Reply to 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP if it's any comfort to you, my step son is 27 and also never - NEVER - gives anyone any gifts. But he expects money as a gift every single year. And gift cards to Starbucks or some place like that. Notice the "and." And like your step son, my step son is here in person.

When he has a girlfriend, we get gifts - whoever the girlfriend is clearly picks these out, wraps them, everything. Heck, she probably buys them too.

It's tricky because he is my husband's only child, and of course my husband wants to give him something. I have four adult kids myself. They get CONSIDERABLY less from me than my stepson gets from his dad - and it's always been that way, so we make sure they are never given gifts at the same time. That part's easy, thank goodness, since they are all ADULTS and are all scattered across the globe.

I don't think you're being petty to be irritated. I mean, I have one adult son who never sends a card, never sends a gift, nothing - and I send him a little something or other every year - but in his defense he IS in Guam. If he's not overseas (has been most years), and he's here in person, he does give gifts but I never expect anything in the mail from him. And he does call - several times a week in fact. If I stop to think about it, it bugs me a bit that he doesn't even send a Christmas card, but he DOES call every Christmas - it's not like he forgets about it. And like I said, I send a smallish amount to him anyway. I don't feel used for money and I think that's the difference.

My step son tends to show up when he wants something from his dad. He is a TERRIBLE communicator and it always drives my husband crazy.

We actually discussed this after Christmas this year. I said, "Now you know I don't care anything about getting another candle or bath bombs or whatever - but did you notice that we have five adult kids and two of them didn't exchange gifts with us? I mean, they TOOK gifts but they didn't GIVE gifts." He said, "Yep, I sure did notice that."

See, to me, this is a matter of failure to accept adulthood. It's not a matter of GIFTS per se. It's a matter of being stuck in a self centered, childlike state and communication style. That becomes irritating after about age 25.

What my stepson doesn't realize is just how irritated his father is becoming. Without going into detail, I'll just say that the gifts he gives his son - on any occasion - are about TEN TIMES the amount I give any of my adult kids. I don't say anything about the difference, because I get that this is his only son and his "only shot at fatherhood." But what DOES bother me is that this adult kid is a taker, not a giver. He seems ungrateful to his father, and that is what really irritates me.

This year - as usual - I made him dressing like his grandmother used to make (which is a real chore), and Christmas cookies (I also gave those to an adult child of mine who we were seeing at Christmas). I didn't write the check or buy any gift cards - his dad did that. Next year - I just don't see myself going out of my way to do anything for him. I really, really don't appreciate the way he shows no regard for his dad and I'm getting pretty sick of the way he interacts with me for that matter. I mean, I'll be pleasant (he's never blatantly disrespectful - in fact, he's a bit of an Eddie Haskel) but I'm probably not going to cook anything for him and I AM going to question his father if he decides to give generously to him - again.

Meanwhile, this year I was honest with his father but not hostile about it. This is his son, his relationship, and really his problem moreso than mine. We're not going broke over this. He knows how I feel about enabling, and about this situation, and I do know he's miffed about it too. And he knows I've got his son's ticket, and his frankly. He knows how I feel about it. That's enough for me.

OP, I do not personally think you were out of line to ask him - PRIVATELY - "where are the presents?" but I do not think you should have said anything to his grandmother, or to anyone else other than your husband for that matter. And honestly, the question directed at your stepson about the presents would have been a lot better coming from your husband. I expect my husband to say something to his son before next year. I mean it. I believe he will.[/quote]

Score keepers are the worst in my book -- worse than people who don't give gifts. Love how they always claim they don't really care when clearly they do.[/quote]

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