Spanking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that spank, how do you teach your children to not hit other's in anger?

If Johnny steals your child's ball on the playground, Johnny is wrong, is it ok for your child to hit him?

How do you explain "don't hit other kids, but I will hit you when it suits me"?

I just responded to another question re: spanking. We use it sparingly, and we don't hit her in anger. We haven't had any issues with her hitting other kids. There's a fundamental difference between parents spanking a child for infractions, IMO, and hitting another child on the playground. In cultures where there's a lot of respect for parents, and spanking is routine and NBD, this doesn't feel like a contradiction.

I would expect an association between actual childhood physical abuse and playground violence, but not between occasional spanking and playground hitting.

You can't think of a single other punishment that would get across to your child how serious this matter is? Without having some sort of cool,calm and collected hitting time? I have two kids. I have WANTED to smack them for sure. Kids can be infuriating. But anytime it's gotten to that point, it's been made crystal clear that I am the one doing something WRONG. And I am the one who needs to figure out what will speak to my child about this issue in a way they will understand.

I think spanking is incredibly lazy parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that spank, how do you teach your children to not hit other's in anger?

If Johnny steals your child's ball on the playground, Johnny is wrong, is it ok for your child to hit him?

How do you explain "don't hit other kids, but I will hit you when it suits me"?

I just responded to another question re: spanking. We use it sparingly, and we don't hit her in anger. We haven't had any issues with her hitting other kids. There's a fundamental difference between parents spanking a child for infractions, IMO, and hitting another child on the playground. In cultures where there's a lot of respect for parents, and spanking is routine and NBD, this doesn't feel like a contradiction.

I would expect an association between actual childhood physical abuse and playground violence, but not between occasional spanking and playground hitting.

You can't think of a single other punishment that would get across to your child how serious this matter is? Without having some sort of cool,calm and collected hitting time? I have two kids. I have WANTED to smack them for sure. Kids can be infuriating. But anytime it's gotten to that point, it's been made crystal clear that I am the one doing something WRONG. And I am the one who needs to figure out what will speak to my child about this issue in a way they will understand.

I think spanking is incredibly lazy parenting.

The appropriateness and effectiveness of a punishment is not determined by how difficult or easy it is to implement. In other words, the fact that it's simple and straightforward is not a reason to avoid it; likewise, just because something is more difficult and complicated doesn't make it inherently better.

I don't think anyone here is talking about "wanting to smack" their kids. But I agree that, based on the fact that you did, you did well to refrain from doing that in your moment of anger.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that it is easy to cross the line if you employ corporal punishment. It can't always be clear that you are acting fairly. My 70 year old mother is still bitter to this day that my grandmother used corporal punishment against her more than her other siblings. My mother wasn't any worse-behaved that the others, she just became the scapegoat when her mother was frustrated. The other siblings in hindsight now agree that this was true - and at the time, my mother's own elderly grandparents intervened a number of times because they could see she was being unfairly blamed. It certainly drove a wedge between my mother and grandmother, and also between my mother and her siblings.

[Anonymous]

Issues of favoritism toward one child, or the singling out of another, are not specific to corporal punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that spank, how do you teach your children to not hit other's in anger?

If Johnny steals your child's ball on the playground, Johnny is wrong, is it ok for your child to hit him?

How do you explain "don't hit other kids, but I will hit you when it suits me"?

I just responded to another question re: spanking. We use it sparingly, and we don't hit her in anger. We haven't had any issues with her hitting other kids. There's a fundamental difference between parents spanking a child for infractions, IMO, and hitting another child on the playground. In cultures where there's a lot of respect for parents, and spanking is routine and NBD, this doesn't feel like a contradiction.

I would expect an association between actual childhood physical abuse and playground violence, but not between occasional spanking and playground hitting.

You can't think of a single other punishment that would get across to your child how serious this matter is? Without having some sort of cool,calm and collected hitting time? I have two kids. I have WANTED to smack them for sure. Kids can be infuriating. But anytime it's gotten to that point, it's been made crystal clear that I am the one doing something WRONG. And I am the one who needs to figure out what will speak to my child about this issue in a way they will understand.

I think spanking is incredibly lazy parenting.

The appropriateness and effectiveness of a punishment is not determined by how difficult or easy it is to implement. In other words, the fact that it's simple and straightforward is not a reason to avoid it; likewise, just because something is more difficult and complicated doesn't make it inherently better.

I don't think anyone here is talking about "wanting to smack" their kids. But I agree that, based on the fact that you did, you did well to refrain from doing that in your moment of anger.

