Fiancé won’t put me on the title of our new house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op , it only seems fair that your “fiancé” should leave one house to his older (adult) kids and one to you and the younger child you share (or to younger child with your right to live in it). But given that he’s not married you and hasn’t put you in either house this may not be easy.

Get thee to a lawyer and figure out your options.

Does he have a will? Do you get support for your older kids?

She has no job so it doesn't matter who he "leaves the other house to". If there's a mortgage on it, he's leaving it to the bank since OP has no income with which to pay the mortgage.

Typically a non-scummy man will arrange it so the mother of his minor child inherits the house and will maintain life insurance to cover the mortgage if something happens.

Did someone force her to procreate with him?

Did someone force her to stay with a non-marrying man for 7 years?

Did someone force her to not work?

Right sounds like some real non-scummy reasoning there! “Ok lady you’re having my baby, you can stay in my house and take care of if for room and board, but don’t expect anything else because my older kids are my priority.”

That… sounds totally non scummy to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op , it only seems fair that your “fiancé” should leave one house to his older (adult) kids and one to you and the younger child you share (or to younger child with your right to live in it). But given that he’s not married you and hasn’t put you in either house this may not be easy.

Get thee to a lawyer and figure out your options.

Does he have a will? Do you get support for your older kids?

She has no job so it doesn't matter who he "leaves the other house to". If there's a mortgage on it, he's leaving it to the bank since OP has no income with which to pay the mortgage.

Typically a non-scummy man will arrange it so the mother of his minor child inherits the house and will maintain life insurance to cover the mortgage if something happens.

Did someone force her to procreate with him?

Did someone force her to stay with a non-marrying man for 7 years?

Did someone force her to not work?

Right sounds like some real non-scummy reasoning there! “Ok lady you’re having my baby, you can stay in my house and take care of if for room and board, but don’t expect anything else because my older kids are my priority.”

That… sounds totally non scummy to me

Probably because you’re scummy.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don’t you go back to work? Your child is in school all day now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé of many years is buying a house (second home). He refuses to put me on the title and says it’s because I can’t pay the mortgage (I’m a stay at home mom and work part time). I’m not on the title of the house we reside in currently either. I guess if something happens to him, his older kids (he was married once before) will inherit the houses and I’ll be left with nothing. What happens in this situation? I am almost 50 and he’s five years older. I’m not money hungry but am very concerned that I won’t have a place to live with my kids (one of which is his) if something happens to him.

What happens is you get a job and start saving 100% of what you're making while someone else pays 100% of room and board. Split the childcare bill, figure out everything else. Ride the free room and board train for as long as it goes, and then split when you have a cushion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don’t you go back to work? Your child is in school all day now.

Lol. I'm a SAHM mom and used to get this all the time. Then during the pandemic I had to reassure the working moms who were accused of just wanting their" free child care" back that you just had to ignore this stuff. Not helpful. People make different life choices and you can find plenty of examples of successes and failures on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don’t you go back to work? Your child is in school all day now.

Lol. I'm a SAHM mom and used to get this all the time. Then during the pandemic I had to reassure the working moms who were accused of just wanting their" free child care" back that you just had to ignore this stuff. Not helpful. People make different life choices and you can find plenty of examples of successes and failures on both sides.

Also she's working part time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don’t you go back to work? Your child is in school all day now.

Lol. I'm a SAHM mom and used to get this all the time. Then during the pandemic I had to reassure the working moms who were accused of just wanting their" free child care" back that you just had to ignore this stuff. Not helpful. People make different life choices and you can find plenty of examples of successes and failures on both sides.

Yes but you aren't posting here complaining and OP is.

[Anonymous]

I find it really strange that people always tell married women to "take him to the cleaners" if a husband is cheating or less than perfect spouse but in this situation, because she is not married, she deserves nothing? I dont get it. They are in a relationship, with a child, but he treats them as if they dont matter, as if their well being means nothing to him and that, I think, is very sad. How sad it would be to live with someone with whom have had a child and yet know they truly dont care about you and treat you and the child as second class, not worthy of any of the protections given to the first set of kids.

