How much/often do you communicate with your college kids?

[Anonymous]

I've got a college freshman and communication has been very light. A few texts here and there. Maybe 2 calls in 3 weeks? It's been fine so far. She is only a few hours away and there is parents weekend soon and then fall break about 3 weeks after that so we will end up seeing her at least once a month this fall. At this point it just seems like she is away for a trip. On the plus side I did notice while folding laundry last night that it takes about half the time to get the laundry done now!

[Anonymous]

My DD and I are really close. She is a college junior now. We hardly communicate. It was really hard at first but then I realized she needed to get on with her life and didn't want to be tied to home. When she's going through really tough times, she calls a lot. Otherwise, there's little communication.

[Anonymous]

I knew it had to be a boy from the first post. I used to call my parents at least 5 days a week, sometimes a few times day just to mention random stuff. I have a feeling when DS goes to school it will be once or twice a week but my DD at least once a day. It's just their personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I purposely have not friended him on fb, just so he could feel free to be more relaxed to chat with friends as kids that age do (not all of it meant for the parent set, I don't think). I really shouldn't have said "homework." I haven't seen his homework or asked about it since the 3rd grade, really. And to my knowledge he's done all his homework since that time. (And till HS graduation I spoke to a total of 3 teachers of his on the phone -- one was a K teacher and that's because we didn't have email then.) I mentioned the lab because it is one thing that our college experiences have in common. In my day, lab reports were horrendously detailed and time consuming (well we were using correct-a-type cartridges). So that was really just meant as a topic of common ground so to speak. In the same way he can say "I like bio, hate chem." And I can say "that's funny I loved chem." Just little stuff. (I do know that Bio is considered a weeding out course at his college. So in that sense I'm trying to get a gauge on how Bio is going.)

DH and I are prepared to let DS make his own mistakes. Maybe I'm just missing him more than I was prepared to.

OP, communication varies by child, parent, time of year... If you want to text him, do it. If he really isn't communicating tell him your expectations are to hear from him once a week on Sunday and if you call to call you back. Obviously, don't call unless it is important.

But really you are just missing him. That is the hardest part. You are no longer part of the day to day, hour to hour of his life.

It gets better.

xoxo

[Anonymous]

And btw, I went to college, too. Knowing how parents/college kids communicated back then really has little bearing on today's communication.

Not being snarky, but maybe it should have a bearing on it. I mean, DD is in her second year of college and we don't call her, she calls us. We know she's busy and she'll call when she has the time away from studying and her other activities. We purposely don't text and call and Skype... FWIW, we are really close and I cried like Hell when we pulled away from her dorm this year (same as last year) and I still miss her, so it isn't that we don't care. They need to be allowed to feel almost on their own and call home on their schedule. It's just like parents who say that 10 year old children "need cell phones" because they're available now. Yes, we CAN contact them more often and more easily now, but should we? Just something I think about.

[Anonymous]

Not OP here but thanks much to the the 9/17 and 9/18 posters. Your comments are helpful and heartfelt. This empty nest stuff is every bit as hard as you hear it is. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting to talk once/week - ask your kid what day/time would be convenient and then stick to that. I think often that kids need to know that they have something to rely on - that makes it easier to go about their days without feeling guilty for not calling or, conversely, feeling lonely. Also, don't think that just bc you get no responses to those texts that they aren't important - if they are light and fun rather than intrusive or guilt-provoking, I suspect they brighten your kid's day.
Please please please though do NOT expect/require your kid to call or text you each night - I had a friend whose parents required this of her - very unhealthy relationship and caused a lot of resentment of the parents and then later of the boyfriend who made it difficult for her to call her parents.

[Anonymous]

We have one newly-minted college grad living and working in Boston and one junior who is at a college in New England, as well as 2 kids still at home. FWIW, all but the youngest are guys (can't say boys anymore, at least not with our oldest!). We text 2-3 times a week -- either re logistics or just something humorous and light -- e.g., how about those Nats? guess what the dog did?, etc. We talk once or twice per week either on cell or via Skype (which I actually like more than I thought I would once I got used to it). There is additional communication among sibs, which we hear about from the younger kids. We're a pretty close family and I still miss them a lotl, though not as acutely as I did when they first went away. I would also echo the point that a PP made about how you miss their friends -- after they get past the early adolescent snarky years, they actually become quite pleasant and interesting people to have around -- even though the guys do eat you out of house and home!

[Anonymous]

I talked to my mom practically every day during college and I still do 10 yrs later. Most of my siblings talked to my mom at least 3-4 times a week, or more.

[Anonymous]

"And do you get involved at all regarding specific assignments (like, did you get that lab report done?) or are homework questions totally off limits?"

Oh.my.god! Do.you.have.a.life?

[Anonymous]

I've seen recommendations from mental health/addiction professionals to check in at least once a week. There is a lot of drinking on campuses; now that the drinking age is 21 it has just gone underground and can be excessive. My DCs RA said they were the best dorm on campus, since in the 1st month fewer than 5 students had had to go into the emergency room. One of his classmates landed in the hospital with a blood alcohol content just under a level that can be fatal. Very scary. Talk to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen recommendations from mental health/addiction professionals to check in at least once a week. There is a lot of drinking on campuses; now that the drinking age is 21 it has just gone underground and can be excessive. My DCs RA said they were the best dorm on campus, since in the 1st month fewer than 5 students had had to go into the emergency room. One of his classmates landed in the hospital with a blood alcohol content just under a level that can be fatal. Very scary. Talk to your kids.

You're right. This advice never changes.

[Anonymous]

I teach at a univ., and also have a child in college. I don't think one-size-fits-all. A lot of kids have mental health issues that emerge in college, and can feel very alone. If you're thinking "they need their space," it may be the wrong kind of space at the wrong time in their life. So this is not to say you SHOULD call a lot, or SHOULD be a helicopter parent. But that you shouldn't just follow a rule that DCUM parents think is fine; I'd discuss w/ you kid how much communication they want, but also be really keyed in during whatever communication to how things are going. If you never ask about schoolwork, you may never find they're really stressed about it, and all that may come with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I teach at a univ., and also have a child in college. I don't think one-size-fits-all. A lot of kids have mental health issues that emerge in college, and can feel very alone. If you're thinking "they need their space," it may be the wrong kind of space at the wrong time in their life. So this is not to say you SHOULD call a lot, or SHOULD be a helicopter parent. But that you shouldn't just follow a rule that DCUM parents think is fine; I'd discuss w/ you kid how much communication they want, but also be really keyed in during whatever communication to how things are going. If you never ask about schoolwork, you may never find they're really stressed about it, and all that may come with that.

Thanks! I'm OP and am so glad to hear this response.

[Anonymous]

Coincidentally, we just got a letter to parents from the head of mental health at my child's university. Key in the message is 2 points:
- you are still the most important adult in your child's life, and it is important to stay connected
- it is important to ask about his/her life - how are they sleeping, how are they eating, what are they doing other than academics?