My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

If I felt that strongly about, I would just take the plate into the kitchen myself.

For better or for worse! And that is hardly "worse."

OP, why is an immaculate house so important to you? Expecting a Better Himes and Gardens photo shoot tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP, you didn't tee up this thread appropriately. It isn't about the little things. It's about this HUGE imbalance of workload in your marriage. That's not little at all.

Meh I don't think OP is credible after that first post. She probably includes a lot of uptight OCD minutiae among that "I do 90% of everything" whereas others are happy to split the load and just accept their spouse doing things their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's kids have the double whammy of genetic predisposition to anxiety and growing up in a tense and unhappy environment with this kind of modeling.

That you woke up angry is so telling. You were having a "rare" pizza/movie night (we do that weekly) and all you could think of was having a go at your husband, even 12 hours later. That is NOT normal behavior. Seek help.

So much this.

Waking up angry over this is crazy.

The very long explanation of why they were having a pizza movie night is also strange - this is a normal thing for a lot of people. Were you afraid someone would judge you for not having perfect family dinner convos over an organic home-cooked meal?

Your DH is probably just checked out at this point but this level of nitpicking will do a number on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's kids have the double whammy of genetic predisposition to anxiety and growing up in a tense and unhappy environment with this kind of modeling.

That you woke up angry is so telling. You were having a "rare" pizza/movie night (we do that weekly) and all you could think of was having a go at your husband, even 12 hours later. That is NOT normal behavior. Seek help.

So much this.

Waking up angry over this is crazy.

The very long explanation of why they were having a pizza movie night is also strange - this is a normal thing for a lot of people. Were you afraid someone would judge you for not having perfect family dinner convos over an organic home-cooked meal?

Your DH is probably just checked out at this point but this level of nitpicking will do a number on your kids.

+1. As always, people are importing their own experiences into the thread and losing sight of the actual details of the original post. You can’t give a serious reply to OP unless you understand that she woke up angry about the plate on the couch and confronted her DH about it. Fine if she’s only now realizing that she is upset about more fundamental problems in their relationship they should address, but as presented, team DH all the way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

And? It’s just a fricking couch.

OP’s husband is not the problem here.

Exactly.
Couch schmouch. Let the kids and hubbies eat on it, color it, dump beer and wine in it, and leave trash and dirty dishes out it. Who cares!
Just buy another one every few months if the stains and clumps bother you.

Ha ha ha ha! Though the haters on this thread probably think you're serious.

[Anonymous]

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are way too harsh to OP. I guess you all have perfect lives, marriages, and always act appropriately and with full consideration. Congratulations on your perfection because what OP has expressed is exceedingly normal and commonplace and understand so forgive me for not believing that you all are perfect.

Aw OP, did you not get the validation you were looking for? Maybe next time write a troll post where you don’t sound like a complete disaster and people will support you.

[Anonymous]

NP. I too was taken aback by your language - you were “shocked” that your DH left an empty plate on the couch, and reacted accordingly? That is outsized - like killing a tiny ant with a huge hammer (sorry for the terrible analogy). Of course your DH is going to push back. And his take was very reasonable, despite the larger context of your issues.

My DH and I are more like your husband - very laid back so maybe that’s why I’m bristling at the way you turned this into a gigantic event that absolutely tanked your evening and subsequent morning. In my mind it’s such small potatoes but that’s why communication is key - I would react much better to a playful hon, the plate - it’s killing me. Can you please put in the sink?” or even “can you please take that to the sink? Thanks!” rather than your shock and horror.

And PP astutely pointed out that your larger problem of an unequal distribution of Lenovo’s not small or petty, but these little arguments are. So couples therapy to improve communication around a very, very common dynamic would likely be beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Distribution of *labor ^

[Anonymous]

This phase of life, when your kids are young, is really challenging. But it’s just that - a portion of a long marriage. Hang in there. Give yourself grace to know that sometimes, a good person is going to completely grate on your nerves and make you feel like you want to strangle him - and it’s normal. It doesn’t mean your marriage is going to fall apart, it just means that little stressors in your day pile up and make you two bicker. Don’t miss the forest for the trees…you’ll get through this.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be open to. The fact that you are heavily contributing to this dynamic. Think how much better your evening would have gone if you picked up the plate and said “oh my goodness! You know things like this drive me crazy! Not a dirty plate on the couch!” in a mock horrified but friendly tone, gave him a kiss, and moved the dish to a more suitable-to-you location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This phase of life, when your kids are young, is really challenging. But it’s just that - a portion of a long marriage. Hang in there. Give yourself grace to know that sometimes, a good person is going to completely grate on your nerves and make you feel like you want to strangle him - and it’s normal. It doesn’t mean your marriage is going to fall apart, it just means that little stressors in your day pile up and make you two bicker. Don’t miss the forest for the trees…you’ll get through this.

I didn't read the original post as anything about kids or stressors. Absolutely the phase is hard. But the kids didn't have anything to do with flipping out over a plate on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

You need to go to couples counseling. We did, over similar issues (division of labor / resentment) and it was immensely helpful.
I can tell you what they told us about actually dividing the labor, but you should still go yourselves because having a third person referee is really helpful. DH felt more "heard," and he also took more seriously the feedback about his not being a partner, because there was a third person there. The counselor was quite blunt that he needed to step up and I needed to back off and treat him as a competent adult.

[Anonymous]

So OP said she did more of the housework. What would happen if she just didn’t do more than her share? Would DH pick up the slack? But just not in the way OP would want it done?

I have a feeling they fell into this pattern because OP is overly controlling about how she wants things done. Team DH over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: later

Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess

And? It’s just a fricking couch.

OP’s husband is not the problem here.

Exactly.
Couch schmouch. Let the kids and hubbies eat on it, color it, dump beer and wine in it, and leave trash and dirty dishes out it. Who cares!
Just buy another one every few months if the stains and clumps bother you.

Lazy and rich