Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Married people are flexible with one another. divorces people compensate one another.
Father’s inability to care for child on his parenting time is a fact. It’s not simple to rearrange existing plans and or /work travel for mom. Why are you expecting her to do that to facilitate herr spending less time with the child that she’s used to primary parenting. Nah.

He’s working and said he’d get care on his time and that was not good enough for mom nor will she work with him. She can use family and sitters but he cannot.

If she travels he can switch with her.

No. He is claiming he is entitled to 50% custody yet his work schedule does not permit that.

If his work schedule is occasional travel, like OP says-it permits it. He has a plan of care. He would not be denied desired 50/50 for that.

I know there is a pp in here that claims that, but I think they are posting from 1995 or something-nowadays, 50/50 is commonly presumed and many parents occasionally travel for work. Op should consider ROFR if she wants to care for dc in his absence, otherwise his plan to have family care for dc is acceptable to any court.

Again read the DC code for an example of the presumption. It’s a presumption of joint custody, not totally equal time, and the judge would certainly consider a parents history of univolvement vs a stay at home parent, as well as significant business travel and/or a job that regularly requires staying in the office post bedtime. Of course we don’t know OP’s exact facts but it is simply untrue that there is no way to get more than 50%.

OP didn't say where they lived, and even if it was DC-the other parent desires 50/50 and has made acceptable plans for care for their occasional travel. This is very very unlikely to result in anything less than 50/50. Many parents have jobs that require travel or working 'post bedtime'. It sounds like you have little experience in this area, at least not in this century.

As long as you actually refuse to look at a code or cite to your opinion, you are a useless concern troll to women who have strong legal claims against 50-50 parenting time.

Meanwhile I will let you read just one example from MD: https://www.mdcourts.gov/sites/default/files/unreported-opinions/0152s23.pdf

We don’t know the facts of OP’s case. If her ex travels 2-3 times a year for a few days planned in advance and can be home before bedtime reliably on his custody days and was an active hands on parent before, then sure, he can likely get 50% time.

If he travels so frequently he will regularly be gone on his custody days, regularly works so late he cannot get home before bedtime, had a pattern of not providing childcare due to work obligations during the marriage, OP was a SAHM … then these are the kinds of facts a court will consider in deciding on the schedule. Remember that the relevant standard is the “best interests of the child” not the rights of the parents to 50%.

You may also be confusing the legal notion of “joint custody” with 50-50 parenting time. Joint custody does not equate with 50-50 split. It means two things - joint legal custody, meaning the parents have to agree on major decisions; and joint physical custody, which means that each parent has physical custody - but this does not mean exactly 50%.

PP-did you...read...the case link you posted? Because if you did, you'd have read that it doesn't involve travel at all. And, it doesn't so much involve the father's schedule, but cites the fact that the parents had a de facto time split and the father later asked for 50/50-after an incident where he left a dc unattended. So, this wasn't simply a case where Dad didn't get 50/50 because 'schedule and travel'.

Ahem... you're the troll....you didn't even read your own link.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Married people are flexible with one another. divorces people compensate one another.
Father’s inability to care for child on his parenting time is a fact. It’s not simple to rearrange existing plans and or /work travel for mom. Why are you expecting her to do that to facilitate herr spending less time with the child that she’s used to primary parenting. Nah.

He’s working and said he’d get care on his time and that was not good enough for mom nor will she work with him. She can use family and sitters but he cannot.

If she travels he can switch with her.

No. He is claiming he is entitled to 50% custody yet his work schedule does not permit that.

If his work schedule is occasional travel, like OP says-it permits it. He has a plan of care. He would not be denied desired 50/50 for that.

I know there is a pp in here that claims that, but I think they are posting from 1995 or something-nowadays, 50/50 is commonly presumed and many parents occasionally travel for work. Op should consider ROFR if she wants to care for dc in his absence, otherwise his plan to have family care for dc is acceptable to any court.

Posting from Denver. Have teens. Primary custody. Not 1985 sorry. There are still a lot of families where one parent is SAH or has a flexible job, and one travels extensively. Even in 50-50 states my divorce was final in 2021, so current. We had a PRE who determined primary custody with mom would be best for the kids and that’s what the court ordered.

Did the dad actively persue 50/50 when filing?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Married people are flexible with one another. divorces people compensate one another.
Father’s inability to care for child on his parenting time is a fact. It’s not simple to rearrange existing plans and or /work travel for mom. Why are you expecting her to do that to facilitate herr spending less time with the child that she’s used to primary parenting. Nah.

