I think I win the Thanksgiving 2023 petty vents already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok yes, rude. But whatever. I wouldn’t care that much. It isn’t like they showed up 9 days early. I wouldn’t be at all bothered that they have to sit around while I worked, cleaned, and got rooms ready. Maybe they will offer to help. I’d give them their sheets out of the dryer, they can fix their own beds.

This is more the vibe of my family too and how I would handle this. I'd be annoyed but not too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t call before they left or from the road to give you a heads up? Strange.

NP. This is not strange to me because my own mother has done this for decades. It's a game of gotcha, it's how she maintains control. When my father was alive at least he would text me. But now if I try to nail her down, she will say something like "oh I am at mile marker 123" as if I have any idea where that is (so I google, but often she lies).

I hate that she does this. I stopped giving a $hit and she's shown up at my house when we are not home and at my kid's school for my kid's games when they were sick and not there (because she REFUSES to tell us when and if she's coming). You have to drop the rope.

Dropping the rope would mean not letting her in the door without a plan that she sticks to. What you are doing is called “laying down so she can walk all over me.”

I can't let her in the door if I am not home because she didnt' tell me when she'd get there. Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

Sorry your brother is a bad host! I've dropped the rope with my in-laws for the most part (I do clean the house, make a grocery list for my husband to pick up so we have plenty of food in the house, and help him think through meal planning for the visit), but I'm sure my in-laws think I am a bad hostess. The reality is I can only care so much so I do help with some of the planning that I care about (clean house and a food plan for the visit).

What makes you think my brother is a bad host?!
There isn’t much hosting required in the first place. It’s not like they are providing a three course meal on arrival and a fully ready guest bedroom lol. But even the bare minimum - bring the sheets and make some tea and maybe slice some cheese? Is now demonstratively left to my brother.
I don’t really care, it’s their family, but it just looks funny and eyeroll worthy

Your needs seem very specific. We don’t have tea in our house so if you showed up and “required” tea and cheese, you’d be out of luck.

Who the hell eats tea and cheese slices, anyway? What a putrid combination.

I feel like this is one for the dcum archives…up there with lightly grilled tuna

From now on the height of hospitality is to offer tea and sliced cheese to your guest immediately upon their arrival (but for full points it must be offered by a female)

Oh I will definitely remember “tea and cheese” just like the pear, Gouda, and glass of frangelico poster .

Sorry but if you show up 9 hours early, you’re going to find me in sweat pants with the house not ready yet. I work full time and need those hours leading up to the visit to get myself and the house ready. Also, I work on the main level. So it would be really annoying to have unexpected guests puttering around while I’m on a work call. This would super irk me too OP.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get a nap today and I will not get a nap for the next TWO DAYS. I believe this trumps OP's nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.

But why must SIL do it if the brother is fully capable? I bet if SIL served tea and cheese the PP wouldn’t be wondering why brother wasn’t doing it. She just doesn’t like the reversal of gender roles.

[Anonymous]

My mother won’t stop belching. She doesn’t cover her mouth or say excuse me, it’s disgusting. She also won’t stop talking, she easily fills the silence. Is it Saturday yet?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.
[/quote]

But why must SIL do it if the brother is fully capable? I bet if SIL served tea and cheese the PP wouldn’t be wondering why brother wasn’t doing it. She just doesn’t like the reversal of gender roles.[/quote]

lol, NP and that’s exactly what happens. When my brother does something, my mom calls me to vent about how my SIL can’t even be bothered to do it. If my SIL did it, my mom would vent that she did it wrong or not generously enough. SILs, you can’t win here.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.
[/quote]

But why must SIL do it if the brother is fully capable? I bet if SIL served tea and cheese the PP wouldn’t be wondering why brother wasn’t doing it. She just doesn’t like the reversal of gender roles.[/quote]

lol, NP and that’s exactly what happens. When my brother does something, my mom calls me to vent about how my SIL can’t even be bothered to do it. If my SIL did it, my mom would vent that she did it wrong or not generously enough. SILs, you can’t win here.[/quote]

+1. Tea and Cheese PP sounds like the type who would gush that her brother was “babysitting” his kids while his wife went out to dinner with girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

Except that you also wanted to make clear that it wasn’t enough for your brother to welcome you in this way but rather berate your SIL for not being the one to do it.

That’s your interpretation.
My point is that whoever opens the door won’t die of being polite and maybe even - gasp!- offering tea or coffee!

Normal Americans don’t offer tea and coffee to a guest immediately upon their arrival…maybe a glass of water at most. this sounds like a cultural issue.

Okay even better! Just say hi and ask if they want anything to drink! No need to do anything else. They are there to see the son, not DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

Except that you also wanted to make clear that it wasn’t enough for your brother to welcome you in this way but rather berate your SIL for not being the one to do it.

That’s your interpretation.
My point is that whoever opens the door won’t die of being polite and maybe even - gasp!- offering tea or coffee!

Except that it apparently HAS to be a woman that opens the door and offers you tea? Your brother must have no arms, poor guy!

No.
It so happened that she opened the door and was in the kitchen.
And no one expects her to be there for hours.
Can we put an end to you imagining things now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

My parents are in their late 70s and know to call if they are going to change plans. There is no excuse to be rude to your hosts when they are graciously opening their home to you for a visit and are cooking you a holiday meal.

All I am saying is that even though they weren’t perfectly polite and considerate, they do deserve basic politeness.
I don’t think anyone expected OP to do more than the basic greeting ritual?

Well at least one poster expected Op to serve tea and cheese!

Don't knock it til you've tried it. May I suggest a Darjeeling with smoked Dutch gouda?

Someone upthread said normal Americans don’t offer tea!
-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

I like people like her and I try to be the same way. I work FT. Don’t have small kids though (that’s the next excuse right?)

I have it even better than you—my husband is our family’s baker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

You also inferred that it's the womans job to host her ILs, even if she's working. That doesnt make someone a "modern woman" it makes your brother a lazy POS.

+1, I can almost guarantee that tea and cheese’s SIL’s obvious deferral to her husband to offer refreshments is the direct result of a pattern of previous cases where she was forced to shoulder the burden of hosting her in-laws and that she is finally taking a stand.

Interesting, do you think its similar to certain cultures of DILs who feel that because they had to deal with awful MILs that they too can become awful MILs? So she is "fighting back" against her SIL who sets proper boundaries and doesnt deal with her sh!t?

You are projecting now.
No one said anyone had to be a perfect host.
Just maybe say hi, ask a few questions, maybe offer refreshments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need some more information. So they showed up at 8am? How far away do they live that they were worried about traffic?

OP here. They live 2 hours away. So hardly a huge trek. They did not text or call to say they had decided to get moving basically right after they woke up. That still would have been weird, but not as weird as our doorbell ringing right after DH had left to drop the kids off at daycare. A text would have been nice.

I am planning on staying up here, working, getting myself and only myself lunch when I need to, and leaving them to entertain themselves. DH has the office that’s in a more central location, so he can deal with them. My “office” is a corner of our bedroom.

Now that business hours have started, this is my final post about my situation, and I cede the thread to anyone who has a petty vent!

Translation: you’re embarrassed by your own pettiness.

Your reading comprehension is embarrassingly poor.

DP