Why do people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

You know, for all the amazing things you claim to have, the bolded is one of the most staggering judgmental things I’ve ever seen posted on DCUM, and that’s saying a lot. Your friend sounds like an ungrateful jerk. It’s unfortunate that for all your wealth and amazing experiences, you have so little ability to conceive of happy lives that don’t mirror your own, or that, maybe, just maybe, a woman staying at home to raise children deserves respect from those children, rather than denigration.

DP and SAHM here. I disagree.

PP is not judging every stay at home mom. She is stating that this particular one wasted her life if she raised children who want to have nothing to do with her. I get your point that PP's friends should respect their mom. However, as a SAHM myself, I would feel like I wasted years at home with my kids if they ended up like PP's friend and his siblings. I am not blaming the SAHM necessarily, just admitting that I would feel like my time at home was wasted if my kids end up to be horrible people.

We might wish that this is not the case, but SAHMs who end up with horrible children are far more disappointed in their children than women who had careers. We feel like we gave up something even if it was completely our choice and even if we enjoy the years we spent at home. It's one of the risks of being a SAHM.

Previous PP here. Thank you, this is exactly what I meant. I don’t know the woman... she might be smart and nice, but she raised not very nice people that want nothing to do with her and look down on her. This goes to show that my parents did much better with much less time... as per my point, quality over quantity. Kids’ success and their relationships with their parents does nit depend on how much time parents spend with their them

[Anonymous]

This thread has brought out some of the most odious characters that browse DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I used to have a very demanding job and was on the road for over half of the time. I was concerned about having kids with a demanding career, so I crowdsourced feedback on another forum from adults who had parents who had jobs that often kept them from their children. I received comments from around 40 people and nearly all of them said it was the quality of time (being present, not distracted with work calls etc) and not the quality of time that mattered. Some people had a parent who was home all of the time but not a good parent and their relationship today is non existent. Thankfully now my career is more manageable but still can be busy at times so I always on quality over quantity of time.

Quantity without quality is bad, but quality without quantity is also bad. I agree with a PP who said you’re not going to be able to emotionally connect with your kids during Sunday brunch. You have to do some of the physical grunt work too. The morning and evening routines, thinking about their needs and knowing the little details in their lives.

Case in point: SIL and BIL worked crazy hours until their kids were in ES. Only then did they realize their kids had autism (one severe) and so they’ve cut back a lot to spend more time with them. But it’s a little too late unfortunately.

Really nasty of you to accuse them of this.

That aside, I grew up with very hard working parents. Both my parents had very big careers and spent little (but lots of quality) time with us. My dad was his own boss and took longer vacations... so we had him for that... my mom had very little time off. I never EVER felt neglected. Compared with my friends (many with stay at home moms) I have the closest relationship with my mom. I speak/FaceTime with her 3-4 times a day, she spent the first 5-6 weeks with each of my 3 kids with me and always helped me a lot. My parents gave me more in terms of experiences, values, love and money than any of the friends I grew up with. We are very very close... We had several baby sitters and my mom had several cleaning ladies. It was a great experiences growing up that way... I knew that they were working so hard for US so that we could travel to Africa, US, other European countries, etc. I went to very expensive schools and my parents never said no to any experience or anything related to education (they said no to cellphones, cars, clothes plenty of time)... they always made me understand the value of money and I did nit grow up spoiled... they were amazing parents and they spent little time with us, but plenty of quality time...
Imagine that nowadays we vacation together every summer (for weeks/months) and my kids think of my mom as their second mom... I hope I will be half the parent my parents were and my kids will be lucky!

You were neglected as you had a fancy private school and babysitters/house keepers/staff to care for you. You clearly valued material things/school/travel over time. To say you hope to be half the parents your parents were is easy, just pay people.

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

If you ask me, it sounds like your mom failed in life big time bc she raised a pos like you.