He’s working and said he’d get care on his time and that was not good enough for mom nor will she work with him. She can use family and sitters but he cannot.

If she travels he can switch with her.

No. He is claiming he is entitled to 50% custody yet his work schedule does not permit that.

If his work schedule is occasional travel, like OP says-it permits it. He has a plan of care. He would not be denied desired 50/50 for that.

I know there is a pp in here that claims that, but I think they are posting from 1995 or something-nowadays, 50/50 is commonly presumed and many parents occasionally travel for work. Op should consider ROFR if she wants to care for dc in his absence, otherwise his plan to have family care for dc is acceptable to any court.

Again read the DC code for an example of the presumption. It’s a presumption of joint custody, not totally equal time, and the judge would certainly consider a parents history of univolvement vs a stay at home parent, as well as significant business travel and/or a job that regularly requires staying in the office post bedtime. Of course we don’t know OP’s exact facts but it is simply untrue that there is no way to get more than 50%.

OP didn't say where they lived, and even if it was DC-the other parent desires 50/50 and has made acceptable plans for care for their occasional travel. This is very very unlikely to result in anything less than 50/50. Many parents have jobs that require travel or working 'post bedtime'. It sounds like you have little experience in this area, at least not in this century.

What’s considered occasional travel?

OP here back tonight. DH travels 2-3 weeks/month, usually including a weekend day on either or both ends to accommodate international flights.

PS not in DC and my attorney has specific ideas about occasional travel vs frequent travel and how it would affect custody in a trial in our jurisdiction, but curious about what the general perception of “occasional” is so I can try to understand what interpretation DH might try to justify.

That sounds like frequent absences to me. But your lawyer is the one who knows. You can look at the Maryland case I just posted for an example: https://www.mdcourts.gov/sites/default/files/unreported-opinions/0152s23.pdf

If you feel your lawyer is not being assertive enough you can get a second opinion.

Quite the opposite: very assertive attorney. Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t leading me astray or I’m not just hearing what I want to hear.

That case was a roller coaster to read. I’m very fearful of going to trial and can’t believe the role the BIA played in this case. Randomly assigned decision-making? Family court is a mess.

Personally, I'd put in ROFR and use it when he travels. So he'd get his 50/50, you'd get the time he was away, and you don't have to deal with family court.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Married people are flexible with one another. divorces people compensate one another.
Father’s inability to care for child on his parenting time is a fact. It’s not simple to rearrange existing plans and or /work travel for mom. Why are you expecting her to do that to facilitate herr spending less time with the child that she’s used to primary parenting. Nah.

He’s working and said he’d get care on his time and that was not good enough for mom nor will she work with him. She can use family and sitters but he cannot.

If she travels he can switch with her.

No. He is claiming he is entitled to 50% custody yet his work schedule does not permit that.

If his work schedule is occasional travel, like OP says-it permits it. He has a plan of care. He would not be denied desired 50/50 for that.

I know there is a pp in here that claims that, but I think they are posting from 1995 or something-nowadays, 50/50 is commonly presumed and many parents occasionally travel for work. Op should consider ROFR if she wants to care for dc in his absence, otherwise his plan to have family care for dc is acceptable to any court.

Again read the DC code for an example of the presumption. It’s a presumption of joint custody, not totally equal time, and the judge would certainly consider a parents history of univolvement vs a stay at home parent, as well as significant business travel and/or a job that regularly requires staying in the office post bedtime. Of course we don’t know OP’s exact facts but it is simply untrue that there is no way to get more than 50%.

OP didn't say where they lived, and even if it was DC-the other parent desires 50/50 and has made acceptable plans for care for their occasional travel. This is very very unlikely to result in anything less than 50/50. Many parents have jobs that require travel or working 'post bedtime'. It sounds like you have little experience in this area, at least not in this century.

As long as you actually refuse to look at a code or cite to your opinion, you are a useless concern troll to women who have strong legal claims against 50-50 parenting time.

Meanwhile I will let you read just one example from MD: https://www.mdcourts.gov/sites/default/files/unreported-opinions/0152s23.pdf

We don’t know the facts of OP’s case. If her ex travels 2-3 times a year for a few days planned in advance and can be home before bedtime reliably on his custody days and was an active hands on parent before, then sure, he can likely get 50% time.