No I think it's lazy to use brute force to make a point with your child. When kids act like terrors, there is a reason. If you are too lazy to figure out the reason, address it and fix it, by all means, keep putting them over your knee to physically hurt them.

Spanking may work. That doesn't mean it's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that spank, how do you teach your children to not hit other's in anger?

If Johnny steals your child's ball on the playground, Johnny is wrong, is it ok for your child to hit him?

How do you explain "don't hit other kids, but I will hit you when it suits me"?

I just responded to another question re: spanking. We use it sparingly, and we don't hit her in anger. We haven't had any issues with her hitting other kids. There's a fundamental difference between parents spanking a child for infractions, IMO, and hitting another child on the playground. In cultures where there's a lot of respect for parents, and spanking is routine and NBD, this doesn't feel like a contradiction.

I would expect an association between actual childhood physical abuse and playground violence, but not between occasional spanking and playground hitting.

You can't think of a single other punishment that would get across to your child how serious this matter is? Without having some sort of cool,calm and collected hitting time? I have two kids. I have WANTED to smack them for sure. Kids can be infuriating. But anytime it's gotten to that point, it's been made crystal clear that I am the one doing something WRONG. And I am the one who needs to figure out what will speak to my child about this issue in a way they will understand.

I think spanking is incredibly lazy parenting.

The appropriateness and effectiveness of a punishment is not determined by how difficult or easy it is to implement. In other words, the fact that it's simple and straightforward is not a reason to avoid it; likewise, just because something is more difficult and complicated doesn't make it inherently better.

I don't think anyone here is talking about "wanting to smack" their kids. But I agree that, based on the fact that you did, you did well to refrain from doing that in your moment of anger.

No I think it's lazy to use brute force to make a point with your child. When kids act like terrors, there is a reason. If you are too lazy to figure out the reason, address it and fix it, by all means, keep putting them over your knee to physically hurt them.

Spanking may work. That doesn't mean it's right.

No, that certainly doesn't make it right. However, the fact that it's relatively easy (and reportedly effective) doesn't make it wrong, either. That was my point -- the criticism that it's the "lazy option" is irrelevant.

You can try to argue that it's wrong, but you have to do so logically. Easy does not equal wrong.

[Anonymous]

Whether right or wrong, I do think parents that spank lack the intellengence to find better ways to discipline their child. One mother in my neighborhood told my MIL she spanked her kids when they were young, and 5 years later I still think about it when I see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether right or wrong, I do think parents that spank lack the intellengence to find better ways to discipline their child. One mother in my neighborhood told my MIL she spanked her kids when they were young, and 5 years later I still think about it when I see her.

In some cases, that's probably true, although no different than anyone who uses a single form of discipline or behavior modification for all circumstances.

I haven't read of a single contributor to this thread who uses spanking as the sole means of discipline. Obviously, it's one of many, including teaching, encouragement, rewards, and so forth. In light of that, I'm thinking that your statement, since you prefaced it with "right or wrong," is probably right for a very limited few, but not applicable to the discussion on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're spanking more than once, clearly it's NOT working long-term. It only shocks the child out of the behavior in the moment.

I had a willful, high energy runner of a child who I never spanked. It was hard and frustrating and I had to think (and move) fast and creatively. But I am really proud of myself for breaking the pattern and never hitting her.

This is a good explanation of why I don't hit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TyaMaDw5p8

So you never had to employ any form of discipline more than once? That's pretty impressive.

I am very into restorative justice. You threw a fit and knocked over a glass of water? What are you going to do to make things better? You lied? What will you do to make it up and restore my trust in you?

But you know what? One of the times I thought about spanking DD was when she was almost 3, and ran into oncoming traffic. I ran after her, caught her, and told her she just lost the freedom to walk, now she had to be strapped into her stroller because she couldn't be trusted to walk safely. She never did that again. Many would say running into a busy street is the type of thing they'd spank over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're spanking more than once, clearly it's NOT working long-term. It only shocks the child out of the behavior in the moment.

I had a willful, high energy runner of a child who I never spanked. It was hard and frustrating and I had to think (and move) fast and creatively. But I am really proud of myself for breaking the pattern and never hitting her.

This is a good explanation of why I don't hit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TyaMaDw5p8

So you never had to employ any form of discipline more than once? That's pretty impressive.

I am very into restorative justice. You threw a fit and knocked over a glass of water? What are you going to do to make things better? You lied? What will you do to make it up and restore my trust in you?

