Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it never would have done any good, because I’m not a vengeful, Grudgy, or scorched earth kind of person. YMMV, on this, but for me, holding my head high and knowing what the truth was was what was most important to me. She owed me nothing, and who knows what lies he told?

It was over, so why look back? Why throw a grenade? You’re not going to prevent happiness where there is none already. And why burn the survivors, just because you’re hurting? The altruistic “the spouse needs to know” is just lashing out, and I think most people would know that in reflection.

You get to be hurt, you get to be mad.. but why do you need company for that? Live your story to its best. Ignore these secondary players.

My sister wanted to save her marriage. Her DH's AP said not to contact her husband, which made my sister laugh and say, "only when you promise not to contact my husband." But she didn't. I told her she should. That if she wanted her marriage to survive, she needed to expose the affair to the only other person in a position to monitor the affair couple. But she thought she would take the high road.

A few months later the AP's DH phoned my sister to let her know the affair was still going on. He had actually discovered photos and confronted his wife when the affair was brand new, and his wife had convinced him that it was a one time thing. So he didn't try to tell my sister. By the time the two betrayed spouses got in touch with each other, the affair had been going on for a year. Both couples are now divorced, and the cheaters are married to each other.

It's not about revenge. But cheaters will tell you that it is, because blaming others for their own bad actions is how they maintain their belief that they are good people.

[Anonymous]

If your spouse cheated on you, you should deal with him/her as appropos and reflect upon what led to the transgression.

Telling the AP's partner is a spiteful act and almost certainly motivated by malice and anger. That person's marriage is none of your business.

You clearly lack integrity and empathy -the right thing to do is tell the other spouse so that they can protect their own health and finances. Nothing to do with vengeance, just being a kind human. And the AP made that marriage the other betrayed partner's business - are you serious with that garbage?

[Anonymous]

Tell. I would want to know. But make it factual. Years ago before I was married but had a long term partner I found out my partner gave me a (curable) STD during my yearly screening. I figured out he had an AP, contacted her and let her know he gave me an STD. She allegedly had no idea he was in a LTR, but she had it to. I got an antibiotics, was fine, broke up with the loser and am now happily married 10+ years. I still get tested yearly as I am paranoid. I would want to know and I wish my ex's friends who knew about the cheating would have told me so I could have ended it a lot sooner.

Marriages are different, but still, if you try to make it as factual as possible, not trying to scorch earth, it will be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

It seems your definition of a “high quality person” is incredibly off target if you think that by definition, such a person is more likely to cheat. SMH.

Well, I know a prominent medical researcher who dumped his wife and hooked up with a stone cold hottie just out of college. He met this woman when she went to work in the lab and love blossomed. If his wife hadn’t been all emotional and hectoring him about the kids’ feelings and mental health and her grieving her parent’s passing, things would have been fine. If she had just been more FUN things would have been fine.

But no. She forgot that her market value dropped over the past twenty years as his grew by leaps and bounds. She forgot that her husband had earned the right to marry a trophy, and if she couldn’t be that status symbol she had to step aside and let him be with someone worthy of who he is NOW.

Why, hello there, Other Woman! Shouldn’t you be at the gym, maintaining your worthiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated on you, you should deal with him/her as appropos and reflect upon what led to the transgression.

Telling the AP's partner is a spiteful act and almost certainly motivated by malice and anger. That person's marriage is none of your business.

That part these people are lying to themselves if they think otherwise. It's not about protecting the other spouse it's about wanting thee AP to pay.

So what if it is? You f@@@@@k with people, especially in the area most dear to them—family and marriage—expect to receive their wrath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it never would have done any good, because I’m not a vengeful, Grudgy, or scorched earth kind of person. YMMV, on this, but for me, holding my head high and knowing what the truth was was what was most important to me. She owed me nothing, and who knows what lies he told?

It was over, so why look back? Why throw a grenade? You’re not going to prevent happiness where there is none already. And why burn the survivors, just because you’re hurting? The altruistic “the spouse needs to know” is just lashing out, and I think most people would know that in reflection.

You get to be hurt, you get to be mad.. but why do you need company for that? Live your story to its best. Ignore these secondary players.

My sister wanted to save her marriage. Her DH's AP said not to contact her husband, which made my sister laugh and say, "only when you promise not to contact my husband." But she didn't. I told her she should. That if she wanted her marriage to survive, she needed to expose the affair to the only other person in a position to monitor the affair couple. But she thought she would take the high road.

A few months later the AP's DH phoned my sister to let her know the affair was still going on. He had actually discovered photos and confronted his wife when the affair was brand new, and his wife had convinced him that it was a one time thing. So he didn't try to tell my sister. By the time the two betrayed spouses got in touch with each other, the affair had been going on for a year. Both couples are now divorced, and the cheaters are married to each other.

It's not about revenge. But cheaters will tell you that it is, because blaming others for their own bad actions is how they maintain their belief that they are good people.

Yep

[Anonymous]

My ex left me for another woman. My best revenge is that I still sleep with him

Neither of us will tell because we don’t have anything to gain from it. We were married once … so it feels right.

[Anonymous]

The audacity of APs complaining about people interfering with their marriage. Wtf? It’s so absurd. Do as I say, not as I do Bullsh@t.

Yeah- life doesn’t work that way. I wouldn’t count on people putting up with your BS and not confronting.

If you don’t want your spouse or kids to find out you are a cheating scumbag: don’t cheat. The betrayed spouse owe you no loyalty- lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he attractive? Perhaps you all could figure out a swap arrangement?

Shania Twain story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he attractive? Perhaps you all could figure out a swap arrangement?

Shania Twain story

Amy Robach and Andrew Shue. Andrew is so much better off. The other two are such whores with so much drama and drinking problems…and already trouble in paradise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The audacity of APs complaining about people interfering with their marriage. Wtf? It’s so absurd. Do as I say, not as I do Bullsh@t.

Yeah- life doesn’t work that way. I wouldn’t count on people putting up with your BS and not confronting.

If you don’t want your spouse or kids to find out you are a cheating scumbag: don’t cheat. The betrayed spouse owe you no loyalty- lol.

Stay out of my marriage !!! (While I fkkkk your husband).

[Anonymous]

Yes. Do it. It’s only fair. It’s the risk she took when she didn’t think of her kids or spouse. Spouse deserves his truth. She played the cards and got caught. She can go get a job and an apartment and 1/2 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

It seems your definition of a “high quality person” is incredibly off target if you think that by definition, such a person is more likely to cheat. SMH.

Well, I know a prominent medical researcher who dumped his wife and hooked up with a stone cold hottie just out of college. He met this woman when she went to work in the lab and love blossomed. If his wife hadn’t been all emotional and hectoring him about the kids’ feelings and mental health and her grieving her parent’s passing, things would have been fine. If she had just been more FUN things would have been fine.

But no. She forgot that her market value dropped over the past twenty years as his grew by leaps and bounds. She forgot that her husband had earned the right to marry a trophy, and if she couldn’t be that status symbol she had to step aside and let him be with someone worthy of who he is NOW.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Wow There are a couple crazies on here with the high value bs.

I would want to know if someone was screwing my wife