Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why the hell can’t your sons just eat more whole healthy foods? I find it really messed up that you won’t even consider getting rid of the calorie dense junk. They can just eat more potatoes at dinner. They don’t need the crap either.

Clearly you don't have teen boys. Come back and comment again when you do.

For real. Athletic teen boys easily eat 5000 calories per day.

That's not easy to do on hard boiled eggs and cucumbers (or whatever healthy snack you are imagining).

So what do they eat?

Protein shakes
Full fat yogurt bowls
Pasta with butter and meat sauce
Chicken, like 1/2 a chicken
Potatoes, loaded
Caesar salad, or a chef salad with ranch
Jambalaya sausage
Steak
Egg sandwich with bacon and cheese
Apples with peanut butter
Grilled cheese sandwiches or quesadillas
Bagels with cream cheese
Burritos with rice/cheese/meat/beans

these are meals not snacks

No, they are snacks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of overweight women were clearly triggered by this discussion.

I’m triggered all right by OP and even more by the horrific parents advocating the insurance thing and similar. But I’m not an overweight woman. What I was, many years ago, was a terrified thirteen-year-old who had been violently sexually assaulted, and who, like OPs daughter, gained weight very quickly and dropped out of my athletic activities, and threw myself into schoolwork. What I wouldn’t have given for a compassionate parent who didn’t view my weight gain as her shame, and been embarrassed by me. What I wouldn’t have given for a parent who didn’t assume that I was just making bad choices on purpose.

So yes, I am angry and triggered, because so many of you clearly could not care less about your daughters, unless they embarrass you or god forbid you have to buy new clothes. I feel so sorry for those lonely and victimized little girls.

Stop projecting. OP has done nothing but be compassionate. No one has said that they are embarrassed by their kids. You guys invent all the nonsense. No one is "lonely or victimized". God, the drama!

The problem with all of these shocked and offended PPs is that you are all projecting abuses where there are none. OP has done nothing but express concern for her daughter's health. She has asked what she should do and best way to approach it. She does not have her head in the sand re: obesity. OP has asked about therapy, diets, exercise and other programs. All of this is incredibly sensible and the sign of a concerned mother. If my kid gained 20+ pounds suddenly, I'd be concerned!

More mothers should take an interest in their children's diets and exercise routines. In fact, you'd all do well to model them and have teachable lessons in the home. I wish my parents had shown a modicum of interest in my health in well-being as OP is here. Were you all angry at our former First Lady who made her entire platform about childhood health and combating obesity? Was she fat shaming? No, she was not. She brought obesity to the forefront - a huge issue which this country spends a lot of money on.

I'm Hispanic. My family has a huge problem with obesity, as does most of the community. The way you all are sweeping this under the rug is really infuriating.

I didn’t see any compassion whatsoever in OPs original post. She was worried about having to buy new clothes, how her athlete sons need snacks, and how her daughter’s clothes are too tight (in all caps). No question about what might have triggered such a quick weight gain. No discussion about the daughter’s mental health. No question about what medical conditions might be implicated. You will have to point out the compassion, because I sure don’t see it.

There is a difference between recommend general exercise and healthy eating (Michelle Obama) and a kid who has stopped all athletic activities, is burying herself in school, and gone from a 4 to 12 in a matter of weeks. That is a crisis situation, but OP is mostly worried about buying new clothes, apparently.

Show me this supposed compassion. I don’t see it.

She showed it in her OP. But my guess is you don’t care. You don’t know OP, who she is, her DD, or anything about her outside of a brief descrip on an anon website. There are a ton of details missing. I think you just like rage typing at strangers and being indignant. Now, act like you were forced to come out of the shadows, stop flinging mud, and talk to a real human. Would you still purposefully misquote and make the accusations you are now?

Op has done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of overweight women were clearly triggered by this discussion.

I’m triggered all right by OP and even more by the horrific parents advocating the insurance thing and similar. But I’m not an overweight woman. What I was, many years ago, was a terrified thirteen-year-old who had been violently sexually assaulted, and who, like OPs daughter, gained weight very quickly and dropped out of my athletic activities, and threw myself into schoolwork. What I wouldn’t have given for a compassionate parent who didn’t view my weight gain as her shame, and been embarrassed by me. What I wouldn’t have given for a parent who didn’t assume that I was just making bad choices on purpose.

So yes, I am angry and triggered, because so many of you clearly could not care less about your daughters, unless they embarrass you or god forbid you have to buy new clothes. I feel so sorry for those lonely and victimized little girls.

Stop projecting. OP has done nothing but be compassionate. No one has said that they are embarrassed by their kids. You guys invent all the nonsense. No one is "lonely or victimized". God, the drama!

The problem with all of these shocked and offended PPs is that you are all projecting abuses where there are none. OP has done nothing but express concern for her daughter's health. She has asked what she should do and best way to approach it. She does not have her head in the sand re: obesity. OP has asked about therapy, diets, exercise and other programs. All of this is incredibly sensible and the sign of a concerned mother. If my kid gained 20+ pounds suddenly, I'd be concerned!

