Can you actually prevent teens from having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to scare them. My parents were extremely conservative and told me if I had sex I would be robbing my future husband of my purity. I was absolutely terrified of the consequences and it worked!

This is so wrong. What about girls/women who were raped? Your culture views them as unpure? As stained? Ruined? How backward.

My DH and I strive to teach our kids, girls and boys, that a person's worth/value should be judged by their character, not sexual history. We also work to identify misogyny and tools of control, especially those which are disproportionately negative for women.

We deal in facts, not fear. Life outcomes are statistically better for kids who delay intercourse, delay partaking of substances and those who focus on education. We talk about healthy relationships, contraception, STDs and pregnancy. When they choose to have sex, it will be a more informed decision.

Sexual activity in such young age does not happen in isolation. Usually there is dysfunction in the family, poor boundaries, hyper sexualization of children, neglect and abuse from parents, poverty and poor literacy.

There's a huge difference between 13 and 17, but both qualify as "teens" It is perfectly normal for a 17 year old to be sexually active.

Sex in HS rarely goes well for girls. Adolescent depression after multiple sex partners in HS is tragic for many girls.

That makes no statistical sense.

Teen sex is plummeting while teen rates of suicide are skyrocketing, especially for girls. It is especially high for girls using Instagram or other social.

Girls, less Instagram and more sex.

lol

Girls can’t win no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you cannot prevent them from making this decision about their own body. Nor should you expect to. What you can do is make sure they have accurate info about how to stay safe and also to the best of your ability a healthy sense of their own body autonomy and boundaries.

This!

[Anonymous]

Watching Teen mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of what we realized when having all the sex talks (they started around age 3, as understanding grew) is that I want my kids to grow up to be adults with healthy safe sex lives. So now that the kids are older, we focus on pleasure, consent, respect, it needs to be a Hell Yes! not a tentative no from both parties.

Making sex a weird mysterious thing makes it more interesting, and taboo. Making it normal and healthy is so far working for us. Our kids are well educated on how bodies work and how to be respectful of another person. It likely won't stop them from having sex, but I'm also playing the long game.

+1. The goal has to be teaching that sex is a very normal but that like most things in life should be thought through and managed because of consequences. We want kids not to have sex young because they aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle all that relationships entail or the potential consequences of sex. It’s no different than teaching kids about fires and fire safety or water and water safety, or even crossing the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

+1
Most teens globally are not having sex, so it is actually not the norm to be sexually active. In fact, I wonder why any teen would have sex? It makes them vulnerable and messes them up in so many ways.

I think that how teens think about sex is a function of their family dynamics, socialization, attitude of the parents and culture. Also, teens who lack a sense of purpose and pride in their achievement, and who do not get time from the parents - quality and quantity - are more apt to have sex.

Seriously, you can't think of any reasons a teenager might want to get busy?

Exposure to sexually explicit material at home at a young age or being sexually abused or a victim of incest??

Then how do you explain that teen sex is currently at an all-time low?

Social media has replaced in-person interaction for many, many teens.

Plus you can buy a vibrator/toy on very corner and porn is in the other hand 24/7z. A lot more substitutes readily available than even 10-20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walmart sells a kit called “CheckMate” made to test for unfaithful wives, but it also can be used to check daughters.

The way it works is to detect traces of semen in the woman’s underwear after a sespected incident.

Do it naked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what we realized when having all the sex talks (they started around age 3, as understanding grew) is that I want my kids to grow up to be adults with healthy safe sex lives. So now that the kids are older, we focus on pleasure, consent, respect, it needs to be a Hell Yes! not a tentative no from both parties.

Making sex a weird mysterious thing makes it more interesting, and taboo. Making it normal and healthy is so far working for us. Our kids are well educated on how bodies work and how to be respectful of another person. It likely won't stop them from having sex, but I'm also playing the long game.

+1. The goal has to be teaching that sex is a very normal but that like most things in life should be thought through and managed because of consequences. We want kids not to have sex young because they aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle all that relationships entail or the potential consequences of sex. It’s no different than teaching kids about fires and fire safety or water and water safety, or even crossing the street.

