I can’t do this anymore. I think I am having a mental meltdown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, just stop! Oftentimes there are unwarranted and unfair attacks on SAH parents on this board, but this is not one of them.

WAH full-time in quarantine is fine, easy even.
SAHP/ schooling kids in quarantine is fine, enjoyable even.
Doing both is hellish and exhausting. I know, because I did it for 2.5+ months.
We recently hired a nanny who works 3-4 days, and I am juggling leave to basically be "off" with the kids the other 1-2 days. Guess what? EASY. FUN!

It's not staying at home in quarantine with the kids that is hard. It is working 40-60 hours full-time while doing so that is miserable.

I’m not a SAHM. I am a child psychiatrist who took some time off during my fellowship when my child had leukemia and everyone told me that it would be the death of my career, that I was going to cause the entire fellowship to go under, etc etc.
It didn’t happen. My career is fine.
And when this happened, I handed over some of my groups and things to colleagues whose spouses were out of work, and I only manage meds. Also, not the death of my career.
I have had close friends tell me that part time work is never possible in their field, that no one will hire them again if they quit, etc. then something happens that forces the issue, and it’s fine.

If I had a guess, most likely scenario for most of the women on this board...If you went in to quit, your boss would work with you to make it work. As someone said earlier in this thread, no one wants to interview, hire, and train someone new in the middle of a pandemic.

Stand up for yourself. Don’t get to the point you are having a breakdown before you decide to make a change.

I hope your child is doing well now! Your situation is different though - imagine if your whole team had children with leukemia. There is no one who can pick up the slack in my office. All five of us have children at home without childcare. Our spouses also work - some are essential workers still going into work in person. I hired a nanny because I could not continue to do it on my own.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I will do what's best for the overall health and safety of my family. If that means we continue to shelter-in-place, then so be it. My kids go outside and play every day. They sometimes play at a distance with other kids. My older kid connects with friends online. I took my kids to the park on Monday, but we kept our distance from other people. This isn't an all or nothing situation, and it never really was. You just have to be mindful, careful, and minimize people contact at this junction. It won't last forever. Yes, its very, very challenging teleworking, being tech support, teaching kids, and trying to make sure assignments are turned in, particularly when teachers are vague, but it is what is for now. I haven't been 100% successful and I dare anyone at work or school to complain about it. I am doing my best.

+ 1

I thinnk people who are having mental breakdowns are the ones who were not very involved parents even before COVID. I think the pandemic has made it clear how dysfunctional many families were. That is the reason child abuse and domestic violence has increased to. Earlier people could escape outside the home. Now we are at home and if it is not a haven then everything falls apart.

It is not an all or nothing situation. People are being creative and kids are also playing outside, studying and connecting with friends online. Is your house is a bit messier? Are the chores not done? Have you not been folding clothes after doing laundry? Yes. For most of us all of this is happening and these are minor inconveninces. There are a lot of benefits of staying at home too - kids being able to sleep in duing the week, No commute, Being with family, leisurely pace of school work, no running from one EC to another...these are all benefits that evens out the drawbacks.

Wait what? Are you saying that if you’re having a hard time now that means your family was already dysfunctional or you were a checked out parent? That’s ludicrous.

DP here. Yes, I think parents who were super hands off/checked out before or outsourced at ton of things are struggling more now. I am SAHM whose husband works a regular 40 hour/week job. We didn't outsource cleaning or have childcare beyond an occasional date night. This hasn't really been that much of an adjustment for us other than everyone missing friends, which is a little better now that we are seeing people outdoors.

I have a different take. I think the parents who were very controlling before, such that their kids didn't have unapproved interactions and who already limited playdates, no exposure to babysitters, no group camps, etc., are not struggling. This is their dream, in fact -- they can isolate and control their kids even more.

This is sooooo spot on! Now the controlling parents are even more emboldened than they were before, and now they can judge everyone else. It really is about control. I sense a lot of anxious kids in our future.

No sweetie, good parents probably avoided letting their kids play with yours because they can spot negligent parents and poorly bought up children. Functional families have a way to make things work. If you have not lost your job and are in good health, then this pandemic is nothing that cannot be endured with grace. People are freaking out because they have to feed the kids or keep the house clean or educate them, even though they are working from home and can take out time to post on DCUM. It is lack of planning and organization that has made these parents into failures. Many parents are lacking in adulting skills like cooking, cleaning, teaching elementary school kids or even knowing how to parent. Many parents are drinking, being neglectful and being unhappy because they want someone else to be with their children.

They are having a MENTAL MELTDOWN. Well, there is probably going to be another 18 months of this stuff.

Imagine having a 40+ hour a week job on top of whatever it is you do. This is why I say, SAHMs should probably step back and let the grownups talk about grownup topics.

Then quit, take a leave of absence, or find childcare.
It’s hardly the fault of some SAHM that you can’t manage your life.

I have childcare (a nanny). I am living my best life right now. But I know many people whose kids were in daycare, and it’s tough to interview or trust a new nanny right now. Or some people have SN school-age kids and it’s hard to manage them while working. Anyone with two brain cells can understand that there are tough situations that don’t arise out of dysfunctional families. Anyone who doesn’t (like this SAHM) should probably stop participating in discussions above their level of understanding.

+1

The SAHM's inability to empathize is disturbing.

Sorry, but if you are a superwoman WOHM who does everything a SAHM normally does and kills it at work too, then this should be a piece of cake, no?

