26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure why you all think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.

LOL. When. A. Homewrecking. Stranger. Tries. To. Scold. An. Adult.

L
O
L

Why is she a home wrecker? I guess I missed the part where she had a torrid affair with current DH and lured him from his then wife
Honestly, some of you are too much. There’s nothing to indicate this wasn’t a happy family unit before this outburst. Maybe the first wife left the father. You’re all projecting.

I agree. Lots of posters who seem to need therapy to deal with the step mommy issues they apparently never got over???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stop buying him gifts. Also being resentful that his gf, who is a guest, doesn't jump on kitchen duty. So so tired of any female in attendance at a holiday meal like be expected to also work the kitchen while the men, whether guest or family, relax and watch other men throw a ball up and down.

+1
Stop buying gifts. Let dad do that.
This same dynamic happened with my in-laws. Stepmom in law complained to me that one SS brought nothing but opened gifts with the other adult siblings whoDID bring gifts. He said he doesn’t know how topick out gifts Bring wine or candy. Not that hard.
I actually agreed with her but there’s no way his dad was going to say anything. He already had a damaged relationship with son due to divorce. Thankfully stepmom didn’t say anything either. Eventually SS got married and wife did the gift giving. Not that it should fall on the wife but that’s how it resolved in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess your DH didn't raise him right.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, most of you posting anti-step rants are going to be in the exact same position yourself someday. Paybacks are hell.

Lol not. Married 23 years.

Well, only if you and spouse plan to die at the same time. If your spouse goes first. Otherwise I guess you will be happy with being alone for the rest of your life - which could be 10, 20 or 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if it's any comfort to you, my step son is 27 and also never - NEVER - gives anyone any gifts. But he expects money as a gift every single year. And gift cards to Starbucks or some place like that. Notice the "and." And like your step son, my step son is here in person.

When he has a girlfriend, we get gifts - whoever the girlfriend is clearly picks these out, wraps them, everything. Heck, she probably buys them too.

It's tricky because he is my husband's only child, and of course my husband wants to give him something. I have four adult kids myself. They get CONSIDERABLY less from me than my stepson gets from his dad - and it's always been that way, so we make sure they are never given gifts at the same time. That part's easy, thank goodness, since they are all ADULTS and are all scattered across the globe.

I don't think you're being petty to be irritated. I mean, I have one adult son who never sends a card, never sends a gift, nothing - and I send him a little something or other every year - but in his defense he IS in Guam. If he's not overseas (has been most years), and he's here in person, he does give gifts but I never expect anything in the mail from him. And he does call - several times a week in fact. If I stop to think about it, it bugs me a bit that he doesn't even send a Christmas card, but he DOES call every Christmas - it's not like he forgets about it. And like I said, I send a smallish amount to him anyway. I don't feel used for money and I think that's the difference.

My step son tends to show up when he wants something from his dad. He is a TERRIBLE communicator and it always drives my husband crazy.

We actually discussed this after Christmas this year. I said, "Now you know I don't care anything about getting another candle or bath bombs or whatever - but did you notice that we have five adult kids and two of them didn't exchange gifts with us? I mean, they TOOK gifts but they didn't GIVE gifts." He said, "Yep, I sure did notice that."

See, to me, this is a matter of failure to accept adulthood. It's not a matter of GIFTS per se. It's a matter of being stuck in a self centered, childlike state and communication style. That becomes irritating after about age 25.

What my stepson doesn't realize is just how irritated his father is becoming. Without going into detail, I'll just say that the gifts he gives his son - on any occasion - are about TEN TIMES the amount I give any of my adult kids. I don't say anything about the difference, because I get that this is his only son and his "only shot at fatherhood." But what DOES bother me is that this adult kid is a taker, not a giver. He seems ungrateful to his father, and that is what really irritates me.

This year - as usual - I made him dressing like his grandmother used to make (which is a real chore), and Christmas cookies (I also gave those to an adult child of mine who we were seeing at Christmas). I didn't write the check or buy any gift cards - his dad did that. Next year - I just don't see myself going out of my way to do anything for him. I really, really don't appreciate the way he shows no regard for his dad and I'm getting pretty sick of the way he interacts with me for that matter. I mean, I'll be pleasant (he's never blatantly disrespectful - in fact, he's a bit of an Eddie Haskel) but I'm probably not going to cook anything for him and I AM going to question his father if he decides to give generously to him - again.

Meanwhile, this year I was honest with his father but not hostile about it. This is his son, his relationship, and really his problem moreso than mine. We're not going broke over this. He knows how I feel about enabling, and about this situation, and I do know he's miffed about it too. And he knows I've got his son's ticket, and his frankly. He knows how I feel about it. That's enough for me.

OP, I do not personally think you were out of line to ask him - PRIVATELY - "where are the presents?" but I do not think you should have said anything to his grandmother, or to anyone else other than your husband for that matter. And honestly, the question directed at your stepson about the presents would have been a lot better coming from your husband. I expect my husband to say something to his son before next year. I mean it. I believe he will.

