I think I win the Thanksgiving 2023 petty vents already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs just showed up 9 hours early. They were supposed to arrive “a little before dinner time tonight,” so we were thinking around 5 p.m. DH and I are both working from home today, with lots of meetings. We were each going to take care of a few last-minute things around lunch time, like putting sheets on the guest bed and laying out tables. The house is fully cleaned, but we were finishing up laundry and that includes the guest sheets which are currently in the dryer. So rude for them to show up hours early, mumbling about how they were worried about traffic.

We were also planning on each eating some leftovers for lunch. The fridge was fully cleaned yesterday, and we do have extra food for sandwiches and stuff, but we weren’t going to produce a full lunch.

I just took a bagel and coffee upstairs and shut the door. I am not dealing with them until 5 p.m. as planned. I’ll pick up the kids a little early from the child care center (after care center that is open on school breaks) so that they can see the grandparents a little earlier, but not until after my final call, which ends at 3:30. I’m not dealing with them a minute more than I have to. So rude.

My ILs did this a few years back. It was so incredibly inconsiderate. They knocked on the door hours early while I was still in my PJs. My husband very politely asked them to go out and get brunch, and he gave them several local options and told them he'd pay the bill for brunch, but that we simply were not ready for them and could not invite them in right at that moment.
My ILs were furious. Furious. Angry beyond anything you can possibly imagine, and completely out of proportion to our "crime."
They told DH that if it had been MY parents arriving so early, I would have invited them in and fed them breakfast. They still have not gotten over this "snub" as they put it.
Tread carefully, OP. I don't regret it, but my ILs made me pay for MY rudeness by not inviting them into my not-ready house. Oh, and our child was about 18 months old, not dressed, not fed, WTF? But I'm the bad guy!?!?
Does an invitation for XX time mean nothing? We'd invited them for lunch!! 12 noon, not 8 a.m.!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

Hopefully she passed on her recipe to the son she raised so he can do the same.

This is getting ridiculous.
-DP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I need some more information. So they showed up at 8am? How far away do they live that they were worried about traffic?

OP here. They live 2 hours away. So hardly a huge trek. They did not text or call to say they had decided to get moving basically right after they woke up. That still would have been weird, but not as weird as our doorbell ringing right after DH had left to drop the kids off at daycare. A text would have been nice.

I am planning on staying up here, working, getting myself and only myself lunch when I need to, and leaving them to entertain themselves. DH has the office that’s in a more central location, so he can deal with them. My “office” is a corner of our bedroom.

Now that business hours have started, this is my final post about my situation, and I cede the thread to anyone who has a petty vent!

Translation: you’re embarrassed by your own pettiness.

How does it feel that everyone else in the thread is in agreement this is annoying, and you are so totally wrong and doubling down on it?

Because we are sharing opinions and not facts, and there is no wrong opinion.

My opinion is that OP is a big baby.

Your opinion is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws used to do this often when we were just starting out professionally and didn't work from home. They'd start calling around noon and tell us they were waiting on the porch when they knew we had to work until 6 p.m. and they'd been asked not to arrive until after 6 p.m. We were in a townhouse at the time so neighbors would message us as well, and eventually DH would have to leave the office and let them in and start the visit early. I get it. It's rude and annoying.

Oh hell no. I hope this was just because you were young and that you know better now?

You show up six hours early when you know we’re working? Go eat at a restaurant. Go walk around the mall or sit in the park. We’ll see you at 6:00.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

Cheese lady here. Just FYI I always bring something for the hosts. Maybe I should start bringing cheese lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love a petty vent thread!

Me too! But I don't think this is petty. This is a huge imposition and clear failure of communication on the in-laws part. How hard is it to send a text the night before saying "hey we're gonna start driving at 5am and get there earlier than planned".

They didn’t do this because they knew they’d be told no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

…except it sounds like your family is the complete opposite of the pp SIL who not only shows up as a guest expecting to be immediately be catered to but is further annoyed if it’s her brother rather than her SIL who tends to her needs

You are projecting so much it hurts lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t wait until all of your kids grow up and trash you. Seriously, why are you all so petty and mean? Who did what to you? What trauma did you suffer? What has made you so insecure and unsettled?

