Bringing your own toys to the playground-what's the etiquette?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

[Anonymous]

This is why I love having my own large backyard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

+100000

New poster here who supports OP. And therefore you've made my argument for me: If the *possessive* 3 year old brings a Frisbee to the park, by necessity one of the parents must go into limit setting mode. Either the dad of the three year old must limit his son's behavior to the 18 month old; or the 18 month old's mom must limit her kid's behavior towards the Frisbee. Therefore, the "nice" thing to do is for the dad to leave the Frisbee at home so neither parent/kid is impacted or has to go into vigilant mode.

If the three year old wasn't a possessive brat, none of this holds -- because the Frisbee wouldn't be impacting either child/parent in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A toy that is being actively played with (like the frisbee here) does not need to be shared. A toy whose owner is not actively playing with it does need to be shared. So if you bring a ride-on toy and your son gets tired of playing with it, he needs to be okay if someone else touches it.

This. No one has to stop using their toy, but the expectation at our local playground is that other kids can use the toy when your kid isn't.

Does that apply to adult bikes, too? How about Waverunners at the beach?

Nope. And this really is the practice among the regulars at our specific playground. We don't assume this is the rule anywhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

+100000

New poster here who supports OP. And therefore you've made my argument for me: If the *possessive* 3 year old brings a Frisbee to the park, by necessity one of the parents must go into limit setting mode. Either the dad of the three year old must limit his son's behavior to the 18 month old; or the 18 month old's mom must limit her kid's behavior towards the Frisbee. Therefore, the "nice" thing to do is for the dad to leave the Frisbee at home so neither parent/kid is impacted or has to go into vigilant mode.

If the three year old wasn't a possessive brat, none of this holds -- because the Frisbee wouldn't be impacting either child/parent in that situation.

But the three-year-old wasn't actually doing anything to the toddler, besides saying that he didn't want the toddler to touch his Frisbee. He wanted to play Frisbee with his dad. The fact that OP had to keep her toddler out of someone else's game is just not that oppressive. The OP wanted the kid and dad to stop playing together and include her kid. That's way more intrusive than the kid and dad wanting to play together.

[Anonymous]

If it was just the three year old playing alone, then that would be one thing. But it wasn't. A dad was actively playing with his three-year-old. Your child should stay out of their game. Time to start teaching your kid that he can't be involved in everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

OP, that's the thing though - it's not your playground, it's the neighborhood playground. So while I totally get how nice it is to have a place where you don't have to chase a busy toddler quite so much, it's also other families' place to play and have fun. For some that means bringing a toy, and just because it was off limits to your child doesn't mean it's not allowed. I personally do not ever bring toys to the playground, because I don't need one more thing to remember to bring home and because I feel like we go to the playground to play with and on things we don't have at home, but plenty of other people do - and they're allowed to do that. You can always pick up and go home or go to a different park if someone bring a toy you don't want your child around, or if kids start playing rougher than you like, or a million other potential playground irritants.

+1

It might have been nice for the kid and dad to let your kid play with the Frisbee. But there is nothing wrong with them wanting to have a game together, which does not include a kid too young to participate in their game. Your kid can't play Frisbee. Period. It's quite possible that the toddler would have wanted to join in some other activity, regardless of the toy involved. That's just a thing that can happen when you go to a public space. The kid could have gotten on the swing and had his dad push him really high, and your toddler could have wanted to join in. Or whatever other activity the kid and his dad engaged in. Your annoyance is your problem. It is not actually rude for people who are engaged in an activity together not to include a total stranger who is evidently incapable of participating in the activity. Sure, the three-year-old might have been rude (although it's also possible that you are exaggerating) but he's three. He didn't want your son to take his Frisbee (which your son apparently wanted to do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was just the three year old playing alone, then that would be one thing. But it wasn't. A dad was actively playing with his three-year-old. Your child should stay out of their game. Time to start teaching your kid that he can't be involved in everything.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

+100000

The "burden" of limit setting is the very definition
of responsible parenting, at least until your kid is self-supporting.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it would be really odd to play frisbee or catch in a toddler fenced in playground. I have literally never seen it. It's not like a park where there is a big lawn. Why are people acting like this is so normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it would be really odd to play frisbee or catch in a toddler fenced in playground. I have literally never seen it. It's not like a park where there is a big lawn. Why are people acting like this is so normal?

It doesn't matter if it's normal, and we don't actually know how the playground was set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still with OP that if a three year old is going to "make it" the 18 months old's problem by yelling at the 18 month old for looking at his toy, then the three year old has to leave the toy at home. The three year old isn't obligated to share. But they are obligated to treat others with kindness and not be rude. If the Frisbee causes the three year old to be rude, then the Frisbee stays home. OP wasn't looking for them to all play Frisbee together. She was looking to not have her kid yelled at for doing normal 18 month old behavior. The park is a public place that everyone should be able to use equally. it sucks when your ability to enjoy the park is impeded by a three year old whose yelling forces mom to have to be hyper vigilent lest her 18 month old even look in the wrong direction.

There would have been no problem if, when the Frisbee landed in the 18 month old's zone of play, the 3-year old (like many 3 year olds) simply let the toddler hand the Frisbee back to the 3 year old instead of yelling about it.

Given the OP's other comments, I'm not sure I trust her judgment of whether the 3 year old was yelling.

[Anonymous]

Op is the type of parent who is going to do so much crow eating as her kid gets older. Can't wait til 18 months from now she has a jerky 3 year old of her own and looks back on the high expectations she has of THIS 3 year old to be considerate and empathic and inclusive of her toddler. Cause that's how 3 year olds work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line (for me) is that I slug it out with my 18 month old all day, every day. Tbere is a lot of boundary setting and testing of said boundaries. Our playground is a safe and fun place where he can run and I can relax a little bit as well. It's not like I can sit around and text, and I'm still on him a little (use the stairs, don't walk up the slide!), but overall we mutually love playground time. I was annoyed because the pair brought an off-limits object to a place that is normally a place where I don't have to say "no" as frequently, and all of a sudden I have to go back into high toddler vigilance mode.

First of all, yes it is annoying. When you're the parent of an impulsive little toddler, with no sense of personal safety, lots of things you never noticed before suddenly become annoyances. Like rocks just the right size to go into someone's mouth, or tree branches, or people who mow their lawns during nap time.

However, I think you're coming at this from a perspective of the mom of a young toddler who looks at that 3 year old as a "big kid". The reality is that 3 year olds, in general, do far more boundary testing than 18 month olds. Other than, perhaps 14, 3 is the height of boundary testing with parents. And it's not just that you have to set more boundaries, but they're harder to set, because 3 year old run faster, remember longer, and find fewer things exciting and distracting than 18 month olds. And many of them don't nap either.

This parent came to the park for the same reason you did. He wanted a chance to be with his kid in an environment where he could follow the kid's lead, enjoy their time together, and let his guard down because if it's like most 0 - 3 year old parks it is fenced. You're essentially asking that he give you a break from limit setting by going into limit setting mode with his kid, saying "No, you can't tell that baby not to play with your toy. No, you can't knock him down to get the toy. No, you can't scream to get that toy back. No, you can't get the frisbee we put away out of the backpack to play with it. No, you can't throw wood chips as a substitute."

Why should the burden of limit setting be on the other parent?

+100000

Because the OP was there first. If two people using a public space want to do conflicting things, the person who got there first gets the space. You tell your three year old that you will get the frisbee out when the baby leaves, or you go to an unoccupied space and play.