Coming to grips with gender/class implications of SAH

[Anonymous]

We're TTC, and strongly considering having me SAH once we have children for various reasons. Suffice it to say that SAH is something we both would like to work out, and we can do so financially. My primary concern is that I would end up essentially never having a break from the childcare tedium 6:00 a.m. till 10:00 p.m every single day (at least while the children are young). My husband, on the other hand, would see his job as WOH. Full stop. In other words, my hours would end up being longer than his due to the morning/evening routines. And I would resent it.

I spoke with DH about this, and he understands my point. He wants me to have "me time," but does not think it should come at the expense of any of his "me time"/downtime in the mornings and evenings. He envisions doing the "fun" things with the kids -- eating dinner and/or breakfast, reading bedtime stories, and maybe doing baths -- but not doing any "menial" work at all to relieve my burden. Instead, he suggests we hire a PT nanny or helper for a couple hours a day or a couple times a week so that I have my own downtime (we can afford to do this). He suggests I use this downtime to do whatever I need and find fulfilling, no questions asked: take language lessons, veg in front of the TV, do a book club, go drinking with friends, etc.

This arrangement seems very rational and perfect to him. I appreciate that he understands my concerns and is trying to find a way to meet them (notably, without compromising his own desires for evening/morning downtime and to avoid true household tasks). But I'm not sure how to feel about it. I worry that I will resent him for an arrangement that so strenuously reinforces gender roles. I worry that I will feel overly-privileged, spoiled, and diva-y for having PT help as discussed when I don't work outside the home. (I was raised lower-middle-class with parents who shared parenting roles pretty much 50/50. This just seems very foreign to me.)

Above all, I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to be in the position to have these options. I really do, because my parents didn't have them, and my siblings don't have them. But I'm just scared about how I'll feel exercising these options and living a life so foreign to how I grew up.

[Anonymous]

I say do it and don't look back! I SAH with a 4 yo (in preschool M-F) and a 6 month old and although DH helps out a LOT when he's home, I still would jump on any offer for part time help I also hate doing mind numbing menial work related to childcare/house care and would LOVE to be able to go to the gym, take a class, work on my personal projects, etc. but it's really hard when they are so young. My mom SAH up until I was in 5th grade but up until I was four (and my sisters 3 and 1) she had full time, live in help. It's really hard until everyone is in school full time.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to re-define your life and modify your views as your circumstances change. You grew up a certain way because your circumstances were different back then. It's ok to let that go and adapt to a different situation. It's not fair to begrudge your husband his "me time" because he won't be on baby duty all day long. And it's mighty generous of him to suggest getting a mother's helper. There are many husbands who will tell you to suck it up because they don't consider SAH a job. My husband thinks SAH moms watch Oprah and eat bonbons all day.

[Anonymous]

I SAH without any nanny, helper, etc. BUT my DH does a ton. He doesn't work long hours, and most days when he gets home he takes DD so I can get dinner and maybe some cleaning done and get a bit of alone time to break up the day. Then we do bedtime together.

If I were in the situation you are contemplating, I would resent my DH greatly. In fact, I would be concerned that he is not going to be involved enough in his kids' life as I want the father of my child(ren) to be. There are really two issues here - how involved do you want your kids' dad to be in their lives, and how are you going to get some time to yourself. It concerns me that he views caring for his (future) children as menial. I think that unless you get these issues straightened out, you are going to have a long and lonely road ahead of you once you have kids, whether you SAH or WOH.

[Anonymous]

13:47 here. I meant to add that I grew up in a home much like the one your DH wants for your family, and I hated that my dad was so checked out. So there is my bias, and why it is so important to me that my DH be involved.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Sounds like your DH has it all figured out - his career will advance and thrive, he won't have to do any "menial" childcare or house hold management tasks (though I would argue menial tasks of childcare is what makes a parent) and you give up your career and base your "me time" around his schedule.

It's a man's world.

This wouldn't fly with me OP, but it is one reason I stayed in the workforce (more equality and I wanted my husband to be involved in the menial tasks of childrearing, as did he).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:47 here. I meant to add that I grew up in a home much like the one your DH wants for your family, and I hated that my dad was so checked out. So there is my bias, and why it is so important to me that my DH be involved.

I also had a lazy boy father. It really, really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH without any nanny, helper, etc. BUT my DH does a ton. He doesn't work long hours, and most days when he gets home he takes DD so I can get dinner and maybe some cleaning done and get a bit of alone time to break up the day. Then we do bedtime together.

