Would you move in without a ring?

[Anonymous]

People calling cohabitation with intent get married or avoid a blind divorce as "shacking up" need to get off their high horse and walk back to 2024.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to, do it! My husband and I were spending every night together after date two and I moved into his condo after 11 months. I knew he was the one immediately. Such fun times. Engaged a year later and we are happily married going on 15 years. Do what feels right to you!

That’s great that it worked out for you. But I think that one of the issues with OP is she’s almost 30 and has a timeline. So should probably have a firmer commitment at this point.

Well then it doesn't matter whether they move in. A conversation needs to go like this "hey Joe, I know I want marriage and I want children in the next couple of years. I love you and I see my future with you. Do you feel the same? If not, we should be making plans accordingly."

That is how adults talk.

This^.

[Anonymous]

OP, do whatever you feel is correct. Trust that you will be able to grieve your losses and move on no matter what happens.

Hoping the outcome will NOT be years of regret and despair with the only stupid prize being you "learned so much".

Signed,
Single, bitter, childless 50-year-old woman who moved in without a ring because some guy promised "marriage would happen 'soon'"

Kidding.

Signed,
Married, happy, 50-year-old woman with two lovely kids, had them at 34 and 38. Moved in with their father after the wedding. Prior to him, wasted 5 years living with guy who said "marriage would happen 'soon." Married and 6-months later we divorced. And yes, the only stupid prize was I 'learned so much' and can drop it here for the consideration and judgments of strangers.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I did, and many people I know who are now married did as well. But as others have said - have an exit strategy. I certainly did and my now husband knew it. I didn't threaten or anything, there was no ultimatum, but it was empowering to know that I could walk out at any moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did, and many people I know who are now married did as well. But as others have said - have an exit strategy. I certainly did and my now husband knew it. I didn't threaten or anything, there was no ultimatum, but it was empowering to know that I could walk out at any moment.

In this day and age, isn't that the reality whether you've been married for 30 years or lived together for 3 months?

A better advice would be, don't comingle finances, have your own investments, take care of your career and happiness. A man in your life is a bonus, not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did, and many people I know who are now married did as well. But as others have said - have an exit strategy. I certainly did and my now husband knew it. I didn't threaten or anything, there was no ultimatum, but it was empowering to know that I could walk out at any moment.

In this day and age, isn't that the reality whether you've been married for 30 years or lived together for 3 months?

A better advice would be, don't comingle finances, have your own investments, take care of your career and happiness. A man in your life is a bonus, not a plan.

NP- no. When you're married you can't just walk out at any moment. You'd need a divorce and there is so much that's comingled. And kids to think about. It's nothing like being single and living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did, and many people I know who are now married did as well. But as others have said - have an exit strategy. I certainly did and my now husband knew it. I didn't threaten or anything, there was no ultimatum, but it was empowering to know that I could walk out at any moment.

In this day and age, isn't that the reality whether you've been married for 30 years or lived together for 3 months?

A better advice would be, don't comingle finances, have your own investments, take care of your career and happiness. A man in your life is a bonus, not a plan.

NP- no. When you're married you can't just walk out at any moment. You'd need a divorce and there is so much that's comingled. And kids to think about. It's nothing like being single and living together.

All that is needed for a divorce to happen is for one person to want it. That's it. Everything else is details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.

No. Moving in together to "see how we cohabit" is not the next best step.

Just be fully aware that you are still auditioning for the role as his wife, OP. If you're Ok with that, go ahead. But I wouldn't do it.

Question: have you met his parents and family yet?

This isn't really true. It's also for her to suss out their compatibility.

I would agree with you if it didn’t seem that the power dynamic of engagement is within the boyfriend‘s favor. OP herself said she’s been told “it will happen when it happens“, implying she has no control over the timeline or the eventuality of the engagement itself. Living together in the scenario sounds like him evaluating her and her being evaluated.

I’m all for some social traditions, but I very much dislike this idea that an engagement and planning a life together is some surprise a man bestows on a woman. As women we all know how deliberate we need to be in choosing a life partner because it impacts our happiness, Our children, our financial future, etc. Treating this as a happy accident is not good footing to start on. I recognize that it takes some of the “Romance” out of it, but let’s be fair, those concepts are dated from a time when women were chattel.