Score keepers are the worst in my book -- worse than people who don't give gifts. Love how they always claim they don't really care when clearly they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure why you all think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.

But that's exactly what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure why you all think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.

But that's exactly what you did.

100% this.

He barely came in the door; your focus wasn't on "Great to see you," or "Welcome," or "Merry Christmas," it was "WHERE ARE THE GIFTS?!" Sheesh.

And you had the audacity to bring up a grown adult's choice not to gift-give to his actual, flesh-and-blood relatives? Like, the people who actually raised him and do have real influence on his life?

Buzz off.

[Anonymous]

Oap- You need help. I’d hate being apart of your family. He’s just staring out. He will decide when he can bring gifts not you.

[Anonymous]

We no longer open gifts together. We wait until we get home. We focus on being together and eating. OP it’s because of people like like you that make the holidays insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure why you all think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.

OP, this statement just proves how totally out of touch you are and validated all the stepmom stereotypes. It’s none of your business to say anything. If your husband cares...it’s his job. This is his adult child, not yours. By making this snide passive aggressive comment whether it was in front of people or not he is going to dislike you and you’re alienating him from his father. So, wow yourself lady.

[Anonymous]

Amusing that you called him out on HIS lack of manners.

[Anonymous]

No. Adult. Is. Obligated. To. Give. Gifts. At. Christmas.

STOP.

When someone gives you a gift, you absolutely should say thank you. If you are not with them at the time, a call or a written note is called for. But even if they give you a gift, you are certainly not obligated to give them a gift!

Ugh, people like OP are the absolute worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if it's any comfort to you, my step son is 27 and also never - NEVER - gives anyone any gifts. But he expects money as a gift every single year. And gift cards to Starbucks or some place like that. Notice the "and." And like your step son, my step son is here in person.

When he has a girlfriend, we get gifts - whoever the girlfriend is clearly picks these out, wraps them, everything. Heck, she probably buys them too.

It's tricky because he is my husband's only child, and of course my husband wants to give him something. I have four adult kids myself. They get CONSIDERABLY less from me than my stepson gets from his dad - and it's always been that way, so we make sure they are never given gifts at the same time. That part's easy, thank goodness, since they are all ADULTS and are all scattered across the globe.

I don't think you're being petty to be irritated. I mean, I have one adult son who never sends a card, never sends a gift, nothing - and I send him a little something or other every year - but in his defense he IS in Guam. If he's not overseas (has been most years), and he's here in person, he does give gifts but I never expect anything in the mail from him. And he does call - several times a week in fact. If I stop to think about it, it bugs me a bit that he doesn't even send a Christmas card, but he DOES call every Christmas - it's not like he forgets about it. And like I said, I send a smallish amount to him anyway. I don't feel used for money and I think that's the difference.

My step son tends to show up when he wants something from his dad. He is a TERRIBLE communicator and it always drives my husband crazy.

We actually discussed this after Christmas this year. I said, "Now you know I don't care anything about getting another candle or bath bombs or whatever - but did you notice that we have five adult kids and two of them didn't exchange gifts with us? I mean, they TOOK gifts but they didn't GIVE gifts." He said, "Yep, I sure did notice that."

See, to me, this is a matter of failure to accept adulthood. It's not a matter of GIFTS per se. It's a matter of being stuck in a self centered, childlike state and communication style. That becomes irritating after about age 25.

What my stepson doesn't realize is just how irritated his father is becoming. Without going into detail, I'll just say that the gifts he gives his son - on any occasion - are about TEN TIMES the amount I give any of my adult kids. I don't say anything about the difference, because I get that this is his only son and his "only shot at fatherhood." But what DOES bother me is that this adult kid is a taker, not a giver. He seems ungrateful to his father, and that is what really irritates me.

This year - as usual - I made him dressing like his grandmother used to make (which is a real chore), and Christmas cookies (I also gave those to an adult child of mine who we were seeing at Christmas). I didn't write the check or buy any gift cards - his dad did that. Next year - I just don't see myself going out of my way to do anything for him. I really, really don't appreciate the way he shows no regard for his dad and I'm getting pretty sick of the way he interacts with me for that matter. I mean, I'll be pleasant (he's never blatantly disrespectful - in fact, he's a bit of an Eddie Haskel) but I'm probably not going to cook anything for him and I AM going to question his father if he decides to give generously to him - again.

Meanwhile, this year I was honest with his father but not hostile about it. This is his son, his relationship, and really his problem moreso than mine. We're not going broke over this. He knows how I feel about enabling, and about this situation, and I do know he's miffed about it too. And he knows I've got his son's ticket, and his frankly. He knows how I feel about it. That's enough for me.

OP, I do not personally think you were out of line to ask him - PRIVATELY - "where are the presents?" but I do not think you should have said anything to his grandmother, or to anyone else other than your husband for that matter. And honestly, the question directed at your stepson about the presents would have been a lot better coming from your husband. I expect my husband to say something to his son before next year. I mean it. I believe he will.

