Housewife? What’s the best way to tell people what I “do for work”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to many different circumstances, most nobody’s business (for the sake of this post, I stopped working after experiencing severe postpartum depression, and since DH could and can fully support us comfortably, I haven’t gone back and don’t really want to right now) I am a housewife now that my children are in school full-time, and have been for a couple years.

*I am posting this with sincerity, so please be polite with me!

I never know what to say when new people ask what I do for a living. Or, I do, but it always seems to make things awkward or makes people (both men and women, though in different ways) very defensive (“I could never do that! What do you do all day? Aren’t you bored? I’d lose my mind and go insane.”) Part of me wants to tell these women I WAS sort of insane, certifiably, and that’s why stopped working, but why start a fight? I always just let them spew their thoughts in my direction because it’s easier, but I’m sort of sick of it.

I’m sick of explaining why I haven’t gone back to work now that my kids are in school. Sick of trying to sugar coat why I stopped working. Sick of explaining to people that I do find fulfillment in other ways. REALLY tired of the people who try and tell me how THEY would feel.

Does anyone have any advice? What would YOU want to hear from me?

You have my admiration because you are performing one of the most difficult jobs for absolutely no pay. There is no shame in putting your children before money. Altruism is not something that is understood, appreciated, or encouraged, in this country.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHP

Sometimes I say stay at home parent.

Sometimes I actually say I am a loser stay at home parent.

Sometimes I lie and say something completely made up.

My child has a medical condition that was quite challenging when they were young. The other parent travels a lot, has an all over the place schedule and makes multiple times what I can make. It makes sense for us.

Remember the only person you can control is yourself. You can’t control what other people think of you so just say what feels right. In the end nobody cares anyway.

[Anonymous]

SAHM mom for 20 years. I also ran a food pantry, was a pta board member and tried to be available to visit my local parent who lived in a nursing home.

If anyone dared asked me what I do with my time, I’d answer, “truly living my childhood dreams” while referencing one of my above-mentioned activities as deftly as I could.

Odd to note that when I went back to work about 10 years ago, no one asked me what I did for a living! No one!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a working mom who does all those SAHM things plus has hobbies, etc., what I want to hear from a SAHM is: "I am not working." Don't say any of that cutesy stuff or make it seem like more than it is. You are not working. You do have more free time once kids are in school FT than those of us who work. Just own it and deal with whatever judgment comes your way.

I'm sure you work hard, and have a fulfilling life, but you literally CAN't do everything that SAHMs do. It is physically impossible because we all have the same amount of time. You work, you outsource, etc. I have worked and I have worked and had kids and I have stayed at home with kids, and during all three periods, I was working.

Yup. I don’t understand all of the women who insist that they DO IT ALL!! No, you don’t, because you can’t. And that’s okay.

(I think the analogous cope to “I work outside the home 40 hours a week plus commute but I raise my kids JUST as much as a SAHM who is with her kids full time does!” would be the SAHMs who insist that their husband can ONLY earn a high salary BECAUSE of her. They come from a similar place of insecurity I guess.)

Who said anything about "doing it all". WTF does that even mean? NO ONE does it all. Not working moms, not SAHMs, not dads either. Honestly.

But I'll bet there are many SAHMs who do a whole hell of a lot less than I and other working moms do. Because some of us have high energy, are efficient, and are good planners. We clean the house, do the laundry, make all the appts, take the kids to the appts, shop, cook, volunteer, etc., etc. AND work. Just because you can't conceive it doesn't mean no one does it. We may not be Big Law partners but WGAF? Some of us have flexible jobs and are more clever than you. And you know what? Maybe there are some SAHMs out there who do more than all of us because they are super volunteers or whatever.

You don't know what all women are or are not doing. Speak for yourself.

This post is unhinged. Listen, if you’re at work while your kids are at daycare/aftercare/summer camp then you’re not doing as much childcare as the SAHM. Duh.

Just as if you’re at home watching your kids while your husband works, you’re not bringing in money. Also duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of the kids for now

Being a homemaker is a lot more than taking care of the kids. When you choose to be a SAHM you run the household, which means all the labor inside the house, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking the meals, etc. This is the actual definition.

I realize some women are anxious and into intensive mothers and think their only job is child care, but that's not true or a valid way to think.

[Anonymous]

Just say you are a SAHP, that's it. You don't owe it to others to explain or defend your life choices. Would it help them if you were depressed and overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

I know tons of SAHMs whose kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of the kids for now

Being a homemaker is a lot more than taking care of the kids. When you choose to be a SAHM you run the household, which means all the labor inside the house, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking the meals, etc. This is the actual definition.

I realize some women are anxious and into intensive mothers and think their only job is child care, but that's not true or a valid way to think.

What the hell are you talking about? Being a SAHM means whatever the SAHP means whatever the SAHP and their partner decide it means. You don't get to decide for every family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:“Oh, I’m not a worker.”

“I’m a moocher.”

