What to do about hyper vigilant parents in public & SN kids whose disabilities are not alway obvious

[Anonymous]

I'm not even sure what to title this or how to express but I am wondering what people do when they take their SN child to the pool or some other place where there are groups of parents & children that you don't know. My child is 8 and has ADHD and while he loves the water and interacting with other kids, he pushes it a bit. The whole thing can stress me out, not because of my son's behavior but because of the hypervigilance of other parents. I am more of a laid back parent but if another child asks him to stop splashing for instance and he doesn't, then I intervene but I am not on him constantly because that would be annoying for both of us. I think at that age, kids should be able to try and solve their differences first and if they need help, then they involve an adult. I sit near the pool and observe unless I am in with them. I don't have a lot of opportunities to observe my son interacting with peers so when we are in situations like this I really want to take a step back and see how he is being socially so that we can address it in therapy or at home. Nothing good has ever come from making a big public scene. To other parents, this may look like I am being a total slacker mom. The other day, at the pool we belong to there was another mom of a NT boy of the same age and she was just constantly on him about every little thing. He was the same age as my son and it was just a drag to listen to her. He was doing all of the things that normal little boys of that age do. I mean, you are at a pool so you would expect there to be a bit of splashing and loud talking. I guess I feel that when other parents are being so hyper vigilant, they expect me to be the same way and I'm not and I think it pisses them off. I felt many judgy glares as we were leaving and I actually had moved my son to the baby pool that was empty so he could continue shooting one of the pool's water guns in the air by himself since he really was more interested in observing how the water fell from the sky and not necessarily where it hit. How do others deal with this? Maybe we picked the wrong pool to join this summer

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to think of a gentle way to say this but I think you are being a total slacker mom. I say this as the mother of two children with ADHD, one of whom also has Aspergers. I get that its more difficult for our kids, but at some point it becomes an excuse. I would never sit back and allow my kids to splash others like that. If you don't address this at the moment, that moment is gone. Talking about it later does absolutely no good. Sure, you don't have to address this loudly and you can try to avoid publicly embarrassing him, but what I get from your post is that you aren't addressing it at all. And you think that because your son has a diagnosis, that you don't have to.

If you are treating the ADHD (medication, I assume) then you also need to treat the behavior. Your child can learn not to splash people. Yeah, he's probably impulsive and its probably more difficult for him, but you aren't doing him any favors by sitting back and watching. Soon he'll be the big 15 year-old who doesn't respect others and it will be a much, much difficult task.

If his behavior can't be address with some structured behavior modification -- rewards (very important for our kids!) and punishment -- you should speak with his doctor about ways to better treat his ADHD.

Or you could go around thinking that the problem is all the parents and their hypervigilance. But honestly that won't help your son.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys who are NT as far as we know but big and active and difficult to control at times. And at times I feel like there is a neurotic mommy conspiracy against big busy boys, who seem to always get the blame if there is any kind of dispute among kids. So I totally feel for you about the judgy glares. That said, I mostly do try to police my kids' behavior within reason. I agree that kids need to be able to solve their differences, especially at 8yo, and I don't shriek every time someone grabs a toy from my toddler or vice versa. But I try to be watchful, and I try to intervene if I see my kids behaving in a way that is clearly bothering others. Ordinary playing in a public pool that results in splashing seems fine in my book - but deliberately going after other kids by splashing them wouldn't be. It's not clear from your post what your son was doing, but there has to be a happy medium between slacker mom and hyper vigilant mom.

I should also note that at our pool, the baby pool is not supposed to be used by kids over 6yo, and they have at times banned the water squirters. (I totally agree with these rules even if it's a major hassle when you've got kids of different ages. And I personally wish they were totally consistent on banning them; my son actually loves being a target of these but obviously not all kids do and it's a pain trying to enforce good behavior when there is one or more of these lying around.) Anyway, the point is that you may have been getting the stinkeye for good reason if you had a wild child 8yo with a water blaster in the baby pool.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- yes, 16:13 I would not have let my son in the baby pool if there were little kids there - it was empty and the issue in the big pool was that he was squirting a water shooter thing up in the air that was hitting other people occasionally (not intentional on his part) and was basically annoying them. I think he was completely oblivious at the time since he was focused more on watching the water go up and wasn't really aware of where it was coming down. I asked him to move to the baby pool since it was obvious to me that he was being a pain. Note to self -- make sure those water squirter things are NOT in the pool - not sure why people bring those anyway since it normally leads to problems.

Thanks 15:59 you have given me things to think about - I actually had addressed his prior splashing after he was told by the other kid to stop (this actually happened more than a few times this day at the pool). I guess I am at a loss over how over involved do I need to be in these situations -- at what point to intervene in an issue between my son and another child and at what point to let the kids sort it out themselves. With my younger kids, I feel like I really need to be right there on them but at 8, isn't there a point where parents need to back off a bit in these situations before getting involved? What I've observed at the pool among this age set is that they all splash eachother in fun and then it goes a little too far and one child will ask to not be splashed but then my son doesn't get that and it takes a few times for him to register to stop.

