To my husband’s work AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP. Actions have consequences. let her burn. Make sure you burn your husband also though.

OP: Oh, he will. This is going to destroy his career.

I'm figuring you've considered this, because you sound methodical, but if this also torches things like health insurance through his work for you or for any kids you have, be ready for that. Same goes for savings for kids' college or your retirement, though I figure those finances get worked out in a divorce and custody agreement. I am NOT saying to let this go, OP! Just saying: Be prepared for his career dive to affect all aspects of family finances and coverage. (A friend's DH lost his job when they divorced; she ended up with much less robust health coverage for her and their kids, which was an issue later on when one child developed a chronic condition that has cost $$$ and always will. That's why this issue is one which occurs to me when people divorce.)

He can find another job bro!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should feel free to speak whatever truths are available to you.

You are getting dragged on this thread because you are being smug and excited to ruin this woman's life, happy to tell her husband, posting this gloating anonymous post and then responding aggressively to everyone who disagrees with you. To me, that is the part that speaks to YOUR character in this situation. Your husband's affair has clearly brought out the worst in your character, and you think it makes you brave.

- not an AP, so back off with your paranoid garbage

She's venting anonymously to strangers. Probably so she doesn't vent to people in her real life. She may sound "happy" to you but she's furious and, yeah, hurting, and out for blood, all of which are normal reactions.

What she does with those reactions IRL is what matters next, but we'll never know for sure what she will do IRL.

Meanwhile she can vent here and be as mean, petty and angry as she wants with us strangers and that's a release for her. You can choose not to read it and choose not to post. Venting doesn't make her a terrible person like you insist she must be; it makes her human.

I can also choose to point out that her attitude is gross. Many of these reactions are, as you say, normal. Not all normal reactions are healthy. Lots of people manage to be angry and hurt without taking pride in inflicting MORE suffering. It's like the argument here is that because the husband and AP did this bad thing, OP has license to be as angry and cruel as she wants. I disagree with that across the board.

You can have a completely understandable anger/hurt reaction to being wronged deeply without being excited to inflict pain on someone else - whether it's the righteous infliction of pain y'all think is happening when she tells the husband, who may or may not want to know, or the pain she's admitted to be happy to inflict on the AP. I was taught that two wrong don't make a right. Dunno what YOU were taught.

To The PP, She owes zero to the AP and has every single right to tell APs partner. You reap what you sow. YOU need to Stop telling women to be silent.

I didn't tell "women" to be silent. I told an anonymous poster on the internet that I thought her attitude was gross.

Maybe you should stop telling me, a woman, to be silent, since you're into reaping what you sow.

Your attitude towards other women is gross.

[Anonymous]

I was relentlessly pursue by a married.woman at work I mean it was insane. Men are capable of resisting advances it is not that hard. But having been on this forum for awhile I am sure some women will show up soon and blame OP as opposed to her husband. Some of these women will start fishing for OP's shortcomings maybe she got fat, maybe she is not giving him enough sex, maybe this maybe that. Women are cruel toward other women it's very bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was relentlessly pursue by a married.woman at work I mean it was insane. Men are capable of resisting advances it is not that hard. But having been on this forum for awhile I am sure some women will show up soon and blame OP as opposed to her husband. Some of these women will start fishing for OP's shortcomings maybe she got fat, maybe she is not giving him enough sex, maybe this maybe that. Women are cruel toward other women it's very bizarre.

No one has done that in 12 pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

So you and your "husband" didn't really take vows and wonder if he is truly ok with you whoring it up with your married boss or expected you to just be slutty with people not routinely involved in your lives? Most open marriages, as you claim you have, have rules about animinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was relentlessly pursue by a married.woman at work I mean it was insane. Men are capable of resisting advances it is not that hard. But having been on this forum for awhile I am sure some women will show up soon and blame OP as opposed to her husband. Some of these women will start fishing for OP's shortcomings maybe she got fat, maybe she is not giving him enough sex, maybe this maybe that. Women are cruel toward other women it's very bizarre.

No one has done that in 12 pages.

The women who are shaming OP for wanting to tell the Aps partner and that she should just be silent are doing exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was relentlessly pursue by a married.woman at work I mean it was insane. Men are capable of resisting advances it is not that hard. But having been on this forum for awhile I am sure some women will show up soon and blame OP as opposed to her husband. Some of these women will start fishing for OP's shortcomings maybe she got fat, maybe she is not giving him enough sex, maybe this maybe that. Women are cruel toward other women it's very bizarre.

