I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw my old thread revived a month ago and wanted to give an update to anyone who is interested.

I had some health problems and DH was there by my side at the hospital. My parents required assistance and DH stepped up. I have grown up and now realize that marriage is not all passion and excitement. It was childish of me to think that our love had faded. I can't remember all the details I shared on this thread but DH is physically attractive, smart and very successful. Best of all, DH is a fabulous hands on father. My kids adore him and I am glad that I stayed for the sake of our children.

Sleep deprivation made me into a total bitch. I essentially had not slept well for about 5 years. Now that I am getting a good night sleep most nights, I am a new person. The boys now play together and I no longer have to spend every waking minute catering to them. DH did acknowledge that he had no time to focus on me after working FT and being a dad. I have accepted this and am fine with it. We have much better communication.

As others have advised on this thread, the first years of parenthood are tough but I now feel closer to DH than ever. I'm still not that attracted to him but I at least like him as a friend. I used to be so irritated him by every move that he made. Our children mean everything to us and I would not trade our family for a potential spark that would eventually fade. I am assuming the way I felt for the past few years is why many people probably have affairs. I am glad I did not and kept our family in tact.

This thread should be required reading - start to finish - for all new parents. It proves what all of us old marrieds know: The early childhood years can be hell on a marriage. No one should divorce until the youngest is at least 5. Marriages are cyclical. Ups and downs are normal. And this talk of "children would rather you divorce and be happy" is such utter self-delusional b.s. Good thing OP ignored those telling her that her (transient) feelings of hating her husband were a valid reason for shattering the family home.

Good for you for making it work, OP.

[Anonymous]

It's also bs to think all marriages are the same. Each situation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Most of your discontent has to do with sex. It is mentioned over and over. How often are you getting it on now? Did you feel rejected when it was less and did that play into your feelings changing? His saying you have no problems or whatever sounds pretty dismissive. What IS working about your relationship? What are specific things you want from him and have you asked for them?

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

Yet another premature mid-life crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw my old thread revived a month ago and wanted to give an update to anyone who is interested.

I had some health problems and DH was there by my side at the hospital. My parents required assistance and DH stepped up. I have grown up and now realize that marriage is not all passion and excitement. It was childish of me to think that our love had faded. I can't remember all the details I shared on this thread but DH is physically attractive, smart and very successful. Best of all, DH is a fabulous hands on father. My kids adore him and I am glad that I stayed for the sake of our children.

Sleep deprivation made me into a total bitch. I essentially had not slept well for about 5 years. Now that I am getting a good night sleep most nights, I am a new person. The boys now play together and I no longer have to spend every waking minute catering to them. DH did acknowledge that he had no time to focus on me after working FT and being a dad. I have accepted this and am fine with it. We have much better communication.

As others have advised on this thread, the first years of parenthood are tough but I now feel closer to DH than ever. I'm still not that attracted to him but I at least like him as a friend. I used to be so irritated him by every move that he made. Our children mean everything to us and I would not trade our family for a potential spark that would eventually fade. I am assuming the way I felt for the past few years is why many people probably have affairs. I am glad I did not and kept our family in tact.

We all do stupid things that we regret. Count this thread as one of the stupid things you regret, OP.

[Anonymous]

Some of these chicks replying are complete ding bats! She came here to express her feelings. Why would it be immature to feel like you arent in love? Age has nothing to do with feeling like you may dislike or have fallen out of love with someone! Theres always at least one ass hole in every group of people. Smh. ANY WAY! I completely understand you feeling this way. Try counceling first. Then follow your heart!

[Anonymous]

Some of u are being outright rude to her so why don't u mind ur own damn business if u have nothing helpful or positive to say. Ur so depressed with ur own life that ur trying to bring down hers! I'm the same way with my fiance... After I had my son I get easily irritated at everything and I hate sex and my son is only one

[Anonymous]

I have felt the same way you do for some time. I've realized that I just really don't like my husband. He loves our children very much, but he doesn't really help at all with parenting. He's more of a playmate. His actions cause the kids to resent me. He doesn't do anything to help me make sure they end up as good, responsible members of society. He does nothing to show he cares for me or how I feel, and he doesn't support me at all. He works long hours and is rarely home to see any of us anyway. I married for the wrong reasons 11 years ago, and now I'm stuck. I make an effort not to disparage him in front of the kids, but I really just don't think he's a very nice person. My kids are 3 and 6 now. I don't want a soul mate, I just want to get through this until I can leave him without making things too hard on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this really nicely and with a lot of empathy: grow up. seriously.

You get to be mad, you get to feel disconnected and angry. But as an adult, with 2 kids who depend on you to Do The Right Thing By Them, who depend on you to work hard to make their lives stable, you have no right to wallow in anger, poisoning your marriage while completely blaming your husband for its demise.

