Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lashing out against the AP does not erase what has already happened.

She’s not lashing out. She can send a simple succinct email. Done.

No drama is needed. I did and I was thanked by her spouse.

Similar. He didn’t have to pay alimony and he waited until last kid was 18 to file on her so no child support either. He can support them how he chooses abs she can’t use “their” $.

I don’t think you can use that retroactively. If you know about the affair but keep staying with your cheating spouse, that’s called condonation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just confirmed the affair 100%, sadly both EA and physical now.
Not sure what will happen with me and DH. He’s ending it, as he says he wants “us” over her. But we obv have a LOT to figure out.

But being in a world of anger and pain, I feel that AP should not get off scott free. I’m assuming she loves my DH, so his ending it will hurt. Any reason why I should not blow up her marriage as she/DH have done mine?

You should tell for a few reasons:

1. Taking back your power. Don’t play the passive victim helping your abusers keep their dirty secret. Take control of the situation by exposing them.

2. Compassion for the husband being cheated on. Don’t let him continue walking around being her fool.

3. Natural consequences. Getting outed as a cheater is a natural consequence of cheating.

4. Insurance. Your husband has shown himself to be a duplicitous liar. You cannot trust that he will really end things and keep them ended for good. Telling her husband increases the odds that the affair will really end for good.

5. Get things over with. The last thing you want is for her husband to find out later after you have started to heal, come seek out your husband, and then you have to deal with the fallout of his infidelity all over again. Disclose right now to everyone who needs to know (and the spouse is definitely one) so everything can happen and be done with in one fell swoop.

[Anonymous]

I am a wife that was cheated on . I contacted the AP’s husband and it went very badly . Like others have posted , he was VERY angry and owned a gun . He figured out our address and showed up at our house and threatened my husband when he was with the kids . The AP (his wife) showed up and it was so dramatic . All the neighbors came out and my kids were so scared and I had to call the cops . Luckily nothing violent happened but you just don’t know who is going to lose it over some information . We are divorced now , my kids are suffering and still ask me about this traumatic event that happened . I wish I never said anything and just divorced him and moved on .

[Anonymous]

I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lashing out against the AP does not erase what has already happened.

She’s not lashing out. She can send a simple succinct email. Done.

No drama is needed. I did and I was thanked by her spouse.

Similar. He didn’t have to pay alimony and he waited until last kid was 18 to file on her so no child support either. He can support them how he chooses abs she can’t use “their” $.

I don’t think you can use that retroactively. If you know about the affair but keep staying with your cheating spouse, that’s called condonation.

Separated- but waited to file

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife that was cheated on . I contacted the AP’s husband and it went very badly . Like others have posted , he was VERY angry and owned a gun . He figured out our address and showed up at our house and threatened my husband when he was with the kids . The AP (his wife) showed up and it was so dramatic . All the neighbors came out and my kids were so scared and I had to call the cops . Luckily nothing violent happened but you just don’t know who is going to lose it over some information . We are divorced now , my kids are suffering and still ask me about this traumatic event that happened . I wish I never said anything and just divorced him and moved on .

This story sounds fake.

Listen: it’s information. The information is okay to share in a dispassionate way. Id call him at work, personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

If you define a “normal childhood” as one in which a parent broke up another marriage and has affairs…..I’m glad I’m giving my kids an abnormal childhood - I’m divorced with primary custody of three kids and they get to see respect and honesty modeled.

[Anonymous]

How did you get primary custody ?
I know VA is 50 /50 even with affairs involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

YTA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife that was cheated on . I contacted the AP’s husband and it went very badly . Like others have posted , he was VERY angry and owned a gun . He figured out our address and showed up at our house and threatened my husband when he was with the kids . The AP (his wife) showed up and it was so dramatic . All the neighbors came out and my kids were so scared and I had to call the cops . Luckily nothing violent happened but you just don’t know who is going to lose it over some information . We are divorced now , my kids are suffering and still ask me about this traumatic event that happened . I wish I never said anything and just divorced him and moved on .

This is why you don’t cheat. The betrayed spouse discovered an affair and showed up at my friend’s house. My spouse did not know. The betrayed did not tell spouse- just showed up.

When cheat on your spouse and kids you are inviting danger and unrest into their lives. Sane, empathetic people do not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you get primary custody ?
I know VA is 50 /50 even with affairs involved

His work travel and my career sacrifice to SAH. Also: he’s a drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife that was cheated on . I contacted the AP’s husband and it went very badly . Like others have posted , he was VERY angry and owned a gun . He figured out our address and showed up at our house and threatened my husband when he was with the kids . The AP (his wife) showed up and it was so dramatic . All the neighbors came out and my kids were so scared and I had to call the cops . Luckily nothing violent happened but you just don’t know who is going to lose it over some information . We are divorced now , my kids are suffering and still ask me about this traumatic event that happened . I wish I never said anything and just divorced him and moved on .

This can happen even when someone is not told...the spouse just discovers it on their own. OR the OM/OW goes nutso when the cheater tries to end it.

It's every Dateline story.

You don't cheat. Period. If you don't want to endanger your family/spouse, you don't do things that have this type of risk potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. OP has nothing to gain. This is vengeful. Stay out of other’s marriages.

F you. The spouse stepped out of the marriage and I would want to know.

I would not. This is worse than the original offense.

You are such a delusional cheater, do you actually believe this? Telling someone what you did is not worse than DOING the actual cheating. GTFO here with this f-d up logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife that was cheated on . I contacted the AP’s husband and it went very badly . Like others have posted , he was VERY angry and owned a gun . He figured out our address and showed up at our house and threatened my husband when he was with the kids . The AP (his wife) showed up and it was so dramatic . All the neighbors came out and my kids were so scared and I had to call the cops . Luckily nothing violent happened but you just don’t know who is going to lose it over some information . We are divorced now , my kids are suffering and still ask me about this traumatic event that happened . I wish I never said anything and just divorced him and moved on .

This story sounds fake.

Listen: it’s information. The information is okay to share in a dispassionate way. Id call him at work, personally.

I'd email. And then I'd leave it there. If they wanted to contact, fine. If not, that's okay.