[Anonymous]

As someone who did it, and has been with their partner for 20 years.

If marriage is important to you, no.

It doesn’t mean you can’t go on to have children, to live together forever, to build a life… you’re just not likely to get that ring, or that ring on the timeline you hope. If you have a timeline, stick to that and the next reliable step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did, and many people I know who are now married did as well. But as others have said - have an exit strategy. I certainly did and my now husband knew it. I didn't threaten or anything, there was no ultimatum, but it was empowering to know that I could walk out at any moment.

In this day and age, isn't that the reality whether you've been married for 30 years or lived together for 3 months?

A better advice would be, don't comingle finances, have your own investments, take care of your career and happiness. A man in your life is a bonus, not a plan.

NP- no. When you're married you can't just walk out at any moment. You'd need a divorce and there is so much that's comingled. And kids to think about. It's nothing like being single and living together.

All that is needed for a divorce to happen is for one person to want it. That's it. Everything else is details.

When you don’t get married, you choose to be together every day. Also, like it or not, your lives do become commingled, but not as so legally messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.

No. Moving in together to "see how we cohabit" is not the next best step.

Just be fully aware that you are still auditioning for the role as his wife, OP. If you're Ok with that, go ahead. But I wouldn't do it.

Question: have you met his parents and family yet?

This isn't really true. It's also for her to suss out their compatibility.

I would agree with you if it didn’t seem that the power dynamic of engagement is within the boyfriend‘s favor. OP herself said she’s been told “it will happen when it happens“, implying she has no control over the timeline or the eventuality of the engagement itself. Living together in the scenario sounds like him evaluating her and her being evaluated.

I’m all for some social traditions, but I very much dislike this idea that an engagement and planning a life together is some surprise a man bestows on a woman. As women we all know how deliberate we need to be in choosing a life partner because it impacts our happiness, Our children, our financial future, etc. Treating this as a happy accident is not good footing to start on. I recognize that it takes some of the “Romance” out of it, but let’s be fair, those concepts are dated from a time when women were chattel.

I agree with you! Women should 100% be involved in the engagement process. It should be a discussion, not a surprise. It shouldn't be looked at as a prize imo. We are both adults, we are both partners, we should both be involved. To me, moving in and living together was important for ME to decide if I wanted to marry this person. He had never lived on his own, so I feel like I was auditioning him . It was important for me to see if we were compatible and could handle it. If OP looks it at a similar way, it doesnt need to have an uneven power dynamic - especially if she keeps her condo, she holds all the cards as far as them living together.

[Anonymous]

You expressed your timeline and he did not agree, so your going to move in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:depends...how long have you been together and how old are you? I would test drive the car before buying it. I personally wouldn't marry someone unless I lived with them first, as you will learn quickly if you are truly compatible in it for the long haul.

OP here. We have been together for almost 1.5 years. I’m 29 and he is 31. I’m excited to take these next steps in our relationship, but I’m like 10% hesitant because I’ve heard the stories of women moving in and it never resulting in marriage. I want a marriage and kids by the time I’m 35.

I moved in before we were engaged technically. But we'd discussed that we both saw the relationship heading towards marriage. We were not living together as a trial run. I made it clear I was moving in without any intent of ever moving out. If your boyfriend would freak out if you told him that, DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

Inertia is powerful. Many many people stay in terrible relationships because they are already living with their partners. It is very hard to move out once you've moved in. Not impossible, but hard.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that [b]it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.[/b]

So he wants to marry you, but only if you get through the probationary period? And "it will happen when it happens" - what does that mean?

That would be a hard no from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone live with a man without a ring? I don’t understand. Your (and his) words mean literally nothing; all that counts is what you do. You are sleeping with, sharing expenses, and acting as a wife towards a man who acts towards you as a boyfriend. You are taking two steps forward (fiancé-wife) and he is saying “sure, you go ahead, I’ll be back here as your boyfriend”. Your behavior says that you are a discount woman, you provide all these services at the 1/3 (“girlfriend!”) the price.

If his word means nothing why would you marry him?

You should never marry a man if you don't trust his word. If you need to get the govt involved in your affairs you are doomed.

"Getting the government involved" has legal benefits.

In general, men - including "good" men - will do as much or as little as they can get away with.