More mothers should take an interest in their children's diets and exercise routines. In fact, you'd all do well to model them and have teachable lessons in the home. I wish my parents had shown a modicum of interest in my health in well-being as OP is here. Were you all angry at our former First Lady who made her entire platform about childhood health and combating obesity? Was she fat shaming? No, she was not. She brought obesity to the forefront - a huge issue which this country spends a lot of money on.

I'm Hispanic. My family has a huge problem with obesity, as does most of the community. The way you all are sweeping this under the rug is really infuriating.

I didn’t see any compassion whatsoever in OPs original post. She was worried about having to buy new clothes, how her athlete sons need snacks, and how her daughter’s clothes are too tight (in all caps). No question about what might have triggered such a quick weight gain. No discussion about the daughter’s mental health. No question about what medical conditions might be implicated. You will have to point out the compassion, because I sure don’t see it.

There is a difference between recommend general exercise and healthy eating (Michelle Obama) and a kid who has stopped all athletic activities, is burying herself in school, and gone from a 4 to 12 in a matter of weeks. That is a crisis situation, but OP is mostly worried about buying new clothes, apparently.

Show me this supposed compassion. I don’t see it.

She showed it in her OP. But my guess is you don’t care. You don’t know OP, who she is, her DD, or anything about her outside of a brief descrip on an anon website. There are a ton of details missing. I think you just like rage typing at strangers and being indignant. Now, act like you were forced to come out of the shadows, stop flinging mud, and talk to a real human. Would you still purposefully misquote and make the accusations you are now?

Op has done nothing wrong.

Where, exactly, in the OP did OP show any compassion for her daughter whatsoever? Please identify the exact quote.

Because I think you are making that up wholesale, so you can be nasty yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

wow, so important. My DH is endocrinologist and I didn't know this! (I'm sure he does) I sympathize, OP. I have always been super thin, and my DD started gaining weight around age 15 also (when she first got her period, now that I think of it) I can't say a thing to her, ever about weight. She is athletic, and yes, alot of it is muscle. But some of it appears to be overeating, which most (?) of America does very well. I won't say any more, because the discussion here seems to slam on those of us who think its not great to be overweight

does your DH treat teens or know a pediatric endocrinologist with a waiting list under a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Since you've gained weight faster than expected in the last year, I made an appointment with the doctor. Sometimes rapid weight gain can be a sign that something is up with the body, especially with hormones, so we need to get some blood tests done and have you talk to the doctor. If you've noticed any other changes in how you're feeling, like you're hungrier, more tired, any changes in your period, hair loss or growth, make sure you let the doctor know."

Then let the doctor talk to her.

The above is good advice. I hope it's not overlooked in the craziness of this thread. OP's daughter has gained weight rather rapidly and has dropped activites and there could be underlying medical issues. Yes, she may hate hearing this and be mad - but you'll get through it. Make an appointment and go from there.

ohhh except we did this and they were like do a family Zumba class (active family).

waiting for pediatric endocrinologist appt until pediatricians actually start following AAP guidelines https://downloads.aap.org/AAP/PDF/Obesity/CPG-Obesity%20Algorithm%2011.17.pdf

[Anonymous]

you know eventually you will say something to her. It’s bound to happen. Something innocuous like “are you sure you want that second serving” or “a loser cut of shirt will look even better “ or we all need to eat less”. She will know that it’s a dig at her but will not react. Not seeing her reaction, you will be emboldened to say something more direct. It will affect her for the rest of her life. My mom went from “love your cute round face” to “no one will ever love you at this weight”. Maybe I am projecting here, but I am sure that she knows how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Consider having your daughter apply for an amount of life insurance that requires a physical. Once she is denied/rejected for coverage or only offered coverage at an extremely premium (rating), she may understand the need to seek medical help.

OP: You are 100% right to be concerned. This is both a mental health issue and an issue of physical health. Having a heart attack at a young age is unnecessary & preventable.

This is one of the cruelest things I’ve ever read. This is manipulative emotional abuse. Don’t do this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about it for health reasons, and because pretty, skinny people have it easier in life, but not because I have to keep buying pants.

Wow, pretty skinny people have it easier in life
Let me put that on a t shirt

What the #$%^&*()_+ is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Many of you seem in total denial that being overweight is really bad for you and losing weight is just about impossible. Therefore it is a parent’s responsibility to help their children reach adulthood at a healthy weight. We avoid lead and cigarette smoke, help them get activity and learn about nutritious foods. Of course the OP wants to help but the current culture has gone crazy.

