Would you move in without a ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.

That sounds promising! Good idea to keep your condo and rent it out, if things go south you always have that to rely on.

This is exactly the point many of us are making as to why this is a bad deal for OP and the boyfriend too.

They both go into this with an escape clause. If it "doesn't work out" we turn tail and run. That is NOT a good formula for success in setting up a marriage. And why shacking up does not provide a true picture of what a committed relationship looks like.

I don't see the downside. I really fail to understand how a piece of jewellery means literally anything. If you want to argue that you should wait until marriage, that's one thing. But even then, you're just jumping in blind. There is always an escape clause, in everything we do.

It’s not the jewelry it’s the engagement, a public announcement of your intention to marry each other. Why move in before that step, disrupting your life and finances, just to risk that he isn’t actually prepared to get engaged to you? Rather he makes that commitment to you now before you leave your condo. Otherwise, just continue to date until he is sure, and enjoy your condo.

Some people are engaged for years though. Some never make it to the altar. Engagement is not legally protected, it's really just performative.
There are many reasons to move in before that, you don't have to like or agree with other peoples choices. I loved living with my then bf, now dh.

A lot harder to break an engagement than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship which is why you see them less frequently.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't shack up until you're married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone without living with them, they have an invisible suitcase they are going to be pulling shit out of for the rest of your life. You don't get to inspect that suitcase before? You'll just deal with it? You're buying it like one of those storage wars tv shows, sight unseen?

There’s literally no evidence that marriages last longer when the suitcase is “inspected” beforehand. If your theory were right, we would see it in decreased divorce rates for cohabitating couples, but the opposite is true.

If there was no need to get to each other, most marriages would work. People won't be coming in saying their partner is narcissistic, slob, gay, alcoholic, violent, stingy, gambler, has enmeshed family, is bipolar, etc etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.

That sounds promising! Good idea to keep your condo and rent it out, if things go south you always have that to rely on.

This is exactly the point many of us are making as to why this is a bad deal for OP and the boyfriend too.

They both go into this with an escape clause. If it "doesn't work out" we turn tail and run. That is NOT a good formula for success in setting up a marriage. And why shacking up does not provide a true picture of what a committed relationship looks like.

I don't see the downside. I really fail to understand how a piece of jewellery means literally anything. If you want to argue that you should wait until marriage, that's one thing. But even then, you're just jumping in blind. There is always an escape clause, in everything we do.

It’s not the jewelry it’s the engagement, a public announcement of your intention to marry each other. Why move in before that step, disrupting your life and finances, just to risk that he isn’t actually prepared to get engaged to you? Rather he makes that commitment to you now before you leave your condo. Otherwise, just continue to date until he is sure, and enjoy your condo.

Some people are engaged for years though. Some never make it to the altar. Engagement is not legally protected, it's really just performative.
There are many reasons to move in before that, you don't have to like or agree with other peoples choices. I loved living with my then bf, now dh.

This isn’t about judgment, it’s about PP pretending this is about jewelry. It’s not. It’s about engagement, a commitment to marriage. Silly to pretend OP is asking about jewelry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone without living with them, they have an invisible suitcase they are going to be pulling shit out of for the rest of your life. You don't get to inspect that suitcase before? You'll just deal with it? You're buying it like one of those storage wars tv shows, sight unseen?

There’s literally no evidence that marriages last longer when the suitcase is “inspected” beforehand. If your theory were right, we would see it in decreased divorce rates for cohabitating couples, but the opposite is true.

If there was no need to get to each other, most marriages would work. People won't be coming in saying their partner is narcissistic, slob, gay, alcoholic, violent, stingy, gambler, has enmeshed family, is bipolar, etc etc

I have no idea what you are trying to say.

OP wants marriage, not a forever dating relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all depends on your particular circumstances. The idea that no one should move in without a ring seems to be particularly strong on DCUM (but, curiously, not in real life among the people I know).