So, to sum it all up...your new husband brought considerably more money into the marriage. You resent that he gives your kids less because you can’t provide more for them yourself. You’re bringing up the gift inequities to angle for your kids to get an equal share of the assets when he passes. Very clever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't get over that stepmom believes its in her right to dictate how stepson needs to behave in HIS OWN grandparents' house.

I am the type of person who always brings a hostess gift but if I'm going to my own parents or grandparents' homes, I don't worry about it. Those are the places anyone should feel the most comfortable regardless of if they're 5 or 55 and no one should have formalities or worries about breaking "rules" around things like gifts with their own family.

If the grandparents and father actually cared about the stepson's lack of gift-giving, they would have stopped giving him things long ago. But they don't OP, because they love their child/grandchild unconditionally and that means not requiring the condition of a reciprocal gift.

Right. But that still means adults need to take responsibility for their actions. We can only take responsibility for our own actions. These include how we interact with others.

So much human interaction is based on expectations, which may or may not be realistic. But miscommunications occur when someone doesn't meet our expectations. This is the crux of the matter - not gifts, or how someone acts when they receive a gift, or whatever. The stepson is not meeting the stepmother's expectations.

I think she definitely needs to have a sit down private talk with her husband about expectations regarding his son. She needs to find out WHY he thinks and acts the way he (the father) does and he needs to find out WHY she thinks and acts the way she does. Then I would go so far, since the stepson is an adult and has been one for quite a while now, to say that she probably needs to sit down with HIM and find out what each other's expectations are for adult to adult relationships.

Maybe the stepson won't do this, or maybe the father doesn't want her to do this. OK. Then she needs to figure out how SHE is going to assimilate their behaviors into her life (assuming she is, which it seems like she wants to do) and how SHE is going to act in the future, and why. And she needs to keep it classy no matter what.

I wouldn't personally start with the gifts. Well, I might say something like "You can pick something out and wrap it - whatever you want to do," to her husband, but I wouldn't make a scene with family. For instance, personally I think my husband goes overboard with his adult (26 year old) son. So when on Christmas Eve he came up to me and said "I got him some gift cards too - we need to put them in a card," meaning I needed to put them in a card, I said, "The cards are in such and such a place with a pen." And he knew this was on him. It's just a small thing but it's a thing.

But the bigger thing to me is overall adult behavior. This includes bringing a dish or a bottle of wine or ice or whatever if other adults are also bringing items. This also includes helping with clean up. This is on the dad. He needs to lead by example. And I don't think there's anything wrong with the wife saying "Here's the deal. At the very LEAST I expect him to help with the meal and one of us is going to tell him to do so. Hopefully that's you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't get over that stepmom believes its in her right to dictate how stepson needs to behave in HIS OWN grandparents' house.

I am the type of person who always brings a hostess gift but if I'm going to my own parents or grandparents' homes, I don't worry about it. Those are the places anyone should feel the most comfortable regardless of if they're 5 or 55 and no one should have formalities or worries about breaking "rules" around things like gifts with their own family.

If the grandparents and father actually cared about the stepson's lack of gift-giving, they would have stopped giving him things long ago. But they don't OP, because they love their child/grandchild unconditionally and that means not requiring the condition of a reciprocal gift.

Right. But that still means adults need to take responsibility for their actions. We can only take responsibility for our own actions. These include how we interact with others.

So much human interaction is based on expectations, which may or may not be realistic. But miscommunications occur when someone doesn't meet our expectations. This is the crux of the matter - not gifts, or how someone acts when they receive a gift, or whatever. The stepson is not meeting the stepmother's expectations.

I think she definitely needs to have a sit down private talk with her husband about expectations regarding his son. She needs to find out WHY he thinks and acts the way he (the father) does and he needs to find out WHY she thinks and acts the way she does. Then I would go so far, since the stepson is an adult and has been one for quite a while now, to say that she probably needs to sit down with HIM and find out what each other's expectations are for adult to adult relationships.

Maybe the stepson won't do this, or maybe the father doesn't want her to do this. OK. Then she needs to figure out how SHE is going to assimilate their behaviors into her life (assuming she is, which it seems like she wants to do) and how SHE is going to act in the future, and why. And she needs to keep it classy no matter what.

I wouldn't personally start with the gifts. Well, I might say something like "You can pick something out and wrap it - whatever you want to do," to her husband, but I wouldn't make a scene with family. For instance, personally I think my husband goes overboard with his adult (26 year old) son. So when on Christmas Eve he came up to me and said "I got him some gift cards too - we need to put them in a card," meaning I needed to put them in a card, I said, "The cards are in such and such a place with a pen." And he knew this was on him. It's just a small thing but it's a thing.

But the bigger thing to me is overall adult behavior. This includes bringing a dish or a bottle of wine or ice or whatever if other adults are also bringing items. This also includes helping with clean up. This is on the dad. He needs to lead by example. And I don't think there's anything wrong with the wife saying "Here's the deal. At the very LEAST I expect him to help with the meal and one of us is going to tell him to do so. Hopefully that's you."

But OP isn't even hosting. She is miffed and it has absolutely nothing to do with her at all.