And yet, no one judges SAHMs, right?

What? Of course they do. I certainly do.

I have mixed feelings about well-educated SAHMs who SAH after their all kids are in school full-time. I have several of them as friends, and I enjoy their company, but I believe they're wasting their educations. I know several of them suffer from anxiety and/or ADHD and can't seem to manage both a career and family. They have not thrown themselves into house and home either. They're relatively unproductive members of society, especially given the tremendous amount of privilege they have. The irony, of course, is that they are all politically liberal, but have no problems assuming a very traditional role at home, having a man as a plan, and encouraging their own daughters to attend college and graduate school presumably to pursue their own careers.
Most of the SAHMs I know are financially dependent on the husbands, which is a calculated financial risk they assume but are unwilling to mitigate.
The several financially independent SAHMs I know I think are still wasting their educations, but at least they have their own money and won't be SOL if they find themselves divorced or their husbands unable to work.

You think an education is wasted if it’s not used to earn a paycheck? Sounds like you could use a better education!

Come on, are you really going to argue this? These SAHMs moms are not doing high stakes volunteering like helping women extricate themselves from abusers, helping refugees get asylum, or petitioning for IEPS for underprivileged kids. These SAHMS are wasting their T20 college educations and law degrees by spending their days organizing class parties for overprivileged kids, shuttling kids to soccer games, and doing Costco runs to supply snacks for field trips. That law degree could have been used by someone who might be volunteering to serve at clinic for undocumented families or something.

How common is it really to hold these types of volunteer positions?

Most people are working for a paycheck. Most people are paper pushers. If you got lucky in life you’re a high earning paper pusher. Really don’t see how working for a corporation is any better or worse than driving kids to soccer practice. I feel like the posters who over emphasize careers and jobs are likely unintelligent. I work myself but would never return if they stopped paying for me.

Hello, do you live in the US? If you are a paper-pusher at a corporation, you're able to get health insurance, earn money to buy food and pay rent, and you can use that position as a stepping stone for a better job. In countries with socialized medicine and safety nets, you don't have to worry about being an unemployed SAHM because in the case of divorce or your husband dying, you'll still have access to healthcare, and you'll likely get a lot of support for housing and other necessities. In the US, if you end up a divorced or widowed mom with kids, you are SOL. You hopefully have family money or find a decent paying job despite being out of the workforce for many years.

Your response is interesting because my European friends all appear to need to work way more than their US counterparts. They have fewer legal protections from marriage or aren’t even married, their spouse/partner earns a much lower salary, and social welfare systems expect a woman to work her entire life. It’s why European governments have to provide lengthy maternity leaves. What many view as a family friendly policy is also kind of putting women on government welfare because they had an a baby. I’m not convinced either system is better, but I do know many moms who stay home and have only met one SAHM in Europe.

Also, housing markets are much more expensive in other countries and you can’t get a 30 year fixed mortgage.

Your entire post is BS though with the “access to healthcare.” You lose all credibility right there.

By any measure, European countries with socialized medicine do better than the US. Lifespan, maternal mortality rates, number of children who are living in poverty, number of children who lack access to regular food, etc., etc. Americans don't live as long, American mothers die at an alarming rate giving birth (especially Black mothers), and an embarrassing percentage of children are food insecure and homeless in this country. Where do you get the idea that quality of life is better in the US? It's better for the wealthy, but then again, it's better for the wealthy in Europe, too.
And as for the access to health care, tell me, how does an unemployed woman with young kids fare in the US healthcare system? How well do you think Medicaid works?

This only applies to countries that are 95% or more white

Canada and the UK both have sizeable non-white minorities and their stats are much better than the US, too. Basically, the US stinks for lifespan, maternal health, poverty, and child welfare compared to every other peer nation.

FYI Canada’s healthcare system is a disaster. People are on waiting lists sometimes for YEARS just to get a primary care doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know tons of SAHMs whose kids are in school.

Exactly. This whole thread is bizarre. Nobody cares about this either way.

[Anonymous]

Just because your kids are in school full-time doesn't make you a SAHM, at least I don't think so, and I work.

Also, I would come up with something that you like to say and that makes you feel comfortable. You're right that it's no one's business why you don't work outside of the house.

If it were me, I'd maybe say that I'm an investor or something, like you spend your time investing money and making it that way, hence you don't have to work a typical job. It's probably slightly true and might make people feel jealous enough to shut up.

I'm sorry people do this.

[Anonymous]

OP- there isn't a single post that addresses the most important point- DC is full of competitive men & women that are defined by their careers and titles. If you get the feeling they are being judgmental when you tell them you stay at home, then they are projecting their own insecurities on YOU and like many people, have likely battled whether they should stay at home or not themselves. They are also likely taking advantage of your hesitance and jump at the chance to feel superior.