OP—I don’t think there are any magic answers. Here are some ideas. Can you ask her how she’s doing and feeling? I do think it’s ok to mention that healthy bodies do better at recommended sizes. It’s even possible that a tiny bit of feeling bad about her size might help her. It did help me. I gained about 20 lbs in high school and my mom called me fat once. I was horrified, thought she was a terrible person, but then read a bunch of nutrition information and lost it in about a year. I’ve never been overweight nor had any kind of eating disorder. Now I don’t think my mom handled it great but I think if you approach it with love and compassion the way you would with anything big and important and difficult, maybe you can help her. Giving up is not the answer. Her brain is not fully developed. She needs your help. Start spending time with her, find out how she’s doing in school, how are her friends. Can you guys walk together? And chat? I have no faith in healthcare providers and the most likely reason for the weight gain is that she’s eating too much. So find out what. And if she’s not, then the doctor is the next step.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s that people are in denial about the dangers of being overweight. It’s that people know—often from experience—that commenting on it can have devastating, long-reaching consequences on a child’s eating habits and self-perception: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stop-commenting-about-your-childs-weight_n_57642cf7e4b015db1bc929a5

OP should absolutely have her daughter see the pediatrician, do a work up, and tune in with her daughter’s mental health and emotional state. She can initiate outings and activities with physical activity. But saying something very often brings with it judgment and shame and therefore backfires, triggering restriction or overeating and a generally tense, unhealthy relationship with food that can be lifelong.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't waded through 14 pages of responses, but with my kids, a physical activity is a must. For health, both physical and mental. Physical activity is a great way to blow off steam, take a break from studies, screens, etc.

I'd tell her she has to pick something, for her soccer off-season. She may not be able to make that school team if her physical abilities decline. And with the heavy course load she's taking, she needs an outlet. If you're near a YMCA, take her there to visit and see if she wants to work out there, take a class. Or another gym. Rec Dept fitness classes. Work one on one with a trainer. Phrase it all in terms of physical health, nothing about appearance.

She may not drop a pound, but she'll be working on keeping her body strong.

[Anonymous]

I hereby nominate Insurance Mom to the DCUM’s Worst Parenting Advice Hall of Fame. I also nominate Won’t Buy Daughter New Pants Because Overeating Has Consequences Mom to an Honorable Mention.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a couple of things should happen. Just IMO. I get why you're concerned and those posters who claim you're wrong for being concerned around just fooling themselves.

1. Mandate some sort of physical exercise year round in a structured setting. This has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with mental health. It's important for kids and for adults to always get some form of exercise for reasons completely unrelated to weight.

2. See if you can (carefully) get her tested for PCOS or similar just to rule them out.

3. Do get some therapy. This isn't snarky. You will have to work on acceptance and also how to better support your DD. It's tough and she' going to need support and understanding. Ultimately, we can't make people be different than who they are even if we know who they are is a tough road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

wow, so important. My DH is endocrinologist and I didn't know this! (I'm sure he does) I sympathize, OP. I have always been super thin, and my DD started gaining weight around age 15 also (when she first got her period, now that I think of it) I can't say a thing to her, ever about weight. She is athletic, and yes, alot of it is muscle. But some of it appears to be overeating, which most (?) of America does very well. I won't say any more, because the discussion here seems to slam on those of us who think its not great to be overweight

does your DH treat teens or know a pediatric endocrinologist with a waiting list under a year?

Try Pediatric Specialists of VA (PSV). We got in quickly and easily. But I admit that it is possible that they "triage" and schedule appointments for things like diabetes and other serious metabolic disorders ahead of general concerns about childhood weight issues. I am not sure. Keep in mind that any general family care doc or pediatrician can order all the blood tests needed to determine if there is an underlying endocrine issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why the hell can’t your sons just eat more whole healthy foods? I find it really messed up that you won’t even consider getting rid of the calorie dense junk. They can just eat more potatoes at dinner. They don’t need the crap either.

Clearly you don't have teen boys. Come back and comment again when you do.

For real. Athletic teen boys easily eat 5000 calories per day.

That's not easy to do on hard boiled eggs and cucumbers (or whatever healthy snack you are imagining).

If only there were things like protein and healthy carbs for weight gain, and you didn’t need to do it by shoveling in garbage. Oh wait! Good news! There are!

Look, this is hair spilling. OP’s daughter isn’t overweight because of the food OP’s buys. OP’s daughter is overweight because she overeats. She likely is a compulsive overeater and/or uses food as comfort. OP’s daughter would overeat no matter what is in the house, plus buy actually junk food outside of the house. Blaming OP for this because she keeps bags of pretzels and granola bars or whatever is foolish.

This is a health issue and I do think you need to gently address it with her OP. This doesn’t need to be shaming. I’m sure she doesn’t want to be gaining all this weight either. She probably doesn’t realize how to stop it. Start with a dr appt to check hormones, thyroid, etc. Then a dietitian that specializes in teens. Possibly a therapist is she seems incapable of implementing the dietitian’s plan. While you can’t control her body or weight, burying your head in the sand and pretending you don’t notice; for fear you will hurt feelings or give her an eating disorder is wrong too. She needs you to help her gain the knowledge and tools to get this curbed.