anyone who actually wanted to or enjoyed staying home with their kids for any length of time. If going straight back to work after leave and sending your child to daycare or leaving them with a nanny were so great, why would people be so mean about people who did something different?

There are downsides to being a SAHM, I've experienced them. But I've never regretted that choice, either for me or my kid. I think we both got value out of it. But there are so many posters on here who are angrily trying to prove that it's a "bad" choice and you have to ask yourself why.

If you want to stay home with your kids, that's fine. I couldn't care less what you decide to do, and it sounds like it worked out for you, so that's great. I'm not angry, resentful, or insecure. I just happen to think you're kind of uninteresting and we don't have a lot in common and I don't want to listen to you talk about how hard it is to keep your house clean all day. Your choice isn't a bad one, but some of the things you say are pathetic and responding to them with an eye roll doesn't mean I secretly wish I had your life.

What a joke. Nobody finds your job interesting either. Believe me.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of documentation shows it doesnt matter as long as care is loving and consistent, so I'm not really sure why this is even a discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing has ever made me feel more confident in my decision to say home with my child for the first few years than the absolute viciousness of moms on this website towards SAHMs. A lot of angry, resentful, insecure people on here attacking anyone who actually wanted to or enjoyed staying home with their kids for any length of time. If going straight back to work after leave and sending your child to daycare or leaving them with a nanny were so great, why would people be so mean about people who did something different?

There are downsides to being a SAHM, I've experienced them. But I've never regretted that choice, either for me or my kid. I think we both got value out of it. But there are so many posters on here who are angrily trying to prove that it's a "bad" choice and you have to ask yourself why.

If you want to stay home with your kids, that's fine. I couldn't care less what you decide to do, and it sounds like it worked out for you, so that's great. I'm not angry, resentful, or insecure. I just happen to think you're kind of uninteresting and we don't have a lot in common and I don't want to listen to you talk about how hard it is to keep your house clean all day. Your choice isn't a bad one, but some of the things you say are pathetic and responding to them with an eye roll doesn't mean I secretly wish I had your life.

What a joke. Nobody finds your job interesting either. Believe me.

Not pp but it's more about being the kind of person who appreciates intellectual stimulation, thinks setting that example is important, etc. My company went under during COVID and I'm so sad not to be working. I love my kids, but I need my work as well to feel fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

It's my experience that the working moms are super sensitive to this debate. Generally the stay at home moms don't really care what the other moms are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me the funniest argument / cop out is "I'm a better mom if I work because I feel fulfilled and my kid benefits from my feelings of fulfillment." Or "I want to set an example for my kids that I work."

Yea, right. On both fronts.

My mom was an excellent SAHM and did an amazing job raising us. I work — at home for the first year of my kids’ life, outside later. I saw my mom’s struggles with identity and feeling a lack of accomplishment once we were in school, and I didn’t want that. She also was not confident she could deal with the working world and was always quite negative about dealing with office politics or other expectations while at the same time idealizing getting recognition of her work. I think my work experience has taught me a lot that I can pass on to my kids about how to navigate the world. Whether it’s negotiation or not giving up on a difficult, challenging project, the structure of professional life pushes me and brings out different skills. I think that has some value for a child to see their mom being confident in different situations.

LOL the thread is about "infant years." I don't think an infant is impressed that mom has a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing has ever made me feel more confident in my decision to say home with my child for the first few years than the absolute viciousness of moms on this website towards SAHMs. A lot of angry, resentful, insecure people on here attacking anyone who actually wanted to or enjoyed staying home with their kids for any length of time. If going straight back to work after leave and sending your child to daycare or leaving them with a nanny were so great, why would people be so mean about people who did something different?

There are downsides to being a SAHM, I've experienced them. But I've never regretted that choice, either for me or my kid. I think we both got value out of it. But there are so many posters on here who are angrily trying to prove that it's a "bad" choice and you have to ask yourself why.

If you want to stay home with your kids, that's fine. I couldn't care less what you decide to do, and it sounds like it worked out for you, so that's great. I'm not angry, resentful, or insecure. I just happen to think you're kind of uninteresting and we don't have a lot in common and I don't want to listen to you talk about how hard it is to keep your house clean all day. Your choice isn't a bad one, but some of the things you say are pathetic and responding to them with an eye roll doesn't mean I secretly wish I had your life.

What a joke. Nobody finds your job interesting either. Believe me.

Not pp but it's more about being the kind of person who appreciates intellectual stimulation, thinks setting that example is important, etc. My company went under during COVID and I'm so sad not to be working. I love my kids, but I need my work as well to feel fulfilled.

Do you realize how ignorant you sound? Are you saying that SAHMs don't "appreciate[] intellectual stimulation" or don't think "setting that example is important?" Wow. Such an arrogant thing to say.