Housewife? What’s the best way to tell people what I “do for work”?

[Anonymous]

Op I say this only with the best of intentions. Get a job.

YOU are not happy with the situation. Don’t push this on others.

I am a total workaholic and love my job more than my kids many days. I how it is worth it, I may cure help provide new medical testaments that change lives.

But I have several friends who are SAHMs and I *love* their choices. I suck on the home front. I can cook but planning activities, empathy after school, house cleaning, lawn car, finances, I could go on, aren’t for me. But they are for many people and I am so grateful.

It takes a village OP and anyone so stuck in their limited perspective at this age is not worth caring about. Own your choices and if you can’t, make different ones.

I hope to see you at the block party where we try out the neighborhood baristas new brews. And benefit from SAHP planning. Hope I don’t come off as a frrlosder, myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meet lots of SAHM’s and don’t think twice about it. I do wonder what they do with seemingly much greater amounts of time available but don’t ask.

Some of us just aren’t as busy and don’t feel a burning need to “be productive” every minute of every day and/or complete every single task as quickly and efficiently as possible. Because there’s plenty of time to get stuff done, so there is no need to stress and hurry.

Yep. I read a lot and do a lot of yoga. I grocery shop/meal plan every couple of days because I like it that way. I walk my dog several times during the school day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom who does all those SAHM things plus has hobbies, etc., what I want to hear from a SAHM is: "I am not working." Don't say any of that cutesy stuff or make it seem like more than it is. You are not working. You do have more free time once kids are in school FT than those of us who work. Just own it and deal with whatever judgment comes your way.

I'm sure you work hard, and have a fulfilling life, but you literally CAN't do everything that SAHMs do. It is physically impossible because we all have the same amount of time. You work, you outsource, etc. I have worked and I have worked and had kids and I have stayed at home with kids, and during all three periods, I was working.

Yup. I don’t understand all of the women who insist that they DO IT ALL!! No, you don’t, because you can’t. And that’s okay.

(I think the analogous cope to “I work outside the home 40 hours a week plus commute but I raise my kids JUST as much as a SAHM who is with her kids full time does!” would be the SAHMs who insist that their husband can ONLY earn a high salary BECAUSE of her. They come from a similar place of insecurity I guess.)

Who said anything about "doing it all". WTF does that even mean? NO ONE does it all. Not working moms, not SAHMs, not dads either. Honestly.

But I'll bet there are many SAHMs who do a whole hell of a lot less than I and other working moms do. Because some of us have high energy, are efficient, and are good planners. We clean the house, do the laundry, make all the appts, take the kids to the appts, shop, cook, volunteer, etc., etc. AND work. Just because you can't conceive it doesn't mean no one does it. We may not be Big Law partners but WGAF? Some of us have flexible jobs and are more clever than you. And you know what? Maybe there are some SAHMs out there who do more than all of us because they are super volunteers or whatever.

You don't know what all women are or are not doing. Speak for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM of teens. While it is true that I was dependent on my husband when the kids were small, if he left me now, I’d get several million dollars in assets (my half of everyrhing). College funds for kids are already done. I’d reup my teaching license and be just fine. It’s not as dire as some posters would like to believe.

Why are you so completely unaware that this is not the situation for the majority of women out there? Good Lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meet lots of SAHM’s and don’t think twice about it. I do wonder what they do with seemingly much greater amounts of time available but don’t ask.

Some of us just aren’t as busy and don’t feel a burning need to “be productive” every minute of every day and/or complete every single task as quickly and efficiently as possible. Because there’s plenty of time to get stuff done, so there is no need to stress and hurry.

Yep. I read a lot and do a lot of yoga. I grocery shop/meal plan every couple of days because I like it that way. I walk my dog several times during the school day.

That sounds amazing. Genuinely.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:“Oh, I’m not a worker.”

“I’m a moocher.”

And yet, no one judges SAHMs, right?

What? Of course they do. I certainly do.