If I were in the situation you are contemplating, I would resent my DH greatly. In fact, I would be concerned that he is not going to be involved enough in his kids' life as I want the father of my child(ren) to be. There are really two issues here - how involved do you want your kids' dad to be in their lives, and how are you going to get some time to yourself. It concerns me that he views caring for his (future) children as menial. I think that unless you get these issues straightened out, you are going to have a long and lonely road ahead of you once you have kids, whether you SAH or WOH.

My advice, worry about this after you get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're TTC, and strongly considering having me SAH once we have children for various reasons. Suffice it to say that SAH is something we both would like to work out, and we can do so financially. My primary concern is that I would end up essentially never having a break from the childcare tedium 6:00 a.m. till 10:00 p.m every single day (at least while the children are young). My husband, on the other hand, would see his job as WOH. Full stop. In other words, my hours would end up being longer than his due to the morning/evening routines. And I would resent it.

I spoke with DH about this, and he understands my point. He wants me to have "me time," but does not think it should come at the expense of any of his "me time"/downtime in the mornings and evenings. He envisions doing the "fun" things with the kids -- eating dinner and/or breakfast, reading bedtime stories, and maybe doing baths -- but not doing any "menial" work at all to relieve my burden. Instead, he suggests we hire a PT nanny or helper for a couple hours a day or a couple times a week so that I have my own downtime (we can afford to do this). He suggests I use this downtime to do whatever I need and find fulfilling, no questions asked: take language lessons, veg in front of the TV, do a book club, go drinking with friends, etc.

This arrangement seems very rational and perfect to him. I appreciate that he understands my concerns and is trying to find a way to meet them (notably, without compromising his own desires for evening/morning downtime and to avoid true household tasks). But I'm not sure how to feel about it. I worry that I will resent him for an arrangement that so strenuously reinforces gender roles. I worry that I will feel overly-privileged, spoiled, and diva-y for having PT help as discussed when I don't work outside the home. (I was raised lower-middle-class with parents who shared parenting roles pretty much 50/50. This just seems very foreign to me.)

Above all, I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to be in the position to have these options. I really do, because my parents didn't have them, and my siblings don't have them. But I'm just scared about how I'll feel exercising these options and living a life so foreign to how I grew up.

I don't think you sound that lucky. Your husband is a high earner but he doesn't sound like he's cut out for the dad thing. This post screamed of red flags to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH without any nanny, helper, etc. BUT my DH does a ton. He doesn't work long hours, and most days when he gets home he takes DD so I can get dinner and maybe some cleaning done and get a bit of alone time to break up the day. Then we do bedtime together.

If I were in the situation you are contemplating, I would resent my DH greatly. In fact, I would be concerned that he is not going to be involved enough in his kids' life as I want the father of my child(ren) to be. There are really two issues here - how involved do you want your kids' dad to be in their lives, and how are you going to get some time to yourself. It concerns me that he views caring for his (future) children as menial. I think that unless you get these issues straightened out, you are going to have a long and lonely road ahead of you once you have kids, whether you SAH or WOH.

OP here. It concerns me, too. We had a long talk this weekend on exactly that topic. He made clear that he wants to spend lots of time with his children, just not doing "chores for them." I.e., he wants to play with and read to them, help them with their homework, eat and have dinner with them. He does not want to do their laundry, clean their rooms, cook their food, do their dishes, etc. We think (correct me if I'm wrong) that there is less "fun stuff to do with the kids" when they are younger, and that things might be rough figuring that out for the first few years, but that we'll be fine once they're 3-4. It seems that a lot of women here on the Board have mentioned that husbands have a hard time bonding with kids before that age.

[Anonymous]

"Wow. Sounds like your DH has it all figured out - his career will advance and thrive, he won't have to do any "menial" childcare or house hold management tasks (though I would argue menial tasks of childcare is what makes a parent) and you give up your career and base your "me time" around his schedule. "

How is the boredom and drudgery of childcare and housework "parenting"?

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I am so familiar with this particular conversation. I have been there and come through on the other side. After months (read: 9, the time it takes to gestate a child) of debate, we decided that I would take my full maternity leave (6 months, partially paid) and see if I could find a good part time job that was more interesting than my current job, and if at the end of maternity leave, I wanted to stay home still, I would do that, with the understanding that I would be doing the majority of the home-tasks. The part time job that was more interesting was what I wanted, but that mythical beast doesn't seem to exist in my field. At the end of 6 months, I realized that while my DH would theoretically have been okay with our new arrangement, on a day to day basis, we would start to resent the hell out of each other - him because he thought that I would just be staying home, playing with the baby and having a permanent vacation, and me because I would be doing all the housework, all the family errands, all the baby errands and he would be only participating in the easy parts. This dynamic is certainly not specific to us, and it had already started before my maternity leave was over. Ultimately, I went back to work at the same boring job I had before I got pregnant, because the tension was too much for me personally to take.

