DS upset about loans

[Anonymous]

He can switch schools and go to a less expensive in-state school. He sounds spoiled. Why didn't you have working every summer? It teaches kids how hard it is to make and save money.

We told of each of our kids how much we had saved. They knew to only to apply to the schools we could afford.

[Anonymous]

Realistically he could transfer somewhere less expensive. He is young and discovering he did something he wished he hadn’t done. He at least should be reminded that he can consider changing paths at this point. Acknowledging that possibility is an important part of learning to make wise decisions.

[Anonymous]

Why are you lying?

Your child cannot sign more than ~5K loans in freshman year. It increases a bit for subsequent years.

YOU are signing the loans. Is the deal that you're making him work year-round to reimburse you? Did he understand what working full time or near full time meant when he agreed to this deal? Would he prefer to transfer to an in-state college so as not to have to work? Maybe you could have him sign a contract in which he reimburses you afterward, on his salary, to give him a bit of breathing room now?

I hope you're discussing all the alternatives with him, instead of making him feel trapped.
Because right now, he's resentful of you, whether it's deserved or not, and he might carry that resentment for a long time. Resentment of an adult child against their parents can have long term consequences. You need to be the mature adult by presenting other viable options and giving him a sense of agency, so that he can own his choices.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that not acting like a spoiled brat will pay dividends for his entire life. People who try to buy happiness are constantly miserable unless they have sugar daddies (sometimes mommies)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you lying?

Your child cannot sign more than ~5K loans in freshman year. It increases a bit for subsequent years.

YOU are signing the loans. Is the deal that you're making him work year-round to reimburse you? Did he understand what working full time or near full time meant when he agreed to this deal? Would he prefer to transfer to an in-state college so as not to have to work? Maybe you could have him sign a contract in which he reimburses you afterward, on his salary, to give him a bit of breathing room now?

I hope you're discussing all the alternatives with him, instead of making him feel trapped.
Because right now, he's resentful of you, whether it's deserved or not, and he might carry that resentment for a long time. Resentment of an adult child against their parents can have long term consequences. You need to be the mature adult by presenting other viable options and giving him a sense of agency, so that he can own his choices.

Then he needs to learn to be a man. Lord, it’s his personal choice to go to an expensive school. No one is constraining him to go to a college that costs 90k a year- hell, he could go to a school that costs 70k a year and all his problems would go away!

[Anonymous]

This really does come across as bratty. You’re paying $72K a year for him to attend this school, which is very generous. He needs a reality check about independence, gratitude, and basic perspective.

[Anonymous]

He could transfer to a lower cost school if he does not like the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he’s a brat - that’s an easy throwaway comment. Rather, he’s likely seeing a variety of economic situations for the first time and I’d focus on that. We’ve had to deal with this in a different situation and we empathized on the “others have more” by sharing that it’s the same with our own friends and co-workers - that we have people in our own circle who have much more money than we do and how it feels and how we deal with it (can’t join them for expensive outings, etc, still maintain friendships, how to act when you have more). It’s life

I approach the spendy full ride situation in the same way - talk about your own situation such as how taxes work, how much we pay, that some pay nothing but sometimes have nice things like even nicer cars sometimes (tho that’s maybe not the full picture obviously) - this is real life. Sometimes it seems very unfair and sometimes it really is unfair but that is life. I would focus on the realities of life by sharing what seems unfair in your own life and make it a teaching moment.

Disagree! This is a second grade convo not a freshman year of college convo. Also, it would be insane to focus on the “unfairness” of the kids situation w him as the poor deprived waif rather than the reality, which is that he’s the little lord Fauntleroy of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend your winter holiday wrapping gifts at Wider Circle together. Hopefully he will get over his bitterness if he spends some time wrapping gifts for families who can’t afford to buy gifts.

What does this have to do with anything. Op is pretending they are not wealthy and set this kid up.

[Anonymous]

My roommate was objectively poor. Had a Pell Grant. Unbeknownst to me, he also had student loans. Those loans were paid once per semester as a block. He had never had personal spending money. He was a spendthrift at the beginning, but after Thanksgiving was cash strapped.

My point is that DC does not know other students situations. They might be borrowing more - deeper in debt. Could be something else going on.

Spend rate is visible. Others’ debt is not visible to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend your winter holiday wrapping gifts at Wider Circle together. Hopefully he will get over his bitterness if he spends some time wrapping gifts for families who can’t afford to buy gifts.