OP is naive for calling her boyfriend 'fiance' after all these years and yes, it signals that he does not consider her as a spouse and has no care or consideration for her well being in the future. What's really sad is that they have a young child together for whom he, presumably, also has not made arrangements for, even though he is wealthy enough to own two homes and his older kids are already well into adulthood. Many of you argue that because she is only working "part time" she is not "worthy" of financial protection; but extend this to married SAHM and I don't see the same arguments. Whether it was a good idea or not, OP had a child with this man; they live together and she presumably contributes some part of her income and time to their shared household. We do not know of any other arrangements. We also know that in lieu of child support she lives in *his* home, but again, she has no right to stay in it. Given their ages, anything could happen..he could drop dead, but so could she. The biggest issue I see here is that OP and her boyfriend have not had any hard discussions about the future. If she dies tomorrow, will he provide for their shared child? who gets custody? What's the arrangement with her older kids who live in the home (part time? full time)? Why are they not married--did he once say he would get married but has put it off ? What about retirement and health insurance? This whole situation would make me very unsettled.

OP, its time for some hard conversations and hard truths. You need to discuss with him what happens if/when one of you passes away or...decides to separate (either one can happen). Key questions: what financial support have either of you put in place for your shared child? has he made a will? have yoou? Will he leave one of the homes, or part of the estate, to your shared child? Are you on his health insurance and what happens if he dies? Does he get retirement benefits and do they pass to you? Is he saving for college for your shared kid? Why wont he consider a situation where you have the right to stay in the home until you pass away, even if you do not retain ownership of it? I suggest you see a lawyer first, on your own, to understand your situation and options.

Secondly, you need to start making plans for yourself and your kids. Are you saving for retirement? Can you get health insurance if you dont' have it? Its probably time to ramp up to full time work and save as much as possible toward your retirement and future expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op , it only seems fair that your “fiancé” should leave one house to his older (adult) kids and one to you and the younger child you share (or to younger child with your right to live in it). But given that he’s not married you and hasn’t put you in either house this may not be easy.

Get thee to a lawyer and figure out your options.

Does he have a will? Do you get support for your older kids?

She has no job so it doesn't matter who he "leaves the other house to". If there's a mortgage on it, he's leaving it to the bank since OP has no income with which to pay the mortgage.

Typically a non-scummy man will arrange it so the mother of his minor child inherits the house and will maintain life insurance to cover the mortgage if something happens.

Did someone force her to procreate with him?

Did someone force her to stay with a non-marrying man for 7 years?

Did someone force her to not work?

Right sounds like some real non-scummy reasoning there! “Ok lady you’re having my baby, you can stay in my house and take care of if for room and board, but don’t expect anything else because my older kids are my priority.”

Lol. 2nd wife/husband will never come before the kids. I thought everyone knew that. Apparently not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op , it only seems fair that your “fiancé” should leave one house to his older (adult) kids and one to you and the younger child you share (or to younger child with your right to live in it). But given that he’s not married you and hasn’t put you in either house this may not be easy.

Get thee to a lawyer and figure out your options.

Does he have a will? Do you get support for your older kids?

She has no job so it doesn't matter who he "leaves the other house to". If there's a mortgage on it, he's leaving it to the bank since OP has no income with which to pay the mortgage.

Typically a non-scummy man will arrange it so the mother of his minor child inherits the house and will maintain life insurance to cover the mortgage if something happens.

Did someone force her to procreate with him?

Did someone force her to stay with a non-marrying man for 7 years?

Did someone force her to not work?

Right sounds like some real non-scummy reasoning there! “Ok lady you’re having my baby, you can stay in my house and take care of if for room and board, but don’t expect anything else because my older kids are my priority.”

Would you be willing to give your assets to a boyfriend? I didn't think so. A fiance is just an official boyfriend or girlfriend. Not a spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé of many years is buying a house (second home). He refuses to put me on the title and says it’s because I can’t pay the mortgage (I’m a stay at home mom and work part time). I’m not on the title of the house we reside in currently either. I guess if something happens to him, his older kids (he was married once before) will inherit the houses and I’ll be left with nothing. What happens in this situation? I am almost 50 and he’s five years older. I’m not money hungry but am very concerned that I won’t have a place to live with my kids (one of which is his) if something happens to him.