I have mixed feelings about well-educated SAHMs who SAH after their all kids are in school full-time. I have several of them as friends, and I enjoy their company, but I believe they're wasting their educations. I know several of them suffer from anxiety and/or ADHD and can't seem to manage both a career and family. They have not thrown themselves into house and home either. They're relatively unproductive members of society, especially given the tremendous amount of privilege they have. The irony, of course, is that they are all politically liberal, but have no problems assuming a very traditional role at home, having a man as a plan, and encouraging their own daughters to attend college and graduate school presumably to pursue their own careers.
Most of the SAHMs I know are financially dependent on the husbands, which is a calculated financial risk they assume but are unwilling to mitigate.
The several financially independent SAHMs I know I think are still wasting their educations, but at least they have their own money and won't be SOL if they find themselves divorced or their husbands unable to work.

You think an education is wasted if it’s not used to earn a paycheck? Sounds like you could use a better education!

Come on, are you really going to argue this? These SAHMs moms are not doing high stakes volunteering like helping women extricate themselves from abusers, helping refugees get asylum, or petitioning for IEPS for underprivileged kids. These SAHMS are wasting their T20 college educations and law degrees by spending their days organizing class parties for overprivileged kids, shuttling kids to soccer games, and doing Costco runs to supply snacks for field trips. That law degree could have been used by someone who might be volunteering to serve at clinic for undocumented families or something.

How common is it really to hold these types of volunteer positions?

Most people are working for a paycheck. Most people are paper pushers. If you got lucky in life you’re a high earning paper pusher. Really don’t see how working for a corporation is any better or worse than driving kids to soccer practice. I feel like the posters who over emphasize careers and jobs are likely unintelligent. I work myself but would never return if they stopped paying for me.

Hello, do you live in the US? If you are a paper-pusher at a corporation, you're able to get health insurance, earn money to buy food and pay rent, and you can use that position as a stepping stone for a better job. In countries with socialized medicine and safety nets, you don't have to worry about being an unemployed SAHM because in the case of divorce or your husband dying, you'll still have access to healthcare, and you'll likely get a lot of support for housing and other necessities. In the US, if you end up a divorced or widowed mom with kids, you are SOL. You hopefully have family money or find a decent paying job despite being out of the workforce for many years.

Your response is interesting because my European friends all appear to need to work way more than their US counterparts. They have fewer legal protections from marriage or aren’t even married, their spouse/partner earns a much lower salary, and social welfare systems expect a woman to work her entire life. It’s why European governments have to provide lengthy maternity leaves. What many view as a family friendly policy is also kind of putting women on government welfare because they had an a baby. I’m not convinced either system is better, but I do know many moms who stay home and have only met one SAHM in Europe.

Also, housing markets are much more expensive in other countries and you can’t get a 30 year fixed mortgage.

Your entire post is BS though with the “access to healthcare.” You lose all credibility right there.

By any measure, European countries with socialized medicine do better than the US. Lifespan, maternal mortality rates, number of children who are living in poverty, number of children who lack access to regular food, etc., etc. Americans don't live as long, American mothers die at an alarming rate giving birth (especially Black mothers), and an embarrassing percentage of children are food insecure and homeless in this country. Where do you get the idea that quality of life is better in the US? It's better for the wealthy, but then again, it's better for the wealthy in Europe, too.
And as for the access to health care, tell me, how does an unemployed woman with young kids fare in the US healthcare system? How well do you think Medicaid works?

This only applies to countries that are 95% or more white

Canada and the UK both have sizeable non-white minorities and their stats are much better than the US, too. Basically, the US stinks for lifespan, maternal health, poverty, and child welfare compared to every other peer nation.

82% UK is non-white
73% of Canadians

50% of USA is non- white.

The sub population stats are comparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM of teens. While it is true that I was dependent on my husband when the kids were small, if he left me now, I’d get several million dollars in assets (my half of everyrhing). College funds for kids are already done. I’d reup my teaching license and be just fine. It’s not as dire as some posters would like to believe.

Why are you so completely unaware that this is not the situation for the majority of women out there? Good Lord.

I’m not the PP, but I’m in the same situation. I would be financially OK if DH left or died. If I wanted, I could dust off my professional certifications (which I’ve maintained despite not working for a paycheck) and return to the office. Not all SAHMs are in dire risk of financial ruin as some people seem to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, I’m not a worker.”

