I think I win the Thanksgiving 2023 petty vents already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs just showed up 9 hours early. They were supposed to arrive “a little before dinner time tonight,” so we were thinking around 5 p.m. DH and I are both working from home today, with lots of meetings. We were each going to take care of a few last-minute things around lunch time, like putting sheets on the guest bed and laying out tables. The house is fully cleaned, but we were finishing up laundry and that includes the guest sheets which are currently in the dryer. So rude for them to show up hours early, mumbling about how they were worried about traffic.

We were also planning on each eating some leftovers for lunch. The fridge was fully cleaned yesterday, and we do have extra food for sandwiches and stuff, but we weren’t going to produce a full lunch.

I just took a bagel and coffee upstairs and shut the door. I am not dealing with them until 5 p.m. as planned. I’ll pick up the kids a little early from the child care center (after care center that is open on school breaks) so that they can see the grandparents a little earlier, but not until after my final call, which ends at 3:30. I’m not dealing with them a minute more than I have to. So rude.

My ILs did this a few years back. It was so incredibly inconsiderate. They knocked on the door hours early while I was still in my PJs. My husband very politely asked them to go out and get brunch, and he gave them several local options and told them he'd pay the bill for brunch, but that we simply were not ready for them and could not invite them in right at that moment.
My ILs were furious. Furious. Angry beyond anything you can possibly imagine, and completely out of proportion to our "crime."
They told DH that if it had been MY parents arriving so early, I would have invited them in and fed them breakfast. They still have not gotten over this "snub" as they put it.
Tread carefully, OP. I don't regret it, but my ILs made me pay for MY rudeness by not inviting them into my not-ready house. Oh, and our child was about 18 months old, not dressed, not fed, WTF? But I'm the bad guy!?!?
Does an invitation for XX time mean nothing? We'd invited them for lunch!! 12 noon, not 8 a.m.!!!

Imho a good compromise would be for your DH to take them to brunch and for you to stay home and carry on with your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

I have it even better than you—my husband is our family’s baker.

Great! Always a good setup.
But why are you competing with me, remind me?
I was just talking about how I want to be a gracious host…

Calm down and learn to taking a little teasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

I have it even better than you—my husband is our family’s baker.

Great! Always a good setup.
But why are you competing with me, remind me?
I was just talking about how I want to be a gracious host…

Calm down and learn to taking a little teasing.

“Can’t you take a joke?!”
So predictable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.

Cheese lady here. I know people are imagining all sorts of things about me but I am actually not high maintenance. I bring gifts (chocolate or wine and stuff for the kids), I always offer to help, etc.
I thought we had a fairly good relationship with SIL. She just changed all of a sudden and it looked unnatural. She isn’t doing all the hosting, ever. But it all looked like she read this forum or something
It’s hard for me to explain it without sounding demanding and what not.

Gee, wonder why.

Make yourself some tea and shaddap, already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

I have it even better than you—my husband is our family’s baker.

Great! Always a good setup.
But why are you competing with me, remind me?
I was just talking about how I want to be a gracious host…

Calm down and learn to taking a little teasing.

“Can’t you take a joke?!”

So predictable

So, you hear that a lot, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

…except it sounds like your family is the complete opposite of the pp SIL who not only shows up as a guest expecting to be immediately be catered to but is further annoyed if it’s her brother rather than her SIL who tends to her needs

You are projecting so much it hurts lol

No, they are correct. “lol”

[Anonymous]

Hosting 9 people at our home with 1 oven. The mom of the other family made a show in front of our husbands of offering to help with dinner and could we set a conference call to discuss. I get on the call and she offers to furnish the bottled drinks. I suggest a few other things and she picks dinner rolls and tells me a few things her kids liked that I made last year. So now she is bringing bottled drinks and dinner rolls, and I have turkey stuffing gravy mashed potatoes cranberry sauce salad and green beans. Plus hours d’oeuvres. Plus dessert. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hosting 9 people at our home with 1 oven. The mom of the other family made a show in front of our husbands of offering to help with dinner and could we set a conference call to discuss. I get on the call and she offers to furnish the bottled drinks. I suggest a few other things and she picks dinner rolls and tells me a few things her kids liked that I made last year. So now she is bringing bottled drinks and dinner rolls, and I have turkey stuffing gravy mashed potatoes cranberry sauce salad and green beans. Plus hours d’oeuvres. Plus dessert. Wtf.