If he travels so frequently he will regularly be gone on his custody days, regularly works so late he cannot get home before bedtime, had a pattern of not providing childcare due to work obligations during the marriage, OP was a SAHM … then these are the kinds of facts a court will consider in deciding on the schedule. Remember that the relevant standard is the “best interests of the child” not the rights of the parents to 50%.

You may also be confusing the legal notion of “joint custody” with 50-50 parenting time. Joint custody does not equate with 50-50 split. It means two things - joint legal custody, meaning the parents have to agree on major decisions; and joint physical custody, which means that each parent has physical custody - but this does not mean exactly 50%.

PP-did you...read...the case link you posted? Because if you did, you'd have read that it doesn't involve travel at all. And, it doesn't so much involve the father's schedule, but cites the fact that the parents had a de facto time split and the father later asked for 50/50-after an incident where he left a dc unattended. So, this wasn't simply a case where Dad didn't get 50/50 because 'schedule and travel'.

Ahem... you're the troll....you didn't even read your own link.

I read the entire case, obviously. No it does not involve travel, but it absolutely shows how a judge took into account the dad’s work schedule as one factor in determining the amount of custody. The incident with leaving the child unattended was one fact out of many and not key to the decision to give the mom more hours. Obviously every case is different, but this one absolutely is an example of how a court handles it when a dad claims he wants 50-50 but his job does not allow for him to actually be physically present for 50% of the time, and the mom was doing most of the childcare prior to the separation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Married people are flexible with one another. divorces people compensate one another.
Father’s inability to care for child on his parenting time is a fact. It’s not simple to rearrange existing plans and or /work travel for mom. Why are you expecting her to do that to facilitate herr spending less time with the child that she’s used to primary parenting. Nah.

He’s working and said he’d get care on his time and that was not good enough for mom nor will she work with him. She can use family and sitters but he cannot.

If she travels he can switch with her.

No. He is claiming he is entitled to 50% custody yet his work schedule does not permit that.

If his work schedule is occasional travel, like OP says-it permits it. He has a plan of care. He would not be denied desired 50/50 for that.

I know there is a pp in here that claims that, but I think they are posting from 1995 or something-nowadays, 50/50 is commonly presumed and many parents occasionally travel for work. Op should consider ROFR if she wants to care for dc in his absence, otherwise his plan to have family care for dc is acceptable to any court.

Again read the DC code for an example of the presumption. It’s a presumption of joint custody, not totally equal time, and the judge would certainly consider a parents history of univolvement vs a stay at home parent, as well as significant business travel and/or a job that regularly requires staying in the office post bedtime. Of course we don’t know OP’s exact facts but it is simply untrue that there is no way to get more than 50%.

OP didn't say where they lived, and even if it was DC-the other parent desires 50/50 and has made acceptable plans for care for their occasional travel. This is very very unlikely to result in anything less than 50/50. Many parents have jobs that require travel or working 'post bedtime'. It sounds like you have little experience in this area, at least not in this century.

What’s considered occasional travel?

OP here back tonight. DH travels 2-3 weeks/month, usually including a weekend day on either or both ends to accommodate international flights.

PS not in DC and my attorney has specific ideas about occasional travel vs frequent travel and how it would affect custody in a trial in our jurisdiction, but curious about what the general perception of “occasional” is so I can try to understand what interpretation DH might try to justify.

That sounds like frequent absences to me. But your lawyer is the one who knows. You can look at the Maryland case I just posted for an example: https://www.mdcourts.gov/sites/default/files/unreported-opinions/0152s23.pdf

If you feel your lawyer is not being assertive enough you can get a second opinion.

Quite the opposite: very assertive attorney. Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t leading me astray or I’m not just hearing what I want to hear.

That case was a roller coaster to read. I’m very fearful of going to trial and can’t believe the role the BIA played in this case. Randomly assigned decision-making? Family court is a mess.

Personally, I'd put in ROFR and use it when he travels. So he'd get his 50/50, you'd get the time he was away, and you don't have to deal with family court.

