I want out of this marriage. I want to scream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, start by getting a job. Even if childcare cost eats up a large chunk of what you earn, I think it's a good first step to feeling more like yourself. Insist on it. Your children do NOT need a SAHM, they need a happy functional mom.

As far as your husband... I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy it is to meet someone new and remarry when you're a 30-something parent of 3 young children. This is anecdotal, but everyone I know who divorced for reasons unrelated to abuse/adultery/addiction and subsequently remarried, has mentioned regretting not trying harder to work things out with spouse #1 - no one is going to be perfect, and when you marry a new person, you take on a whole new set of problems, and you'll be dealing with a blended family on top of everything. Not saying you should stay, just something to consider.

When did OP state her goal is to remarry another man?

Some guys are not marriage material not father material. And not because they are violent or abusive, but because they are workaholic, self-centered clueless slobs. If your life would be better and easier without that disrespectful selfish slob around, make the call! You are definitely not modeling a healthy relationship or effective communication for your kids.

OP repeatedly referred to her other suitors and said that she knows that "there are people she would be more compatible with". she sounds like she already has someone very specific in mind. if not, clearly her dissatisfaction is centered around conviction that there other, better men, waiting for her to be free. it's clearly a big driver of her dissatisfaction with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.

Yes. He will get the kids 50% of the time and he will also remarry and have even more kids. Prepare yourself.

Not 50/50 in our case but he sure remarried an adoring, work part-time, take-care of me-forever wife and seems to want to show the world he could have more kids and not have it deteriorate his marriage again. He still does nothing by work. I could care less and frankly feel sorry for whomever married him, but it does further diminish your kids in his stack of “priorities.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you want to escape is your own misery. You come off like you don't have an actual complaint against your husband, just against your own unhappiness. He, divorce, kids can't make you happy and fulfilled in life. That is on you. I would like to be sympathetic, but you sounds like a whiner and immature. What did you think child raising and marriage is going to be like? So you divorce him and end up with three kids on your own, and way less money?

+1000. OP should seek mental health counseling for depression.

She is a SAHM whose husband makes 2M with 3 little kids and hates her life. So what will make her happy?

Prozac? I mean, seriously, she has everything and more, she can work, she can have nannies, she can go back to school, I don't see a complaint where DH is abusive or cheating, is he?

Funny how all the sympathy went away since I stated he earned 2m. So he can be an arrogant intolerable ass if he earned 200k but now I need Prozac bc he earns 2m. Guess I can’t be in a bad marriage if the guy earns a lot.

Who cares what he earns. Quit bitching and get a job or divorce him and have fun living in a townhouse. Those are your choices. You act like you are the only person on earth dealing with the monotony of raising kids and living with the same person for years. Figure out what will make you happy and do it instead of complaining about your husband whose job is NOT to satisfy 100% of your needs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Did she say that she wants to work? I missed that. I thought that working was a suggestion to improve her marriage and self esteem. I am sure it will do neither. And I work at a free clinic at a homeless shelter. Yes. Someone would pay me for it, but then they expect me to show up all of the time. And the money is so little that it makes no difference in our family finances, so why have all of the strings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Did she say that she wants to work? I missed that. I thought that working was a suggestion to improve her marriage and self esteem. I am sure it will do neither. And I work at a free clinic at a homeless shelter. Yes. Someone would pay me for it, but then they expect me to show up all of the time. And the money is so little that it makes no difference in our family finances, so why have all of the strings?

'Strings' are there so that the job that needs to be done gets done.

[Anonymous]

There are many meaningful things that need to be done that do not need to be written down, evaluated, and recorded electronically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many meaningful things that need to be done that do not need to be written down, evaluated, and recorded electronically.

sure. there many jobs on this category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many meaningful things that need to be done that do not need to be written down, evaluated, and recorded electronically.

sure. there many jobs on this category.

Ok. I am ready to leave my bubble. What kinds of jobs are like this?

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you are still reading.
I honestly thought I might have written your post.
I had to check the date to make sure it wasn't me. So many similarities.
My DH makes a bit under 2m but same idea. I also work On a 60 percent schedule and make 200k.
So I am not dependent on him, but of course our lifestyle is not one that could be sustained on 200k.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you. I also have three kids and realize that while my husband is pretty much an ass, it's not like I am going to find some great guy who wants to date a 45 year old with three kids. (I am no disaster - I work out, take care of myself, etc - but still,I am 45 and a busy working mom. I'm not some model)
Like you, we met in grad school when he was poor but humble and funny and kind, and really adored me. Now, he is pompous and rich and rude. It makes me so sad. He's not nice to me or really the kids either. He doesn't really have many friends. I have many, so their husbands put up with him ok.
SO, this is what I am trying
1. I like my work and try to keep focused on it so my career isn't dead In the water.
2. I have tons of friends and social plans. I have built a great community.
3. My kids are fantastic. As they grow up, they are funny and kind and smart and interesting. I try and focus on them the most, of course, and remind myself how lucky am.
4. Use that money to try and fix things. Lots of help, to reduce tension in the home, nice date nights, to try and rekindle - luxurious vacations to create great family memories.

