What to do about hyper vigilant parents in public & SN kids whose disabilities are not alway obvious

[Anonymous]

OOps. My keyboard is acting up, so excuse the typos in my post.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, OP. While I step in if my ADHD kid is bothering others, I am not going to do so if her obviously awkward or strange behavior is not disturbing others. And I feel embarrassed about it. But I can't "fix" her so as long as she's respecting everyoneelse I have to let it go. If we're constantly correcting them for the little things it doilutes the message when we get to the important things.

[Anonymous]

Have you read The Last Child in the Woods? Basically, it says that parents need to stop hovering over their kids so much. Hovering leads to kids who can't solve problems for themselves, are afraid to be independent, and it makes kids feel incompetent. Unless my child is engaging in dangerous behavior when playing with other kids, I usually leave him alone. Boys need boisterous, physical play and parents need to chill a little. We parents won't always be around to referee every interaction and they need to learn the consequences of their behavior. If they play to rough or don't follow the rules of a game, other kids won't want to play with them and they will be left out. My parents didn't over when we played in the neighborhood and I thank God for it. Kids today are growing up too coddled, in my opinion.

That was a nice story. I noticed that you did you address the actual circumstances at hand.

When a kid is consistently interfering with the reasonable enjoyment by everyone around him [at a pool, at a school, at a restaurant, at church], why is it OK in civil society to tacitly encourage this? If the behavior falls short of poking out an eye ("dangerous behavior"), everyone else can just $#% themselves because that was the chance they took when they decided to walk out the door instead of holing up inside? Niiiice.

[Anonymous]

you didn't address the actual circumstances

[Anonymous]

"While I step in if my ADHD kid is bothering others, I am not going to do so if her obviously awkward or strange behavior is not disturbing others."

21:09, I so agree with you on this. But, what OP describes is behavior that IS bothering others and she knows it but thinks he should work it out. It's totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"While I step in if my ADHD kid is bothering others, I am not going to do so if her obviously awkward or strange behavior is not disturbing others."

21:09, I so agree with you on this. But, what OP describes is behavior that IS bothering others and she knows it but thinks he should work it out. It's totally different.

I agree with this too. My quirky 6 year old with ADHD embarrasses me to no end in the pool - everyone hears his loud garbled monologues about "interesting" subjects (last time it was cholesterol for goodness's sake!). But there's nothing I can do about that, even though it may be unusual therefore slightly uncomfortable for others to listen to.
On the other hand, I am hyper vigilant about physical play and screaming, because once he starts getting overexcited, it is very difficult for him to slow down and listen. So I swoop in as soon as I see the signs...

[Anonymous]

OP - I think some of the posts here are responding to your comment about "hyper vigilant parents". What you may see as hyper vigilance might simply be appropriate oversight by others. So, perhaps if you tone down your judgment of others you might feel a tad less judged.

At the pool, I am very cautious about my child's behavior cause lets face it people go to the pool to relax, to have fun. They don't want to be pushed, splashed or otherwise bothered unless it is by choice. So, my rule is no splashing unless the other kid says it is OK. No pushing ever. No running on the pool deck. Basically, obey the rules of the lifeguards. We don't hold onto anyone's neck in the water. No spray guys - it is just too challenging for him. If my kid wants a real water fight - we can do that at home with the hose and adults and kids who want that sort of play. Maybe when he learns the limit = we can bring those toys to the pool, but for now they stay home.

For every kid who needs rough play to get the wiggles out - there is a kid who really does not like it and is afraid of it.

Also - if you are confident about your parenting - you will feel less judged. So, intervene if your child is bothering others and otherwise parent as you see fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Last Child in the Woods? Basically, it says that parents need to stop hovering over their kids so much. Hovering leads to kids who can't solve problems for themselves, are afraid to be independent, and it makes kids feel incompetent. Unless my child is engaging in dangerous behavior when playing with other kids, I usually leave him alone. Boys need boisterous, physical play and parents need to chill a little. We parents won't always be around to referee every interaction and they need to learn the consequences of their behavior. If they play to rough or don't follow the rules of a game, other kids won't want to play with them and they will be left out. My parents didn't over when we played in the neighborhood and I thank God for it. Kids today are growing up too coddled, in my opinion.

