Blindsided
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Anonymous
AMEN. Why do people not get this? |
Anonymous
| I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last. |
Anonymous
You sound really grounded. I bet your daughters are too! |
Anonymous
I disagree. The wife in the OP will be fine too. People who go through even worse will be fine too. It's silly to downplay the devastation that one rightly feels from having to adjust to new challenges and hurdles because of a divorce because, " they will be fine" when the dust settles. Pp is stupid/naive if she thinks that these teenagers' lives would not be more difficult if they have to deal with the insecurity of step siblings from their father ( which will probably be the case in the OP since he is marrying a much younger woman). Which mother wants that for her children? Yes, they will adjust in the end, but there will be trauma. There will be most likely be lifelong tension around step children and insecurities surrounding those relationships. If marriage is not important to you, don't make the commitment. Go ahead and have your kids outside of the institution. Don't bring up kids under its warm embrace and then snatch it someday because " they will be fine". Ofcourse no one is saying stay at all cost. But downplaying the downsides of breaking up a marriage when children are involved is stupid and selfish. |
Anonymous
You are actually naive. There is nothing realistic about thinking you will help your children through the process of feeling rejection from their father "if necessary". You sound like one of those women whose kids would feel the need to bury it all inside because mom said it's not a big deal that Dad is starting a new family. It is a big deal. Refusing to admit it does not make you stronger: it makes you sound ridiculous and emotionally stunted. In this case, since it hasn't happened to you or your children, you sound like someone who lacks empathy. |
Anonymous
I agree with your larger point that I will be fine. I’m never going to put myself in a situation where I cannot take care of myself. And perhaps “profound moral obligation” is a bit much. But you seem to be dismissive of really trying to work through things if you have kids. I’m definitely not sticking around for major dealbreakers. But I think my husband and I both feel a strong obligation to try to be our best selves individually and as a couple for the sake of our family unit. We talk about this and definitely try to make sure we are connecting with each other and the kids. We have one teenager with profound intellectual disability and the other one had cancer. We both know that we are way better off parenting together than trying to trade off kids from week to week. My dad remarried at age 70 and managed to create big mess for me and my siblings — even though we are all low drama grown ups. I cannot even imagine doing that kind of thing to my daughters. |
Anonymous
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It happened to me too, only he tried to hide the affair. He'd already had one affair when the kids were young and he swore he was reformed and would never do it again. Supposedly he didn't take things physical until he left. Then he waited a year to introduce the AP to people and he still pretends they're just friends in certain contexts (20 months since he left).
He said I didn't do anything wrong. I mean, obviously, but at least he wasn't blame-shifting this time around, I guess. And he immediately offered me lifetime alimony and what he thought was more than half of the assets (but he is generous in his appraisals). I even get to keep the alimony if I cohabitate in the future. She's only five years younger and has three kids of her own, younger than ours. Have fun buddy. Even with all of the ways I've landed on my feet, it's still a horrible shock and identity crisis. I wanted my family intact. I'm a SAHM with health issues. I wanted a supportive partner and marriage. So I made a lot of compromises. Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm grateful to be where I am. But no one wants to be pushed off a cliff with no warning. The ex still texts me when he's sad or gets an injury. He has not noticed that I've been gray rocking him for a year and a half. That's the kind of man he is and . . . now he's someone else's problem. |
Anonymous
They're called band-aid babies |
Anonymous
She is grounded i reality because she knows this is possible (it always is). And she has built a life that is not entirely dependent on another adult , whom she cannot control. Very mature and wise. |
Anonymous
Talk is cheap. Let’s see how sanguine she remains if reality hits her. |
Anonymous
I have a couple of friends (both male and female) whose parents had theatrical splits when kids were in their teens. Decades later not a single one of them says their parents either with each other or with a rotating cast of future partners, offered them good role models, or had boundaries. Actually a couple had future spouses who were so boundary free they took the past wife's kids with them to the nudist beach. So, unhealthy, traumatic, and costly. On the positive side, most of the kids in a reaction to dad's midlife crisis never took up with nudist squash players. |
Anonymous
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I didn't play this game. I burned it all down.
Kids despise the father now. I made huge public scenes as did the kids. They were shell-shocked. I had the golden reputation so I used it. Don't F with me. They learned the hard way. |
Anonymous
What if there were custody disagreements? You must also have sufficient assets that a split won’t derail your retirement. I generally agree with you if finances make it a comfortable decision but where I question such a rational, calm reaction is in cards where the leaving party wants custody- even if it’s just on paper for their ego. When your holidays are suddenly dictated for the next decade down to the hour and your kids are forced to be somewhere they don’t want to go, that’s when it gets hard to say it’s no big deal. |
Anonymous
| I don't think that ever happens the way you described it. This is a failed marriage and she is trying to say she had no idea that everything wasn't blissful? That it never took a turn at some point and didn't recover? Sorry, I'm not buying it. It's mostly women who tell these stories about being the perfect wife and then, out of the blue, they are blindsided like this. Got traded in for a younger woman by the evil husband. Absolutely no fault of her own that the marriage fell apart. No other possible explanation except for him chasing that young one out of pure selfishness with no regard for his wife and family. Yeah, riggghhht! |
Anonymous
Very true. We've heard one side and no one has any idea what went on in their marriage. |