Look, I am trying the best I know how. It sucks to see couples truly in love, and I am trying hard to make the best of my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hope you are still reading.
I honestly thought I might have written your post.
I had to check the date to make sure it wasn't me. So many similarities.
My DH makes a bit under 2m but same idea. I also work On a 60 percent schedule and make 200k.
So I am not dependent on him, but of course our lifestyle is not one that could be sustained on 200k.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you. I also have three kids and realize that while my husband is pretty much an ass, it's not like I am going to find some great guy who wants to date a 45 year old with three kids. (I am no disaster - I work out, take care of myself, etc - but still,I am 45 and a busy working mom. I'm not some model)
Like you, we met in grad school when he was poor but humble and funny and kind, and really adored me. Now, he is pompous and rich and rude. It makes me so sad. He's not nice to me or really the kids either. He doesn't really have many friends. I have many, so their husbands put up with him ok.
SO, this is what I am trying
1. I like my work and try to keep focused on it so my career isn't dead In the water.
2. I have tons of friends and social plans. I have built a great community.
3. My kids are fantastic. As they grow up, they are funny and kind and smart and interesting. I try and focus on them the most, of course, and remind myself how lucky am.
4. Use that money to try and fix things. Lots of help, to reduce tension in the home, nice date nights, to try and rekindle - luxurious vacations to create great family memories.

Look, I am trying the best I know how. It sucks to see couples truly in love, and I am trying hard to make the best of my situation.

PP you seem to have a much better life and much more realistic approach to your own situation than OP does. OP's mind is still in grad school mulling over all the men shie could have had. She clearly believes she could do much better than her DH, even today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Did she say that she wants to work? I missed that. I thought that working was a suggestion to improve her marriage and self esteem. I am sure it will do neither. And I work at a free clinic at a homeless shelter. Yes. Someone would pay me for it, but then they expect me to show up all of the time. And the money is so little that it makes no difference in our family finances, so why have all of the strings?

She doesn't want to work. She wants to pretend she COULD have a multi hundred k paying job that is v v important so that she can martyr herself for CHOOSING not to have it to stay at home with the kids.

In reality even if she has multiple higher degrees as as claims, if she never had a career in those fields or maintained up to date knowledge, no she couldn't. She has no intention of working or leaving, she just wants her husband to constantly be reminded IF she wanted to she could also make $2m and land another rich husband who is nicer and better looking and not at all tired of her drama.

[Anonymous]

But I think many pps are being way too hard on her. Being rich doesn't mean your life is great. Believe me, I know.
I also know what it's like to have married a nice guy and end up with an asshole. A rich asshole, but still an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hope you are still reading.
I honestly thought I might have written your post.
I had to check the date to make sure it wasn't me. So many similarities.
My DH makes a bit under 2m but same idea. I also work On a 60 percent schedule and make 200k.
So I am not dependent on him, but of course our lifestyle is not one that could be sustained on 200k. [u]

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you. I also have three kids and realize that while my husband is pretty much an ass, it's not like I am going to find some great guy who wants to date a 45 year old with three kids. (I am no disaster - I work out, take care of myself, etc - but still,I am 45 and a busy working mom. I'm not some model)
Like you, we met in grad school when he was poor but humble and funny and kind, and really adored me. Now, he is pompous and rich and rude. It makes me so sad. He's not nice to me or really the kids either. He doesn't really have many friends. I have many, so their husbands put up with him ok.
SO, this is what I am trying
1. I like my work and try to keep focused on it so my career isn't dead In the water.
2. I have tons of friends and social plans. I have built a great community.
3. My kids are fantastic. As they grow up, they are funny and kind and smart and interesting. I try and focus on them the most, of course, and remind myself how lucky am.
4. Use that money to try and fix things. Lots of help, to reduce tension in the home, nice date nights, to try and rekindle - luxurious vacations to create great family memories.

Look, I am trying the best I know how. It sucks to see couples truly in love, and I am trying hard to make the best of my situation.

PP you seem to have a much better life and much more realistic approach to your own situation than OP does. OP's mind is still in grad school mulling over all the men shie could have had. She clearly believes she could do much better than her DH, even today.

WHAT???? You complain about your husband and then say you couldn't sustain your lifestyle on 200K? Which way is it sweetie? What values are you teaching your children??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hope you are still reading.
I honestly thought I might have written your post.
I had to check the date to make sure it wasn't me. So many similarities.
My DH makes a bit under 2m but same idea. I also work On a 60 percent schedule and make 200k.
So I am not dependent on him, but of course our lifestyle is not one that could be sustained on 200k. [u]

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you. I also have three kids and realize that while my husband is pretty much an ass, it's not like I am going to find some great guy who wants to date a 45 year old with three kids. (I am no disaster - I work out, take care of myself, etc - but still,I am 45 and a busy working mom. I'm not some model)
Like you, we met in grad school when he was poor but humble and funny and kind, and really adored me. Now, he is pompous and rich and rude. It makes me so sad. He's not nice to me or really the kids either. He doesn't really have many friends. I have many, so their husbands put up with him ok.
SO, this is what I am trying
1. I like my work and try to keep focused on it so my career isn't dead In the water.
2. I have tons of friends and social plans. I have built a great community.
3. My kids are fantastic. As they grow up, they are funny and kind and smart and interesting. I try and focus on them the most, of course, and remind myself how lucky am.
4. Use that money to try and fix things. Lots of help, to reduce tension in the home, nice date nights, to try and rekindle - luxurious vacations to create great family memories.

Look, I am trying the best I know how. It sucks to see couples truly in love, and I am trying hard to make the best of my situation.

PP you seem to have a much better life and much more realistic approach to your own situation than OP does. OP's mind is still in grad school mulling over all the men shie could have had. She clearly believes she could do much better than her DH, even today.

WHAT???? You complain about your husband and then say you couldn't sustain your lifestyle on 200K? Which way is it sweetie? What values are you teaching your children??

NP. Are you intentionally trying to be dense? Clearly, she means that she would be able to support herself and her kids on 200k but not live the kind of lifestyle that 2m can buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But I think many pps are being way too hard on her. Being rich doesn't mean your life is great. Believe me, I know.
I also know what it's like to have married a nice guy and end up with an asshole. A rich asshole, but still an asshole.

Op here. Thank you. We have drifted apart. Money may or may not be the cause of his personality change. All I know is our marriage has been over for quite some time.