DS upset about loans
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Hi OP. Unlike some others, I’m not here to judge you or your son. We are all affected by the reports that certain schools can help set you up for life, due to reputation, connections, etc. I don’t fault anyone in your family for making the decision. I also am horrified at PPs who assume that you can, of course, be full pay if you want. I wouldn’t think it would need to be explained to people that it’s possible that every spare cent you have goes into the $72K you provide. Also, if your child had needed to borrow the same amount to attend any college at all because you couldn’t afford to contribute anything, I doubt people would be as judgmental.
I’m sorry he’s blaming you. As some have already pointed out, the social inequalities at some of these schools is pretty shocking. He may just need a little more time and perspective. You could calmly discuss the fact that your family, INCLUDING HIM, thought that having him at that school was worth the debt. When all is said and done he will graduate from that school, just as much wealthier and poorer students. How much is that worth to him? If he is changing his mind about that, that’s a discussion you can have as a family about the option to transfer. I wouldn’t say it as if it a punishment, or a command. Just a perfectly respectable and understandable option if he’s reconsidering the value. (You have nothing to apologize for in terms of the amount of money you are providing. It is exceedingly generous, even if people on this board have lost perspective.) We all live and learn. If it helps, I know of a kid whose parents are paying the full freight at a VERY expensive school across the country and the kid is also complaining that he can’t keep up socially with his super wealthy friends. It is the problem with comparing ourselves and being surrounded by wealthier people. One day, your son may look back and be horrified that he said that to you. FWIW, my kid goes to a state school and won’t have debt, so I’m not defensive about or defending OP’s situation based on my experience. But I can understand and I know it’s not always as simple as blaming ourselves, blaming our kids, or ordering them to transfer. |
Anonymous
Daily takeout and coffee is not a terribly good financial decision for an hourly employee but it certainly doesn't mean his lower-income parents can afford a 100k/year education. Nobody suggested Starbucks was a delicacy. I knew plenty of kids who racked up credit card debt in college drinking Milwaukee's Best and eating bad takeout at 2am - it didn't make their parents rich. |
Anonymous
And just because OP's whiny kid says that the low-income roommate gets takeout and starbucks daily, doesn't mean that OP's kid is a reliable narrator and that this is what the roommate is doing daily. I know kids who get a coffee as a replacement for a meal because it's cheaper. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
| I would not take a loan for college if I could afford a college that cost $72,000 per yr |
Anonymous
I was a first gen immigrant college student who worked my way through college. Even in HS, I didn't have the money that my friends did to do stuff. It was hard, which is why I made sure I majored in something more lucrative. Being poor sucks. I lived frugally most of my life, even when I was making six figures back in 2000. I just always had this fear of being poor again so I saved saved saved. It paid off. I am going to retire at 56 and travel when my youngest goes to college next year. |
Anonymous
100% My MIL did this with my husband only just tried to hand the loans over to him at graduation - surprise! It is still a sore subject. 18 yr old males dont know how to make sound financial decisions yet. It is up to the parents to be good guides. All of those loans for undergrad are a waste btw. |
Anonymous
We are. It is a rounding error on our finances. |
Anonymous
|
Honestly, I was a first generation college attendee on heavy financial aid at a need blind T5. My main source of discretionary funds was my dad's death benefit check from SSA. My aid package covered room and board. Used meal plan 2 years then cooked with dorm friends 2 years.
Sure there were rich kids. UMC kids from New York, an heiress from Hawaii, an heiress from Delaware. I learned some lasting social refinements from them that came in handy later (eg tasteful jewelry, wine by the case is a better value). I never felt less than. But they had manners! Maybe OP's kid was surrounded by a community of strivers, new rich, boasters, status conscious families. Maybe OP's kid felt he kept up at home. But college it was a whole new level. The wealthiest are probably not boastful but I bet the new money crowd is. And he feels poorer than full ride kids over Starbucks. (He disregards the expensive medical, dental care he has access to because Starbucks cups are in his face.) Kid has frog in big money pond angst. He either comes to terms with it or goes to a smaller pond. And he should write about his thinking and choices so he cal look at it in 4 years and talk to his kids about it in 20. |
Anonymous
There are at least 3 dozen colleges with TCOA of $92K or above. |
Anonymous
| Why don’t you say, gee, you still feel that way? Do you want to see about transferring to UMD (or whatever your state school is)? And then help him with the application! Honor his feelings but don’t accept any guilt trip. Like, honestly help him think through whether or not the loans for his current school are worth it. |
Anonymous
That's absurd. Not the OP and I've never flown business class. We've been frugal and saved a little over $200K in a 529 plan for our kid. So we could use $50k/yr from the 529 and cashflow $20k/yr but no way could cashflow $40k/yr. |