Send a text to everyone and say, “Just to confirm, you guys are bringing bottled drinks and dinner rolls. And Jason and I will be taking care of turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, salad, green beans, appetizers and desserts. Did I miss anything?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re close family, not guests. Give them the sheets, tell them you are working, and carry on. No big deal.

This. Ne matter of fact and do what you need to do. No need to seethe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hosting 9 people at our home with 1 oven. The mom of the other family made a show in front of our husbands of offering to help with dinner and could we set a conference call to discuss. I get on the call and she offers to furnish the bottled drinks. I suggest a few other things and she picks dinner rolls and tells me a few things her kids liked that I made last year. So now she is bringing bottled drinks and dinner rolls, and I have turkey stuffing gravy mashed potatoes cranberry sauce salad and green beans. Plus hours d’oeuvres. Plus dessert. Wtf.

Send a text to everyone and say, “Just to confirm, you guys are bringing bottled drinks and dinner rolls. And Jason and I will be taking care of turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, salad, green beans, appetizers and desserts. Did I miss anything?”

Perfection. I’m too much of a weenie to do that but lol.

[Anonymous]

A bit off topic b/c it’s not related to T-giving, but my local MIL decided to stop by one day unannounced. DH and I were out on a walk. We came home to find she had let herself into our house and exclaimed, “I was so worried about you, I didn’t know where you were!” WTAF. And she was NOT elderly so no excuse there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

What’s wrong with your brother that he’s not offering you tea or making you comfortable? Is he a quadriplegic, or what? Why do you expect hospitality from someone with a vagina and not your brother, hmm?

Oh, he does. It’s just that it’s so obvious how she is now “leaving everything to him”, it’s eyeroll worthy.
She then eases up and becomes herself (I.e. does some things when she is around and leaves others to her DH/my brother when it’s convenient for them) but it’s just funny how she tries to be this modern woman who is letting her husband take responsibility for his family by leaving until tea is served lol

That's a weird way of looking at it. Maybe your brother wants to be the host. Why wouldn't he want to do all those things for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea poster reminds me of my MIL. She is healthy and able-bodied. She refuses to accept that DH and I don’t drink coffee, and therefore don’t set it up for her or make it for her. We have a standard drip and ground coffee, plus her preferred creamer on hand. She makes a pot of coffee for herself every day at home, but somehow expects us to make it for her even though we both work full time and have two small kids.

Welcome to our home. You may help yourself to anything in our kitchen. If you want coffee, help yourself. It’s pretty much the least you can do when we have cooked, cleaned, shopped, and are busy taking care of the kids. We provide a huge Thanksgiving meal and then she’s put out that she has to brew her own coffee to go with pie. NO ONE else drinks coffee with dessert—no one. (And we have 6 other adult guests for the Thanksgiving meal.)

I'm a tea drinker. A fairly fussy one, too (I have high standards). I bring my own tea with me when I travel. If someone wants to drink something specific, they should bring it with them, not expect others to have what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

Cheese lady here. Just FYI I always bring something for the hosts. Maybe I should start bringing cheese lol

No bigger tell that someone is a passive-aggressive jackhole than loling at their own comments.

"I'm complaining repeatedly about a situation where I'm in the wrong but I'm merry and adorable!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

What is your hangup about the "modern woman"?? Are you from the 1950s?

p.s. hosting and cooking and serving guests is something both sexes can do. And should do. As a PP said, if I went to visit my brother, I'd expect he would be the one offering me something to drink and eat, not my SIL, whom I adore, but she's not my sibling. He is.