26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates

[Anonymous]

This has been an ongoing situation over the years, and I finally said something this year. When he came over to his grandparents (where we have dinner and open gifts) I said "Hi! Hey, where are the presents?" And he said "What presents?" and I said "Presents for your dad and grandparents." His response? He just kind of looked down, shook his head and gave me a pissed off look.

He has a job, and he is leasing a brand new car. He has a girlfriend, who he buys gifts for.
He'll sit there on the floor by the tree and happily rip through gifts from his dad and I, and from his sweet and very generous grandparents - but never EVER gives anything in return. Even if he brought a bottle of wine, asked to help clean up the kitchen, or help cook - anything. But he does nothing. not even a freaking CARD! I've never seen anything like it. His girlfriend also received gifts again from us this year, yet she brought nothing for anyone else. My gosh, at least bring flowers for the table. Wow. She also never asks to help with cooking or cleanup. His sister and her boyfriend arrived and brought little gifts for everyone. She is a sweet, appreciative young woman.

The grandparents have been so generous over the years, taking him on trips, giving nice gifts on his birthday and holidays, etc. His dad and I welcomed him into our home rent-free for about a year, when he didn't want to live at his mom's house. He has since moved back with his mom (yes, at 26, almost 27), but was selfish even when living with us.

I made that comment to him and am done with it, but am just still so angry and frustrated at his blatant selfishness. His grandmother and I had a conversation about it and she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders. His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either. Guess it's easier to just keep cranking out gifts to him than to have a real conversation. As the stepmom, it's not really my place to come right out and have that conversation, and ask him why he never gives gifts to his family. But no one else will say anything. That's why I just finally was like "Hey - where are the gifts?!"

I am at the point where I feel it's ridiculous to continue giving him gifts when he does nothing. Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I get your point, but you went about it the wrong way. Rather than saying something to him in advance of the get-together so he would have an opportunity to go buy something and try to do it right, you set him up by waiting until the event and then shaming him for it when he has no opportunity left to course-correct. You weren’t looking to get a different outcome this year, you just wanted to make him feel like shit. And now that’s what he thinks you are. Congrats.

[Anonymous]

Some young adults seem to take a while to move up into the "adult" side of the family when it comes to such things. Sometimes it helps to bring them up to speed, if they don't catch on. It should be up to his mom and dad to say " 'Joe', you're old enough now to give gifts as well as receive them" or something to that effect.

[Anonymous]

Everyone stops giving presents. He will get the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone stops giving presents. He will get the point.

That won’t happen, because no one but OP sees it as something worth getting worked up over. His father and grandparents will continue giving him gifts whether he reciprocates or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone stops giving presents. He will get the point.

Yeah.

It would happen like ONE TIME EVER for me and that sack of crap would never get a gift again.

[Anonymous]

Are grandma and dad upset? Or just you, the stepmom?

I ask because in my family the gifts flow down, not up. It would be weird if we brought gifts for grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I mean you are right but speaking as someone who is in a relationship with a divorced dad I don’t see why you would choose to make such a snide remark like that on Christmas. What good do you think will come of that? It’s passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

32 YO here.

We have a family Christmas with long time family friends. I don’t buy any of the adults presents, but they buy for me. I kind of wish they would stop because I usually end up throwing or donating many of the gifts. They have a ton and frankly don’t need anything material.

I do buy for the kiddos generously.

As my family and extended family - I only buy for my parents, niece, grandma and sister.

Everyone else - sorry, but not sorry. Feel free not to give me a gift.

[Anonymous]

I guess your DH didn't raise him right.

[Anonymous]

I’m kind of at that point with my adult grandchildren. I stopped sending money after their 18th birthdays, because it never got reciprocated or acknowledged. I still give them something at Christmas, so far. It’s hit or miss whether or not we get anything from the children. If we’re together, we’d probably get something.

I think we’ll just suggest to my son that we don’t exchange gifts, because if we get something, it seems to be an afterthought. Fine with me since we don’t need anything, and we’re on a budget anyway.

If I were OP, I’d get the selfish stepson either a very small, token gift, or I’d tell him that since he doesn’t seem to want to exchange gifts, we won’t be getting him anything next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been an ongoing situation over the years, and I finally said something this year. When he came over to his grandparents (where we have dinner and open gifts) I said "Hi! Hey, where are the presents?" And he said "What presents?" and I said "Presents for your dad and grandparents." His response? He just kind of looked down, shook his head and gave me a pissed off look.

He has a job, and he is leasing a brand new car. He has a girlfriend, who he buys gifts for.
He'll sit there on the floor by the tree and happily rip through gifts from his dad and I, and from his sweet and very generous grandparents - but never EVER gives anything in return. Even if he brought a bottle of wine, asked to help clean up the kitchen, or help cook - anything. But he does nothing. not even a freaking CARD! I've never seen anything like it. His girlfriend also received gifts again from us this year, yet she brought nothing for anyone else. My gosh, at least bring flowers for the table. Wow. She also never asks to help with cooking or cleanup. His sister and her boyfriend arrived and brought little gifts for everyone. She is a sweet, appreciative young woman.

The grandparents have been so generous over the years, taking him on trips, giving nice gifts on his birthday and holidays, etc. His dad and I welcomed him into our home rent-free for about a year, when he didn't want to live at his mom's house. He has since moved back with his mom (yes, at 26, almost 27), but was selfish even when living with us.

I made that comment to him and am done with it, but am just still so angry and frustrated at his blatant selfishness. His grandmother and I had a conversation about it and she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders. His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either. Guess it's easier to just keep cranking out gifts to him than to have a real conversation. As the stepmom, it's not really my place to come right out and have that conversation, and ask him why he never gives gifts to his family. But no one else will say anything. That's why I just finally was like "Hey - where are the gifts?!"

I am at the point where I feel it's ridiculous to continue giving him gifts when he does nothing. Am I overreacting?

Dad’s the one to say this not you. Maybe you could have dropped a hint to Dad? But I would have been pissed at my steoMom for saying this to me. Would have felt steppier than Step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your point, but you went about it the wrong way. Rather than saying something to him in advance of the get-together so he would have an opportunity to go buy something and try to do it right, you set him up by waiting until the event and then shaming him for it when he has no opportunity left to course-correct. You weren’t looking to get a different outcome this year, you just wanted to make him feel like shit. And now that’s what he thinks you are. Congrats.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

You are not overreacting but with family it gets tricky. You can stop but are the grandparents going to stop? Probably not.

My brother is exactly like this. I sent a present with my mom and texted him. No thank you or even a reply. He has a girlfriend and you would think she would try to get him to reach out? My brother had adhd growing up and I think this is part of his problem. He’s probably never going to change even if you say something. I wouldn’t buy him anything anymore or I would decrease the gift. $10 gift card.

[Anonymous]

Where is the chalk line that infers it's not the OP'S place??? Since this young adult is of age to lead his own life he can also be addressed about his poor manners. Yes , adults DO still openly correct social faux pas that deserve a reset. This young man needs to hear it from someone!

Op ...as an adult myself...please do society a favor and correct this young man on his thoughtlessness.