Caught my husband at AMP

[Anonymous]

My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

Well, maybe his "only vice" was being performed by underage teens or women who have been trafficked and abused. But hey, as long as your marriage and family is OK - to hell with that aspect, right?

Until it happens to one of YOUR kids. Think it can't? Think again...

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too - although it wasn’t AMP it was sex with prostitutes while on overseas assignment.

The minute I found out about it, I instantly was no longer attracted to now exDH. To do such a thing, risked his employment if he had been found out, put me at risk for STDs (in fact, the way I found out was a medical history form mailed home by his retiring practitioner that detailed his visit for her
Herpes testing and detailed prostitution use), made our marriage built on a foundation of lies, and generally reflected his deep disrespect for women which he tried to cover by being a “good guy” in many respects. The “good guy” was a cover for his sociopathic subterfuges.

Others have said that they “wouldn’t blow up a marriage” over AMP, but it’s actually my DH who blew up the marriage. My decision to end the marriage was simply a reflection of the unilaterally changed terms of the marriage. I thought a lot about what I would tell my daughter if she came to me and asked what to do in a similar situation. I absolutely would tell her to leave the marriage ASAP. If I would tell her to do that, why would I not treat myself in the same way? How could I tell her to leave if I was not willing to do it myself? I also did not want to model to my son that this was an acceptable way to treat women - neither the prostitute nor the wife.

FWIW, as I was leaving, it became clear that sex worker use was only the tip of a very large set of hidden pathologies. And, it’s also true that it turns out that a guy who would do that is also not going to be a good father in many ways.

As the saying goes …. When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP.

You put on your oxygen mask right now. Let go of anything non-essential.

Confide in a couple of trusted people. You need support and outside perspectives.

Therapy.

Lawyer.

Make sure you have access to all of your finances and accounts.

You don't have to know what you're going to do today. You just have to keep breathing.

Hugs. I don't see how you could trust him again either. Or like him. And that's totally on him. He caused that. Now you just need to figure out what your best moves are, out of your (unfortunately) limited choices. But you WILL be OK. You are strong and you can handle this.

Guy got a handjob and now the world is coming to an end lmao

Said like a sociopathic cheater who doesn't care that he is exploiting women who are probably being trafficked

They are doing it out of free will, nobody is forcing them to be whores. Prostitution is wrong but nobody is a victim.

Honestly, you’re an idiot if you think people are in prostitution because of free will. If women had some other way to earn equivalent income that wasn’t so dangerous, they wouldn’t be tricking. Also, a lot of AMPs are involved in trafficking schemes and women are forces to work in the AMP because their identity documents are held hostage and they are threatened with force, impoverishment or homelessness if not cooperative. Even where it seems like sex workers are “choosing” sex work, there is often a long history of trauma then compounded by the trauma of the work environment that keeps them “in the job”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

[Anonymous]

Not all Asian spas are sexual. I know the owner a few and she’s 100% legit

[Anonymous]

Not all massage parlors offer extra services.

Also, not all sex workers are being coerced. I've met a few sex workers (as friends) and many of them do it because they enjoy it and of course the money is really good.

What's next, are you going to say all the women on OnlyFans are being coerced too?

[Anonymous]

OP, before this escalates or your DH gets suspicious of your suspicions, this is time to quietly start copying documents and looking at whatever you can on DH’s laptop and phone. When I was in a similar position I was able to pull a lot of travel records and financial info before he realized he was going to get caught and started to change passwords. I wish I’d had a few more weeks to be able to see bank statements and some other things, but that will come out during the discovery process in our divorce proceedings. However, he had a head start and it appears that he hid a lot of cash transactions for shady stuff.

If you can glance through his email, you should. Mine had an old account that he had supposedly stopped using. I was pulling old photos off our formerly shared laptop and realize that his old email account was still synced and downloading to an ancient version of Outlook when I accidentally clicked the “email” link instead of saving a photo and outlook opened. That’s where everything that wasn’t a cash transaction or a verbal interaction was going.

Get extra print cartridges and print, don’t download. And ask a friend to hold on to everything for you until you need it, because one day you will. You can start putting away small amounts of cash at a time prior to a filing or separation, and you should open your own bank account if you don’t have one in just your name. Make sure you have enough money in there for 3-4 attorney consults and a retainer. Aim for $15,000, and build it up slowly. It’s legal to do this before any formal separation or filing, but impossible to do after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

Well, maybe his "only vice" was being performed by underage teens or women who have been trafficked and abused. But hey, as long as your marriage and family is OK - to hell with that aspect, right?

Until it happens to one of YOUR kids. Think it can't? Think again...

