Caught my husband at AMP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

I believe it was. My DH usually prefers HJs over sex since we were dating. It’s a fetish.

That’s actually worse… he was seeking his ultimate pleasure outside your marriage. It wasn’t that he stopped at a HJ, it’s what he wanted most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

I believe it was. My DH usually prefers HJs over sex since we were dating. It’s a fetish.

That’s actually worse… he was seeking his ultimate pleasure outside your marriage. It wasn’t that he stopped at a HJ, it’s what he wanted most.

Exactly. If there is a vice I could live with, more so than drinking, smoking, gambling, anger/violence, sex, emotional affairs, this is one I could live with.

[Anonymous]

I’m a divorce lawyer, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…. but if you’re in a sex-starved marriage and not working on it, someone else is probably working on your partner. Especially if it’s a man. It’s not always about bad people doing bad things. It’s often about people who never learned how to talk about desire.

Humans need touch, connection, and sometimes variety. Those are hard conversations to have, but avoiding them doesn’t make the needs go away. Maybe what one partner wants isn’t okay for the other, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending the issue doesn’t exist.

Most affairs don’t start with the intent to hurt. They start with silence. We’re not taught to talk about sex or unmet needs, so things fester until someone looks elsewhere for what’s missing. I see it across every walk of life, pastors, doctors, teachers, bankers.

The betrayal still hurts. But it’s usually born out of neglect, not malice. The fix isn’t judgment, it’s learning to have the uncomfortable conversations before someone else fills the void.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorce lawyer, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…. but if you’re in a sex-starved marriage and not working on it, someone else is probably working on your partner. Especially if it’s a man. It’s not always about bad people doing bad things. It’s often about people who never learned how to talk about desire.

Humans need touch, connection, and sometimes variety. Those are hard conversations to have, but avoiding them doesn’t make the needs go away. Maybe what one partner wants isn’t okay for the other, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending the issue doesn’t exist.

Most affairs don’t start with the intent to hurt. They start with silence. We’re not taught to talk about sex or unmet needs, so things fester until someone looks elsewhere for what’s missing. I see it across every walk of life, pastors, doctors, teachers, bankers.

The betrayal still hurts. But it’s usually born out of neglect, not malice. The fix isn’t judgment, it’s learning to have the uncomfortable conversations before someone else fills the void.

Interesting how you change the lens from not being able to have a hard conversation to "neglect" which implies that one partner is failing to do something that they are obligated to do -- provide sex or intimacy.

I deeply disagree with this. No one is entitled to sex, not even a married person. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to learn how to have the hard conversations. Yes, some people fail at having the hard conversations, and so in that sense infidelity is a failure on the part of the cheating spouse not to articulate needs in words and negotiate as to how the needs can be reasonably be met with the agreement of both partners.

While the act of infidelity may not have been out of malice, the act of hiding it, lying about it and gaslighting your partner about it is absolutely manipulative and malicious. While honesty is difficult, lying and gaslighting is a conscious choice by the cheating spouse to manipulate the victim spouse into not ending the relationship because the cheating spouse gets some kind of benefit they don't want to give up but would have to if the victim spouse otherwise knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorce lawyer, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…. but if you’re in a sex-starved marriage and not working on it, someone else is probably working on your partner. Especially if it’s a man. It’s not always about bad people doing bad things. It’s often about people who never learned how to talk about desire.

Humans need touch, connection, and sometimes variety. Those are hard conversations to have, but avoiding them doesn’t make the needs go away. Maybe what one partner wants isn’t okay for the other, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending the issue doesn’t exist.

Most affairs don’t start with the intent to hurt. They start with silence. We’re not taught to talk about sex or unmet needs, so things fester until someone looks elsewhere for what’s missing. I see it across every walk of life, pastors, doctors, teachers, bankers.

The betrayal still hurts. But it’s usually born out of neglect, not malice. The fix isn’t judgment, it’s learning to have the uncomfortable conversations before someone else fills the void.

Interesting how you change the lens from not being able to have a hard conversation to "neglect" which implies that one partner is failing to do something that they are obligated to do -- provide sex or intimacy.

I deeply disagree with this. No one is entitled to sex, not even a married person. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to learn how to have the hard conversations. Yes, some people fail at having the hard conversations, and so in that sense infidelity is a failure on the part of the cheating spouse not to articulate needs in words and negotiate as to how the needs can be reasonably be met with the agreement of both partners.

While the act of infidelity may not have been out of malice, the act of hiding it, lying about it and gaslighting your partner about it is absolutely manipulative and malicious. While honesty is difficult, lying and gaslighting is a conscious choice by the cheating spouse to manipulate the victim spouse into not ending the relationship because the cheating spouse gets some kind of benefit they don't want to give up but would have to if the victim spouse otherwise knew.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and you’re right that no one is ever entitled to sex or intimacy. Cheating is a choice, and the lying or gaslighting that often follows is deeply harmful and manipulative.