Wow... I bet your mom would be proud of you bullying and insulting someone on an anonymous forum. Sorry you feel so threatened by other people’s experience to have to respond this way... I feel bad for your kids (if you have any)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

You know, for all the amazing things you claim to have, the bolded is one of the most staggering judgmental things I’ve ever seen posted on DCUM, and that’s saying a lot. Your friend sounds like an ungrateful jerk. It’s unfortunate that for all your wealth and amazing experiences, you have so little ability to conceive of happy lives that don’t mirror your own, or that, maybe, just maybe, a woman staying at home to raise children deserves respect from those children, rather than denigration.

DP and SAHM here. I disagree.

PP is not judging every stay at home mom. She is stating that this particular one wasted her life if she raised children who want to have nothing to do with her. I get your point that PP's friends should respect their mom. However, as a SAHM myself, I would feel like I wasted years at home with my kids if they ended up like PP's friend and his siblings. I am not blaming the SAHM necessarily, just admitting that I would feel like my time at home was wasted if my kids end up to be horrible people.

We might wish that this is not the case, but SAHMs who end up with horrible children are far more disappointed in their children than women who had careers. We feel like we gave up something even if it was completely our choice and even if we enjoy the years we spent at home. It's one of the risks of being a SAHM.

Yes, and if anyone was judgemental was the PP who said that she was neglected despite her saying she was not. People just really need to prove themselves...

Exacly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

You know, for all the amazing things you claim to have, the bolded is one of the most staggering judgmental things I’ve ever seen posted on DCUM, and that’s saying a lot. Your friend sounds like an ungrateful jerk. It’s unfortunate that for all your wealth and amazing experiences, you have so little ability to conceive of happy lives that don’t mirror your own, or that, maybe, just maybe, a woman staying at home to raise children deserves respect from those children, rather than denigration.

DP and SAHM here. I disagree.

PP is not judging every stay at home mom. She is stating that this particular one wasted her life if she raised children who want to have nothing to do with her. I get your point that PP's friends should respect their mom. However, as a SAHM myself, I would feel like I wasted years at home with my kids if they ended up like PP's friend and his siblings. I am not blaming the SAHM necessarily, just admitting that I would feel like my time at home was wasted if my kids end up to be horrible people.

We might wish that this is not the case, but SAHMs who end up with horrible children are far more disappointed in their children than women who had careers. We feel like we gave up something even if it was completely our choice and even if we enjoy the years we spent at home. It's one of the risks of being a SAHM.

Yes, and if anyone was judgemental was the PP who said that she was neglected despite her saying she was not. People just really need to prove themselves...

Exacly

Oops forget that last word

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

You know, for all the amazing things you claim to have, the bolded is one of the most staggering judgmental things I’ve ever seen posted on DCUM, and that’s saying a lot. Your friend sounds like an ungrateful jerk. It’s unfortunate that for all your wealth and amazing experiences, you have so little ability to conceive of happy lives that don’t mirror your own, or that, maybe, just maybe, a woman staying at home to raise children deserves respect from those children, rather than denigration.

DP and SAHM here. I disagree.

PP is not judging every stay at home mom. She is stating that this particular one wasted her life if she raised children who want to have nothing to do with her. I get your point that PP's friends should respect their mom. However, as a SAHM myself, I would feel like I wasted years at home with my kids if they ended up like PP's friend and his siblings. I am not blaming the SAHM necessarily, just admitting that I would feel like my time at home was wasted if my kids end up to be horrible people.

We might wish that this is not the case, but SAHMs who end up with horrible children are far more disappointed in their children than women who had careers. We feel like we gave up something even if it was completely our choice and even if we enjoy the years we spent at home. It's one of the risks of being a SAHM.

Previous PP here. Thank you, this is exactly what I meant. I don’t know the woman... she might be smart and nice, but she raised not very nice people that want nothing to do with her and look down on her. This goes to show that my parents did much better with much less time... as per my point, quality over quantity. Kids’ success and their relationships with their parents does nit depend on how much time parents spend with their them

PP who thinks you’re being judgmental, and, man, did you underscore my point. You don’t know the woman, so you judge her based on her children. I mean, never mind that, presumably, they had a father, who contributed not just interactions but half their DNA, which also influences their adult behavior. Despite all those complexities, you’re judging a stranger for the sole purpose of reinforcing your own beliefs about parenting. Brava.

