are 3+ kid families becoming more common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in the 80s/90s and from what I remember, almost everyone I knew with siblings had a 2 grade level gap--so approx. 2 years.

Same here in the 90s. But almost half of my friends were only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 3 is pretty typical/normal anywhere. I am surprised by the families here that have 4+ kids as a middle class family.

I live in a very wealthy suburb of NYC and three is very common but four is not that common. I personally am acquainted with three families who have four kids. Two of them are at our private (one mom is the head of the PTA) and one lives across the street from us. Spacing is pretty tight between kids. I have three with a 28 month gap between my eldest and middle child (it would have been a 24 month gap but I miscarried) and a 21 month gap between my middle and youngest child. They are all the same gender and they really look out for each other, especially the middle one. She is always looking out for her older and younger sisters not because she has a caretaker type of personality - she's so confident and spunky that I wouldn't necessarily categorize her as a caretaker - she's just very strategic and a doer.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:None of my friends with two kids would have one more if they had more money. The one or two kids they have are completely emotionally draining for them. Same for me! As for acquaintances/casual friendships, I have no idea because we don't talk about those kinds of personal things.

Totally believe this. Sometimes it is the emotional/logistical strain rather than finances.

FWIW we have 3 and would’ve had 4 if we had more $$. Different strokes.

I have 3 kids. I would have had a 4th or even a 5th if I was younger. I had my first at 30 (almost 31) and my third at age 38 (almost 39). I was 40 with a toddler. Now I am 45 and would totally be able to care for another but I’m obviously too old now.

Wow those are big age gaps!

3.5 years is a big age gap? I think smaller gaps are more common now because people are cramming two kids in in their mid to late thirties. When I was growing up in the 90s, 3-4 year age gaps were very common. I have a 3 year gap between my kids. Might go for a third with the same spacing. I like it from a developmental and staggering standpoint.

8 years from kid 1 to kid 3 (31 to 39) is a pretty big gap. That's a 4 year gap x 2. Then she says she could have a 4th 6 years later, except she is now 45 and her oldest is 14!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of my friends with two kids would have one more if they had more money. The one or two kids they have are completely emotionally draining for them. Same for me! As for acquaintances/casual friendships, I have no idea because we don't talk about those kinds of personal things.

Totally believe this. Sometimes it is the emotional/logistical strain rather than finances.

FWIW we have 3 and would’ve had 4 if we had more $$. Different strokes.

I have 3 kids. I would have had a 4th or even a 5th if I was younger. I had my first at 30 (almost 31) and my third at age 38 (almost 39). I was 40 with a toddler. Now I am 45 and would totally be able to care for another but I’m obviously too old now.

Wow those are big age gaps!

3.5 years is a big age gap? I think smaller gaps are more common now because people are cramming two kids in in their mid to late thirties. When I was growing up in the 90s, 3-4 year age gaps were very common. I have a 3 year gap between my kids. Might go for a third with the same spacing. I like it from a developmental and staggering standpoint.

8 years from kid 1 to kid 3 (31 to 39) is a pretty big gap. That's a 4 year gap x 2. Then she says she could have a 4th 6 years later, except she is now 45 and her oldest is 14!!

I am 45 now. My youngest is 6. Around 42 was when I would have loved a 4th but I didn’t think it was worth the potential risks. Now I’m 45 and obviously too old. IF I could turn back time, I may have had my third sooner and squeezed in a fourth before age 40.

I love my family. It is perfect the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of my friends with two kids would have one more if they had more money. The one or two kids they have are completely emotionally draining for them. Same for me! As for acquaintances/casual friendships, I have no idea because we don't talk about those kinds of personal things.

Totally believe this. Sometimes it is the emotional/logistical strain rather than finances.

FWIW we have 3 and would’ve had 4 if we had more $$. Different strokes.

I have 3 kids. I would have had a 4th or even a 5th if I was younger. I had my first at 30 (almost 31) and my third at age 38 (almost 39). I was 40 with a toddler. Now I am 45 and would totally be able to care for another but I’m obviously too old now.

Wow those are big age gaps!

3.5 years is a big age gap? I think smaller gaps are more common now because people are cramming two kids in in their mid to late thirties. When I was growing up in the 90s, 3-4 year age gaps were very common. I have a 3 year gap between my kids. Might go for a third with the same spacing. I like it from a developmental and staggering standpoint.

8 years from kid 1 to kid 3 (31 to 39) is a pretty big gap. That's a 4 year gap x 2. Then she says she could have a 4th 6 years later, except she is now 45 and her oldest is 14!!

4 year age gaps don’t seem noteworthy, nor does the lingering “I could have had another” sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s more correlated to education than income. DH and I attended top undergrad and grad programs and almost none of those friends have more than 2 kids. Like maybe 2/20 couples off the top of my head have more than 2 kids.

Do you come from family wealth?

I think many of these people are saying that they are seeing 3+ in fams that earn a lot but also get grandparent help

Here is the thing with big families and grandparent help--the grandparents tend to help the most with the oldest grandkids--both because they are young and because the oldest grandkids get first dibs. So you'll often see the oldest kid in these families having the first 2 or 3 grandkids close together, and the grandparent helping with those but not the others.

