Leaving 15 yr old son alone w/ 12 yr old DD a lot this summer - is it ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. You know it is risky, and your gut tells you not to. Listen.

I agree. I would be sure not to leave them alone together for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

I will err on the side of caution but it is upsetting that I feel like I can't leave them alone. I really do think it was a one time thing and they learned their lesson and deeply regretted it. I'm just not willing to risk putting my daughter in a bad situation even if there is a .05 percent chance.

[Anonymous]

DON'T DO THIS, PLEASE, PLEASE. Girls tend to just go along with scenarios like this and get abused by their brothers or male relatives. I am wondering if there is some question in the family about the parentage of these kids because the incest taboo is usually EXTREMELY strong against this. Unless the kids have some instinct that they are not full brother/sister...either way--do not even allow them really any unsupervised time alone until your daughter is closer to 18.

[Anonymous]

Pp I will try to not let them be alone but it's pretty tough.
Do you think it's possible that it was a one time playing around that went too far and it won't happen again? I will still be careful but I don't want to obsess about it and make it constantly my overriding thought. I also don't want them to think about it.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I think it is odd that you cannot remember who told you about it. That is huge. Have you done therapy?

I would not leave them alone this summer.

And I would get into therapy, for not remembering who told you this -- you don't remember how you handled the discussion with the other sibling, how you broached it with your daughter or your son, they'd be such different conversations -- and also for wanting to risk leaving them alone this summer.

[Anonymous]

P.S. 16:55 here. I should add that my best friend's older brother used to terrorize me when I'd play with her, stand naked in his bedroom door between the cracks. It was creepy. Another friend's older brother put his hands down my pants. Sorry, crazy stuff happens. I'd err on the side of caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp I will try to not let them be alone but it's pretty tough.
Do you think it's possible that it was a one time playing around that went too far and it won't happen again? I will still be careful but I don't want to obsess about it and make it constantly my overriding thought. I also don't want them to think about it.

I think it's quite possible that it was a one time thing and it won't happen again.

However, I also think that as parents we need to take precautions against things that are unlikely but possible, and if it's happened once it can happen again.

I think it's quite possible my kid can play ice hockey without a helmet and not get hurt. I think it's quite possible I can drive my toddler to Aldi's and not get in an accident. But I still insist on the helmet and the carseat.

If you can't afford a whole summer of camps (I know I can't) could you put your kids in alternate days or weeks or times? For example, there are plenty of 1/2 day program, could you find your DS and am program and your DD a pm program or vice versa? Could you find your DD a mother's helper job? Could you sign them up for the pool, where they can hang out together in a more public setting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thank you for the input. I will schedule their summers so they are alone together as little as possible. I asked my DS if he wanted to talk to a therapist and he said no. Should I make him go anyway? I don't want to keep bringing it up and not allow them to put it in the past but I also don't want them to have unresolved issues about it that they should/need to talk about.

He needs help and you are in denial. 12 years old laying naked on a girl? His 10 year old sister not a 12-16 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will err on the side of caution but it is upsetting that I feel like I can't leave them alone. I really do think it was a one time thing and they learned their lesson and deeply regretted it. I'm just not willing to risk putting my daughter in a bad situation even if there is a .05 percent chance.

I understand what you are saying, but even if it was a one-time thing, it is not normal for it to have happened. Something precipitated it, and whatever that something was could arise again.

That is what would worry me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I think it is odd that you cannot remember who told you about it. That is huge. Have you done therapy?

I would not leave them alone this summer.

And I would get into therapy, for not remembering who told you this -- you don't remember how you handled the discussion with the other sibling, how you broached it with your daughter or your son, they'd be such different conversations -- and also for wanting to risk leaving them alone this summer.

They both told me about it. I do remember the multiple, extensive conversations I had with both of them. My DS was so embarrassed and humiliated that he hid behind a pillow. I made them both tell me exactly what happened. I don't want to risk leaving them alone this summer and I said that I would do my best to schedule activities foe them so they are not alone together. Do you have older children? I go to the supermarket, I run errands etc and it's hard to always be thinking about not leaving them alone together.

[Anonymous]

Together? They came to you together? The way you wrote your original post, you indicated either your son or your daughter told you, as if you hadn't remember.

Running out for an hour is one thing, leaving them alone on summer days for eight or nine hours another.

I have an only child, a high schooler, I empathize.

[Anonymous]

I didn't say they told me at the same time. I said they both told me. My daughter told me first and then my son. Thank you for emphathizing. This is very painful and agonizing. I also don't know how big a deal to make it. I took my DD to a very well respected psychiatrist and she seemed to think it was kids experimenting and not to make a huge deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will err on the side of caution but it is upsetting that I feel like I can't leave them alone. I really do think it was a one time thing and they learned their lesson and deeply regretted it. I'm just not willing to risk putting my daughter in a bad situation even if there is a .05 percent chance.

I understand what you are saying, but even if it was a one-time thing, it is not normal for it to have happened. Something precipitated it, and whatever that something was could arise again.

That is what would worry me.

It is actually very normal and most often it isn't because someone had done this to them, or they saw it in a movie, it's because hormones are on the rise about that age. I remember a little bit of experimentation at about that age and it didn't mean a thing. It never happened again, it never felt like one of us had more power than the other, so it wasn't as if one of us was molested. I was the younger one involved and it was definitely an equal mistake.

I honestly don't think you have much to worry about and I believe the therapist was spot on. As they had both come forward I would trust that it wasn't going to happen again. They both expressed embarrassment and regret and they probably won't ever do it again. Now, if one child had said the other had over powered him/her, then no, I wouldn't leave them together.

[Anonymous]

It seems a bit like the older child (who is only two years older) is being unfairly demonized.

[Anonymous]

^Was only two years old at the time, as per the OP.