Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home, mostly, for the first three years of our daughter’s life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When we made that decision, my DH put me in charge of the family budget. I used Mint to track every expense and we discussed our family budget once a month. That control was important to me and I saw quickly when we were overspending. When DD started preschool, I worked part time for many years and gradually increased my hours as she got older. I went back to FT when she entered HS. I suggest that you let DD control the finances and you meet regularly to discuss. If she is a reasonable adult, she will see what discretionary expenses must go on just your income. In our case, DH made $120k and I made $60k when I stayed home and that was 15 years ago. We could not have afforded any of the things on your wife’s list on his income alone. But if he’d told me that, I’d would have felt like a child. Empower your wife and let her be a grown up. Never, ever, put a SAHM on a budget that you control, or suggest she cut her expenses without looking carefully at yours. If you truly value her staying home, treat her like a partner.

PP here and I didn’t mean to sound so preachy. I know in my case, I would have felt very uncomfortable in the power dynamic you are describing so I may be feeling a bit triggered. And it wasn’t accurate that DH put me in control. I took control of the finances - he made the money but was terrible at managing it, paying bills, filing taxes, etc. And I always felt like I had my hand out. But taking control was good for me too. SAHPs are in a vulnerable situation for lots of reasons, and the nuances of language and outlook are important (budget versus allowance, discretionary spending versus luxury items). Talking about money openly and without judgment is critical to a healthy stay at home situation, in my humble experience. Good luck to you and your wife. Neither my husband nor I have regretted our decision, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

Nonsense. I hated taking care of small kids and had a FT nanny even during my maternity leave. I'm from a culture in which only the poor take care of their kids, and this is the case for almost all affluent families all over the world. If you are educated and smart, you have a job. You work for a cool non-profit, you do international development work, consulting, strategy, sit on boards, raise money. Thai Lee, Jane Goldman, Amy Goldman Fowler etc. work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

You’re assuming most people work for material security. Many successful WOHMs I know do it because of the intrinsic satisfaction of a career. To be highly educated, to use your skills to contribute to society — those are things that enhance your life in a way that money can’t. When I read posts on here about how great it is to go to the country club during the day and have hobbies I feel a little sad. There’s nothing wrong with those things, they just aren’t equivalent to having the opportunity to develop your talents and enrich yourself in ways that give you another level of satisfaction.

Men who are already rich work to develop themselves, to challenge themselves, to be part of a world with others who are doing the same. There’s something intrinsically satisfying about being intellectually challenged and having the opportunity to connect with people to work towards a common aim. Those are things that — depending on the kind of work you’re talking about — you can only get through a career. I personally love my field and don’t choose to have a career for the money alone.

I disagree. Almost everyone is working for a paycheck. If their employers stopped paying them, the wouldn’t keep showing up at work. Kind of like what happened at Lehman brothers.

PP on the SAHM/WOHM was not talking about everyone. We’re talking about comparing the elite 1% of women in each category. I guarantee you that those women don’t work for money. They work for the joy of exercising their talents and making a difference at what they do. Just like men. And just like men, they feel like they can be parents who work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

All the more reason to cut out the meal kits then. Lunch can be leftovers or meal prep something for the week. When the baby gets more mobile the days of having a nice long time to prep lunch is going to be over anyway.

Anyway I'm fairly agnostic to the whole WoHM/SAHM debate that comes up every time this happens on dcom and I don't really know why anyone wants to bother arguing it's not going to change any hearts and minds it's just people arguing about their own lives and defending their lives to a bunch of strangers. My career in child care decisions are my own I don't need to defend them to anyone

If both of you are on board with with her staying home with your kid that is great and works for you I think the important thing is that you need to both get on the same page about a budget so that you can have an emergency fund and continue putting money away for future savings goals (house, travel etc) as well as retirement. Cosmetic procedures and overpriced meal kits are low hanging fruit but ultimately you guys decide together what is necessary for your health happiness and sanity and what is not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

So has subscriptions to several meal services and she isn't even the one cooking them? You do the cooking, so just cut the meal subscriptions. You have a chill baby, there is zero reason she can't figure out lunch and snacks for herself while home. She can eat leftovers from whatever you cook, or you know..make a sandwich, an omelette, a simple salad. Surely she can manage that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

NP here and true. These are the kids who have developmental issues. Biologically, small kids are needy for survival purposes, otherwise they starved or got killed by wild animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

NP here and true. These are the kids who have developmental issues. Biologically, small kids are needy for survival purposes, otherwise they starved or got killed by wild animals.

What? Only babies with developmental issues sleep well? That’s a pretty ridiculous statement.