Part of our reconciliation plan was open and honest communication going forward. In our case, I did not discover his problem. He told me voluntarily. He showed me the transactions and the dates. He gave me the information to all his providers and emails, which I followed up on. Be slow to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

I believe it was. My DH usually prefers HJs over sex since we were dating. It’s a fetish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, before this escalates or your DH gets suspicious of your suspicions, this is time to quietly start copying documents and looking at whatever you can on DH’s laptop and phone. When I was in a similar position I was able to pull a lot of travel records and financial info before he realized he was going to get caught and started to change passwords. I wish I’d had a few more weeks to be able to see bank statements and some other things, but that will come out during the discovery process in our divorce proceedings. However, he had a head start and it appears that he hid a lot of cash transactions for shady stuff.

If you can glance through his email, you should. Mine had an old account that he had supposedly stopped using. I was pulling old photos off our formerly shared laptop and realize that his old email account was still synced and downloading to an ancient version of Outlook when I accidentally clicked the “email” link instead of saving a photo and outlook opened. That’s where everything that wasn’t a cash transaction or a verbal interaction was going.

Get extra print cartridges and print, don’t download. And ask a friend to hold on to everything for you until you need it, because one day you will. You can start putting away small amounts of cash at a time prior to a filing or separation, and you should open your own bank account if you don’t have one in just your name. Make sure you have enough money in there for 3-4 attorney consults and a retainer. Aim for $15,000, and build it up slowly. It’s legal to do this before any formal separation or filing, but impossible to do after.

Seek a therapist first and get your mind clear. Divorce is much harder than DCUM makes it out to be. For better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too - although it wasn’t AMP it was sex with prostitutes while on overseas assignment.

The minute I found out about it, I instantly was no longer attracted to now exDH. To do such a thing, risked his employment if he had been found out, put me at risk for STDs (in fact, the way I found out was a medical history form mailed home by his retiring practitioner that detailed his visit for her
Herpes testing and detailed prostitution use), made our marriage built on a foundation of lies, and generally reflected his deep disrespect for women which he tried to cover by being a “good guy” in many respects. The “good guy” was a cover for his sociopathic subterfuges.

Others have said that they “wouldn’t blow up a marriage” over AMP, but it’s actually my DH who blew up the marriage. My decision to end the marriage was simply a reflection of the unilaterally changed terms of the marriage. I thought a lot about what I would tell my daughter if she came to me and asked what to do in a similar situation. I absolutely would tell her to leave the marriage ASAP. If I would tell her to do that, why would I not treat myself in the same way? How could I tell her to leave if I was not willing to do it myself? I also did not want to model to my son that this was an acceptable way to treat women - neither the prostitute nor the wife.

FWIW, as I was leaving, it became clear that sex worker use was only the tip of a very large set of hidden pathologies. And, it’s also true that it turns out that a guy who would do that is also not going to be a good father in many ways.

As the saying goes …. When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

Blowing up a marriage over HJs is asinine. There really no other way about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, before this escalates or your DH gets suspicious of your suspicions, this is time to quietly start copying documents and looking at whatever you can on DH’s laptop and phone. When I was in a similar position I was able to pull a lot of travel records and financial info before he realized he was going to get caught and started to change passwords. I wish I’d had a few more weeks to be able to see bank statements and some other things, but that will come out during the discovery process in our divorce proceedings. However, he had a head start and it appears that he hid a lot of cash transactions for shady stuff.

If you can glance through his email, you should. Mine had an old account that he had supposedly stopped using. I was pulling old photos off our formerly shared laptop and realize that his old email account was still synced and downloading to an ancient version of Outlook when I accidentally clicked the “email” link instead of saving a photo and outlook opened. That’s where everything that wasn’t a cash transaction or a verbal interaction was going.

Get extra print cartridges and print, don’t download. And ask a friend to hold on to everything for you until you need it, because one day you will. You can start putting away small amounts of cash at a time prior to a filing or separation, and you should open your own bank account if you don’t have one in just your name. Make sure you have enough money in there for 3-4 attorney consults and a retainer. Aim for $15,000, and build it up slowly. It’s legal to do this before any formal separation or filing, but impossible to do after.

Seek a therapist first and get your mind clear. Divorce is much harder than DCUM makes it out to be. For better or worse.

Not true. The DCUM standard response is "divorce" and there's plenty of men lined up to date a divorced middle-aged single mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was addicted to erotic massages for a long time. He loved the thrill of it. He had it down to a science and would even advise other men in online communities about it. Now he is an advocate for sexual addiction support.

I was mostly hurt by the betrayal in trust. I never saw the signs. Our sex life wasn’t great, but he never gave us a chance to improve.

I learned through therapy his addiction had nothing to do with me. Therapy worked for us. It also helped that HJs were his only vice. I think transactional sex is gross but I’m not going to blow up my marriage and family over HJs.

HJs were the "only vice" you caught.

I believe it was. My DH usually prefers HJs over sex since we were dating. It’s a fetish.

That’s actually worse… he was seeking his ultimate pleasure outside your marriage. It wasn’t that he stopped at a HJ, it’s what he wanted most.