You need to either (1) get to counseling/therapy with or without DH or (2) get over it.

Those are your only responsible choices.

The only grievance you have detailed is him not wanting to have sex with you. I've seen the sexless marriage threads here and I understand it can be hard but... are you freaking kidding me? The sex declined temporarily while you were pregnant and had two small kids? You keep saying it "seemed" and "supposed" so you never even talked about it to him and got his opinion? That's enough for you to check out of the marriage? Engage in tit for tat? Destroy your family home?

Are you 12?

I know you will get a lot of sympathetic posts so consider this an alternative strategy" a wake up call. You are heading towards a long painful and miserable breakdown of your marriage. You can either be part of the problem or the solution. Let me guess, you didn't really pay attention to your wedding vows because you were too busy planning what was important to you - The Big Day.

Wow!!! Seriously?? Are you 12? I'm in my forties, and I certainly understand the challenges of life and family. However, acting as though "getting over it" is someone's only choice is absurd. First, though this woman has children, guess what, she counts as a human being, too. If she's miserable, she only has one life, and she needs to do what it takes for her to be fulfilled and make the most of the gift. This martyrdom schtick I see tossed about by some women seems psychologically sick to me.

Second, even if you don't comprehend that a mother is still an individual, important human being after they have children (talk about devaluing women), guess what, it's not good or healthy for children, especially little girls, to grow up thinking women don't matter, and that stoically and miserably going through life is the only option. Children see everything that happens in their parents' lives. They copy their parents. Basically, you are saying "be miserable for your kids" and hey, they'll learn to be miserable, too.

I have friends who stayed in miserable marriages "for the kids," and guess what? It screwed the kids up. Kids are not idiots. They know when adults don't love and respect each other, and you can't force love and respect.

Second, you can't make a marriage work. It takes both parties. Sure, she can go to counseling by herself if her husband refuses to participate, but if he refuses to participate in that, it's likely he's as unwilling to do anything else in the marriage. That's not a marriage, that's being trapped in a bad social contract. And it's likely that at some point, any sane therapist would ask someone living a totally separate life from their partner, "why are you still with them?" One party can't do all the work.

I'm truly appalled by this comment. This attitude probably explains the obviously loveless marriages and dysfunctional families I see around me sometimes. I'm fortunately in a good one, with a partner who makes as much effort as I do, and I don't take it for granted. That said, if either of us were miserable, we wouldn't stay together. It's bad for everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This thread seems to pop up once a year. After about a year of being good, our marriage is again rocky. The kids are now 4 and 6. We are heavily involved in our children's lives. I am now almost 37 years old and do not daydream of finding my soul mate. I am just sad stuck in a loveless marriage. I seem to have many other friends in unhappy marriages. My one good friend is going through a divorce and can't afford to rent an apartment on her own. My other good friend hates her spouse and is no longer speaking to him. She wants to leave but can't because she can't afford to support herself and her child on her own. Another friend has a husband who hates her, hates their 3 kids, hates his job and life. I am beginning to think there is no happily ever after and all marriages kind of suck after a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread seems to pop up once a year. After about a year of being good, our marriage is again rocky. The kids are now 4 and 6. We are heavily involved in our children's lives. I am now almost 37 years old and do not daydream of finding my soul mate. I am just sad stuck in a loveless marriage. I seem to have many other friends in unhappy marriages. My one good friend is going through a divorce and can't afford to rent an apartment on her own. My other good friend hates her spouse and is no longer speaking to him. She wants to leave but can't because she can't afford to support herself and her child on her own. Another friend has a husband who hates her, hates their 3 kids, hates his job and life. I am beginning to think there is no happily ever after and all marriages kind of suck after a while.

Not all, but a lot of them do. Lots of people end up with a life that they don't envision because once you start adding people to it (spouses, kids) you lose control because you can't control the actions and thoughts if ither people.

OP, I sympathize with you. I am coming out of years if resenting and sometimes hating my DH. And he is like yours, attractive, successful, great with the kids. But he is emotionally distant, stopped showing affection and we had a technically sexless marriage for years. I finally said enough, we end therapy or I am out of here. We have been going to weekly couples therapy for months and I go to my own therapist as well. I never thought that things could turn around for me, I thought that I was done. But...six months of therapy later, DH is starting to really listen to what I need in the marriage and things are turning around. His big challenge is him telling me what he needs in a marriage...I don't want this to be all about me, and a fulfilling relationship is a two way street. He is emotionally cut off from himself so that is our next big challenge. But honestly, if our marriage survives (I am 89 percent sure it will and that is up from being 10 percent sure it will) it is 100 percent due to therapy.

