Leaving 15 yr old son alone w/ 12 yr old DD a lot this summer - is it ok?

[Anonymous]

Two or three years ago our DS and DD, who are 2.7 years apart, were playing truth or dare and ended up getting naked and lying on top of each other. Fortunately it didn't go any farther. Either my daughter or son or both told me about it. They were both really upset, embarrassed, and knew it was very wrong. They did both try to blame the other person for starting it. We had several long talks about it and I came down harder on my son because he is older. I think he was maybe 12 and she was 10. A few months ago she said that she occasionally thinks about it and it is still upsetting. I took her to a therapist to talk about it which made her feel somewhat better.

This summer I have made plans for all my children but there are some weeks when they will have more free time than others . I work full time and my DS is 15 so I leave them alone. They are too old for a sitter. Last summer we had this same arrangement and everything was fine. I am a little concerned about leaving them alone a lot. On one hand, I know they both understood it was wrong and I really don't think it will happen again. I've told my daughter to tell me if she feels uncomfortable in any way and I think she would. I do need to talk to my son and again make it clear that he is not to even make any references to anything sexual in any way, let alone ever touch her. I dread talking to him because it will bring up bad memories and make him feel bad again, but I need to for my own piece of mind. I need to be able to trust both of them and mostly I do, but when I hear these stories about abuse in families I get paranoid and wonder if I should not allow them to be home alone together, which logistically is pretty difficult. We also have a younger DC which often helps with the dynamics because they can each hang out with him. What are your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Given that they obviously have a somewhat unhealthy dynamic, I would really consider breaking up the times they are alone together. Even if it meams that you drop them off at the local library rather than leave them at home alone and bored. I would also be concerned about either of them having friends over without adult supervision.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. You know it is risky, and your gut tells you not to. Listen.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm not so sure it is risky. The therapist said that it was "kids experimenting" and there hasn't been any problems since it happened. I can try to somewhat limit their time alone but no time alone is probably unrealistic. Any suggestions about what I say to my DS and DD?

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstances would I leave them alone if that had already happened. You want to be told it is OK and a couple people have already chimed in expressing their reservations and saying that they don't think it is a good idea. You aren't hearing what you want to hear and your second post is rationalizing. You are the parent and you are putting the burden on your daughter to speak up if she feels uncomfortable...and you feel uncomfortable. And let me add this. What in the hell are you going to do if your kids have another kid over and something happens with that that kid? Because I can damn well predict that kid's parents will call the police and not a therapist. And don't respond with my kids know they aren't allowed to have anyone over when no parents are home. That is the first rule that gets broken. Seriously, wake up. And if you want to be told what you want to hear, don't ask me.

[Anonymous]

Don't leave them alone. You obviously have big reservations about it.

I also feel you're being disproportionately hard on the older child. Was it a clear case of molestation by the older child or was it two kids exploring each other, as the therapist said? Not saying it was right or that they should be left alone together, but for how long will you beat him up for it? Will this follow them into their relationships in adulthood?

[Anonymous]

Wow! Did you get your DD therapy too? I have kids the same age and they aren't even remotely into anything sexual with other children, much less their siblings! I don't think the therapist was right that it was "kids experimenting." Sexual curiosity in younger ages is one thing but at least the 12 year old knew better. Plus the fact that your DD has residual issues leads me to believe this was a bigger issue than you realized.

I would not leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Find some camps. Preferably at a church.

[Anonymous]

Ok, thank you for the input. I will schedule their summers so they are alone together as little as possible. I asked my DS if he wanted to talk to a therapist and he said no. Should I make him go anyway? I don't want to keep bringing it up and not allow them to put it in the past but I also don't want them to have unresolved issues about it that they should/need to talk about.

[Anonymous]

yes, take DS to therapy. That DD was willing to go, and then did go, but DS hasn't gone, and, moreover, says he doesn't want to go, raises some warning flags. By all means, take DS to a very well-qualified therapist asap.

[Anonymous]

Well at 12 your DS was likely more impulsive than he is at 15. Unless you know something specific in his background that would lead him to act out towards younger kids, then I would start to let it go as something he did that was a mistake.

if this was the only incident like this and it was just the situation you described and it never went further, I would wonder why years later your DD is still needing therapy for the incident and feeling so terrible about it considering she was only 10 and clearly wouldn't have been responsible for what happened.

I would ask your DD how she feels about staying alone with him so much.

[Anonymous]

Op here -she said she is fine with being alone with him.

[Anonymous]

Oh my.

[Anonymous]

I have a somewhat similar situation with a neighbor. The end result is that I end up babysitting.
Actually I have arranged my 12 y.o. dd's summer so that the neighbors kid will not be able to spend her days at my house.
I do not let my dd have sleepovers at her house anymore. The older sibling brings in friends and I do not know what is going on and I know the mother does not know what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. You know it is risky, and your gut tells you not to. Listen.

Agree - do camps, whatever, but do not leave them alone together.