First four words are a major red flag. Who is engaged for many years?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Then he can reimburse her for 7 years of FT childcare, housekeeping, and other errands at the market rate, as well as what a surrogate would have cost. Don’t forget her forgone social security contributions. My guess is that all adds up to about half the home equity.

I could never understand this "market rate" business. First, as a matter of math, whatever housework and childcare she's doing, only half of that is for the sake of the husband because the rest is for her. In this case, the ratio goes even worse for her because her children (who are not the fiance's) are in the picture, and whatever she does for them, he has nothing to do with. And finally, you can never compare the housework and childcare at your own house with the market-rate service because the market-rate service provider does not stay around to enjoy the fruits of their labor. A housekeeper cleans and leaves. She doesn't get to enjoy the clean house. The chef cooks and leaves. He doesn't enjoy the food he made. So please don't compare what you do with a full-rate service provider.

Are you, or have you ever been, a stay at home parent handling both child care etc. and home care? I mean, really handling all aspects of it? Even when the kids are in school during the day?

Because there is much more to it than you picture. You are picturing a basic cook, cleaner and nanny. Those employees arrive, do those jobs, and leave.

A SAH parent often does vastly more than that, from all the household shopping (food, clothing, school supplies, gifts etc.) to booking and taking kids on doctor/dentist visits, sick child doctor visits, dealing with teachers, school administrative tasks (which can be considerable at certain times of year with multiple kids of varying ages), researching/booking/supervising everything from plumbers or electricians to any other service person you can imagine, getting the car (sometimes more than one car) maintained, serviced and repaired....This list goes on and varies greatly by family. And a lot of these parents also volunteer at school, or are involved in other volunteering that your kid benefits from, like scouting or church groups etc. Again. Your kid benefits from these parents' choices.

But your simplistic calculations about how "the rest is for her" as if the mom is cleaning up the house like a housecleaner would, then kicking back on the sofa and "enjoying the fruits of [her] labor" and, what, having a glass of wine and bonbons? -- what a crock. She's moving on to get the car inspected, tell the middle schoolers to rake the yard, drive another kid to a practice or lesson, pick up music at the music store before the lesson, and sign up to volunteer at a school event.

But sure, keep thinking her labor is worth less. And worthless.

It's people who think like you who make the work of SAH parents (moms or dads) devalued. And I do not mean monetarily devalued. I mean looked down on as somehow lazy. What complete and utter crap.

I'm a single mom who works full time and does all of that, GTFO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé of many years is buying a house (second home). He refuses to put me on the title and says it’s because I can’t pay the mortgage (I’m a stay at home mom and work part time). I’m not on the title of the house we reside in currently either. I guess if something happens to him, his older kids (he was married once before) will inherit the houses and I’ll be left with nothing. What happens in this situation? I am almost 50 and he’s five years older. I’m not money hungry but am very concerned that I won’t have a place to live with my kids (one of which is his) if something happens to him.

You elect the marital portion if he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé of many years is buying a house (second home). He refuses to put me on the title and says it’s because I can’t pay the mortgage (I’m a stay at home mom and work part time). I’m not on the title of the house we reside in currently either. I guess if something happens to him, his older kids (he was married once before) will inherit the houses and I’ll be left with nothing. What happens in this situation? I am almost 50 and he’s five years older. I’m not money hungry but am very concerned that I won’t have a place to live with my kids (one of which is his) if something happens to him.

You elect the marital portion if he dies.

They are not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé of many years is buying a house (second home). He refuses to put me on the title and says it’s because I can’t pay the mortgage (I’m a stay at home mom and work part time). I’m not on the title of the house we reside in currently either. I guess if something happens to him, his older kids (he was married once before) will inherit the houses and I’ll be left with nothing. What happens in this situation? I am almost 50 and he’s five years older. I’m not money hungry but am very concerned that I won’t have a place to live with my kids (one of which is his) if something happens to him.

You elect the marital portion if he dies.

They are not married.

I assumed PP was talking about down the road. Most fiances turn into spouses