This is true and I agree, but I’m still going to make it harder and inconvenient, especially for a younger teen.

[Anonymous]

The short answer is no, you can't.

The longer answer is to question why you would want to. Teens go from 13-19, huge difference. I think average age for having sex for the first time is around 17 now, which makes them probably not too far out from going to college. Sex can and should be a healthy part of life. Do you want to prevent pregnancy and STDs? That is important knowledge for them to have since you can't prevent them from having sex. Worried about emotional fallout? Talk to them about healthy relationships, empower them to make their own choices and not feel shame about societal norms that oppress women, or not to shame women who choose sex. Or if virginity is an important value to you, talk to them about why that is, but they will ultimately make their own choice. Worried about sexual assault or coercion? Talk to them about consent, statutory rape, factors that impair an ability to consent, etc.

I personally had a great sexual experience/relationship in high school with a young man that wasn't from the US, he was actually from a European country where they are much more open about these things and was an exchange student. He was very knowledgeable about reciprocation and mutual pleasure. That has made my sex life as an adult much better as I know what it can be like and don't settle for less. I imagine there are also American, Indian, Latin American, Asian, etc. young men that are capable of that, just saying what my experience was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

+1
Most teens globally are not having sex, so it is actually not the norm to be sexually active. In fact, I wonder why any teen would have sex? It makes them vulnerable and messes them up in so many ways.

I think that how teens think about sex is a function of their family dynamics, socialization, attitude of the parents and culture. Also, teens who lack a sense of purpose and pride in their achievement, and who do not get time from the parents - quality and quantity - are more apt to have sex.

I have to wonder what your childhood was like or if you, perhaps, are not NT. People, not just teens, have sex for all kinds of reasons but one of the biggest is that it (and the lead up to it) feel really good. NOTHING feels like sexual attraction and the physicality of sex. Even when there are abhorrent, tragic consequences for having extra/pre-marital sex, people engage in it because of the feelings and pleasure it generates. How can you not know that or remember that from your youth? I was born in the 60s in the rural, conservative, bible thumping midwest. A girl/woman's value was definitely diminished having sex outside of marriage or, god forbid, being a 'slut'. Yet, teen pregnancy was prevalent.

Unless you're willing to lock down your teens and impose stiffling restrictions and conditions on them, you cannot completely control their bodily autonomy. You are better off having age appropriate conversations about sex, contraception, feelings, relationships and medical care starting at early ages so that when your kids are making decisions, they make better ones. Don't forget to include drugs/alcohol in those conversations.

Thank God, I was not raised in US and I am not White. I am Indian. Society, culture and family allowed me to develop as an individual first without being pressurized to have sex in India. There were no "sluts", premarital sex or teen pregnancy because these things just did not happen openly, so these things were not normalized (even if some happened, we were unaware of it).

Now. how do you teach your children growing in this country to abstain from teen sex? Stopping them, being too strict or being too "foreign" will make your children rebel. So, you do need to have conversations about sex pretty early and in an appropriate manner with them and keep that communications open. Furthermore, you need to expose the inherent dysfunction in family structures in this country early to your children. by letting them see for themselves and then analyzing it with the kids.

American kids have a very short childhood and they are very sexualized early on by a permissive family and society. Parents are always in a hurry to have "independent" children who can raise themselves, The truth is that in the guise of "delegation of responsibilities to the children", American parents often practice "dereliction of parental duties". They are raising their kids as how they were raised. On the other hand, if you are guiding your children in a way that they are being cared for and nurtured, being taught adulting by example and practice, being given tools to excel in life, having a thriving social life and a village, and knowing that you are going to be their support, they will turn towards you for guidance. Practically it also means that you are spending a lot of time with your children and making sure that they are very busy with EC activities where they can taste success and get their dopamine hits.