I come from a huge family (UMC Mormon) and my grandmothers (who were only in their early 40s when their first grandkids were born) both cared for the first couple grandkids (out of more than 10 on each side) but not the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s more correlated to education than income. DH and I attended top undergrad and grad programs and almost none of those friends have more than 2 kids. Like maybe 2/20 couples off the top of my head have more than 2 kids.

Do you come from family wealth?

I think many of these people are saying that they are seeing 3+ in fams that earn a lot but also get grandparent help

Here is the thing with big families and grandparent help--the grandparents tend to help the most with the oldest grandkids--both because they are young and because the oldest grandkids get first dibs. So you'll often see the oldest kid in these families having the first 2 or 3 grandkids close together, and the grandparent helping with those but not the others.

I come from a huge family (UMC Mormon) and my grandmothers (who were only in their early 40s when their first grandkids were born) both cared for the first couple grandkids (out of more than 10 on each side) but not the others.

Maybe this is how it works in your family of origin but in my family and my husband’s family the grandparents were actually working when the older child had young kids and retired by the time the younger child(ren) had kids so could be more hands on. I wouldn’t generalize … and there are many grandparents who only help a little here and there regardless of age. It varies considerably.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and am not planning to have any more. Among DH and my close friends and family, 2 kids is the norm. DH has a large extended family with many cousins, and most of them have 1 or 2 kids. DH is one of 3, and I am one of 5.

However, among our friends from DS and DD's school, more families seem to have 3 on average. 4+ is not uncommon. Granted it's a Catholic school, so I guess that's not totally surprising.

[Anonymous]

There's lots of data that covid lowered fertility rates overall but there was a baby boom among the UMC+. Suddenly life was slower and more manageable for so many - why not have another baby if you're just hanging out at home.

Also lots of research on how larger families have once again become a status symbol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of data that covid lowered fertility rates overall but there was a baby boom among the UMC+. Suddenly life was slower and more manageable for so many - why not have another baby if you're just hanging out at home.

Also lots of research on how larger families have once again become a status symbol

This seems short-sighted if true because most of the UMC families I know have returned to pre-Covid activity levels and in some cases have even stepped it up regarding travel and kid's activities (bit of a YOLO effect after laying low during Covid).

We are UMC but Covid led us to decide NOT to have another baby even though we'd been seriously discussing it right before Covid happened. For us the deciding factor was realizing how thin our family support network was. We were fine during Covid but had to scramble for childcare, hire everything out, and we didn't even get emotional support from family (actually some weird hostility at times). We realized that we were never going to have that supportive, family-focused extended network that some of our peers have and that I think we used to think was something our families would do as well.

I am sometimes sad about not having another baby -- I know we would have loved him or her enormously. But when I think practically about our family, I'm glad we decided against it. We have more flexibility now, whether we're just going on vacation or contemplating a move, or if something dire like Covid happens again. I like the security of knowing we have lots of wiggle room financially and personally. Our life is pretty low stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of data that covid lowered fertility rates overall but there was a baby boom among the UMC+. Suddenly life was slower and more manageable for so many - why not have another baby if you're just hanging out at home.

Also lots of research on how larger families have once again become a status symbol

We realized that we were never going to have that supportive, family-focused extended network that some of our peers have and that I think we used to think was something our families would do as well.

I have a local network of close relatives, but I still don't know how families manage to juggle 3 kids with 2 careers. Perhaps it's because everyone in my network works full-time. The parents I know with 3 kids and 2 full-time careers who don't seem stressed out have a set of grandparents living with them in the same home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of data that covid lowered fertility rates overall but there was a baby boom among the UMC+. Suddenly life was slower and more manageable for so many - why not have another baby if you're just hanging out at home.

Also lots of research on how larger families have once again become a status symbol

Not only a status symbol, but all of the influencer moms have 3+, often 4 or more. I think its funny that they pretend to be "SAHMs" but probably work more during the day at their social media business than I work at my PT job. But their "schtick" is that they SAH.

[Anonymous]

Well, considering half the country can no longer choose their own health care options. Yeah I believe birth rates are going to skyrocket and not for the better

[Anonymous]

Fascinating responses. Where I am (UWS of NYC), having more than 2 kids is definitely seen as a status symbol. It means you have a bigger apartment, more help, more money for activities, pay 3 private school tuitions, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of data that covid lowered fertility rates overall but there was a baby boom among the UMC+. Suddenly life was slower and more manageable for so many - why not have another baby if you're just hanging out at home.

Also lots of research on how larger families have once again become a status symbol

We realized that we were never going to have that supportive, family-focused extended network that some of our peers have and that I think we used to think was something our families would do as well.

I have a local network of close relatives, but I still don't know how families manage to juggle 3 kids with 2 careers. Perhaps it's because everyone in my network works full-time. The parents I know with 3 kids and 2 full-time careers who don't seem stressed out have a set of grandparents living with them in the same home.

Shut up

+1. Maybe you just feel threatened by the fact that some people are better than you at juggling children and jobs. It happens. The world is full of people who are better at things than you.