A ring is just a ring. Know an ex boyfriend who gave his girlfriend a ring and she moved in and 10 years later it’s still just a ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't shack up until you're married.

You should let other people live their lives the way they see fit. Nothing wrong with shacking up. NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

If you want to, do it! My husband and I were spending every night together after date two and I moved into his condo after 11 months. I knew he was the one immediately. Such fun times. Engaged a year later and we are happily married going on 15 years. Do what feels right to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't shack up until you're married.

You should let other people live their lives the way they see fit. Nothing wrong with shacking up. NOTHING.

OP is here asking for people’s opinions. It’s really ok if they differ from yours. PP isn’t going around preventing others from living their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to, do it! My husband and I were spending every night together after date two and I moved into his condo after 11 months. I knew he was the one immediately. Such fun times. Engaged a year later and we are happily married going on 15 years. Do what feels right to you!

That’s great that it worked out for you. But I think that one of the issues with OP is she’s almost 30 and has a timeline. So should probably have a firmer commitment at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't shack up until you're married.

You should let other people live their lives the way they see fit. Nothing wrong with shacking up. NOTHING.

OP is here asking for people’s opinions. It’s really ok if they differ from yours. PP isn’t going around preventing others from living their lives.

And I am giving her my opinion. There is nothing wrong with living together before marriage.

"Shouldn't shack up" is such judgemental nonsense and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step.

That sounds promising! Good idea to keep your condo and rent it out, if things go south you always have that to rely on.

This is exactly the point many of us are making as to why this is a bad deal for OP and the boyfriend too.

They both go into this with an escape clause. If it "doesn't work out" we turn tail and run. That is NOT a good formula for success in setting up a marriage. And why shacking up does not provide a true picture of what a committed relationship looks like.

I don't see the downside. I really fail to understand how a piece of jewellery means literally anything. If you want to argue that you should wait until marriage, that's one thing. But even then, you're just jumping in blind. There is always an escape clause, in everything we do.

It’s not the jewelry it’s the engagement, a public announcement of your intention to marry each other. Why move in before that step, disrupting your life and finances, just to risk that he isn’t actually prepared to get engaged to you? Rather he makes that commitment to you now before you leave your condo. Otherwise, just continue to date until he is sure, and enjoy your condo.

Some people are engaged for years though. Some never make it to the altar. Engagement is not legally protected, it's really just performative.
There are many reasons to move in before that, you don't have to like or agree with other peoples choices. I loved living with my then bf, now dh.

This isn’t about judgment, it’s about PP pretending this is about jewelry. It’s not. It’s about engagement, a commitment to marriage. Silly to pretend OP is asking about jewelry.

The engagement ring is literally just a piece of jewellery. That ring means nothing until a marriage license is signed. How can you say that a few flowery words are more commitment than sharing your life together? Which is actually a commitment?

[Anonymous]

Decreased marriage rate and increased divorce rate lead to increased cohabitation rate not the other way around. It hasn't helped increase marriage rate or decrease divorce rate but it helps decrease relational unhappiness and decrease in income of wedding planners and divorce lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to, do it! My husband and I were spending every night together after date two and I moved into his condo after 11 months. I knew he was the one immediately. Such fun times. Engaged a year later and we are happily married going on 15 years. Do what feels right to you!

That’s great that it worked out for you. But I think that one of the issues with OP is she’s almost 30 and has a timeline. So should probably have a firmer commitment at this point.

Well then it doesn't matter whether they move in. A conversation needs to go like this "hey Joe, I know I want marriage and I want children in the next couple of years. I love you and I see my future with you. Do you feel the same? If not, we should be making plans accordingly."

That is how adults talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to, do it! My husband and I were spending every night together after date two and I moved into his condo after 11 months. I knew he was the one immediately. Such fun times. Engaged a year later and we are happily married going on 15 years. Do what feels right to you!

Same! We had such a fun time living together and were married two years later. Absolutely loved it.