OP you owe it to yourself and kids to do everything you can to save your marriage. If you ultimately decide that it can't be saved, you want to do so with no regrets about not doing everything possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're still in the rough part of marriage, where you need to start to recover from the wear and tear of the baby/little kid years. This can seem like a bleak time, because there's a combination of being tired from the previous years, and you still have a lot of focus on the kids, who are still quite young. This is when you have more work to do, to start to find time to focus on your partner again, to make time to cuddle up each day/evening at some point to chat and make physical contact and reconnect emotionally, to go somewhere together now and then and do something as a couple. But you're still busy, and the kids will still be interrupting, and you're still tired. So your marriage is like a very weedy, overgrown garden at this point.

[Anonymous]

I found this post while searching "I don't like my husband anymore" in Google, and I just read through all 11 pages, including all of the updates from the OP over several years. It was interesting to read, as I'm in about the same place chronologically as you are, OP (had kids around the same time as you did, and they are now close to the same ages as yours).

I don't have any answers or advice for you really, just wanted to chime in that you're not alone in disliking your husband and feeling dissatisfied with your marriage while you have young kids. My husband and I had a great relationship before we had kids - we liked each other a lot, we were extremely compatible, we wanted the same things, and we were the couple that all our friends wanted to be like. My husband absolutely adored me (and still does) and I felt (and still feel) very secure with him. Knowing that the would never betray me was and still is everything to me given a lot of things from my past, and is a primary reason I married him and stay married to him. But it doesn't make the marriage perfect.

With that said, kids have been hard on our marriage. We love them so much, we are both great and extremely loving and dedicated parents, and we have definitely shifted the focus in our lives almost entirely to them. They are wonderful, loving, happy children - it has just been hard on our marriage, and the kids leave us with virtually no time for each other or ourselves.

Like you, often every single thing my husband does annoys me. He's an only child, and I find him intolerable at times - narcissistic, immature, selfish, weak. He's a big complainer, he acts like he deserves a medal for pretty much everything he does (and he does do a lot - we share household and childcare duties quite evenly). However, I never complain, I am mature, I don't act like I deserve anything for all I do, and I often feel as though I deserve so much better than my husband. I daydream about being with someone who's more like I am - a strong, selfless, giving, mature, and capable person.

At the same time, I feel stuck. I guess I still love him, though I'm not sure, and I know I often don't *like* him. My mom was a single parent, and I know I could do it and do it well. However, I don't want to break up our family, my husband is a great dad, my kids adore him, he begs me to stay and he claims he is very in love with me (I've mentioned divorce many times over the years and he won't hear of it), and we have a very nice life together - beautiful home, good social life, nice vacations as a family, and pretty compatible philosophies when it comes to raising our children. I think that some of our friends actually believe we're the perfect couple, and I'd imagine that most people think we have a good marriage.

We still enjoy time together alone, when we can get it, and we still have a connection to each other. I enjoy getting away with just him and it helps me feel connected to him again and reminds me of why we're together.

But most of the time, on a day-to-day basis, I just don't like him. I am sick of everything being all about him, I'm tired of trying to help him work on himself and be less narcissistic. I'm tired of being with a spouse who has virtually no compassion, empathy, or concern for me or my feelings (this is typical of people with narcissism - they feel no empathy for others, and it SUCKS being married to someone like this, regardless of all their other wonderful traits, because you and your feelings basically don't even exist in their world). I don't really respect him and I don't think he's a particularly great person in general. He's objectively a good person, but he's not someone I really respect or admire. He's kind, and he's a great dad, he's a faithful husband, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and to keep us together...but that's kind of where it ends for me. I wish that were enough!

I have no idea what my point is. I guess it's that you aren't alone. I don't think I have any plans to leave my marriage. I don't really believe it would necessarily be better with someone else. When I try to take a step back and be objective, I can see a lot of reasons why I am with my husband and a lot of areas in which we are very compatible and in love. I just wish that I felt consistently happy and I wish it were smoother, easier and that I didn't constantly feel like I'm the responsible, mature parent and he's the third child in a lot of ways.

I did not grow up with married parents, so maybe I just had no idea what marriage would really be like because I didn't grow up observing one. Maybe I picked the wrong person. Maybe we are just in a difficult season in our marriage with very young kids (2 and 5).

Keep us posted on how you're doing. Reading the truth about someone else's marriage is remarkably therapeutic for me. I feel like we are all of us parents with young kids pretending our family lives and marriages are happy and perfect via Facebook and socializing when really, I'd bet the vast, vast majority of us are neutral at best, and unhappy or even miserable at worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this post while searching "I don't like my husband anymore" in Google, and I just read through all 11 pages, including all of the updates from the OP over several years. It was interesting to read, as I'm in about the same place chronologically as you are, OP (had kids around the same time as you did, and they are now close to the same ages as yours).

