Reply to Birthday party invites - not inviting one girl

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.[/quote]

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, [b]this is a situation where I think you can be frank.[/b][/quote]

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?[/quote]

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what![/quote]

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly. [/quote]

OP, I have no doubt you mean well, but the girls are far FAR too old for you to be intervening in these ways. Particularly with the other girls parents- truly, wow. If there is a problem AT school or on the bus/school sponsored activities - discuss it with the appropriate authority (and usually the teacher will be the first step). Beyond that, the girls should not need to see each other- and that IS up to you, considering the age of your daughter. And sure- don’t invite the girl as there are obviously long-standing issues. This meddlesome behavior on your end needs to stop, though. Totally and completely inappropriate- I cannot stress that enough. [/quote]

Ok, and you are? The girls are 9. I did speak with the teacher. And then I told the girls' parents that I had spoken with the teacher because I wasn't trying to be sneaky about it. But I'm being meddlesome, ok. It has actually helped, if you're interested. The two weeks in December before break and after the party the girl was actually much less mean. So I can't stress enough how much I don't care about your opinions on a situation you know nothing about.[/quote]

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