No one has done that in 12 pages.

The women who are shaming OP for wanting to tell the Aps partner and that she should just be silent are doing exactly this.

No, they are not. They are telling her to worry about her own marriage since that is who made a commitment to her. That is entirely different from blaming her or telling her to be quiet.

[Anonymous]

I can't read 12 pages op is there an update? Did you tell her husband how did it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

Good luck with your new job hunting!

Its fascinating you think people get fired over this. Unless there is a boss / subordinate dynamic....they're not. Workplaces don't get involved with whether someone should be morally sleeping with someone else - if dating is allowed (as it is almost everywhere now except where there are power differentials) then affairs are also allowed.

You missed where OP said, earlier in the thread, that her DH and the AP are both "key" players in a small firm with a small staff. Sounds like some entrepreneurial thing. If that's the case, well, two leaders out of a small staff, both with total s**tstorms breaking at home--that's going to play havoc with the whole business, possibly. It's funny to me how some here are so very insistent that an affair could never, ever tank a career or business unless it was a boss-subordinate relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I confronted her first. She was a total b@tch, blameless in her own eyes and self-righteous. I made up my mind then and there I was telling her spouse.

Perhaps, if she showed some modicum of civility and remorse, offered an apology, I would have thought twice. But, being such a c@ntt and not caring one bit about anyone else….well, I blew that sh@t up for her.

Anybody who carried out what she did and confronted with someone in pain….lets just say having BDP and not recognizing that or even caring…deserved everything that came her way.

I won’t lie. It felt good. Really, really good.

I saw this update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was relentlessly pursue by a married.woman at work I mean it was insane. Men are capable of resisting advances it is not that hard. But having been on this forum for awhile I am sure some women will show up soon and blame OP as opposed to her husband. Some of these women will start fishing for OP's shortcomings maybe she got fat, maybe she is not giving him enough sex, maybe this maybe that. Women are cruel toward other women it's very bizarre.

No one has done that in 12 pages.

The women who are shaming OP for wanting to tell the Aps partner and that she should just be silent are doing exactly this.

I am one of the posters "shaming OP" and have never told her to be silent. I think she should figure out a kind way to notify the other betrayed spouse and provide whatever factual information she has been gleefully compiling. It is absolutely possible to do that without being smug, posting excitedly about how "it's on", and then accusing everyone who disagrees with her of being a cheater or "shaming women." I never commented on her appearance or her marriage - just the poor character that a person demonstrates when they are happy about causing pain.

You can disagree with me on that front all you want. We can agree to disagree. What I have observed in other situations like this is that finding out about a spouse's longterm affair can cause a person to behave really out of character. If OP is normally a non-spiteful person who doesn't enjoy causing pain, then clearly this has affected her. If she has always been vindictive and spiteful, then it's definitely a character thing, which has nothing to do with either of us being a woman.

[Anonymous]

Are u staying or divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

I mean, if you managed to do all those things—vacationing, planning retirement, buying a home, etc, while your spouse was having an affair, and it didn’t impact anything (ie, you didn’t ever know about it), then how was it all a lie? It didn’t have any effect on your life.

You utterly, profoundly missed the entire point of the post to which you're responding. FFS.

The planning etc. is not the issue. Making plans about a future together, making decisions together, believing you are part of a couple, a team, that's the point, and that's what the cheater betrays. The lie is the lie that there's a commitment to moving through life together, on the same page. When one half of a couple has an affair, it turns that commitment, and the life built based on that commitment, into a sham.

The fact that you see only that you still get to take the vacation, buy the house, sock away money -- that's strange. Maybe you just see the transactions and have no notion of a married couple doing all those things to build a life, not merely a portfolio to be split up when one of them says, by the way, there was a third person involved in everything we did and chose "together."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am Team OP.

You women wanting to protect the AP are fools.

Me too. I’m Sicilian. You all fk’d with the wrong woman if you did that to me and my family.

Go OP !!!

Eyyyyyyy whatssamatta heyeah, whaddya gonna go, putanna? I mean, go all in.

[Anonymous]

Where’s Jerry Springer when you need him?