I won’t blame your parents entirely for how ignorant and callous you are, because that would be unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status is part of it if I’m being honest but I wouldn’t have three only for status. I love being a mom but it feels good to project that we have enough money for three.

Thanks for being honest, PP. I'm someone who wouldn't have thought of the status thing. We're UMC, our kids go to private school, we live in a $1.5M house, have a boat, own horses, travel, etc. We could afford three but don't want more than two, which I guess is why it doesn't occur to me that having three signifies status in any way.

You are not UMC with that house, kids in private, a boat, horses and travel. Who are you trying to pretend to be. You are rich. It’s offensive you even pretend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status is part of it if I’m being honest but I wouldn’t have three only for status. I love being a mom but it feels good to project that we have enough money for three.

Thanks for being honest, PP. I'm someone who wouldn't have thought of the status thing. We're UMC, our kids go to private school, we live in a $1.5M house, have a boat, own horses, travel, etc. We could afford three but don't want more than two, which I guess is why it doesn't occur to me that having three signifies status in any way.

You are not UMC with that house, kids in private, a boat, horses and travel. Who are you trying to pretend to be. You are rich. It’s offensive you even pretend.

Lol right?!

[Anonymous]

My mom managed a full time career with 3 kids while pursuing her MBA. Divorced half of that time. It sucked for us kids. Sure she did it but we never saw her, spent all our sick days with babysitters or in the school office, and she took out all of her stress on us in constant crappy moods and rages. But good for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom managed a full time career with 3 kids while pursuing her MBA. Divorced half of that time. It sucked for us kids. Sure she did it but we never saw her, spent all our sick days with babysitters or in the school office, and she took out all of her stress on us in constant crappy moods and rages. But good for her?

She would have been the same whether you’d been an only child or had one sibling. Her behaviour wasn’t due to having 3 children.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who throws pity parties about how hard it is to have four boys but still is trying to have a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make snarky comments about having 3+ all the time but it’s been a life saver for these kids to have each other during the pandemic. They haven’t been lonely and still get tons of play. So we’re quite happy with having gone with more than the norm

YES. I have three (and a fourth on the way) and I say all the time that lacking any one of them would have made this much much harder. The oldest is old enough to loosely supervise the younger two when I'm in a different part of the house, the middle bridges the gap because the oldest and youngest are awfully far apart to play together, and the youngest entertains the middle when the oldest is doing schoolwork or reading a book. It's worked out beautifully, and having three is really honestly easier than having any two of them. So of course we're doing it again.

It’s easy as your oldest is a free bsbysitter. Not their job, it’s yours. Hire help.

And this is the most DC response on here. "Children need looking after? Don't encumber the little prince and princesses of the family! Hire (assumingly cheap and minority labor) to ensure that children of the family learn zero responsibility and start their wealth and privilege in life early on. Family work is the mother's job....but hire out if you need help. Never look to the family structure itself"

So much wrong here.

Nice try! I’m a Latina and agree with her.

And I am Latina and I think that we both know that there is a ton of inequities among Hispanics. This is not a racial issue, but a socioeconomic one, which is always on display in DCUM. The statement above could just as easily apply to wealthy Hispanic families as white.

I should’ve specified that I’m a first born Latina(not Hispanic though) and resent the way I was treated. I was born MC, if it matters.

Still don't find it to be relevant to the quote above above. If you resent how you were treated, it sounds like a personal, family issue. And it is still reasonable to assume that older children can babysit younger children without having to hire help regardless of background. No one is suggesting child abuse, and, no, regular household responsibilities are not overly burdensome to children. The idea that you must HIRE HELP for minor household chores is just silly.

No, it’s wrong to use your older children regardless of background.