OP are you unfulfilled professionally so this hits a nerve? If you are, that's something to contend with but if not, you are letting these insecure people get to you and in turn are insecure yourself.
I've been a proud SAHM for 5 years now (I worked 20 years in the corporate world and then owned a business). We have 1 child. I welcome any questions about my life and "what I do all day". Sometimes it's laundry, sometimes it's volunteer work and sometimes it's a tennis game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, I’m not a worker.”

“I’m a moocher.”

And yet, no one judges SAHMs, right?

What? Of course they do. I certainly do.

I have mixed feelings about well-educated SAHMs who SAH after their all kids are in school full-time. I have several of them as friends, and I enjoy their company, but I believe they're wasting their educations. I know several of them suffer from anxiety and/or ADHD and can't seem to manage both a career and family. They have not thrown themselves into house and home either. They're relatively unproductive members of society, especially given the tremendous amount of privilege they have. The irony, of course, is that they are all politically liberal, but have no problems assuming a very traditional role at home, having a man as a plan, and encouraging their own daughters to attend college and graduate school presumably to pursue their own careers.
Most of the SAHMs I know are financially dependent on the husbands, which is a calculated financial risk they assume but are unwilling to mitigate.
The several financially independent SAHMs I know I think are still wasting their educations, but at least they have their own money and won't be SOL if they find themselves divorced or their husbands unable to work.

You think an education is wasted if it’s not used to earn a paycheck? Sounds like you could use a better education!

Come on, are you really going to argue this? These SAHMs moms are not doing high stakes volunteering like helping women extricate themselves from abusers, helping refugees get asylum, or petitioning for IEPS for underprivileged kids. These SAHMS are wasting their T20 college educations and law degrees by spending their days organizing class parties for overprivileged kids, shuttling kids to soccer games, and doing Costco runs to supply snacks for field trips. That law degree could have been used by someone who might be volunteering to serve at clinic for undocumented families or something.

How common is it really to hold these types of volunteer positions?

Most people are working for a paycheck. Most people are paper pushers. If you got lucky in life you’re a high earning paper pusher. Really don’t see how working for a corporation is any better or worse than driving kids to soccer practice. I feel like the posters who over emphasize careers and jobs are likely unintelligent. I work myself but would never return if they stopped paying for me.

Hello, do you live in the US? If you are a paper-pusher at a corporation, you're able to get health insurance, earn money to buy food and pay rent, and you can use that position as a stepping stone for a better job. In countries with socialized medicine and safety nets, you don't have to worry about being an unemployed SAHM because in the case of divorce or your husband dying, you'll still have access to healthcare, and you'll likely get a lot of support for housing and other necessities. In the US, if you end up a divorced or widowed mom with kids, you are SOL. You hopefully have family money or find a decent paying job despite being out of the workforce for many years.

Your response is interesting because my European friends all appear to need to work way more than their US counterparts. They have fewer legal protections from marriage or aren’t even married, their spouse/partner earns a much lower salary, and social welfare systems expect a woman to work her entire life. It’s why European governments have to provide lengthy maternity leaves. What many view as a family friendly policy is also kind of putting women on government welfare because they had an a baby. I’m not convinced either system is better, but I do know many moms who stay home and have only met one SAHM in Europe.

Also, housing markets are much more expensive in other countries and you can’t get a 30 year fixed mortgage.

Your entire post is BS though with the “access to healthcare.” You lose all credibility right there.

By any measure, European countries with socialized medicine do better than the US. Lifespan, maternal mortality rates, number of children who are living in poverty, number of children who lack access to regular food, etc., etc. Americans don't live as long, American mothers die at an alarming rate giving birth (especially Black mothers), and an embarrassing percentage of children are food insecure and homeless in this country. Where do you get the idea that quality of life is better in the US? It's better for the wealthy, but then again, it's better for the wealthy in Europe, too.
And as for the access to health care, tell me, how does an unemployed woman with young kids fare in the US healthcare system? How well do you think Medicaid works?

This only applies to countries that are 95% or more white

Canada and the UK both have sizeable non-white minorities and their stats are much better than the US, too. Basically, the US stinks for lifespan, maternal health, poverty, and child welfare compared to every other peer nation.

FYI Canada’s healthcare system is a disaster. People are on waiting lists sometimes for YEARS just to get a primary care doctor.

Your anecdata is misleading. Health outcomes in Canada are superior to the US, despite the inconveniences of care in Canada. Even worse, the US spends far more money per capital on healthcare than Canada, but has worse outcomes. https://www.commonwealthfund.org/publications/issue-briefs/2023/jan/us-health-care-global-perspective-2022

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM for 20 years. My answer:
"I don't work." Period - no explanation. Don't care what anyone thinks. Most people just say "Oh, ok" or "that must be nice."

[Anonymous]

"Nothing more Gangsta, nothing smarter, nothing more Powerful than a Housewife. People think it's the working women. NOOO. Suckers work. Smart people find other people to work for them.

They got the housewives of Atlanta. They don't have the working b*ches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show!"

-Chris Rock