How much/often do you communicate with your college kids?
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Anonymous
| I'm really missing our first who started college 2 weeks ago. I'm resisting the urge to call or text but wonder what amount of calling/texting is typical? And do you get involved at all regarding specific assignments (like, did you get that lab report done?) or are homework questions totally off limits? I know answers vary, but looking for some sage advice. |
Anonymous
I don't have a college age student, but will soon....14 now. My thought is that you really shouldn't be checking in on specific assignments unless DC previously described them... My parents didn't really do this, but others did more - they would come visit and take DC and roommates to dinner. Seemed to be hugely popular. Not sure how close you are, but that is a nice idea, especially if you are willing to accommodate whatever their timeframe is. I would call and text, but not obsessively or with the insistence of a return call - just leave a message or a text that you are thinking of them, love them and hope they are doing great. I know it will be appreciated! |
Anonymous
| Why would you check up on assignments? They are adults. Would you call them and check up on their work assignments? |
Anonymous
Yikes. Be nice. It actually is more like "how's that work assignment going?" I haven't been involved in his homework since the 3rd grade, I won't get involved now. Really, I'm looking to hear from moms about how to keep in touch in the right amount. Looking for what works for you and your college freshman (particularly boys who don't always have a lot to say). |
Anonymous
We text throughout the week...maybe 2-3 times a day (mostly initiated by her)...and Skype on Sundays. Aside from general questions like "How do you like the classes and/or professors?" or "How is it going with the workload?"....we do not ask questions about specific assignments. |
Anonymous
| when i was in college, and this was waaaaay before texting/skype, maybe when email was first invented, i called mom/dad once a week on the weekends. this was enough. they never asked about my assignments b/c they never got involved even in hs, and really, you won't be able to help them with schoolwork anymore and you really walk a fine line between checking and nagging. i say give your kids space, and talk about how much contact they would like and negotiate something in advance. |
Anonymous
Well that makes me feel a little better (and a little worse). I send a text a day or every other day. But DS is not a great communicator. When he was in HS he'd really open up only at odd times (and certainly times of his choosing). So the texting is very stiff. I guess my trouble is that I can't get a good read on him. I completely understand the he needs space, has to find out things for himself, etc., etc. but I also haven't reached a comfort level yet that he's settling in as he should be. And btw, I went to college, too. Knowing how parents/college kids communicated back then really has little bearing on today's communication. |
Anonymous
Our two oldest are in college. The oldest will graduate this year! His brother is a college freshman. We talk to the boys about once or twice a week. They'll call more often when they need money. I don't get involved at all with their coursework. I know what they are taking, but I don't know their schedules. I have no idea what days/times they are in class. We fly them home for Christmas and Thanksgiving. And they are usually home for a couple of weeks during the summer. I think many parents are a little too involved in their college aged kids' lives. This is the time to encourage them to grow up and develop independence. They are busy with school work, part-time jobs, friends, and girlfriends. They don't need mama to call or text every day. You're doing the right thing by resisting that urge. I know it's hard. But he'll call you if he needs you. Otherwise, calling once or twice a week is enough to let him know you are thinking about him while at the same time giving him his space. |
Anonymous
Honestly, our texts are very light and tend to focus on more mundane stuff like you would communicate to a friend ("How did the dog do at the vet?" type stuff). Given her personality, we knew going in that the information flow was going to be sporadic at best. We made our peace with that before she left. We are very careful not to get into school stuff because that causes the shutdown. We kind of take the position that she will figure most things out and, if not, she will call if there is a crisis. The Skype calls tend to be short and light also. It is just an opportunity for us all to lay eyes on each other for a minute or two. Your last statement is very true. It is funny, because I still communicate with her much more than I did with my folks when I was in college....and my mom never hesitates to point that out when I fuss about DD. LOL!! Back then, it was a sort call on Sunday evenings. |
Anonymous
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I graduated from college 3 years ago, so when texting, emailing, skype etc was popular. 2 things dictate how much is too much when staying in touch. 1. What is your relationship like now? I was always close to my parents so checking in via text or email every other day was perfectly normal. We had a designated call day on Sunday, but I often called throughout the week. 2. How close is your DC from you? I was half way across the country so only saw them a handful of times during the school year. My brother went to school 45 min away from them so he saw them more often and did not communicate over the phone/internet as much as I did.
As for the homework...if your DC brings up a specific piece of homework, it's fine to ask follow up questions. But DO NOT ask if it is done yet etc etc. It will be eye roll city and the exasperated..."Mom". But it is totally normal to ask how the work load is, if they have any interesting homework etc. Honestly if you guys are close now, I dont' think they'll think you're overbearing (unless you text EVERY DAY, or freak out if you can't get a hold of them) then it should be fine. |
Anonymous
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I suppose you would have mentioned this if it had been the case but are you friends on Facebook, OP? And do you follow your kid on Twitter? That's one way to keep in touch with what is going on with your kid without being too intrusive.
I think a little "light" texting is okay but I would most definitely not get involved in my kid's homework. This is a big transition stage for our young people and they have to learn how to handle themselves (mistakes and all) on their own. Not that we aren't going to be there for them if they need someone to listen to them vent occasionally but it's their job to figure out how to handle things like homework on their own. I say this as a mom and a former prof who occasionally got phone calls from worried parents. As a parent I totally get the worry. It's so hard to let our kids handle more and more of their own lives without our involvement. How will they make it without us? (and I am only half joking when I say that!) But as a prof I could see how too much involvement from the parents made it more difficult for the children to grow up. But, I know OP that you aren't asking whether to be a helicopter parent, you're just asking how much to communicate. I'm for regular brief communication but I would stay out of the homework issues. |
Anonymous
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I purposely have not friended him on fb, just so he could feel free to be more relaxed to chat with friends as kids that age do (not all of it meant for the parent set, I don't think). I really shouldn't have said "homework." I haven't seen his homework or asked about it since the 3rd grade, really. And to my knowledge he's done all his homework since that time. (And till HS graduation I spoke to a total of 3 teachers of his on the phone -- one was a K teacher and that's because we didn't have email then.) I mentioned the lab because it is one thing that our college experiences have in common. In my day, lab reports were horrendously detailed and time consuming (well we were using correct-a-type cartridges). So that was really just meant as a topic of common ground so to speak. In the same way he can say "I like bio, hate chem." And I can say "that's funny I loved chem." Just little stuff. (I do know that Bio is considered a weeding out course at his college. So in that sense I'm trying to get a gauge on how Bio is going.)
DH and I are prepared to let DS make his own mistakes. Maybe I'm just missing him more than I was prepared to. |
Anonymous
12:46 again. Okay, sorry I misinterpreted what you wrote. I would have been delighted if I didn't have to see my kid's homework since 3rd grade. She finally got it together in high school but only after years of us monitoring it. I'm in awe of you OP! Yeah, sounds like you just miss your kid. I get that! |
Anonymous
FIL does this with BIL, who is 41 and an attorney. Then whenever BIL has a crisis he calls DH so they can brainstorm on how to bail out loser BIL. Why BIL tells his dad everything in detail I'll never understand. |
Anonymous
Thanks! I knew I'd miss him but I guess I never let myself think about how much. Those big senior boys and their loud goofy friends are more a part of your life than you realize (at least for me anyway). Our texting/calling is becoming more 50/50 now, and it's every 2 days or so, still rather light and short but I'm getting more comfortable and have a better sense of how he's doing. He's about 4 hours away, so I'll see him once before Thanksgiving. |