When I talk about “neglect,” I don’t mean obligation…. I mean the slow, mutual drift that happens when couples stop being emotionally honest with each other. That silence doesn’t excuse betrayal, but it’s often what makes betrayal possible.

Accountability matters. But focusing only on blame ignores the patterns that make this so common…… shame, avoidance, and the inability to talk about uncomfortable needs before they fester. Understanding those dynamics isn’t minimizing the pain; it’s how we prevent it.

Relationships are complicated, and perfection is impossible. People change, needs evolve, and even good partners stumble. The goal isn’t to justify bad choices it’s to face reality: honesty, even when it’s messy, is the only real safeguard against heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

To build on my point with an example, let’s say a husband might crave an erotic massage from another woman…not because he wants her, but because he misses feeling desired or just wants that physical experience.

That might be a boundary his wife isn’t okay with, and that’s valid. But (assuming he’s doing it with a mutually consenting adult) it’s worth asking why it feels threatening if he has no intention of leaving or building intimacy elsewhere. The fear itself deserves a conversation.

And if she still says no, then what? Ignoring the desire won’t make it disappear. That’s where couples have to face the truth: either find new ways to reconnect, accept the difference, or risk secrecy taking over.

People can choose whatever they want, but not without consequences. The more honestly couples can talk about what’s real, the less likely those choices turn into betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorce lawyer, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…. but if you’re in a sex-starved marriage and not working on it, someone else is probably working on your partner. Especially if it’s a man. It’s not always about bad people doing bad things. It’s often about people who never learned how to talk about desire.

Humans need touch, connection, and sometimes variety. Those are hard conversations to have, but avoiding them doesn’t make the needs go away. Maybe what one partner wants isn’t okay for the other, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending the issue doesn’t exist.

Most affairs don’t start with the intent to hurt. They start with silence. We’re not taught to talk about sex or unmet needs, so things fester until someone looks elsewhere for what’s missing. I see it across every walk of life, pastors, doctors, teachers, bankers.

The betrayal still hurts. But it’s usually born out of neglect, not malice. The fix isn’t judgment, it’s learning to have the uncomfortable conversations before someone else fills the void.

Interesting how you change the lens from not being able to have a hard conversation to "neglect" which implies that one partner is failing to do something that they are obligated to do -- provide sex or intimacy.

I deeply disagree with this. No one is entitled to sex, not even a married person. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to learn how to have the hard conversations. Yes, some people fail at having the hard conversations, and so in that sense infidelity is a failure on the part of the cheating spouse not to articulate needs in words and negotiate as to how the needs can be reasonably be met with the agreement of both partners.

While the act of infidelity may not have been out of malice, the act of hiding it, lying about it and gaslighting your partner about it is absolutely manipulative and malicious. While honesty is difficult, lying and gaslighting is a conscious choice by the cheating spouse to manipulate the victim spouse into not ending the relationship because the cheating spouse gets some kind of benefit they don't want to give up but would have to if the victim spouse otherwise knew.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and you’re right that no one is ever entitled to sex or intimacy. Cheating is a choice, and the lying or gaslighting that often follows is deeply harmful and manipulative.

When I talk about “neglect,” I don’t mean obligation…. I mean the slow, mutual drift that happens when couples stop being emotionally honest with each other. That silence doesn’t excuse betrayal, but it’s often what makes betrayal possible.

Accountability matters. But focusing only on blame ignores the patterns that make this so common…… shame, avoidance, and the inability to talk about uncomfortable needs before they fester. Understanding those dynamics isn’t minimizing the pain; it’s how we prevent it.

Relationships are complicated, and perfection is impossible. People change, needs evolve, and even good partners stumble. The goal isn’t to justify bad choices it’s to face reality: honesty, even when it’s messy, is the only real safeguard against heartbreak.

This all sounds nice, but the kind of person that cheats is, by definition, the kind of person who can’t have an honest conversation, so I’m not sure that’s a reasonable expectation either before or after infidelity. I also think it’s a mistake to characterize all infidelity as the result of some kind of neglectful drift apart. There are many men, pathological or merely conditioned by society, who expect to get what they want when they want it and for women (wives and APs) to facilitate their desires, whatever they may be. Perhaps there are women like this too - pathological or conditioned by society to see their value in their attraction.

Again interesting how you shift language from “accountability matters” to “but focusing only on blame”. Insisting someone take accountability for their actions isn’t blame. It is the core of honesty - if you can’t say what you did and accept that your actions have consequences, there is no honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorce lawyer, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…. but if you’re in a sex-starved marriage and not working on it, someone else is probably working on your partner. Especially if it’s a man. It’s not always about bad people doing bad things. It’s often about people who never learned how to talk about desire.

Humans need touch, connection, and sometimes variety. Those are hard conversations to have, but avoiding them doesn’t make the needs go away. Maybe what one partner wants isn’t okay for the other, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending the issue doesn’t exist.