That is probably one easy route but OP needs to get additional child support for that, and it also makes her schedule unpredictable for her own job. At the end of the day if he does not intend to take his custody time, the schedule should reflect that. But yeah OP needs to balance a lot of factors in the negotiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

[Anonymous]

I am edging toward Team xDH. Is it OP's position that xDH has say over childcare arrangements during her 50%? Or just that she should have extra say because he might otherwise look good to outsiders?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

So, this isn't fact. Many parents have times when they are not home, or work non-traditional schedules. Should every dr, nurse, police officer, emt, ect, not have 50/50? Many parents travel occasionally. Many do not work Mon-Fri 9-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

Have you been to court lately? Dads who ask the court for 50/50 get it in the DC area. The standard is “best interest of the child”, but the practice is 50/50 if that is what Dad goes to court for (not settled, not mediated…Dad stands in front of an active judge and says “I want 50/50.”)

The other assumption is that everything changes when parents divorce. Sure you were a SAHM, but the court will expect you to go back to work. Sure Dad travels 25% of the time, but the expectation is his schedule will also change: he will travel during the 15 days of the month Junior is with Mom. The Court doesn’t care about division of labor that was negotiated during the marriage, because the marriage is over. Again, this is not applicable in settled/mediated cases. This is standing in front of a judge, in the DC area, where both parents intend to stay local, neither are crack whores, and Dad wants 50/50 with a childcare plan for while he is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

So, this isn't fact. Many parents have times when they are not home, or work non-traditional schedules. Should every dr, nurse, police officer, emt, ect, not have 50/50? Many parents travel occasionally. Many do not work Mon-Fri 9-5.

Correct - parents whose work schedule does not allow them to be physically present for 50% of the time shouldn’t get 50% time. This actually isn’t that hard to understand. And no this isn’t about non traditional schedules or occasional travel, but about simply not being physically present to parent. Sorry you don’t like that but it is a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am edging toward Team xDH. Is it OP's position that xDH has say over childcare arrangements during her 50%? Or just that she should have extra say because he might otherwise look good to outsiders?

There’s a difference between childcare that is minimal, normal and routine (like 2 hours after school) and overnight absences for many days on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

So, this isn't fact. Many parents have times when they are not home, or work non-traditional schedules. Should every dr, nurse, police officer, emt, ect, not have 50/50? Many parents travel occasionally. Many do not work Mon-Fri 9-5.

Correct - parents whose work schedule does not allow them to be physically present for 50% of the time shouldn’t get 50% time. This actually isn’t that hard to understand. And no this isn’t about non traditional schedules or occasional travel, but about simply not being physically present to parent. Sorry you don’t like that but it is a fact.

It's not a fact. Literally not. Maybe it's your personal preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

Have you been to court lately? Dads who ask the court for 50/50 get it in the DC area. The standard is “best interest of the child”, but the practice is 50/50 if that is what Dad goes to court for (not settled, not mediated…Dad stands in front of an active judge and says “I want 50/50.”)

The other assumption is that everything changes when parents divorce. Sure you were a SAHM, but the court will expect you to go back to work. Sure Dad travels 25% of the time, but the expectation is his schedule will also change: he will travel during the 15 days of the month Junior is with Mom. The Court doesn’t care about division of labor that was negotiated during the marriage, because the marriage is over. Again, this is not applicable in settled/mediated cases. This is standing in front of a judge, in the DC area, where both parents intend to stay local, neither are crack whores, and Dad wants 50/50 with a childcare plan for while he is working.

Dad’s absolutely do not get 50% just because they asked for it. I posted the DC law and an MD case on this point. A judge will take into account that a parent’s work schedule does not allow them to be physically present to provide care 50% of the time, as well as the fact that mom provided all or most of the care prior to the separation. This is literally in the text of the DC core and discussed in the MD case. Again for those of you in the back - “joint custody”
does not equate legally to 50% timeshare. You can have joint custody and different split.

Also because you are obviously not a lawyer or you are a bad one - you should know that parties bargain in the shadow of the law. So what a judge would do in a case absolutely creates the conditions considered in a mediation or settlement discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to.

People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom.

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change.

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time.

So, this isn't fact. Many parents have times when they are not home, or work non-traditional schedules. Should every dr, nurse, police officer, emt, ect, not have 50/50? Many parents travel occasionally. Many do not work Mon-Fri 9-5.

Correct - parents whose work schedule does not allow them to be physically present for 50% of the time shouldn’t get 50% time. This actually isn’t that hard to understand. And no this isn’t about non traditional schedules or occasional travel, but about simply not being physically present to parent. Sorry you don’t like that but it is a fact.

It's not a fact. Literally not. Maybe it's your personal preference.

Ok. Please cite the statute or case supporting your view.