I don't have any answers or advice for you really, just wanted to chime in that you're not alone in disliking your husband and feeling dissatisfied with your marriage while you have young kids. My husband and I had a great relationship before we had kids - we liked each other a lot, we were extremely compatible, we wanted the same things, and we were the couple that all our friends wanted to be like. My husband absolutely adored me (and still does) and I felt (and still feel) very secure with him. Knowing that the would never betray me was and still is everything to me given a lot of things from my past, and is a primary reason I married him and stay married to him. But it doesn't make the marriage perfect.

With that said, kids have been hard on our marriage. We love them so much, we are both great and extremely loving and dedicated parents, and we have definitely shifted the focus in our lives almost entirely to them. They are wonderful, loving, happy children - it has just been hard on our marriage, and the kids leave us with virtually no time for each other or ourselves.

Like you, often every single thing my husband does annoys me. He's an only child, and I find him intolerable at times - narcissistic, immature, selfish, weak. He's a big complainer, he acts like he deserves a medal for pretty much everything he does (and he does do a lot - we share household and childcare duties quite evenly). However, I never complain, I am mature, I don't act like I deserve anything for all I do, and I often feel as though I deserve so much better than my husband. I daydream about being with someone who's more like I am - a strong, selfless, giving, mature, and capable person.

At the same time, I feel stuck. I guess I still love him, though I'm not sure, and I know I often don't *like* him. My mom was a single parent, and I know I could do it and do it well. However, I don't want to break up our family, my husband is a great dad, my kids adore him, he begs me to stay and he claims he is very in love with me (I've mentioned divorce many times over the years and he won't hear of it), and we have a very nice life together - beautiful home, good social life, nice vacations as a family, and pretty compatible philosophies when it comes to raising our children. I think that some of our friends actually believe we're the perfect couple, and I'd imagine that most people think we have a good marriage.

We still enjoy time together alone, when we can get it, and we still have a connection to each other. I enjoy getting away with just him and it helps me feel connected to him again and reminds me of why we're together.

But most of the time, on a day-to-day basis, I just don't like him. I am sick of everything being all about him, I'm tired of trying to help him work on himself and be less narcissistic. I'm tired of being with a spouse who has virtually no compassion, empathy, or concern for me or my feelings (this is typical of people with narcissism - they feel no empathy for others, and it SUCKS being married to someone like this, regardless of all their other wonderful traits, because you and your feelings basically don't even exist in their world). I don't really respect him and I don't think he's a particularly great person in general. He's objectively a good person, but he's not someone I really respect or admire. He's kind, and he's a great dad, he's a faithful husband, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and to keep us together...but that's kind of where it ends for me. I wish that were enough!

I have no idea what my point is. I guess it's that you aren't alone. I don't think I have any plans to leave my marriage. I don't really believe it would necessarily be better with someone else. When I try to take a step back and be objective, I can see a lot of reasons why I am with my husband and a lot of areas in which we are very compatible and in love. I just wish that I felt consistently happy and I wish it were smoother, easier and that I didn't constantly feel like I'm the responsible, mature parent and he's the third child in a lot of ways.

I did not grow up with married parents, so maybe I just had no idea what marriage would really be like because I didn't grow up observing one. Maybe I picked the wrong person. Maybe we are just in a difficult season in our marriage with very young kids (2 and 5).

Keep us posted on how you're doing. Reading the truth about someone else's marriage is remarkably therapeutic for me. I feel like we are all of us parents with young kids pretending our family lives and marriages are happy and perfect via Facebook and socializing when really, I'd bet the vast, vast majority of us are neutral at best, and unhappy or even miserable at worst.

You say this:

"He's kind, and he's a great dad, he's a faithful husband, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and to keep us together...but that's kind of where it ends for me. I wish that were enough! "

And you claim HE'S the narcissist? And your ego: strong capable etc. Do you have therapist, I recommend one quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread seems to pop up once a year. After about a year of being good, our marriage is again rocky. The kids are now 4 and 6. We are heavily involved in our children's lives. I am now almost 37 years old and do not daydream of finding my soul mate. I am just sad stuck in a loveless marriage. I seem to have many other friends in unhappy marriages. My one good friend is going through a divorce and can't afford to rent an apartment on her own. My other good friend hates her spouse and is no longer speaking to him. She wants to leave but can't because she can't afford to support herself and her child on her own. Another friend has a husband who hates her, hates their 3 kids, hates his job and life. I am beginning to think there is no happily ever after and all marriages kind of suck after a while.

I am starting to think OP is an elaborate troll to demonstrate why you shouldn't marry for money.

[Anonymous]

I don't like my husband either he gets on my damn nerves most of the time when I'm talking he tells me I'm being disrespectful today a guy outside the mcd sees him telling me I'm disrespectful for asking him where he going when where waiting for a cab the guy checked him on his bs but this is everyday he tells me he tired of me too then get mad when i tell him i don't like him either he thinks bc his 4 damn near 5 younger than me that ain't nobody gonna want me news flash I'm only 30