What does this have to do with anything. Op is pretending they are not wealthy and set this kid up.

Set them up? They’re paying $70,000 for crying out loud! Kid could go to 99% of colleges, he chose the 1% that would put him in debt. Play stupid games and you know what kinda of prizes you’ll get!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you lying?

Your child cannot sign more than ~5K loans in freshman year. It increases a bit for subsequent years.

YOU are signing the loans. Is the deal that you're making him work year-round to reimburse you? Did he understand what working full time or near full time meant when he agreed to this deal? Would he prefer to transfer to an in-state college so as not to have to work? Maybe you could have him sign a contract in which he reimburses you afterward, on his salary, to give him a bit of breathing room now?

I hope you're discussing all the alternatives with him, instead of making him feel trapped.
Because right now, he's resentful of you, whether it's deserved or not, and he might carry that resentment for a long time. Resentment of an adult child against their parents can have long term consequences. You need to be the mature adult by presenting other viable options and giving him a sense of agency, so that he can own his choices.

Then he needs to learn to be a man. Lord, it’s his personal choice to go to an expensive school. No one is constraining him to go to a college that costs 90k a year- hell, he could go to a school that costs 70k a year and all his problems would go away!

Which is exactly what I suggested - one of the alternatives is transfer to a cheaper school.

And don't give me this "learn to be a man" nonsense. A college freshman is allowed to balk at working full time and trying to find a way out of that. It's human nature. It would be churlish of OP, who is putting this on him, because SHE SIGNED THE LOAN, to not help him to find other options.

I know plenty of families who pay the loans and never ask their kids for compensation. I think OP didn't think this through at all. In her shoes, I wouldn't have allowed a school that forced the family to take out any loans at all. It leads to scenarios such as this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend your winter holiday wrapping gifts at Wider Circle together. Hopefully he will get over his bitterness if he spends some time wrapping gifts for families who can’t afford to buy gifts.

What does this have to do with anything. Op is pretending they are not wealthy and set this kid up.

Set them up? They’re paying $70,000 for crying out loud! Kid could go to 99% of colleges, he chose the 1% that would put him in debt. Play stupid games and you know what kinda of prizes you’ll get!

No. OP agreed to it, and she's supposed to be the parent in this relationship. An 18 year old cannot be expected to realize how hard it is to work AND study at the same time.

I fault the parent more than the kid here, simply because the parent is supposed to have more life experience and wisdom to foresee all the issues that might arise, while the 18 year old brain cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman at his top choice, costing $92k/year. It’s a very good school and we’re happy he’s there. He knew from the start we could only contribute $72k each year and he’d have to work for the rest and take loans. He knew this and was nervous about it but went ahead. Now that he’s at school he seems to feel duped. He has only met full ride kids who don’t pay a dime, or wealthy kids who don’t have to work or borrow. All of those kids have more money and time than him to go out, get take out, shop. His low income fullride roommate gets Starbucks and takeout every day. He feels really upset that we as parents somehow failed him because we can “afford” to pay the whole bill but don’t. (Of course we can’t afford to pay the full bill without compromising our retirement or tightening our belts to the point of absurdity. We already live frugally). We are going to have a serious chat with him about this but has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

This is your fault.

1. MYOB about your kids roommate!
2. Who sends their kid to a $92,000 college that is insane.

He needs to transfer to a instate school and you need to pay him for your financial stupidity for getting him into this mess. What the hell is wrong with you?

Zero empathy for you zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend your winter holiday wrapping gifts at Wider Circle together. Hopefully he will get over his bitterness if he spends some time wrapping gifts for families who can’t afford to buy gifts.

What does this have to do with anything. Op is pretending they are not wealthy and set this kid up.

Set them up? They’re paying $70,000 for crying out loud! Kid could go to 99% of colleges, he chose the 1% that would put him in debt. Play stupid games and you know what kinda of prizes you’ll get!

No. OP agreed to it, and she's supposed to be the parent in this relationship. An 18 year old cannot be expected to realize how hard it is to work AND study at the same time.

I fault the parent more than the kid here, simply because the parent is supposed to have more life experience and wisdom to foresee all the issues that might arise, while the 18 year old brain cannot.

What a bunch of BS. The kid has taken algebra- he knows what happens. You’re defending an adult man who’s upset that he can’t go to Starbucks while he goes to a good college that feeds him, houses him, and gives him a strong network and education that he can use to make money. His being pissed is because he can’t get a cappuccino on a random Tuesday.