26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
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Anonymous
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Honestly, no one wants to parent this guy, and you just want to take out your resentment on him. And look, you have plenty of good reason to resent the spoiled brat. But it’s his dad’s fault. When he was 16 or 17, his dad should have taken him aside and said, “Look, you’re not a little kid anymore. In our family, we give gifts to each other. I expect you to be budgeting for at least a small gift for every member of the family. That’s what we do.”
Sure, it should be obvious. But when a kid has been spoiled all his life, you can’t put 100% of the blame on him for being entitled and selfish. He’s lived with you for a full year in the past. If no one is willing g to have an adult conversation with him, you should. Call him up and say, “Look, Joey, I want to apologize for putting you on the spot at Grandma’s about presents. It has frustrated me for years that you take gifts but don’t give them to anyone in your family, and I know it’s not really my place to say something, and I kind of snapped in frustration . Thot wasn’t fair to you because there was nothing you could do on the spot to fix it. But look, someone really should have said this to you years ago, so I’m just going to say it now. You’re an adult. All of the adults I. Your family give each other gifts at Christmas. For next Christmas you should plan to give a gift to everyone on Christmas Eve. I am sorry not one has ever told you that before. It was wrong of me to say it the way I did the other night.” |
Anonymous
| I disagree. HE doesn’t have give gifts to anyone. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions. |
Anonymous
Very much this! I don’t find your stepson’s behavior unusual at all, based on the men in DHs family and mine. Most of them didn’t start taking on “adult family responsibilities” until marriage or their early 30s. Women seem to catch on earlier (which is why this isn’t an issue with his sister). I think they just don’t think about these things. My DH and I married when he was 29 and at that point he was just picking up a few bottles of wine or baked goods etc for everyone- not lovingly picking out a gift for grandma etc. He only stepped this up at my prompting, after we married! Same goes for the girlfriend (most women would bring something, but she sounds young as well). She may not feel comfortable inserting herself to help in the kitchen either. I do understand your frustration but I don’t think it would hurt to gently say something but you shouldn’t have done so in the way you did. Odds are it is cluelessness and is not reflective of how he feels about his family! It just seems to take awhile for young adults to become part of the “adult family” as the previous poster said. |
Anonymous
| So we just learned your love language is gift giving. Enjoy destroying your relationships over it. |
Anonymous
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You "greeted" someone on Christmas by asking where the gifts were?
Ew. Please refrain from saying you celebrate Christmas; you don't. You celebrate Winter Gifting Red-and-Green-Ween. You certainly don't celebrate Christmas. |
Anonymous
Honestly this. In fairness OP didn’t say how his behavior is otherwise, but in terms of respect for his family I’d be more concerned about other things from a 26yo young man: does he attend family events when he can? Treat family members with respect and good manners? Is he there to help family when asked? It sounds like he attended Christmas with his family and brought his girlfriend- that is wonderful and IMO speaks well of his feelings toward his family! |
Anonymous
This! Our parents and grandparents (all deceased now) don’t want or expect anything. We often bring consumable items, gift cards to a nice restaurant (and I am not even sure they use those!), framed photos of the kids, or go in with siblings on something. But they have everything they need and will say so themselves. It is more about spending time together and being thought of- that is all they really want. They would be thrilled to have their son/grandson at Christmas (only thing they want) and as a bonus to bring his girlfriend. My MIL mentioned once that half of FILs closet is full of never used gifts etc and he takes many others straight to the homeless shelter etc. He has everything he needs and is a simple, humble, religious man. He doesn’t want material things- he just wants to spend time with family. I don’t get you OP. |
Anonymous
| I would feel weird as an adult receiving gifts from everyone in the room and giving nothing in return. He's not 5 years old. The other sibling brings a small gift so clearly this isn't a family tradition to only gift down. His dad needs to say something to him. I'd be embarrassed if that was my child. |
Anonymous
| He should not be expected to buy parents or adults gifts. That is bizarre. |
Anonymous
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It’s weird for a 26 yo to buy a step mom a present.
What is your age difference? Do you work? You’re not even related to him. Grandparents don’t get gifts in our House either. |
Anonymous
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To me, it's a matter of character, thoughtfulness, and awareness.
When I was 12, with no prodding from anyone, I took my babysitting cache and took the bus 10 miles or so to a shopping center where there was a Woolworth's. Bought probably 12 gifts (for two grandmas, parents, sibling, cousins, etc.). I still remember what I got my grandmas - two really pretty music boxes. I was so THRILLED to be able to do this! Carried all of that stuff home on the bus, then walked a mile from the bus stop to my house. Not bragging, but am proud of my character, and really don't like it when people make excuses for people with weak character. There is NO REASON a young man with a job cannot go to CVS or Walgreen's and buy some cheap gift (at least) for people they are supposed to care about. |
Anonymous
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OP, I totally get where your coming from. I thinks it’s more of a generational thing, kids these days have little or no common sense for what’s right, wrong or expected. My son was brought up in a perfect family setting and was taught right from wrong. Although he does give gifts, he never appreciates when we go out to dinner and I buy him and his wife dinner, never a thank you from either.
When he got married we gave them thousands of dollars towards the wedding and we never got even a thank you, not even an email reply when I transferred the money into his account. I bite my tongue every time it happens just to keep peace in the family. Normally i’d offer to help them with a down payment towards buying their first house but at this point he doesn’t deserve it. I absolutely don’t blame us or his upbringing. Simply rudeness and lack of manners from this current generation of kids. No wonder our society is so screwed up. |
Anonymous
| Do a secret santa gift with a hard limit on what the gift should cost. |
Anonymous
That sounds straight up crazy. Why do grandparents not get gifts? Serious question. In our family, grandmas get the most gifts in quantity and quality. ALWAYS. |
Anonymous
NP. Is that really weird?? When I was 26, I always gave my stepfather a gift. It would have been odd if I excluded him! I get what OP is saying. However, she was rude to bring it up the way she did. Nonetheless, there is age where you cross over into “reciprocity.” And that definitely happens at 26! |