Most affairs don’t start with the intent to hurt. They start with silence. We’re not taught to talk about sex or unmet needs, so things fester until someone looks elsewhere for what’s missing. I see it across every walk of life, pastors, doctors, teachers, bankers.

The betrayal still hurts. But it’s usually born out of neglect, not malice. The fix isn’t judgment, it’s learning to have the uncomfortable conversations before someone else fills the void.

Interesting how you change the lens from not being able to have a hard conversation to "neglect" which implies that one partner is failing to do something that they are obligated to do -- provide sex or intimacy.

I deeply disagree with this. No one is entitled to sex, not even a married person. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to learn how to have the hard conversations. Yes, some people fail at having the hard conversations, and so in that sense infidelity is a failure on the part of the cheating spouse not to articulate needs in words and negotiate as to how the needs can be reasonably be met with the agreement of both partners.

While the act of infidelity may not have been out of malice, the act of hiding it, lying about it and gaslighting your partner about it is absolutely manipulative and malicious. While honesty is difficult, lying and gaslighting is a conscious choice by the cheating spouse to manipulate the victim spouse into not ending the relationship because the cheating spouse gets some kind of benefit they don't want to give up but would have to if the victim spouse otherwise knew.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and you’re right that no one is ever entitled to sex or intimacy. Cheating is a choice, and the lying or gaslighting that often follows is deeply harmful and manipulative.

When I talk about “neglect,” I don’t mean obligation…. I mean the slow, mutual drift that happens when couples stop being emotionally honest with each other. That silence doesn’t excuse betrayal, but it’s often what makes betrayal possible.

Accountability matters. But focusing only on blame ignores the patterns that make this so common…… shame, avoidance, and the inability to talk about uncomfortable needs before they fester. Understanding those dynamics isn’t minimizing the pain; it’s how we prevent it.

Relationships are complicated, and perfection is impossible. People change, needs evolve, and even good partners stumble. The goal isn’t to justify bad choices it’s to face reality: honesty, even when it’s messy, is the only real safeguard against heartbreak.

This all sounds nice, but the kind of person that cheats is, by definition, the kind of person who can’t have an honest conversation, so I’m not sure that’s a reasonable expectation either before or after infidelity. I also think it’s a mistake to characterize all infidelity as the result of some kind of neglectful drift apart. There are many men, pathological or merely conditioned by society, who expect to get what they want when they want it and for women (wives and APs) to facilitate their desires, whatever they may be. Perhaps there are women like this too - pathological or conditioned by society to see their value in their attraction.

Again interesting how you shift language from “accountability matters” to “but focusing only on blame”. Insisting someone take accountability for their actions isn’t blame. It is the core of honesty - if you can’t say what you did and accept that your actions have consequences, there is no honesty.

I think we’re just talking from different places. You’re focused on what people should do… on accountability, honesty, and integrity, and I completely agree those things matter.

What I’m sharing comes from what I see every day. Not every case of infidelity is about neglect or drift. Some come from entitlement, insecurity, or ego. Others come from silence and disconnection. There isn’t one cause, just different versions of the same human imperfection.

My point isn’t to excuse it. It’s to show how complex people are, and how hard real honesty can be in practice. Relationships get stronger when we stop pretending anyone’s perfect and start having the uncomfortable conversations that keep trust alive or that can rebuild trust in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian massage parlor 😢

Let’s not call it “Asian”, let’s say “fraudulent massage parlor” or brothel or human-trafficking sex center because that’s what it is

Let's not call it "fraudulent". This is not fair to my Madoff-like aspirations.

[Anonymous]

"Why do you feel the need to project this on all SAHMs? We work too. We enable our spouses to advance their careers because we’re at home doing most of the physical and emotional work of raising children. If we were working full time outside of the home, our spouses would have to split the workload of keeping a home and raising a family 50/50. I get so tired of this trite perspective on SAHMs - we may not make money (cleaning the house, grocery shopping, doing laundry, walking the dogs, doing yard work, helping kids with homework, making meals, schlepping kids to school and activities, being emotionally available to our children volunteering at school, etc.,) but our value is easily worth six figures. I calculated mine once. If we were to hire someone to do what I do, it would cost more then $105,000 a year."

This is hilarious. How do you think the "work" of all the SAHMs with husbands who earn $85K/year would be valued?

And let's say you do indeed "deserve" $105k, you'd have to deduct all the expenses like the second car you drive, the cost of your haircuts/color, food, vacation expenses, clothing, a 401K savings plan, your housing, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

I believe it was. My DH usually prefers HJs over sex since we were dating. It’s a fetish.

Don't knock it. You term it a fetish as if it's unusual? A good HJ can be absolutely mind-blowing. That said, it's not the type you get at a happy ending place. Their HJs are almost clinical, expertly performed but fast and efficient.