Go ahead and vent about your in-laws here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to vent about "low key holidays". My inlaws have an extremely laid back, low key Christmas. They serve snacks and appetizers and have an open house for everyone to visit from 7-1am. They love it because all their friends come and drink. Their parents and siblings/cousins no longer come because they are with family. I feel like I'm held hostage by their stupid laid back holiday. I want a real meal. I want to be surrounded by family, not their friends. I don't get why they can't have their friends party the weekend before Christmas like everyone else. I want my kids to have fond memories of Christmas Eve and I want it to be about them. Instead we put them to bed before it even starts. Everyone is hung over on Christmas and no food appears all day (hence their low key holiday). We open presents around noon after dh's siblings wake. My kids are hungry and want to open presents. I want to stay home if they aren't making a big deal about Christmas or letting kids open presents at the crack of dawn. I want an over the top amazing holiday. I hate how dh goes along with it every year. I feel like my kids are short changed. Oh yeah and we all sleep on the floor.

Yep I get it. I'm an evil DIL and a doormat.

You aren't evil, but you are 100% a doormat. If you don't like their plans, MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS. Tell DH that you want next Christmas to be your kids waking up in their own beds, and that's it. They can still go to the Christmas Eve open house for a bit, then come home and have Christmas morning at home, with a big breakfast. Back to ILs for "low-key" dinner. Figure something out. Engineer things a little. Take ownership of your choices, or stop complaining.

We don't live near them. And there is no Christmas meal whatseover. It's leftover appetizers. My kids are to young to appear at the party

So don't go. Issue them a standing invitation that they can visit you any time between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

Dh won't let us. We have to go. I've tried. Ive even tried going to counseling

My dear, you haven't figured out that the game in life is to have more willpower than the rest? Even your loved ones? The whimpy parents who complain about their teens in the Teen forum have the same problem - they don't get that they need to be more consistent and persevere more than their kids. Same for bratty toddlers, same for sabotaging spouses, same for self-interested in-laws.

I have a husband and son with mental health disorders. Believe me, I've had to fight and persevere to get what I want for them and for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Once again the issue is not choosing a different way to go about things. It's not being up front about that so a family member can decide whether or not they want to forgo the holiday dinner they've been looking forward to all year.

If you're not a fan of Thanksgiving and you're not going to serve the regulars then why on earth are you hosting?

It honestly sounds like you're privately happy about pulling a bait and switch on them to give them a spiel about the untold problematic aspects of Thanksgiving. And if they're generally nice and polite people then that's just a di@k move.

I say that as a very liberal and progressive person. You don't have to ruin people's holidays by springing surprises on them in order to spread awareness.

Keep seeing this. Seriously. Are there really people who are waiting a whole year to eat turkey and mashed potatoes??? If they like the meal so much what prevents people from making these dishes other times, not wait 364 days?? I don't get it. Honestly, I don't get this holiday in general, but the whole "waiting for a whole year" for this meal is beyond me. I always thought it was about spending quality time with the family. But what do I know, I am an immigrant, who has been living here for 17 years, still not get it.

I agree... cook it for yourself another day, it's not even that good!

You guys not getting it doesn't make it not true that this is how most people feel. A lot of things you eat at Thanksgiving are collective family dishes that are the specialties of the people who make them. All these foods trigger memories of years gone by, it is not just food. And for whatever it's worth there are a lot of families, especially immigrant families, where the foods that trigger these feelings are totally different and not the standard fare but I assume if they invite someone they make that clear. My friends in that boat did.

And frankly, it's a fattening glut fest. I will not make stuffing, green bean casserole, creamed onions and pumpkin pie 10 times a year. I'd weigh 1000 pounds. But once a year I can indulge. I can indulge and remember running wild with my cousins waiting for our favorite apps and a giant pile of stuffing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL always acts like she's the hostess even when she's just a guest. Especially at my house.

"Tim, there's coffee." (Yes, coffee I made, in my home, and Tim has two eyes and a nose and can already tell that there is coffee.)

"Everyone, go to the table and we'll say the prayer." (Actually, my husband is trying to round people up to the living room and has a plan of something that will make everyone more comfortable--not everyone in our family/friend group is of the same religion/or believes in a higher power.)

"Let's start cutting the pies" (actually, we prefer to wait at least an hour to get a head start on the dishes and give people a little time to digest and get ready for the dessert phase)

DH finally a few years ago asked her to move out of my seat at the end of the table. She always sat opposite him until finally he said, "Mom, that's Anna's seat."

I told my own mother that if she sat my BIL at the head of the table in my house again, she would be celebrating on the front porch alone. My husband sits at the head of the table in my house. I sit at the other end or my father does.

