I think I win the Thanksgiving 2023 petty vents already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

…except it sounds like your family is the complete opposite of the pp SIL who not only shows up as a guest expecting to be immediately be catered to but is further annoyed if it’s her brother rather than her SIL who tends to her needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

That is one of the biggest bothers of all. My fridge is stocked full of not only turkey and all the other ingredients needed for the feast, but several days’ worth of houseguest provisions. My ILs always act shocked when we don’t have room for their random crap they bring—half-drunk Snapples, 1/4 container of milk, two tablespoons of sour cream that OMG “might go bad.” So annoying. I’d rather people show up empty handed and tell me what they want me to stock ahead of time so that I can manage my fridge and counter space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another reason why DCUM confounds me. I would love it if family came early.

Well, my parents and in-laws are chronically late because they're self-obsessed Boomers who have no respect for other peoples' time. Not sure which is worse, though- ridiculously early or late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another reason why DCUM confounds me. I would love it if family came early.

ILs? Unannounced? When you still have work and chores to finish?

[Anonymous]

Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea and Cheese sounds like a great snack to me!
People totally miss her point; that she noticed her SIL is not as gracious or welcoming as she used to be.

And yet she did not notice, apparently, that her SIL had been doing all the work of hosting for years, and her brother is apparently a bad host for leaving all of that work undone. Funny how her brother gets no blame, and her sister gets all of it, hmm?

[Anonymous]

Very early is inconvenient and very late is also rude especially if other people are waiting to eat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

Sorry your brother is a bad host! I've dropped the rope with my in-laws for the most part (I do clean the house, make a grocery list for my husband to pick up so we have plenty of food in the house, and help him think through meal planning for the visit), but I'm sure my in-laws think I am a bad hostess. The reality is I can only care so much so I do help with some of the planning that I care about (clean house and a food plan for the visit).

What makes you think my brother is a bad host?!
There isn’t much hosting required in the first place. It’s not like they are providing a three course meal on arrival and a fully ready guest bedroom lol. But even the bare minimum - bring the sheets and make some tea and maybe slice some cheese? Is now demonstratively left to my brother.
I don’t really care, it’s their family, but it just looks funny and eyeroll worthy

I think it’s weird you think this is a SIL issue instead of assuming that maybe your brother is a useless lump around the house and she got sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

That’s lovely, but did she have a full time job and young children like op at that time and did you show up unannounced?

Yes to all questions--she was Silent Gen so an older generation of women who were expected to be excellent hostess on top of the rest of her responsibilities.

Why did you show up unannounced when visiting her?

We lived nearby and there always seemed to be something that needed to be dropped off or picked up or discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

Sorry your brother is a bad host! I've dropped the rope with my in-laws for the most part (I do clean the house, make a grocery list for my husband to pick up so we have plenty of food in the house, and help him think through meal planning for the visit), but I'm sure my in-laws think I am a bad hostess. The reality is I can only care so much so I do help with some of the planning that I care about (clean house and a food plan for the visit).

What makes you think my brother is a bad host?!
There isn’t much hosting required in the first place. It’s not like they are providing a three course meal on arrival and a fully ready guest bedroom lol. But even the bare minimum - bring the sheets and make some tea and maybe slice some cheese? Is now demonstratively left to my brother.
I don’t really care, it’s their family, but it just looks funny and eyeroll worthy

Your needs seem very specific. We don’t have tea in our house so if you showed up and “required” tea and cheese, you’d be out of luck.

Who the hell eats tea and cheese slices, anyway? What a putrid combination.

I feel like this is one for the dcum archives…up there with lightly grilled tuna

From now on the height of hospitality is to offer tea and sliced cheese to your guest immediately upon their arrival (but for full points it must be offered by a female)

With sheets on the side. Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."

That is one of the biggest bothers of all. My fridge is stocked full of not only turkey and all the other ingredients needed for the feast, but several days’ worth of houseguest provisions. My ILs always act shocked when we don’t have room for their random crap they bring—half-drunk Snapples, 1/4 container of milk, two tablespoons of sour cream that OMG “might go bad.” So annoying. I’d rather people show up empty handed and tell me what they want me to stock ahead of time so that I can manage my fridge and counter space.

We finally got a compact fridge for this reason. Actually came in handy during parties and pandemic. Lowes and Costco have good prices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t call before they left or from the road to give you a heads up? Strange.

NP. This is not strange to me because my own mother has done this for decades. It's a game of gotcha, it's how she maintains control. When my father was alive at least he would text me. But now if I try to nail her down, she will say something like "oh I am at mile marker 123" as if I have any idea where that is (so I google, but often she lies).

I hate that she does this. I stopped giving a $hit and she's shown up at my house when we are not home and at my kid's school for my kid's games when they were sick and not there (because she REFUSES to tell us when and if she's coming). You have to drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t call before they left or from the road to give you a heads up? Strange.

NP. This is not strange to me because my own mother has done this for decades. It's a game of gotcha, it's how she maintains control. When my father was alive at least he would text me. But now if I try to nail her down, she will say something like "oh I am at mile marker 123" as if I have any idea where that is (so I google, but often she lies).

I hate that she does this. I stopped giving a $hit and she's shown up at my house when we are not home and at my kid's school for my kid's games when they were sick and not there (because she REFUSES to tell us when and if she's coming). You have to drop the rope.

Dropping the rope would mean not letting her in the door without a plan that she sticks to. What you are doing is called “laying down so she can walk all over me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

What’s wrong with your brother that he’s not offering you tea or making you comfortable? Is he a quadriplegic, or what? Why do you expect hospitality from someone with a vagina and not your brother, hmm?

Oh, he does. It’s just that it’s so obvious how she is now “leaving everything to him”, it’s eyeroll worthy.
She then eases up and becomes herself (I.e. does some things when she is around and leaves others to her DH/my brother when it’s convenient for them) but it’s just funny how she tries to be this modern woman who is letting her husband take responsibility for his family by leaving until tea is served lol

You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you. So you’re the hero in this story and she’s the villain, why?

+1. Team wife. SIL is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom just left 4 hours early for the airport in an Uber. Airport is 9 miles away.

She is me and I am her.