However, you cannot talk only about traditions and culture to your children because that will not win them over. You need to talk logically with them about the pros and cons of destructive behavior - teen sex, vaping, drugs, social media etc. My kids always needed facts and figures about the pros of one kind of behavior over another. Why should they be learning how to code vs having sex with someone. Teens who are indulging in sex have a lot of drama in their lives and it gets messy very soon and publicly when they are young. So when my kids watch others crash and burn, they also learn the lessons from that. Of course, in all of this - parents need to walk the walk, have a loving and strong family unit, give a lot of time to their kids, make sure that they have a large social network, have their own accomplishments to give them a sense of achievement, keep them busy etc.

Well raised children do not raise themselves. Great parents raise great kids. You have to make investment of your time, effort, emotions, love, money, resources in your children. Teen sex is a desperate way that children seek out comfort, love, attention and belonging because their own family life is lacking it .

You might have been my mother some 35 years ago. My parents could have written this post (if there was an internet back then). I was raised in an Indian household. Excelled at school, went to an Ivy League college, married well, raising two children, part of a fairly healthy extended family dynamic. If you talked to my mother even today, she’d tell you I never even thought about sex in high school. Truth is I lost my virginity at age 15 and had two sex partners in high school. And some of it was because my mother just seemed so hard line and distant. I have bought condoms for my daughter. I have told her that sex can be wonderful. But also have told her that this is a time in her life when she should be opening her mind and developing broad friendships rather than focusing on (in her case) boys. She is doing really well at school, just started college, and is far more open with me than I ever was with my mother. She hasn’t had a serious boyfriend. She tells me she hasn’t yet had sex (but based on my own example - who knows). I think we have a better relationship than I had with my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

+1
Most teens globally are not having sex, so it is actually not the norm to be sexually active. In fact, I wonder why any teen would have sex? It makes them vulnerable and messes them up in so many ways.

I think that how teens think about sex is a function of their family dynamics, socialization, attitude of the parents and culture. Also, teens who lack a sense of purpose and pride in their achievement, and who do not get time from the parents - quality and quantity - are more apt to have sex.

I have to wonder what your childhood was like or if you, perhaps, are not NT. People, not just teens, have sex for all kinds of reasons but one of the biggest is that it (and the lead up to it) feel really good. NOTHING feels like sexual attraction and the physicality of sex. Even when there are abhorrent, tragic consequences for having extra/pre-marital sex, people engage in it because of the feelings and pleasure it generates. How can you not know that or remember that from your youth? I was born in the 60s in the rural, conservative, bible thumping midwest. A girl/woman's value was definitely diminished having sex outside of marriage or, god forbid, being a 'slut'. Yet, teen pregnancy was prevalent.

Unless you're willing to lock down your teens and impose stiffling restrictions and conditions on them, you cannot completely control their bodily autonomy. You are better off having age appropriate conversations about sex, contraception, feelings, relationships and medical care starting at early ages so that when your kids are making decisions, they make better ones. Don't forget to include drugs/alcohol in those conversations.

Thank God, I was not raised in US and I am not White. I am Indian. Society, culture and family allowed me to develop as an individual first without being pressurized to have sex in India. There were no "sluts", premarital sex or teen pregnancy because these things just did not happen openly, so these things were not normalized (even if some happened, we were unaware of it).

Now. how do you teach your children growing in this country to abstain from teen sex? Stopping them, being too strict or being too "foreign" will make your children rebel. So, you do need to have conversations about sex pretty early and in an appropriate manner with them and keep that communications open. Furthermore, you need to expose the inherent dysfunction in family structures in this country early to your children. by letting them see for themselves and then analyzing it with the kids.

American kids have a very short childhood and they are very sexualized early on by a permissive family and society. Parents are always in a hurry to have "independent" children who can raise themselves, The truth is that in the guise of "delegation of responsibilities to the children", American parents often practice "dereliction of parental duties". They are raising their kids as how they were raised. On the other hand, if you are guiding your children in a way that they are being cared for and nurtured, being taught adulting by example and practice, being given tools to excel in life, having a thriving social life and a village, and knowing that you are going to be their support, they will turn towards you for guidance. Practically it also means that you are spending a lot of time with your children and making sure that they are very busy with EC activities where they can taste success and get their dopamine hits.