Who cares!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Once again the issue is not choosing a different way to go about things. It's not being up front about that so a family member can decide whether or not they want to forgo the holiday dinner they've been looking forward to all year.

If you're not a fan of Thanksgiving and you're not going to serve the regulars then why on earth are you hosting?

It honestly sounds like you're privately happy about pulling a bait and switch on them to give them a spiel about the untold problematic aspects of Thanksgiving. And if they're generally nice and polite people then that's just a di@k move.

I say that as a very liberal and progressive person. You don't have to ruin people's holidays by springing surprises on them in order to spread awareness.

Keep seeing this. Seriously. Are there really people who are waiting a whole year to eat turkey and mashed potatoes??? If they like the meal so much what prevents people from making these dishes other times, not wait 364 days?? I don't get it. Honestly, I don't get this holiday in general, but the whole "waiting for a whole year" for this meal is beyond me. I always thought it was about spending quality time with the family. But what do I know, I am an immigrant, who has been living here for 17 years, still not get it.

I agree... cook it for yourself another day, it's not even that good!

You guys not getting it doesn't make it not true that this is how most people feel. A lot of things you eat at Thanksgiving are collective family dishes that are the specialties of the people who make them. All these foods trigger memories of years gone by, it is not just food. And for whatever it's worth there are a lot of families, especially immigrant families, where the foods that trigger these feelings are totally different and not the standard fare but I assume if they invite someone they make that clear. My friends in that boat did.

And frankly, it's a fattening glut fest. I will not make stuffing, green bean casserole, creamed onions and pumpkin pie 10 times a year. I'd weigh 1000 pounds. But once a year I can indulge. I can indulge and remember running wild with my cousins waiting for our favorite apps and a giant pile of stuffing.

If you're going to someone else's Thanksgiving dinner (ie, not someone in your family) it's already going to be different from what you grew up with. Deal with it.

I'm as American as anyone else and I never heard of green bean casserole until I was an adult. Still have never had it. My family has always served turkey, stuffing, roasted potatoes or sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and either corn muffins or cranberry bread, and that's it. No gravy, no green beans, etc. My husband's family starts Thanksgiving with matzoh ball soup and chopped liver and then moves on to the turkey etc, but still no casseroles. Yeah, I found it weird the first few times -- who the heck eats matzoh ball soup except on Passover and Rosh Hashanah? -- but it's not a big deal. If I went to a friend's house and they served lasagna or pho or grouse, I'd eat it and be thankful to be with loving friends or family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to vent about "low key holidays". My inlaws have an extremely laid back, low key Christmas. They serve snacks and appetizers and have an open house for everyone to visit from 7-1am. They love it because all their friends come and drink. Their parents and siblings/cousins no longer come because they are with family. I feel like I'm held hostage by their stupid laid back holiday. I want a real meal. I want to be surrounded by family, not their friends. I don't get why they can't have their friends party the weekend before Christmas like everyone else. I want my kids to have fond memories of Christmas Eve and I want it to be about them. Instead we put them to bed before it even starts. Everyone is hung over on Christmas and no food appears all day (hence their low key holiday). We open presents around noon after dh's siblings wake. My kids are hungry and want to open presents. I want to stay home if they aren't making a big deal about Christmas or letting kids open presents at the crack of dawn. I want an over the top amazing holiday. I hate how dh goes along with it every year. I feel like my kids are short changed. Oh yeah and we all sleep on the floor.

Yep I get it. I'm an evil DIL and a doormat.

You aren't evil, but you are 100% a doormat. If you don't like their plans, MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS. Tell DH that you want next Christmas to be your kids waking up in their own beds, and that's it. They can still go to the Christmas Eve open house for a bit, then come home and have Christmas morning at home, with a big breakfast. Back to ILs for "low-key" dinner. Figure something out. Engineer things a little. Take ownership of your choices, or stop complaining.

We don't live near them. And there is no Christmas meal whatseover. It's leftover appetizers. My kids are to young to appear at the party

So don't go. Issue them a standing invitation that they can visit you any time between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

Dh won't let us. We have to go. I've tried. Ive even tried going to counseling

OMG. I assume you are an adult and your dh doesn't have a gun to your head. Don't go and don't let him take the kids. You do your own Christmas your way. Your dh is clearly pig headed and walks all over you . Do Not Go.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'm all for spending holidays with the family but no way would I bring my kids to what amounts to an adult drinking party.