I have actually read Last Child In the Woods, and it's interesting that this is what you took from it. It says that children need more unstructured play time outdoors, and more outdoor space that is unregulated while still being safe. It actually says that children need positive parental engagement and attention to model a safe and respectful interaction with nature, so that children learn to take calculated risks.

It says nothing sexist about boys "needing" boisterous physical play, nor does it say that children should be treated like mini-anarchists, inventing the rules of social engagement from scratch at every encounter. I really can't see how it applies to OP's situation except perhaps insofar as to suggest that her kid should be removed from the place where he's bothering other people into a space where he has more freedom to explore his senses and satisfy his curiosity (which is what she did).

On OP's larger point, though, I agree that I would not find her supervision to be enough if she's describing other kids having to tell him multiple times to stop splashing them when they go to the pool. She needs (in my opinion) to be more proactive and work on some ground rules, first and foremost not engaging in aggressive behavior toward kids you don't know or are not already playing with. Inviting someone to splash or charge around the pool with you is a skill that is important. I have no idea if my toddler is going to have ADHD, but there's a lot of it in my family so I'm very familiar with the type of 8 year old you're describing. You're not doing such a child any favors by excusing this type of behavior due to their impulsivity; they'll end up increasingly isolated as teenagers and young adults once the children grow older and have more freedom to choose to avoid being crashed into (or splashed or whatever) all the time. It's draining, and only family members are "stuck with" a person with ADHD and have to learn to live with it. Everyone else has the ability to choose to not engage, and that's often what happens when there hasn't been enough focus on learning to behave in socially acceptable ways (in my experience).

[Anonymous]

You're not doing such a child any favors by excusing this type of behavior due to their impulsivity; they'll end up increasingly isolated as teenagers and young adults once the children grow older and have more freedom to choose to avoid being crashed into (or splashed or whatever) all the time. It's draining, and only family members are "stuck with" a person with ADHD and have to learn to live with it. Everyone else has the ability to choose to not engage, and that's often what happens when there hasn't been enough focus on learning to behave in socially acceptable ways (in my experience).

amen, amen, amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Last Child in the Woods? Basically, it says that parents need to stop hovering over their kids so much. Hovering leads to kids who can't solve problems for themselves, are afraid to be independent, and it makes kids feel incompetent. Unless my child is engaging in dangerous behavior when playing with other kids, I usually leave him alone. Boys need boisterous, physical play and parents need to chill a little. We parents won't always be around to referee every interaction and they need to learn the consequences of their behavior. If they play to rough or don't follow the rules of a game, other kids won't want to play with them and they will be left out. My parents didn't over when we played in the neighborhood and I thank God for it. Kids today are growing up too coddled, in my opinion.

I think you are confusing "being in nature" with "state of nature." Yeah, let the kids play freely, I totally agree with that. but when they are in a social situation, they need to learn how to behave in socially appropriate ways, or they will eventually find themselves left out of social situations. And they aren't going to learn these things on their own, especially if they have ADHD.

I suspect you don't have a child with ADHD. You are referring to "kids today" (in a very simplistic way) but OP is writing about a child who is not like all kids. I would not consider it a good thing that my 8 year old is alone in the kiddie pool shooting water in the air.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm one of the earliest posters with two hard-to-manage boys and some sympathy for your plight. Your follow-up post makes it pretty clear at least to me that you and your son both handled things badly. An 8yo running wild with a spray gun at the neighborhood pool is just wrong, whatever the back story behind his behavior. You obviously knew it was wrong, but sequestering him in the baby pool, empty or not, was not a particularly constructive way to handle the situation. This isn't about letting boys be boys or enabling kids who are of an appropriate age to resolve their differences with one another. If your child really wanted to study the physics of water falling from the sky as he pumped the spray blaster, great - do it at home in your driveway or in the backyard or whereever you can find a spot to yourselves. Doing that in the middle of a public pool is just plain rude, and moving him to the baby pool isn't any better (he's not a baby, and those areas aren't supposed to be taken over by older kids whose parents don't/can't hold them to basic standards of consideration toward others .) It's a little absurd to paint yourself as the victim of "hyper vigilant parents" who don't understand your son's SN, and in the long run it's really unfair to your son to avoid helping him to learn how to regulate his own behavior and enforcing boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Part of parenting is teaching your children socially acceptable behavior. all kids need to learn this and some kids with SN need even more help in this area. If your son is oblivious to the fact that he is spraying kids with his water gun and that splashing people who don't want to be splashed is irritating - no amount of sitting back is going to help. Other kids are there to play - it isn't their responsibility to spend their time at the pool trying to teach your son how to play nicely.