However, you cannot talk only about traditions and culture to your children because that will not win them over. You need to talk logically with them about the pros and cons of destructive behavior - teen sex, vaping, drugs, social media etc. My kids always needed facts and figures about the pros of one kind of behavior over another. Why should they be learning how to code vs having sex with someone. Teens who are indulging in sex have a lot of drama in their lives and it gets messy very soon and publicly when they are young. So when my kids watch others crash and burn, they also learn the lessons from that. Of course, in all of this - parents need to walk the walk, have a loving and strong family unit, give a lot of time to their kids, make sure that they have a large social network, have their own accomplishments to give them a sense of achievement, keep them busy etc.

Well raised children do not raise themselves. Great parents raise great kids. You have to make investment of your time, effort, emotions, love, money, resources in your children. Teen sex is a desperate way that children seek out comfort, love, attention and belonging because their own family life is lacking it .

You might have been my mother some 35 years ago. My parents could have written this post (if there was an internet back then). I was raised in an Indian household. Excelled at school, went to an Ivy League college, married well, raising two children, part of a fairly healthy extended family dynamic. If you talked to my mother even today, she’d tell you I never even thought about sex in high school. Truth is I lost my virginity at age 15 and had two sex partners in high school. And some of it was because my mother just seemed so hard line and distant. I have bought condoms for my daughter. I have told her that sex can be wonderful. But also have told her that this is a time in her life when she should be opening her mind and developing broad friendships rather than focusing on (in her case) boys. She is doing really well at school, just started college, and is far more open with me than I ever was with my mother. She hasn’t had a serious boyfriend. She tells me she hasn’t yet had sex (but based on my own example - who knows). I think we have a better relationship than I had with my mother.

+1 Same. Except I'm from an East Asian household. I excelled at school, very busy with activities after school, worked over the summers. Boys were never a priority for me in school or in college, but I had sex starting in high school. My parents never knew and would have never suspected, even all through college. IF I would have told them (which I never would since they saw me as this asexual angel and I was keen to keep it that way) I think they'd believe I was lying or was forced before they believed the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to scare them. My parents were extremely conservative and told me if I had sex I would be robbing my future husband of my purity. I was absolutely terrified of the consequences and it worked!

This is so wrong. What about girls/women who were raped? Your culture views them as unpure? As stained? Ruined? How backward.

My DH and I strive to teach our kids, girls and boys, that a person's worth/value should be judged by their character, not sexual history. We also work to identify misogyny and tools of control, especially those which are disproportionately negative for women.

We deal in facts, not fear. Life outcomes are statistically better for kids who delay intercourse, delay partaking of substances and those who focus on education. We talk about healthy relationships, contraception, STDs and pregnancy. When they choose to have sex, it will be a more informed decision.

Sexual activity in such young age does not happen in isolation. Usually there is dysfunction in the family, poor boundaries, hyper sexualization of children, neglect and abuse from parents, poverty and poor literacy.

There's a huge difference between 13 and 17, but both qualify as "teens" It is perfectly normal for a 17 year old to be sexually active.

Sex in HS rarely goes well for girls. Adolescent depression after multiple sex partners in HS is tragic for many girls.

That makes no statistical sense.

Teen sex is plummeting while teen rates of suicide are skyrocketing, especially for girls. It is especially high for girls using Instagram or other social.

Girls, less Instagram and more sex.

lol

Girls can’t win no matter what.

America is a matriarchy. Girls have already won it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

+1
Most teens globally are not having sex, so it is actually not the norm to be sexually active. In fact, I wonder why any teen would have sex? It makes them vulnerable and messes them up in so many ways.

I think that how teens think about sex is a function of their family dynamics, socialization, attitude of the parents and culture. Also, teens who lack a sense of purpose and pride in their achievement, and who do not get time from the parents - quality and quantity - are more apt to have sex.

I have to wonder what your childhood was like or if you, perhaps, are not NT. People, not just teens, have sex for all kinds of reasons but one of the biggest is that it (and the lead up to it) feel really good. NOTHING feels like sexual attraction and the physicality of sex. Even when there are abhorrent, tragic consequences for having extra/pre-marital sex, people engage in it because of the feelings and pleasure it generates. How can you not know that or remember that from your youth? I was born in the 60s in the rural, conservative, bible thumping midwest. A girl/woman's value was definitely diminished having sex outside of marriage or, god forbid, being a 'slut'. Yet, teen pregnancy was prevalent.