[Anonymous]

I also have an active ADHD boy of the same age. Here's my pool rules. You can NEVER splash adults, little kids or people you don't know. I'm good with the water guns so long as everyone who is involved in being squirted has one and is actively involved in game. I'm also good with kids splashing each other in the water. But if it isn't reciprocated or if it's annoying to the other kid(s) instead of fun, then enough. I'm good with my kid being the first splasher and with initiating the water gun play so long as he stops if it's unwanted. If the water gun play gets out of hand and others are being hit, I usually tell the kids to take it away from the crowds - they can always find some empty space to chase each other around. And, FWIW, this seems to be the way most parents at our pool handle these things, whether the kid is ADHD or NT.

As for calling my son out in public for his behavior, I don't really have a problem with it. I just usually tell him that if he does "it" again, he's going to be benched for 5 and he always knows what the "it" that I'm talking about is. I don't have a conversation or make a big deal about it and I don't yell.

Finally, as to your intervention of sending him to the baby pool, given your explanation, I think it was totally fine so long as your pool isn't really strict about the age of kids in the baby pool.

[Anonymous]

I happily wear the title of slacker mom.

I will usually observe the situation. If a mom appears to be upset, I will usually mention something about my kiddo being a little tornado and then redirect my kid until the problem behavior stops.

If a kid appears to be upset, I will intervene and stay involved in the situation until things have calmed down and my kid isn't being a pain in the butt anymore.

But, I don't jump in unless I think it's really necesary. I think it's really important for my kiddo to try to navigate play interactions without me taking over all the time.

[Anonymous]

18:05, I don't think anyone is advocating taking over all the time. But OP's DS is having trouble "navigating" this particular play interaction. Making excuses about him being a little tornado will not help him learn how to do better. Neither will redirecting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I happily wear the title of slacker mom.

I will usually observe the situation. If a mom appears to be upset, I will usually mention something about my kiddo being a little tornado and then redirect my kid until the problem behavior stops.

If a kid appears to be upset, I will intervene and stay involved in the situation until things have calmed down and my kid isn't being a pain in the butt anymore.

But, I don't jump in unless I think it's really necesary. I think it's really important for my kiddo to try to navigate play interactions without me taking over all the time.

Yes, good. Does your kid play with other neighborhood kids? Because we let the kids run between backyards in our neighborhood and there is one kid who is consistently out of hand--spraying kids directly in their eyes and ears with the water gun--beaning other kids in the head with a ball when they're not looking, trying to exclude some kids and not others and bossing and screaming orders constantly at others. The kid's parents are almost never watching this interplay as it happens in the alley--but I'm out in the yard and see this all the time--the kid's mom does nothing. My son is SN/Adhd, and I periodically will pull him inside to cool down and we discuss behavior that is problematic. This kid just carries on endlessly like this until someone is in tears, and the parents do NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is a "laid back mom" too. Her son is 6 and my son is 4, and she likes to "let them handle it on their own". This translates into her son beating the crap out of my son until I step in. Her parenting style shouldn't mean my son pays the price, try looking at things from the other kids perspective. Needless to say, we don't hang out with them too often

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. If you are the parent of a child who is MORE likely than other children to disturb the peace, then why would you be LESS involved? And why would you be so proud of that so as to give yourself a title stolen from a blog? That seems bass ackward.

It strikes me that the parents who have the good luck (and it is luck) to have naturally placid children would be the ones who get the honor of being a little lazier with their observation/interventions. They should be the first ones to get a plastic cup of wine and chat with friends while turning their backs, fair or not.


So OP, please find another area of life to kick back and slack off (hair upkeep? yard work? homework?) that doesn't directly and daily affect dozens of other people. You know, because you've read quite a lot about impulsivity, that your 8 yr old isn't just going to "learn to sort it out himself and remember every time not to bug the crap out of everyone." It's going to take years and years for that to happen, and in the meantime, he's not going to engender good will from his peers or his elders.

[Anonymous]

Our pool doesn't allow water guns because they are annoying as hell. People hate being squirted with water guns.

[Anonymous]

I really don't have an axe to grind in this discussion except to say that the hypervigilant moms that I encounter, I really can't stand. There is a woman who brings two kids to the same PT I bring my daughter to. She is continually verbally working over these two kids. Sit down, don't touch, don't play with that, don't put your fingers on that, don't play with your hair, don't touch your shoes, sit up, sit straight, don't look at your sister, don't fiddle with that...it's a constant litany, and I wish I could video her. It's just unbelievable. There is literally nothing this boy and girl can do of their own initiative that doesn't bother her or "belong" to her.

[Anonymous]

19:23 I understand what your saying, but these don't impact others. What OP is describing is different since it involves ore kids

[Anonymous]

19:23 again. I thought OP was drawing a contrast between moms who are hyper-vigilant about their kids every little potentially out-of-line behavior and moms who are laid back. I do not like the hyper vigilant ones who are always riding their kids. I do not think it is good for kids. But as I said, I do not have an axe to grind; my SN kid is not behaviorally challenged.

[Anonymous]

Have you read The Last Child in the Woods? Basically, it says that parents need to stop hovering over their kids so much. Hovering leads to kids who can't solve problems for themselves, are afraid to be independent, and it makes kids feel incompetent. Unless my child is engaging in dangerous behavior when playing with other kids, I usually leave him alone. Boys need boisterous, physical play and parents need to chill a little. We parents won't always be around to referee every interaction and they need to learn the consequences of their behavior. If they play to rough or don't follow the rules of a game, other kids won't want to play with them and they will be left out. My parents didn't over when we played in the neighborhood and I thank God for it. Kids today are growing up too coddled, in my opinion.