I think there is a huge difference between between hyper vigilant and parenting in teachable moments. A non hypervigilent parent is not one who allows their child to harass, annoy and irritate other people. I agree with other posters - if the behavior isn't disruptive or impacting others then it is fine.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that my kid with apraxia (doesn't really talk much) adores the kids who monologue about cholesterol and other assorted little professor type subjects at the pool. She will gladly listen, laugh, and add a word or too ("Good!") and it helps her to talk...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- yes, 16:13 I would not have let my son in the baby pool if there were little kids there - it was empty and the issue in the big pool was that he was squirting a water shooter thing up in the air that was hitting other people occasionally (not intentional on his part) and was basically annoying them. I think he was completely oblivious at the time since he was focused more on watching the water go up and wasn't really aware of where it was coming down. I asked him to move to the baby pool since it was obvious to me that he was being a pain. Note to self -- make sure those water squirter things are NOT in the pool - not sure why people bring those anyway since it normally leads to problems.

Thanks 15:59 you have given me things to think about - I actually had addressed his prior splashing after he was told by the other kid to stop (this actually happened more than a few times this day at the pool). I guess I am at a loss over how over involved do I need to be in these situations -- at what point to intervene in an issue between my son and another child and at what point to let the kids sort it out themselves. With my younger kids, I feel like I really need to be right there on them but at 8, isn't there a point where parents need to back off a bit in these situations before getting involved? What I've observed at the pool among this age set is that they all splash eachother in fun and then it goes a little too far and one child will ask to not be splashed but then my son doesn't get that and it takes a few times for him to register to stop.

I think you do need to step in and explain how his actions are annoying others, its not fair to them, and that in a public space we have to be mindful of others and we can't always do everything we want when we want. I don't think that is being hyper vigilant - I think that is being a parent.

Next time you go to the pool, leave the squirt guns at home and if they are at the pool already, tell him they are off limits to him.

I do think that parents of ADHD kids become a somewhat immune to loud activity and voice levels over time and do let their kids get louder and rowdier than what would is socially tolerated before stepping in.

I do think that its ok for kids to be rowdier and louder but if the child doesn't present the ability to dial the behavior back on their own then the parent does need to step in (or some other adults). I have seen kids who are capable of calming down after a short time but some who just continue to amp up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is OK to step back a bot and let kids who already know each other, and are friends, "work it out" with each other by the time they are 8.

But it isn't OK to expect kids who are strangers to each other handle their differences, especially when one problem seems to be that your son doesn't stop when another kid tells him to stop.

By age 8, a child is expected to be able to stop splashing if another child tells him to. I gathe you are talking about playing a game of splashing each other in the pool. Many kids o this, it's fun -- but the rule needs to be stop when someone wants to stop.

if your child pushes the limits on this, you do need to hang aroun and enforce that rule. It is a VERY good rule to enforce, and teaching it and rewarding developing the skill of stopping when another kid has had enough will be very useful in MANY other circumstances.

Personally, since your child is 8, I would tell him very clearly that if another child or adult tells him to stop, and he doesn't, he's out of the pool for the next 15 minues. I'd also ell him to follow he other splashing rules posted earlier -- don't splash adults or little kids, even by accident more than once. To be sure he doesn't do this -- before he plays the splashing game, he needs to look around and see if he is in a crowded or empty place, in order to anticipate the likelihood of accidentally splashing someone else. It's a pain that you have to be on him like this, but again, helping him to anticipate the consequesces of his actions will only he a blessing for later on in life.