Unless you're willing to lock down your teens and impose stiffling restrictions and conditions on them, you cannot completely control their bodily autonomy. You are better off having age appropriate conversations about sex, contraception, feelings, relationships and medical care starting at early ages so that when your kids are making decisions, they make better ones. Don't forget to include drugs/alcohol in those conversations.

Thank God, I was not raised in US and I am not White. I am Indian. Society, culture and family allowed me to develop as an individual first without being pressurized to have sex in India. There were no "sluts", premarital sex or teen pregnancy because these things just did not happen openly, so these things were not normalized (even if some happened, we were unaware of it).

Now. how do you teach your children growing in this country to abstain from teen sex? Stopping them, being too strict or being too "foreign" will make your children rebel. So, you do need to have conversations about sex pretty early and in an appropriate manner with them and keep that communications open. Furthermore, you need to expose the inherent dysfunction in family structures in this country early to your children. by letting them see for themselves and then analyzing it with the kids.

American kids have a very short childhood and they are very sexualized early on by a permissive family and society. Parents are always in a hurry to have "independent" children who can raise themselves, The truth is that in the guise of "delegation of responsibilities to the children", American parents often practice "dereliction of parental duties". They are raising their kids as how they were raised. On the other hand, if you are guiding your children in a way that they are being cared for and nurtured, being taught adulting by example and practice, being given tools to excel in life, having a thriving social life and a village, and knowing that you are going to be their support, they will turn towards you for guidance. Practically it also means that you are spending a lot of time with your children and making sure that they are very busy with EC activities where they can taste success and get their dopamine hits.

However, you cannot talk only about traditions and culture to your children because that will not win them over. You need to talk logically with them about the pros and cons of destructive behavior - teen sex, vaping, drugs, social media etc. My kids always needed facts and figures about the pros of one kind of behavior over another. Why should they be learning how to code vs having sex with someone. Teens who are indulging in sex have a lot of drama in their lives and it gets messy very soon and publicly when they are young. So when my kids watch others crash and burn, they also learn the lessons from that. Of course, in all of this - parents need to walk the walk, have a loving and strong family unit, give a lot of time to their kids, make sure that they have a large social network, have their own accomplishments to give them a sense of achievement, keep them busy etc.

Well raised children do not raise themselves. Great parents raise great kids. You have to make investment of your time, effort, emotions, love, money, resources in your children. Teen sex is a desperate way that children seek out comfort, love, attention and belonging because their own family life is lacking it .

You might have been my mother some 35 years ago. My parents could have written this post (if there was an internet back then). I was raised in an Indian household. Excelled at school, went to an Ivy League college, married well, raising two children, part of a fairly healthy extended family dynamic. If you talked to my mother even today, she’d tell you I never even thought about sex in high school. Truth is I lost my virginity at age 15 and had two sex partners in high school. And some of it was because my mother just seemed so hard line and distant. I have bought condoms for my daughter. I have told her that sex can be wonderful. But also have told her that this is a time in her life when she should be opening her mind and developing broad friendships rather than focusing on (in her case) boys. She is doing really well at school, just started college, and is far more open with me than I ever was with my mother. She hasn’t had a serious boyfriend. She tells me she hasn’t yet had sex (but based on my own example - who knows). I think we have a better relationship than I had with my mother.

Out of curiosity, did you marry an Indian guy? Indian guys then liked to fool around but when it came time to settle down would want someone who never had a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not up to you.

Best case scenario, your daughter has sex under her terms- when she wants to, with who she wants. Not pressured by a boyfriend or worse. I'd focus on empowering her to have agency over this decision rather than make sex this big bad wolf because that won't work and she's more likely to have sex under less pleasant circumstances.

This, and also will be more likely to end up in a committed relationship with someone she shouldn't because relationships are still pushed as the norm for girls to have overt or tacit permission to have sex.