My own kid was pretty much as OP describes theirs, very chill and interested in everything around them, an excellent sleeper as a baby, and was almost never fussy without a clear reason. Zero developmental issues, now a perfectly healthy 15yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

NP here and true. These are the kids who have developmental issues. Biologically, small kids are needy for survival purposes, otherwise they starved or got killed by wild animals.

What does this have to do with anything? OP said he kid sleeps well and I’m positive he would know otherwise. Plenty of babies sleep well and are good mappers by 2 months (and plenty aren’t, but whose to dispute that OP says his sleeps well)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

All the more reason to cut out the meal kits then. Lunch can be leftovers or meal prep something for the week. When the baby gets more mobile the days of having a nice long time to prep lunch is going to be over anyway.

Anyway I'm fairly agnostic to the whole WoHM/SAHM debate that comes up every time this happens on dcom and I don't really know why anyone wants to bother arguing it's not going to change any hearts and minds it's just people arguing about their own lives and defending their lives to a bunch of strangers. My career in child care decisions are my own I don't need to defend them to anyone

If both of you are on board with with her staying home with your kid that is great and works for you I think the important thing is that you need to both get on the same page about a budget so that you can have an emergency fund and continue putting money away for future savings goals (house, travel etc) as well as retirement. Cosmetic procedures and overpriced meal kits are low hanging fruit but ultimately you guys decide together what is necessary for your health happiness and sanity and what is not

In addition to being on the same page about money, please also consider your ability to adapt to unexpected changes, for example, a more difficult and needy baby, a kid with learning issues, etc., the loss of your job, the inability to afford a house you want in the neighborhood you want, etc. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

OP here. He does sleep well. He is mostly sleeping through the night ( 8 hours with one feeding) and naps 3 long naps for 1.5- 3 hours each and a quick 30 minute nap before bed. He’s already on a routine. He’s pretty low maintenance because we have a bassinet that does all the rocking for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

As a former SAHM, I think this is a bunch of whiny nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

I agree but I think if you want to cancel some or all of those services you would need to take the lead on grocery shopping and meal prepping. I've definitely relied on meal kits when I'm too busy to meal plan, it's more about the mental load/planning time needed. Maybe keep one service so you are only prepping 4 dinners q week and then the kit covers the other 3

Please. A SAHM of one baby doesn’t need a meal service. She isn’t too busy to put together something simple for herself and DH.

I mean... if you lucked out with easy babies that's great but when your baby is colicky screaming most of the day, only held for naps, and waking every hour or two overnight for months it's a different story. I had one of each and yes it's a walk in the park with an easy baby. A complete nightmare with the other, I would've been lucky to even manage to put together a Hello Fresh meal.

OP here. Our baby is an a great, chill kid. He naps on his own and naps for a long time for each nap and he already most sleeps through the night. He isn’t much of a crier unless he is hungry or tired and those are both easily fixed.

I’m the main cook of the family anyway. My wife hates cooking and I usually do it most days unless I work really late. She likes some of the meal kits because she eats them for lunch or a snack and she doesn’t have to cook anything.

Sure! No newborn/infant naps well or sleeps through the night. You don’t know because your wife does all the work.

OP here. He does sleep well. He is mostly sleeping through the night ( 8 hours with one feeding) and naps 3 long naps for 1.5- 3 hours each and a quick 30 minute nap before bed. He’s already on a routine. He’s pretty low maintenance because we have a bassinet that does all the rocking for us.

Awesome. Your wife should have no issues cooking and doing chores around the house while she stays home then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

As a former SAHM, I think this is a bunch of whiny nonsense.

High status SAHM > WOHM > Low status SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your wife to stay at home. She sounds like she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses. You need to suck it up and find a good daycare center. You cannot afford a nanny on your salaries in this area. I would put off having a second until you can agree on how to raise the one you already have. Good luck.

This. Her spending (on wants, not needs) is already ridiculous, but at least the $100K she’s bringing in helps to offset that. Without working? No way.

100% agree. She is in no way living a 100K life style in DC. Her lifestyle includes your joint paychecks. When you drop her 100K and add an additional human plus all of the ways more money will be spent while home, plus another potential kid soon, dear Husband, dropping a few of those expenses is an understatement. Your income for a family of 3 and maybe 4 in this area does not allow for monthly expensive hair, nails, food service, college saving accounts, vacations. And forget saving for a house.

As another poster said, she sounds high maintenance so fancy kids clothes (babies need a whole new wardrobe every 3 months) fancy strollers, membership to this museum and the zoo etc etc.

I am a sole working Mom of one (with your similar salary), OP and definitely could not add the expenses that you mentioned, plus another adult and maintaining my savings, investing, college funding, vacation funding at my current level.

Good Luck, I support your position!