But you know what? One of the times I thought about spanking DD was when she was almost 3, and ran into oncoming traffic. I ran after her, caught her, and told her she just lost the freedom to walk, now she had to be strapped into her stroller because she couldn't be trusted to walk safely. She never did that again. Many would say running into a busy street is the type of thing they'd spank over.

We didn't always use a stroller, and we have multiple children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that spank, how do you teach your children to not hit other's in anger?

If Johnny steals your child's ball on the playground, Johnny is wrong, is it ok for your child to hit him?

How do you explain "don't hit other kids, but I will hit you when it suits me"?

I just responded to another question re: spanking. We use it sparingly, and we don't hit her in anger. We haven't had any issues with her hitting other kids. There's a fundamental difference between parents spanking a child for infractions, IMO, and hitting another child on the playground. In cultures where there's a lot of respect for parents, and spanking is routine and NBD, this doesn't feel like a contradiction.

I would expect an association between actual childhood physical abuse and playground violence, but not between occasional spanking and playground hitting.

You can't think of a single other punishment that would get across to your child how serious this matter is? Without having some sort of cool,calm and collected hitting time? I have two kids. I have WANTED to smack them for sure. Kids can be infuriating. But anytime it's gotten to that point, it's been made crystal clear that I am the one doing something WRONG. And I am the one who needs to figure out what will speak to my child about this issue in a way they will understand.

I think spanking is incredibly lazy parenting.

The appropriateness and effectiveness of a punishment is not determined by how difficult or easy it is to implement. In other words, the fact that it's simple and straightforward is not a reason to avoid it; likewise, just because something is more difficult and complicated doesn't make it inherently better.

I don't think anyone here is talking about "wanting to smack" their kids. But I agree that, based on the fact that you did, you did well to refrain from doing that in your moment of anger.

No I think it's lazy to use brute force to make a point with your child. When kids act like terrors, there is a reason. If you are too lazy to figure out the reason, address it and fix it, by all means, keep putting them over your knee to physically hurt them.

Spanking may work. That doesn't mean it's right.

Doesn’t mean it’s wrong, either. You’re entitled to your opinion. Others have different ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two teenagers and a 10 year old. Oldest and youngest were very mild mannered little kids. Dd2 was a different story. We actually thought about spanking her even though it wasn't anything we ever wanted to do. Decided that it wasn't the most effective punishment for her long term along with other reasons. I'm glad we worked through it and didn't resort to spanking her. I don't feel like it would've helped her to self regulate in addition to any other issues it might have caused.

She's now an amazingly well behaved teenager who laughs when she sees videos of her strong willed self as a toddler. No entitlement here either. Just a confident, straight A honors student with a great heart who can stick up for herself and others if needed. She probably would've been fine even if she was spanked but who knows. I think it was a lot more work for us and I'm not going to lie, it was hard, really difficult at times but now I don't feel guilty and have to second guess our choices.

My mom gave me the best advice when DD was younger and we were struggling. She said that our daughter "was going to be an amazing woman one day. Getting her to that point isn't going to be easy but it will be worth all of the work" couldn't have been more true!

NP here. What a wonderful story, but I hope you are not abashing PP because she made a different choice than you. Most of us do the absolute very best we can with the hand we are dealt. Let's wish the best for her child, as your mom wished for yours.

Nope, not at all. Just wanted to share my story where not spanking my not so compliant daughter had a positive outcome. There seemed to be a lot of doubt about raising strong willed kids without spanking them. Just sharing, not judging. We seriously contemplated spanking her because we felt like nothing was working for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're spanking more than once, clearly it's NOT working long-term. It only shocks the child out of the behavior in the moment.

I had a willful, high energy runner of a child who I never spanked. It was hard and frustrating and I had to think (and move) fast and creatively. But I am really proud of myself for breaking the pattern and never hitting her.

This is a good explanation of why I don't hit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TyaMaDw5p8

So you never had to employ any form of discipline more than once? That's pretty impressive.

I am very into restorative justice. You threw a fit and knocked over a glass of water? What are you going to do to make things better? You lied? What will you do to make it up and restore my trust in you?

But you know what? One of the times I thought about spanking DD was when she was almost 3, and ran into oncoming traffic. I ran after her, caught her, and told her she just lost the freedom to walk, now she had to be strapped into her stroller because she couldn't be trusted to walk safely. She never did that again. Many would say running into a busy street is the type of thing they'd spank over.

We didn't always use a stroller, and we have multiple children.

So you hit your kid because you planned poorly?

[Anonymous]

No, I spanked because I wanted him to have a reason to not run into streets without having to physically restrain him at all times.