At first, while I was on leave, we were both kind of weirded out and excited by the gender flip-flop going on. He is the neat one, the one who taught me to cook, the planner, and I am sloppier and more happy go lucky - a dirty house doesn't bother me all that much, but for him, it was a HUGE deal that I would prioritize baby yoga over cleaning the bathroom on a weekly basis. But there was a part of us that thought it was hilarious that I would make him drinks and give them to him while he walked in the door, cook elaborate meals, etc.

Flash forward a year, and things have only changed a little bit. One thing I learned really fast was that even though I am back at work full time, I am still shouldering the lion's share of the domestic work. I found myself doing exactly what I once resented my DH for - ignoring the filthy house when I got home from work in favor of playing with the baby. After a couple months of that, we hired a cleaning service to come in twice a month. They clean all the surfaces and the floors, the bathroom, etc. They change the linens and dust. We got one of those robotic vacuum cleaners that runs while we are at work. Now when we get home, it is just minimal daily clutter, rather than actual filth, which allows us both to hang out with our daughter and cook things together, rather than divide up who gets the fun thing vs. the gross thing. Having a cleaning service was hard for me from a class perspective, since I was raised without hardly any money at all, but I find that the more time passes, the less worried about it I am. We pay them a living wage and don't leave disgusting messes.

I think you should consider whether or not you really WANT to stay home. I thought that I did, but when it came down to it, I was horribly bored and really unhappy as a result. I'm sure that given time, I would have found interesting things to do, but I really believe that there are some people who love what you refer to as "childcare tedium" and some people, like me, who really do not take to it.

[Anonymous]

Can you work part time? I thought I'd want to stay home, but when the time came I couldn't have been happier to return to work and maintain some semblance of who I was before kids. You could also consider outsourcing some of what you consider the menial parts of being a SAHM - laundry, cleaning, cooking - so you don't feel like it's a gender stereotype.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with your husband. When is his "me" time supposed to be if he is supposed to take over childcare when he gets home at night? While there is downtime during a workday, being the breadwinner also involves a LOT of pressure. And childcare is not quite as relentless as you make it out to be -- kids nap, as they get older they can play with minimal supervision. Plus there are lots of activities that are enjoyable for both mom and kid -- playdates where you get to hang out with mom friends come to mind. And your kid should not be up from 6 AM to 10PM. Kids who get up at 6 are going to have an earlier bedtime, and kids who stay up till 10 are going to sleep later. Young children need at least 10-14 hours of sleep a night.
Frankly, I think you should be greatful that your husband makes an income that allows you to stay home, and that he is willing to pay for you to have time off for relaxing during the week. If you really think that being a SAHM is such drudgery, maybe you shouldn't stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH without any nanny, helper, etc. BUT my DH does a ton. He doesn't work long hours, and most days when he gets home he takes DD so I can get dinner and maybe some cleaning done and get a bit of alone time to break up the day. Then we do bedtime together.

If I were in the situation you are contemplating, I would resent my DH greatly. In fact, I would be concerned that he is not going to be involved enough in his kids' life as I want the father of my child(ren) to be. There are really two issues here - how involved do you want your kids' dad to be in their lives, and how are you going to get some time to yourself. It concerns me that he views caring for his (future) children as menial. I think that unless you get these issues straightened out, you are going to have a long and lonely road ahead of you once you have kids, whether you SAH or WOH.

OP here. It concerns me, too. We had a long talk this weekend on exactly that topic. He made clear that he wants to spend lots of time with his children, just not doing "chores for them." I.e., he wants to play with and read to them, help them with their homework, eat and have dinner with them. He does not want to do their laundry, clean their rooms, cook their food, do their dishes, etc. We think (correct me if I'm wrong) that there is less "fun stuff to do with the kids" when they are younger, and that things might be rough figuring that out for the first few years, but that we'll be fine once they're 3-4. It seems that a lot of women here on the Board have mentioned that husbands have a hard time bonding with kids before that age.

So is he not going to change diapers, wipe noses, care for them when they are sick? Are you really going to be ok with doing all the day in day out slogging through, while he swoops in for dinner and cuddles? This sounds like a miserable existence, and a perfect recipe for resentment and alienation.