You are a smart woman and can fix your life. You cannot have a mental meltdown because you are now doing what women around the world do every day. Get up early to finish cooking for the day. Clean in small spurts during the day. If you are efficient at your work then you have a lot of time at home. You are saving on commute time. You also have the weekend to be organized. Get in the habit of spending time with your kids. You gave birth to the children, then why expect someone else to spend time with them? Buck up. You can do it all and do it better than SAHMs.

Sigh. This argument is so tiring. You want to know why? BECAUSE MY KIDS USED TO BE IN SCHOOL FROM 8-3. Honestly it's not really worth even responding to you people because you're so dense.

I haven't asked for help, I am not having problems cooking three meals a day for my family (also because my husband does at least half of them), nor am I having trouble keeping my house clean (my husband also does that), and I am a super organized person. I also spending time with my children but again, since you seem incapable of very basic logic - they did not used to be in the house all day while I worked.

Also, I never said I was a superwoman and I never said I was having a mental breakdown. My problem was with the flippant attitude of the SAHM whose answer is that someone should just quit their job.

[Anonymous]

For those struggling, I broke down. I came to terms with what’s next and developed a plan. I’m now focused on summer and we will take it from there. I figured out a psychological plan and ways to make the days incrementally better. Get therapy if you need to, this is really hard. For those who say it’s not, good for them but that’s not most of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those struggling, I broke down. I came to terms with what’s next and developed a plan. I’m now focused on summer and we will take it from there. I figured out a psychological plan and ways to make the days incrementally better. Get therapy if you need to, this is really hard. For those who say it’s not, good for them but that’s not most of us.

Thanks for the encouragement. I’m having a really hard time and I’m a stay at home mom, so haven’t posted here to get support as I assume I’ll be criticized. I’m on meds and in therapy but this just feels too hard. Kids 1 and 3, oldest was previously in preschool. DH doesn’t understand why this is so hard for me. I don’t know what else I can do to make the days better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those struggling, I broke down. I came to terms with what’s next and developed a plan. I’m now focused on summer and we will take it from there. I figured out a psychological plan and ways to make the days incrementally better. Get therapy if you need to, this is really hard. For those who say it’s not, good for them but that’s not most of us.

Thanks for the encouragement. I’m having a really hard time and I’m a stay at home mom, so haven’t posted here to get support as I assume I’ll be criticized. I’m on meds and in therapy but this just feels too hard. Kids 1 and 3, oldest was previously in preschool. DH doesn’t understand why this is so hard for me. I don’t know what else I can do to make the days better.

I’m sorry PP. There can be viciousness one here. I’m a working mom, but I have kids with a similar age gap and the 1 and 3 year old stage is HARD. I can’t imagine being stuck at home with them at that age without preschool, play dates, parks, etc. I’m glad you’re on meds and in therapy, and I hope your DH is giving you some breaks in the evening and weekends.

Also, it gets better. Mine are 5 and almost 3 now and we are DONE with (daytime) diapers, they can both verbally communicate with me, and they can actually play together (sometimes). Plus they have the attention span for a Disney movie.

Just hang in there!

[Anonymous]

are you in VA? They are talking about school one day a week in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Most super capable SAHMs I know we're the super capable WOHMs who were proactive and had a plan.

[Anonymous]

I am not impressed with daycare and schools opening. The pandemic has not gone away and I won't risk my family's health. If the house is a bit messy then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not impressed with daycare and schools opening. The pandemic has not gone away and I won't risk my family's health. If the house is a bit messy then so be it.

What? The mess isn't the problem. Trying to do my work and watch my children is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, just stop! Oftentimes there are unwarranted and unfair attacks on SAH parents on this board, but this is not one of them.

WAH full-time in quarantine is fine, easy even.
SAHP/ schooling kids in quarantine is fine, enjoyable even.
Doing both is hellish and exhausting. I know, because I did it for 2.5+ months.
We recently hired a nanny who works 3-4 days, and I am juggling leave to basically be "off" with the kids the other 1-2 days. Guess what? EASY. FUN!

It's not staying at home in quarantine with the kids that is hard. It is working 40-60 hours full-time while doing so that is miserable.

I’m not a SAHM. I am a child psychiatrist who took some time off during my fellowship when my child had leukemia and everyone told me that it would be the death of my career, that I was going to cause the entire fellowship to go under, etc etc.
It didn’t happen. My career is fine.
And when this happened, I handed over some of my groups and things to colleagues whose spouses were out of work, and I only manage meds. Also, not the death of my career.
I have had close friends tell me that part time work is never possible in their field, that no one will hire them again if they quit, etc. then something happens that forces the issue, and it’s fine.

If I had a guess, most likely scenario for most of the women on this board...If you went in to quit, your boss would work with you to make it work. As someone said earlier in this thread, no one wants to interview, hire, and train someone new in the middle of a pandemic.

Stand up for yourself. Don’t get to the point you are having a breakdown before you decide to make a change.

I understand your point but you are coming from a place of great privilege if you think most women can just quit their jobs. We have no social safety net here. The current policy is just to let the people who can’t afford to stay home risk their health. Not everyone has choices and they are not trying to make it so that people do.

I will not quit, for financial reasons and professional ones. Tenured faculty in my field can’t just walk off their jobs and get rehired in the same city when they want to come back. It doesn’t work like that. There are plenty of professions where the on and off ramps just aren’t there. If you worked in one you would definitely know it. Glad things worked out for you, but that doesn’t mean your advice is broadly relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not impressed with daycare and schools opening. The pandemic has not gone away and I won't risk my family's health. If the house is a bit messy then so be it.

What? The mess isn't the problem. Trying to do my work and watch my children is the problem.

Hahahahahahahaha. Love the SAHMs who think the only problem now is a messy house. Do yourselves a favor and just stop with your ridiculousness.