And this is why so many children grow up helpless. Parents like you think they shouldn’t do anything because they’re so precious. Then they end up divorced because their spouses got tired of the helplessness. I had my children in my 40’s and the reason I was able to take care of them in a foreign country with no family help was because I had babysat my siblings and nieces. Babysitting is a valuable tool for future parents and probably a good form of birth control. Babysitting and other chores are part of a child’s education. I left my home country in my 20’s. Without that education, I would never have managed living on my own. No-one wants to marry your useless, helpless child, no matter how amazing you think he/she is. Teach them some responsibility. It’s your job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh wow! I was most definitely NOT neglected! My mom (and in many ways my dad) knew me so well! Yes, they were not around all the time and they gave me a lot of freedom growing up. They knew they could trust me and they knew exactly how much I could handle. We spent weeks just the 4 of us on a sail boat or in a car/ tents while crossing the Sahara desert. We did amazing things... quality things... but yes, my mom rarely cooked for us (and she was/is nit good at it), she rarely took us to swim/fencing classes, she did not monitor how much tv I was watching or how much time I spent doing homework, but she was absolutely present. I never had issues... always did well in school, etc. my brother had a harder time in school and my mom found the best tutor to help him (he is now a very well respected surgeon.
We always talked a lot and she knew ME. I had the best care (cleaning me, feeding me, taking me to activities) with amazing nannies/aupairs from all over the world (who taught me a lot).
I had the best childhood full of love and adventures and so many people who loved me (including my parents)

I had a friend growing up whose mom chose to stay at home. By the time he was 15, he was making fun of her and calling her “stupid” because all she did was cleaning her house and buying produce... she did a very crappy job being “present” in his life and nowadays the mom has almost zero contact with her kids... what a waste of a life if you ask me...

You know, for all the amazing things you claim to have, the bolded is one of the most staggering judgmental things I’ve ever seen posted on DCUM, and that’s saying a lot. Your friend sounds like an ungrateful jerk. It’s unfortunate that for all your wealth and amazing experiences, you have so little ability to conceive of happy lives that don’t mirror your own, or that, maybe, just maybe, a woman staying at home to raise children deserves respect from those children, rather than denigration.

DP and SAHM here. I disagree.

PP is not judging every stay at home mom. She is stating that this particular one wasted her life if she raised children who want to have nothing to do with her. I get your point that PP's friends should respect their mom. However, as a SAHM myself, I would feel like I wasted years at home with my kids if they ended up like PP's friend and his siblings. I am not blaming the SAHM necessarily, just admitting that I would feel like my time at home was wasted if my kids end up to be horrible people.

We might wish that this is not the case, but SAHMs who end up with horrible children are far more disappointed in their children than women who had careers. We feel like we gave up something even if it was completely our choice and even if we enjoy the years we spent at home. It's one of the risks of being a SAHM.

Previous PP here. Thank you, this is exactly what I meant. I don’t know the woman... she might be smart and nice, but she raised not very nice people that want nothing to do with her and look down on her. This goes to show that my parents did much better with much less time... as per my point, quality over quantity. Kids’ success and their relationships with their parents does nit depend on how much time parents spend with their them

PP who thinks you’re being judgmental, and, man, did you underscore my point. You don’t know the woman, so you judge her based on her children. I mean, never mind that, presumably, they had a father, who contributed not just interactions but half their DNA, which also influences their adult behavior. Despite all those complexities, you’re judging a stranger for the sole purpose of reinforcing your own beliefs about parenting. Brava.

I won’t blame your parents entirely for how ignorant and callous you are, because that would be unfair.

Again, you are missing my point and keep insulting (who is ignorant and callous here?).

My whole point is that spending a lot of time with your kids does not mean they will grow up to be good people or that you will be close to them. Why would you say that spending more time with them is better otherwise?
Maybe my “friend’s” mom made mistakes, maybe her husband did, maybe nobody did and she was just unlucky.... however, her being at home 24/7 was not a guarantee of raising good and successful people... I am not saying that this happened BECAUSE she stayed at home, all I am saying is that you can raise good and happy people and have really close relationships with them even working long days out if the home... that’s all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom managed a full time career with 3 kids while pursuing her MBA. Divorced half of that time. It sucked for us kids. Sure she did it but we never saw her, spent all our sick days with babysitters or in the school office, and she took out all of her stress on us in constant crappy moods and rages. But good for her?

She would have been the same whether you’d been an only child or had one sibling. Her behaviour wasn’t due to having 3 children.

NP it very well could be. External stress can lead to bad behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we like kids? What a weird question.

Like? Not love?