"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"

[Anonymous]

I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

[Anonymous]

But you are talking about the mom, not the woman you dated.

[Anonymous]

It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s parents would never dream of divorcing. Especially now in their 70s when their only hobby is hating each other.

This made me laugh.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine if he can boast parents who have a good relationship with each other and their kids, and are “adequate” for their age.
Otherwise, I think a sane, loving single parent is better than a dysfunctional intact couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, dysfunction can be hidden in families that are not divorced too, but with divorced families you know that there was some dysfunction for sure. I don't think kids remain unscathed by divorce. It does do a number on them. My family member is marrying a guy who comes from a divorced family. He has had many years of therapy and is a nice person. I still give the advice to wait a few years before they have kids because it is quite possible that he will bail when he becomes a dad.

When you become a parent, you actually do everything to make your child be in a secure environment and intact homes. When people make the decision to divorce it is not done lightly. The dysfunction is usually extreme for people to break off. A child that has had seen parents who are addicts, abusive or adulterers - their brain chemistry becomes altered. It can be that they become like their dysfunctional parent or they become
opposite of their dysfunctional parent. But, why should my child deliberately take a risk with such a person when they can just avoid them? We don't have to make all the mistakes ourselves, sometimes we can learn from other people's mistakes too.

I see messed up children all the time in the school classroom. Find a problem child and they are from broken families, find a kid who is excelling and they usually have two involved and loving parents.

My kids are excelling and their dad is gay and we are divorcing. Honor society and varsity sports teams. Oh well.

Yikes. Your situation is even worse. Your whole relationship was a lie. As much as you don’t want to admit it, this is something that’s going to scar your kids down the road. I think it’s incredibly selfish for gay people to enter into heterosexual relationships. It’s so dishonest.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.

I don't see so many agreeing. It is a judgement based on statistics. It's not even a huge discrepancy in statistics. Clearly people need to see others as individuals and not percentage points of likelihood to do something or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

Your fiance' is a closed-minded a$$hole.

--woman with 1 husband and married parents and ILs.

I disagree.
I think we all sort of start with some kind of standard and value in our minds about our future relationships and mates. This guy wants to stay married so has determined that his starting point was to narrow down his selection pool to date only women whose “norm” or “lived experience” was as part of an intact two-parent family. One can reasonably assume that someone whose parents are married may be more likely to share the value he has for emulating that model in their own family. (Not saying Jesus can’t be wrong about this assumption for a variety of reasons, but certainly that doesn’t make him a narrow-minded asshole on its face. It would just make him maybe a bit naive.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.

I don't see so many agreeing. It is a judgement based on statistics. It's not even a huge discrepancy in statistics. Clearly people need to see others as individuals and not percentage points of likelihood to do something or not.

I think the thing here is that the PP (above this last one)who is feeling “judged” is taking it personally as though the guy is saying she isn’t “worthy” of dating bc of her parents’ divorce. And I get where anecdotally it feels icky and offensive if you fall into that group bc you totally could make a different choice than your parents and get married and stay married! But as this PP pointed out, statistically, if the goal is to make sure you stay married, it’s a better bet to date a girl whose parents are not divorced. That’s just a fact.
It’s like it you want your kids to grow up going to church just like your family did, then statistically you should aim to date and marry someone whose family also went to church every week. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who are converts after having kids OR who go to church even though their parents didn’t! It just means that if you want to better your odds at being a church-going family, you marry someone whose family of origin already shares that as a valued norm and practice.
No need to get offended. There are always exceptions. And maybe that fiancé missed out on dating some great girls...but he set the parameters based on statistics, not on you (or anyone else) personally so that he could heighten the odds of achieving his no-divorce goal.

[Anonymous]

A man turned my friend down because her parents are divorced. She married someone else they're going on 15 yrs he's on marriage #2 and it's rocky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man turned my friend down because her parents are divorced. She married someone else they're going on 15 yrs he's on marriage #2 and it's rocky.

And this is what we call anecdotal evidence presented to counter statistics.
It’s a deviation. An outlier.
These situations exist, of course. It’s just not the statistical norm.

Everyone knows there are poor kids with uneducated parents who score super high on the SAT. But this doesn’t change the fact that statistically, the higher the parents’ income and education level—the better a student will score on the SAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.

I don't see so many agreeing. It is a judgement based on statistics. It's not even a huge discrepancy in statistics. Clearly people need to see others as individuals and not percentage points of likelihood to do something or not.

I think the thing here is that the PP (above this last one)who is feeling “judged” is taking it personally as though the guy is saying she isn’t “worthy” of dating bc of her parents’ divorce. And I get where anecdotally it feels icky and offensive if you fall into that group bc you totally could make a different choice than your parents and get married and stay married! But as this PP pointed out, statistically, if the goal is to make sure you stay married at all costs, it’s a better bet to date a girl whose parents are not divorced. That’s just a fact.
It’s like it you want your kids to grow up going to church just like your family did, then statistically you should aim to date and marry someone whose family also went to church every week. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who are converts after having kids OR who go to church even though their parents didn’t! It just means that if you want to better your odds at being a church-going family, you marry someone whose family of origin already shares that as a valued norm and practice.
No need to get offended. There are always exceptions. And maybe that fiancé missed out on dating some great girls...but he set the parameters based on statistics, not on you (or anyone else) personally so that he could heighten the odds of achieving his no-divorce goal.

FTFY

For that matter, marry someone who is Amish or Hindu, if your top priority is to never divorce, even if you are miserable and can’t wait for the other person to die.

I’ve never known a man to have this attitude about not dating someone whose parents are divorced. It’s always been women or the man’s mother (misery loves company).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

I don't but the mother's behavior can definitely influence the child's. To ignore that possibility is just short-sighted. Mom normalized terminating marriages. It's not unfair to think that the apple may not fall far from the tree.