“I’m a moocher.”

And yet, no one judges SAHMs, right?

What? Of course they do. I certainly do.

I have mixed feelings about well-educated SAHMs who SAH after their all kids are in school full-time. I have several of them as friends, and I enjoy their company, but I believe they're wasting their educations. I know several of them suffer from anxiety and/or ADHD and can't seem to manage both a career and family. They have not thrown themselves into house and home either. They're relatively unproductive members of society, especially given the tremendous amount of privilege they have. The irony, of course, is that they are all politically liberal, but have no problems assuming a very traditional role at home, having a man as a plan, and encouraging their own daughters to attend college and graduate school presumably to pursue their own careers.
Most of the SAHMs I know are financially dependent on the husbands, which is a calculated financial risk they assume but are unwilling to mitigate.
The several financially independent SAHMs I know I think are still wasting their educations, but at least they have their own money and won't be SOL if they find themselves divorced or their husbands unable to work.

You think an education is wasted if it’s not used to earn a paycheck? Sounds like you could use a better education!

Come on, are you really going to argue this? These SAHMs moms are not doing high stakes volunteering like helping women extricate themselves from abusers, helping refugees get asylum, or petitioning for IEPS for underprivileged kids. These SAHMS are wasting their T20 college educations and law degrees by spending their days organizing class parties for overprivileged kids, shuttling kids to soccer games, and doing Costco runs to supply snacks for field trips. That law degree could have been used by someone who might be volunteering to serve at clinic for undocumented families or something.

How common is it really to hold these types of volunteer positions?

Most people are working for a paycheck. Most people are paper pushers. If you got lucky in life you’re a high earning paper pusher. Really don’t see how working for a corporation is any better or worse than driving kids to soccer practice. I feel like the posters who over emphasize careers and jobs are likely unintelligent. I work myself but would never return if they stopped paying for me.

Hello, do you live in the US? If you are a paper-pusher at a corporation, you're able to get health insurance, earn money to buy food and pay rent, and you can use that position as a stepping stone for a better job. In countries with socialized medicine and safety nets, you don't have to worry about being an unemployed SAHM because in the case of divorce or your husband dying, you'll still have access to healthcare, and you'll likely get a lot of support for housing and other necessities. In the US, if you end up a divorced or widowed mom with kids, you are SOL. You hopefully have family money or find a decent paying job despite being out of the workforce for many years.

Your response is interesting because my European friends all appear to need to work way more than their US counterparts. They have fewer legal protections from marriage or aren’t even married, their spouse/partner earns a much lower salary, and social welfare systems expect a woman to work her entire life. It’s why European governments have to provide lengthy maternity leaves. What many view as a family friendly policy is also kind of putting women on government welfare because they had an a baby. I’m not convinced either system is better, but I do know many moms who stay home and have only met one SAHM in Europe.

Also, housing markets are much more expensive in other countries and you can’t get a 30 year fixed mortgage.

Your entire post is BS though with the “access to healthcare.” You lose all credibility right there.

By any measure, European countries with socialized medicine do better than the US. Lifespan, maternal mortality rates, number of children who are living in poverty, number of children who lack access to regular food, etc., etc. Americans don't live as long, American mothers die at an alarming rate giving birth (especially Black mothers), and an embarrassing percentage of children are food insecure and homeless in this country. Where do you get the idea that quality of life is better in the US? It's better for the wealthy, but then again, it's better for the wealthy in Europe, too.
And as for the access to health care, tell me, how does an unemployed woman with young kids fare in the US healthcare system? How well do you think Medicaid works?

This only applies to countries that are 95% or more white

Canada and the UK both have sizeable non-white minorities and their stats are much better than the US, too. Basically, the US stinks for lifespan, maternal health, poverty, and child welfare compared to every other peer nation.

82% UK is non-white
73% of Canadians

50% of USA is non- white.

The sub population stats are comparable.

Sorry. I meant 82 UK, 73 Canada, 50 USA IS white.

