whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.

We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well

PP here. Same to you - I wish you and your family well.

I have sometimes thought to myself (not out loud. Goodness, that's not going to help your relationship!) how nice it would be to be divorced and have some weekends to myself. However, to go that route for such a reason just seems stupid. Just have a conversation with your spouse, and have you each take a Saturday to yourselves. Or get a sitter more often so you can go away for more weekends (much cheaper than divorce)

My husband and I joke about this all the time actually. We get a divorce, we both remarry people with no kids - boom, 4 adults to take care of 2 kids. Piece of cake. When the kids are grown we get remarried again.

(it's a JOKE!)

In all seriousness though, I agree with babysitters if possible. The process of finding a sitter we trust and getting her fully up to speed on all of the routines was a little bit of work, and of course we have to be thoughtful about budgeting for it, but now that we have a reliable sitter and have set aside the money for it, life seems SO MUCH easier and free-er. We feel like ourselves again.

[Anonymous]

Like all marriages we have some issues but I know my husband really loves and respects me so that really helps keep the little issues we have.....little. He’s also a great Dad and provider so I know I am really lucky. Whenever he does something that annoys me I just take a deep breath and realize that that is just part of the package. I’m sure that I annoy him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

You would have to have a better understanding of ASD, but it is well-known that the pressures of real adult life, specifically rearing and providing for children, can make previously "hidden" ASD and ADHD interfere. Meaning, therapies and tools that were learned earlier and employed through childhood and early adulthood are no longer adequate. My DH is case in point. He was very sweet, generous, and loving. After a loss of twins from premature labor, loss of job, and other things that we encounter as adults, he became a controlling, narcissistic horrible husband and very distant father (his kids think he's a complete freak). Nothing like who he was in his twenties, when we got married.

This sounds too familiar. Though 10 years later it’s changing again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic, money. He is a compulsive saver. I’m a saver too but think we can live a little now that we are doing so well. We clash on that.

Early in our marriage I felt the exact same way but when we went through our first recession and I saw friends lose jobs and homes I began to see the wisdom. We never lived anywhere near our incomes but we lived comfortably. Because of this paying for college was easy and once that was done we started to loosen the purse strings. When the Great Recession hit we were in the process of building a vacation home and I was thinking we should stop the project but he said it’s no problem as I’ve got the cash safely put away. His saving approach allowed him to take some career risks that really paid off. We are now retired and we live very well and I’m amazed by our net worth. He was a compulsive saver but he was never cheap. It took me awhile to get use to it but I’m very glad I did.

[Anonymous]

I don't think my husband respects me or my opinions. At all. For example, he recently he wanted to do something illegal with our child. I objected for a number of reasons. One of which was that it was illegal. He said he respected my opinion but he really wanted to do this with our child. And it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my husband respects me or my opinions. At all. For example, he recently he wanted to do something illegal with our child. I objected for a number of reasons. One of which was that it was illegal. He said he respected my opinion but he really wanted to do this with our child. And it happened.

Sometimes I exceed the posted speed limit with my child.

[Anonymous]

Our was my husband's drinking, but he quit drinking two years ago. We have very few issues now and get along great. The only issue now is that my libido is higher than his, but we're trying to work on ways to make sure our (really MY) needs are met. Honestly, this is the happiest we've been in 20 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we disagree, he always fights to win. And his tactic is always to say something so cutting and hurtful that it cuts the conversation dead in its tracks. It’s been such a relationship killer.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

Surely not a popular opinion on DCUM but I should make enough for you to SAHM, have someone clean the house, spend the morning in Starbucks, and then go to yoga and then you can birch at me that I don’t help.

The biggest issue is that men pursue women so the expect to be spoiled. I often wonder where my DW, from a working class family, came from. Where’s my Lexus LX, vacations to Nantucket, closet full of Lily and her and her friends look aghast that one of them might have to work. And for this I get disdain and starfish sex ? I realize now you should play catch and release with women.

This is not normal. It sounds like you chose poorly. Better luck with DW #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we disagree, he always fights to win. And his tactic is always to say something so cutting and hurtful that it cuts the conversation dead in its tracks. It’s been such a relationship killer.

This

+100

Inability to apologize and move on.
Would rather argue and lash out than resolve something.
Lashes out to protect his image at all costs (to the relationship or being respectful).

[Anonymous]

Most men will say lack of sex
Most women will say lack of help raising a family (chores, child rearing, etc)

[Anonymous]

eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:eating disorder.

Not sure how familiar you are with eating disorders, but is it being treated? It has high comorbidity with depression and anxiety so while I'm sure it's very difficult for you, please keep in mind how much your spouse is suffering. Hopefully they are getting help and on the road to recovery. It's important they get help because the mortality rate for anorexics/bulimics is shockingly high. Blessings to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.

UGH. Mine too. I hate it.

Me three. He's aware of it and tries to keep it to himself...but the racism and misogyny slip out when he's drinking/hanging with friends. Makes me seethe.