Redefining "worth" after young and attractive ends

[Anonymous]

I am 29 and have two young kids. I think I'm realizing that I placed a lot of my self-worth on being young and attractive and now that I am not so young and perhaps not so attractive anymore (I mean, most times I think I look great considering, but I'm certainly not turning young guys heads), I am struggling to discover my worth and my place in the world. I was in a wedding this past weekend, and I was paired with one of the groomsman who was a single 23yo and I could just tell that he was not psyched to be my partner and it made me feel so awful and old and just confused.

I want to be one of those women who ages gracefully and who feels better in their 30s than they did in their 20s, but I don't feel comfortable in my body, I have no idea how to dress, or what to do to feel good about my self and who I am.

Can anyone identify? How do you "define" and carry yourself and measure your worth now that you are a mom and/or an older woman?

[Anonymous]

First of all you started wrong. If you thought that you were worth because you were beautiful you're damned.

I found that out when I was 18 and lost a lot of weight. I was depressed to find out people wanted to be with me just because I was hot. When I was ugly and fat my friends were true friends because they loved me for who I was inside.

I struggled all my 20's to find a guy who would treasure me for what I was inside. I found DH when I was 28. Now, at 31 and after a major physical changes because of childbirth and meds for autoimmune recently diagnosed I'm glad to know the person I have with me is there because he loves me in the inside.

Change your focus and you might find your answer.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. You're just getting started.

[Anonymous]

"Oh honey. You're just getting started."

LOL!

Damn, I'm almost 42 and still think I'm young and attractive. Have to work for it, though.

[Anonymous]

OP here - just getting started? you mean most women go through this or what? To the first poster - I totally recognize that my focus needs to change...the question is to what?

[Anonymous]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm 29 and 6 months pp and I am coming to grips with how I feel like I've aged 10 years in 6 months. DH tells me wonderful things about how I look, but I want to be able to like what I see in the mirror again.

I don't have an answer for how to reevaluate your self-worth, but just want to let you know that others feel the same way, and there's nothing wrong with that (despite what pp implies).

[Anonymous]

It's all the eye of the beholder. Who wants to look hot to a 23 yr old? Yuck! You'll certainly look hot to men in their 30's and 40's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - just getting started? you mean most women go through this or what? To the first poster - I totally recognize that my focus needs to change...the question is to what?

Brains, talent, character, values?

[Anonymous]

OP-I can relate. Although DH still thinks I beautiful and tells me so all the time, I definitely don't feel that great about myself anymore I used to be a size 0 or 2. Twenty year old college students used to hit on me when I was in graduate school-a year ago! Now since DC #2 was born, I feel so frumpy, old and fat. I need a new wardrobe and a personal trainer.

[Anonymous]

I realized this when I was still young and attractive - but married. It was my first wedding after being married and I was not much younger than you but I didn't have kids yet, so still did feel pretty young and attractive, and my husband was also in the wedding party. He was of course welcomed by the rest of the groom's childhood friends because he was one of the guys, but they ignored me knowing I was attached. It was just different than a few years ago when I was "more" single.

But really I noticed this as soon as my husband and I started seriously dating in our early 20s. Guys view you differently and I found it harder to find meaningful guy friends.

Really, it's just a part of growing up. It's not that you are less attractive (in fact I feel at 35 more put together in some ways) it's that people are seeing you differently. You are not as carefree, you are attached, and if you are a mom, well, there is that. Getting older bothers me more because I know I will miss that energy and being able to recover from things quicker, but the turning heads part - there was a time and a place for that. I did that plenty in high school and college and those first few years after. It's over now and I'm much more accomplished in other areas of my life. I'm WAY more confident, assertive, have an actual career, and a family etc. It's just a different stage.

[Anonymous]

The 23-yr old probably wasn't excited about being "paired" with you because he knew that a mom of two is not going to be a one-night stand for him. You could have been the hottest woman in the room and he would not have been excited.

I can't say I really relate though, because I've always lacked self-confidence in my looks. I've become more confident in my body and better at making flattering choices as I've gotten older.

So start with some building up your confidence on why people might like you without regards to your looks. Kind, funny, really good at tennis? Dependable employee? Innovative? Good problem solver? Well-read?

Then work on finding the time to get enough sleep and tend to yourself (being a mom to young children is draining).

Then work on looking put-together. There's a long thread on that elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I think we all have an adjustment period after we have kids. I remember walking home from the park very early morning with my (at the time) young baby and there was a dog that was being a bit menacing and barking. I was scared to pass. A very attractive guy in my neighborhood (someone I didn't know) happened to poke his head out his front door. And I looked terrible. The guy sized up the situation and went back inside. The guy wanted NOTHING to do with me. It was an eye opening moment for me. I realized what I must have looked like. Cute guy sees haggy lady with baby dealing with barking dog...no thanks. Kind of an ego bust.

We've all been there.

I think the key thing is you have to be happy with where you are in life. I had my 20s to be cute and attractive and flirt with guys. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me for who I am. And vice versa. I am incredibly grateful for my current life. I liked my old life. But I wouldn't go back. So focus on your relationships and all the good things in your life right now. Is kids and a DH what you wanted? Are you happy with your DH? Are there other things going on? Ask these questions of yourself and be willing to answer them. I think that's the only way you will find long-term peace.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I guess that's the benefit of never being "hot," I don't define myself by what others think. Who cares if some random 23-year old doesn't hit on you? You need to learn to feel good about yourself because of how you see yourself, not how you might look to other people. Who knows, maybe your wedding partner was intimidated by being paired with a hot older chick?

Define yourself and your self-worth by what you accomplish and contribute to the world, not by how you look. Otherwise you'll never be truly happy and always be searching for a way to look better, which is really just sad.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. The groomsman saw a married mom...why would he be psyched? And I'm guessing that most if the time you are out and about with your kids, so young guys aren't necessarily going to be checking you out. I guess I'm going through something similar, but I'm 40! I didn't even meet DH until I was 29 and I considered myself young and hot at the time! 29 is still very YOUNG, which us what PP meant when she said you're just getting started. If you're old, I'm ancient!

[Anonymous]

I'm almost 40, a little overweight, a couple of kids, and married. No single groomsman wants me for a date but I still get hit on in bars by guys in their 20s/30s who haven't looked too closely at my wrinkles!

I value myself for many reasons. But I'll be sad when men stop noticing me on the street, I know.