God, you’re so insufferably dull. Completely wrong and insufferably dull.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can’t wait until all of your kids grow up and trash you. Seriously, why are you all so petty and mean? Who did what to you? What trauma did you suffer? What has made you so insecure and unsettled?

My kids will likely have various complaints about me, but me showing up hours earlier than planned is not something I would ever do. So I am safe from that particular note. What an extraordinarily rude thing to do—indefensibly so. You might have a leg to stand on if they texted or called once they decided to get on the road early, but they did not. Indefensibly rude.

+1. They didn’t call or text because they knew you wouldn’t agree to their change of plans. This way, they get to show up and say “SURPRISE!” They don’t care if you’re busy or inconvenienced. They believe they call the shots.

This, OP.
This is parents regressing into parents of small children when they did call all the shots. Those days are long, long gone, but some parents feel entitled to relive this experience with their children. It's all about control. Yes, it's exceedingly rude, and no, they'd never do this to anyone except their own child.

It's not a "petty vent" OP. It's very dysfunctional behavior, and you are fully entitled to be upset by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.

Cheese lady here. I know people are imagining all sorts of things about me but I am actually not high maintenance. I bring gifts (chocolate or wine and stuff for the kids), I always offer to help, etc.
I thought we had a fairly good relationship with SIL. She just changed all of a sudden and it looked unnatural. She isn’t doing all the hosting, ever. But it all looked like she read this forum or something
It’s hard for me to explain it without sounding demanding and what not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom just left 4 hours early for the airport in an Uber. Airport is 9 miles away.

OK, but it’s a holiday week where the airportswill be crammed with people and the only person she is inconveniencing by that choice is HERSELF. Not remotely in the category of showing up nine hours early to working people’s houses.

“Anxiety” is the 2023 buzzword that is supposed to excuse away all rude behavior. Sorry, no.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

Sorry your brother is a bad host! I've dropped the rope with my in-laws for the most part (I do clean the house, make a grocery list for my husband to pick up so we have plenty of food in the house, and help him think through meal planning for the visit), but I'm sure my in-laws think I am a bad hostess. The reality is I can only care so much so I do help with some of the planning that I care about (clean house and a food plan for the visit).

What makes you think my brother is a bad host?!
There isn’t much hosting required in the first place. It’s not like they are providing a three course meal on arrival and a fully ready guest bedroom lol. But even the bare minimum - bring the sheets and make some tea and maybe slice some cheese? Is now demonstratively left to my brother.
I don’t really care, it’s their family, but it just looks funny and eyeroll worthy

I think it’s weird you think this is a SIL issue instead of assuming that maybe your brother is a useless lump around the house and she got sick of it.

He isn’t. He is a very involved father and from what I can tell they share the burden equally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow these vents make me realize how awesome my ILs are. The one time they arrived in our area early (traffic not as bad as we all thought, making a 6 hr drive only 4 hours) they called us from the Starbucks in our town and said they were early and wanted to get coffee and look at newspapers for a while to rest up from the drive and could they bring us a coffee drink or something when they came to our house later?

And yet a handful of posters here insist that it was impossible for OP’s ILs to be considerate in this way and yet, look, it is indeed possible. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t call before they left or from the road to give you a heads up? Strange.

NP. This is not strange to me because my own mother has done this for decades. It's a game of gotcha, it's how she maintains control. When my father was alive at least he would text me. But now if I try to nail her down, she will say something like "oh I am at mile marker 123" as if I have any idea where that is (so I google, but often she lies).

I hate that she does this. I stopped giving a $hit and she's shown up at my house when we are not home and at my kid's school for my kid's games when they were sick and not there (because she REFUSES to tell us when and if she's coming). You have to drop the rope.

Talk her into sharing her location with you or just share it when you have access to her phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

I have it even better than you—my husband is our family’s baker.

Great! Always a good setup.
But why are you competing with me, remind me?
I was just talking about how I want to be a gracious host…