There are similar levels of racism in all three countries

[Anonymous]

Just say I am home with the kids.

Anybody who tries to make you (or any acquaintance) feel bad in conversation has poor manners and does not need to be associated with further.

Signed,
WOHM

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHW/M since I married. I love it. I meal plan healthy meals, have a small veg garden plot, go to pilates classes, enjoy going to our beach house whenever I want. I take care of our houses myself, and have a small business that works in 2 states and gives me a little extra frivolity money. Oldest son in college (paid for in cash) and other two teens have college cash at the ready. Looking at upgrading our second home this year or renting it out/buying another.

Other women DO get quite envious of me and I don't have a huge swath of friends like I see many working women do. I guess for some people it does take a village.

[Anonymous]

My reaction to your post is that you seem to not feel good about what you are doing, or maybe you feel insecure with what you are doing. It is a very normal question for you to be asked what you do. What’s the big deal? You are a stay at home mom. That is something to be proud of and thankful for. There’s lots to do at home and for your kids even when they are in school. They are only in school 6 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel you. When you meet someone new in DMV the first question is "what do you do (for a living)?

Maybe just talk about projects you have going on around house or something.

[Anonymous]

lol there’s no way I’m going to read through all of these pages of drivel but seeing this thread reminded me of a story.

Years ago the four of us (two best friend couples) were on a plane to Mexico for vacation and filling out the custom forms. We saw that my wife’s best friend wrote “housewife” as her occupation and we all had a good laugh about it. We might have been a little tipsy, but for whatever reason it cracked us all up.

My wife then put “mother” on hers, and she laughed too. But she also made clear that she means it. Being a mother and going all in about it was the decision she made, and she’s always owned it. It’s also the “occupation” she has always put down on her tax return.

Fast forward now, and she’s been each of our grandkids full time nanny while their parents all worked until the grandkids are old enough for preschool. In all of her years helping out like this (to more than one of our daughters) she has never lifted a finger to do any of the “house work.” She doesn’t cook (other than for the kids obviously), clean, do laundry, make the beds etc etc etc. Our kids laugh about this and also truly understand her reasoning.

Everyone should just own who they are and not give a rat’s ass what others think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol there’s no way I’m going to read through all of these pages of drivel but seeing this thread reminded me of a story.

Years ago the four of us (two best friend couples) were on a plane to Mexico for vacation and filling out the custom forms. We saw that my wife’s best friend wrote “housewife” as her occupation and we all had a good laugh about it. We might have been a little tipsy, but for whatever reason it cracked us all up.

My wife then put “mother” on hers, and she laughed too. But she also made clear that she means it. Being a mother and going all in about it was the decision she made, and she’s always owned it. It’s also the “occupation” she has always put down on her tax return.

Fast forward now, and she’s been each of our grandkids full time nanny while their parents all worked until the grandkids are old enough for preschool. In all of her years helping out like this (to more than one of our daughters) she has never lifted a finger to do any of the “house work.” She doesn’t cook (other than for the kids obviously), clean, do laundry, make the beds etc etc etc. Our kids laugh about this and also truly understand her reasoning.

Everyone should just own who they are and not give a rat’s ass what others think.

Ditto. I'm a WOHM and my DH stays home. We don't care what anyone thinks. It's the need on both sides -- WOHMs and SAHMs -- to feel the world's approval that creates the mommy wars. WOHMs need to believe they do so much more than SAHMs -- often true but who cares; SAHMs need to believe they love their kids more and work on more worthy pursuits -- often true but who cares. Asking what someone "does for work" is fundamentally an invasive question. I rarely get asked (because people assume it is my husband that works) but which I usually side-step even though I have a pretty good answer on a conventional scale. The only people who would actually find my job interesting are people in a similar line of work. If you find the question occupying inordinate space in your head, you have an insecurity you need to address either by changing your life or changing your mind.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is insecure.
I think it could be interesting to sjust say, "it was too much for me to do both, so I decided to focus on at home." or if you feel comfortable, "I wasn't doing well mental health wise so..."

I'd respect you for it. WHy not?