I would stay at home or I would go to a relative's house that had a more traditional style Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to vent about "low key holidays". My inlaws have an extremely laid back, low key Christmas. They serve snacks and appetizers and have an open house for everyone to visit from 7-1am. They love it because all their friends come and drink. Their parents and siblings/cousins no longer come because they are with family. I feel like I'm held hostage by their stupid laid back holiday. I want a real meal. I want to be surrounded by family, not their friends. I don't get why they can't have their friends party the weekend before Christmas like everyone else. I want my kids to have fond memories of Christmas Eve and I want it to be about them. Instead we put them to bed before it even starts. Everyone is hung over on Christmas and no food appears all day (hence their low key holiday). We open presents around noon after dh's siblings wake. My kids are hungry and want to open presents. I want to stay home if they aren't making a big deal about Christmas or letting kids open presents at the crack of dawn. I want an over the top amazing holiday. I hate how dh goes along with it every year. I feel like my kids are short changed. Oh yeah and we all sleep on the floor.

Yep I get it. I'm an evil DIL and a doormat.

You aren't evil, but you are 100% a doormat. If you don't like their plans, MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS. Tell DH that you want next Christmas to be your kids waking up in their own beds, and that's it. They can still go to the Christmas Eve open house for a bit, then come home and have Christmas morning at home, with a big breakfast. Back to ILs for "low-key" dinner. Figure something out. Engineer things a little. Take ownership of your choices, or stop complaining.

We don't live near them. And there is no Christmas meal whatseover. It's leftover appetizers. My kids are to young to appear at the party

So don't go. Issue them a standing invitation that they can visit you any time between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

Dh won't let us. We have to go. I've tried. Ive even tried going to counseling

OP, I get it. But there are things you can still insist on. Making the kids wait until hungover adults get up is ridiculous. I grew up with a similar Christmas Eve party and my grandparents and honestly I loved it. Tons of people, Christmas music, etc. Us kids would sneak out of bed and watch through the railings...good memories. BUT. On Christmas morning, we opened our gifts. My parents’ rule was we had to get them up first, but they got up. Everyone else got a 10-minute warning: the kids are awake and we’re about to open their presents from Santa. If you want to watch, now’s the time to get up. If the grandparents and aunts/uncles don’t want to - fine. But the kids don’t have to wait on them. Honestly, if this day is so low-key, everyone can get up early with the kids for presents and breakfast, and then go take naps. Find compromises with your DH. His parents don’t get to dictate every single thing through him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

My SIL does not wash her hands after she pees (we've been in a public restroom together and she doesn't wash her hands or use hand sanitizer) nor does she wash her hands when she cooks. I just don't eat her food. Nope nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

How about instead of being passive-aggressive, ask her nicely to please wash her hands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

I’m the first poster you are responding to, and of course I wash my hands. My kitchen and food prep habits are impeccable.

[Anonymous]

MIL always changes the thermostat to her liking AKA 85 degrees when she walks in our house!! Pickiest eaters alive yet always say "we are easy, we don't care what's for dinner"...three hours later end up at a place of their liking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

What result does hovering yield?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These bitches HOVER in my kitchen as I am trying to finish dinner prep. And yes, I provide plenty and serve apps. You would think they were raised in a barn.

Mine do this too. It drives me crazy!

I’m a MIL and I hover because my DIL doesn’t wash her hands when she cooks.

What result does hovering yield?

NP. LOL. DIL is probably rushing and skipping steps like washing her hands because she wants to get it over with and get some SPACE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to vent about "low key holidays". My inlaws have an extremely laid back, low key Christmas. They serve snacks and appetizers and have an open house for everyone to visit from 7-1am. They love it because all their friends come and drink. Their parents and siblings/cousins no longer come because they are with family. I feel like I'm held hostage by their stupid laid back holiday. I want a real meal. I want to be surrounded by family, not their friends. I don't get why they can't have their friends party the weekend before Christmas like everyone else. I want my kids to have fond memories of Christmas Eve and I want it to be about them. Instead we put them to bed before it even starts. Everyone is hung over on Christmas and no food appears all day (hence their low key holiday). We open presents around noon after dh's siblings wake. My kids are hungry and want to open presents. I want to stay home if they aren't making a big deal about Christmas or letting kids open presents at the crack of dawn. I want an over the top amazing holiday. I hate how dh goes along with it every year. I feel like my kids are short changed. Oh yeah and we all sleep on the floor.

Yep I get it. I'm an evil DIL and a doormat.

I had no idea someone else out there was sharing in my misery!!! I was also raised with family on Christmas Eve, not strangers. But years of open house Christmas Eves with FIL's employees and MIL's random acquaintances have jaded me. MIL used to keep nametags and sharpies at the door like it was some work event, and we would scrounge for dinner among cheeseballs and crackers. One year I'd had enough, and we changed our plans to fly in two weeks before Christmas Eve to skip the BS for a holiday with just DH's family. To my dismay, MIL changed the party to be the very night we arrived! I realized then that we were part of her perfect family facade and we were there just for her to show off. ILs divorced soon after and the party stopped entirely.